A-L

Literally just wrote this, its probably full of mistakes, but any critique would be great. Please tell me what you think!


Brian and Jonas sat across from each other, their laughter echoing off of the office walls.

“Boy, Jonas I have got to tell you, you are an amazing guy.” They both laughed at this, but Brian continued. “No, no, in all seriousness, Jonas you’ve really helped me out, man and I’m thankful for it.” Jonas continued to laugh, his shoulders rising and falling in sync with his breathing. Brian still semi-laughing asked. “Wh-what’s so funny?”

Jonas stopped laughing gradually and his face became serious, his features drew together to snare Brian with a cold gaze. “You’re not the first person to tell me that.”

Brian started laughing again, though this time a little nervously. “Well, I guess you are an all around good guy, huh?”

Jonas, his face still emotionless smiled. “No, no that’s not it, in fact it couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Brian was confused. “Huh?”

Jonas laughed again, though this time it was cool and humorless. “You see Brian, this is why I like you people so much, I mean you call me an ‘amazing guy’ but for the past few months, well actually since I’ve met you,” he paused. “I don’t know how to say this but, I’ve been fucking your wife.” Again that cold laughter rang out echoing off of the walls in its mocking cruelty.

Fury rose up within Brian, hot and anxious to be released. “Wait, what?”

Fixing Brian with a level gaze Jonas leaned forward a little bit, his words soft and sugary, almost an oxymoron when placed with their stunning vindictiveness. “Well Brian, as I said, since I’ve met you I have been fucking your wife. In your own bed no less, well in my bed too but…Oh and the car, and even your mother’s bathroom.” He smiled. “Oh, I forgot, in your daughters little bed, I hope she didn’t roll over onto the stains.” Jonas leaned back with a satisfied smile on his face.

Brian with a roar leaped over the desk and landed upon Jonas.

Vee

I don't know about advice but I loved it. The whole bit about the daughter's bed made it for me. Just the sheer vindictiveness of it.

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Wilem

Wow pretty good A-L, I liked Jonas maliciousness, felt sorry for Brian though . Are you taking it anywhere?

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A-L

I don't know where I'm going to go with this, I mean I was working on another story when all of a sudden this one just jumped in my head, so I wrote this first part and decided to post it immediately. Thanks for reading it!

Necromortis

Ok, I like the concept, but just...didn't really like it. A few red flags for me:

Why in all hell would you own up to an affair like that? It just doesn't make sense. As the reader, I actually paused and went, 'Wait, why?' You need to establish a motive for his actions - it's just not profitable for Jonas to admit to the affair - he loses a potential contact and an affair, as well as potentially provoking physical violence. It's just not in human nature to do that.

Also, your description of their smiles/laughter is...almost out of sync. And begins to get annoying. First you say Jonas's face draws together in seriousness (I liked that sentence a lot by the way), and then you say 'his face still emotionless smiled.' Aside from the horrible grammar in that sentence, it doesn't continue from a cold, hard gaze that you described earlier.

It's short, so here's the grammar/other errors I found:

Ok, there we go.

But I also liked the idea, especially how Jonas just told Brian he's screwing his wife - but I need a motive for that.

Basically, you tell too much, don't show enough.

~Christian

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Freedom Is Not Free

I agree with Necro on this one. The fact that Jonas just owns up to an affair for no reason just seems odd to me and completely outside of human character. I would say that this would only make sense if Jonas wanted something out of Brian, but even then, it doesn't really seem like it would be a fitting thing. The whole idea just confuses me and makes me take a step back and fall out of the story. People just don't own up to affairs like that. If Jonas has his reasons, then you might want to add that in here and give more of a reason.

Not to mention that I'm not sure it fits in where you put it anyway. One minute they're laughing and joking, and the next Jonas is springing this on him. This just doesn't fit for me. I was getting into the two being friends and such and it changes. It kind of threw me for a loop, and not in a good sense. It pulled me out of the story rather then drawing me in deeper, which is what a good twist is supposed to do.

I do like the idea of an affair, but I think that it needs to be approached in a way that more resembles real human nature. Maybe Brian finds out about Jonas and his wife, so Jonas just owns up to it. Or they get into a fight and Jonas owns up to in that manner.

Right now, I can't see this story going much farther then it already has. I mean, Jonas fessed up, and Brian has launched for an attack. After that, how much farther can it go? It would get kind of boring to go into divorce details and such and just drag on.

I do like the idea of the story, I just think it needs some tweaking. Right now I don't think its catching enough and it just looses me. But hey, maybe that's just me.

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A-L

There is really no metion of divorce within the story at all.(Freedom) Jonas's motives have yet to be revealed and that is why he told him about the affair. The reason Jonas sprung it on him was because it was the right moment to do so, because in truth Jonas benefits from this in the end and that is where the plot comes in. That is why he said, "you are not the first person to tell me that" about him being kind. Jonas may seem without motive insofar but that is because I have yet to finish the chapter.

Freedom Is Not Free

I understand that there is no mention of divorce. But this is the thing about only posting part of a chapter, you leave a lot unknown and unmentioned and people get confused. I'm not trying to be mean, so please don't think that.

I do think the story has potential, I'm just not sure what motives Jonas has or could have. I mean, wouldn't you think that admitting he had an affair would take the cards out of his hands? Do this or I don't stop sleeping with your wife? i'm just a little confused. But maybe it will clear up with another installment.

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Just Jim

As a sudden idea, you got it onto paper quite well.

Why not move it to a bar and have it follow a few drinks.

Then get that early dialog cleaned up. Make it clear that
is met with
without so much talk and laughter in between.

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A-L

Thanks for reading and commenting. Yeah, I'll try to sort out the errors and the dialogue in a bit. Sorry to anyone who thinks that it is unclear but I'm still working on the next bit.

Wilem

Hmm people keep saying that they don't see Jonas motives, not in human nature etc. Well there are some people in this world (believe it or not) who will do things just to spite. We don't know how long he's been sleeping with Brian's wife, maybe he's decided that he doesn't need her anymore and as a final insult breaks up the marriage. This is just a thought, but I don't think people should say the story doesn't have potential biased on a generalization, a gross one at that.

The fact he says "Your not the first person to tell me that." shows that he's clearly done it to more than one person so his motives probably aren't love. I would like to see more of this story A-L so keep at it.

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The cake, it is a lie!
Questioning everything but learning nothing since 1991.

Necromortis

^No where did I say it didn't have potential - I just said it was confusing and didn't seem like it was in human nature. If the action was out of spite, I'd like to see that more developed right there, rather than letting me read twenty more pages until I find out, 'oh okay, he does this because of x reason.' It doesn't even have to be intense - just a little bit of defining would be nice.

~Christian

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A-L

Uh, Jonas's motives will clear up a bit in the next installment, though I do intend to draw as much possible into the plot to make the reasons behind his actions all the more intense. This is probably not the typical story plot but it has been done before, I am not the first. Usually I find this type of development interesting and I sought to replicate it in my own fashion. So no, his motives, initially, will not suddenly jump out at you and reveal the entire story, that is why there is this thing called a climax. This type of story may require some patience, but while his motives remain unclear I will attempt to keep the reader interested.

cheezehog

This is brilliant! I disagree with some of the comments on here already, namely the ones about his Jonah's motives. I know Wilem has already said this, and that's what I get from it too - for me, Jonah is a sicko; a planning, deceitful, backstabber, with aspirations to cause pain. Brian is at first naive, and has been suckered to Jonah's (probably practiced) charms, and then becomes righteous and angry, much to Jonah's delight. In my opinion, this doesn't need immediate explaining, and the fact that I already have an idea about him means that if his actual motives differ, I will be drawn in even more.

I enjoyed this right from the start, it gets to the point very quickly, and I especially liked the 'laughing along with your victim' style that Jonah has. Brilliant.

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TevenB

Lol I would have to say I do like the story but along with most peoples opinions here, I was drawn out of the story and saying "WTF?" to myself. I do like it though, and he (Jonas) does seem like an evil bastard.