Roxane

I liked the idea about putting it into a bar, and agree that you could cut some of the laughing, because it changed the picture in my head too rapidly. Keep going with this piece though its an original idea and well written

A-L

Thanks!

KingOfHorror

Hmm... Interesting intro...

Im curious to see where this goes! there are a million ways you can carry this on. This can become a thriller, a romance, and even a horror! Keep going with it, this is generally intriguing me (which is quite difficult, trust me).

Be sure to post the rest.
There were a few pieces on the grammar and even the beginning storyline that needed some polishing, but maybe you can prevent that by writing it down in a word file next time before you post it?

Nick

Ungood

This good... it places you in the position to WANT to know WHY he is doing this... you will keep reading to discover WHY... if there is a motive...

Remember kids... sociopaths look just like everyone else... and for the most part are impossible to pick out unless you know what you are looking for.

Great bit... good strong opening that PULLS you in...

I'll leave grammar to the people that know it...

Ungood.

thales

I like the irony you introduced with this piece. It's made it one wholesome dramatic piece.

I felt like I wanted to know why Brian thought Jonas was "amazing".

I would sprinkle it with some words that bring out the emotions and intentions of the characters.

When Brian jumps over the desk, I want him to follow through with some attempt at why he is jumping over the desk. Even if it's something as simple as one sentence describing an act of violence. Somethings are best left to the imagination. Jealousy in action is something I'd really like spelled out.

A-L

Thanks you guys, I'm still working on the next part to this story and I am going to try and put it up as soon as possible. But only after I fix what you guys have suggested.