JasonX

Hi all, this is the first paragraph of my new novel I've been working on. It's the first part of the first chapter and thus is basically the first part of the book (except for an Intro and Prologue). I hope you enjoy reading it, I certainly enjoyed writing it

After five months at my new job I grew accustomed to calls early in the morning. For some reason monsters always seemed to do their dirty work in the early hours and I had to structure my job around that. I was lying in bed tossing ideas around in my mind when Riley rang. As the annoying ring tone pushed its way into my thoughts I reached for my archaic phone, sitting on top of the mahogany dresser next to my bed.
“Good morning, Detective Derek O’Shea speaking” I groggily said. There was a pause on the other end of the line before a scratchy voice answered.
“Uhhh, Mr O’Shea? This is Riley Davison here, I’m from the NYPD. There have been a few suspicious... Ummm... events around that old campsite. I was told by Mr March to call you. He said you were an expert on the matter.” By the time the young officer had finished speaking I was already half dressed. After all, it was never good news when I received a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Doesn’t Mr March know that I’ve already had a look a look at that last murder there? Nothing about it was suspicious.” Only a week ago a young girl had been murdered at the summer camp. She had been crucified on some tree branches suspended high in the air. Although it would’ve taken something special to get the girl up so high, it wasn’t strange enough to warrant a full scale investigation by my crew and me. If the girl had been turned inside out however, I probably would’ve put a couple more days into the case.
“Mr March just says that you should get down here as fast as possible,” Riley answered my question, “I’m sorry Mr O’Shea but I’ve got to go now.” On that note the phone line went dead. With a sigh I grabbed my jacket from its hanger and slowly plodded my way downstairs and into my small kitchen. I grabbed an old apple from the glass fruit bowl sitting on the bench and took a bite. With disgust I spat the apple piece back out, it was rotten through.
“I really should go grocery shopping some time soon” I muttered to no one in particular. With a bad taste in my mouth, I chucked the old apple into my makeshift bin and strode out the front door of my old cottage style house. It was still early, too early for the sun, and the lights of lampposts decorated the quiet cul-de-sac I had spent most of my life on. Most of the houses on the street were similar to mine; they all shared the same dark colored roofs and high up windows. I had inherited the house from my parents when they had passed away unexpectedly and for the last few years I had always been thinking about selling and moving away to somewhere in the countryside. Of course, my job prevented me from doing this so I was almost certain my dream would never come to happen. The street always seemed spooky at night, the large shrubs decorating house boundaries insured the fear of being watched was pushed into everyone’s minds. As I looked up into the sky the clouds suddenly blanketed the moon, eliminating all natural light from the area. I shuddered from both fear and the cold as I unlocked my old Mercedes and hauled myself into the driver’s seat. Gazing into the rear view mirror of the crusty old car I began to prepare myself for the horrors I would soon surely experience, my job always ensured that.
“It’s going to be a long day…” I mumbled before pulling away from the ragged street curb.

Thanks for reading! Any comments would be welcome, criticism too!

Zorell

It's very refreshing to read about a realistic character in a not so mainstream world. I don't want to be a gramer nazi, but you might want to take one more clerical look at your work, but the errors don't impede on your work.
Do you have anymore of this story posted on the site?

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Monkuta

I think it's a very good idea. If you develop it more, it could turn into something truly awesome. I agree with Zorell, there are a few grammar mistakes you could correct. However, they don't make the story any less interesting or, as Zorell said, impede it in any way. I also noticed some... "awkward" word choices in a few places. For example, when you wrote, "There was a pause on the other end of the line before a scratchy voice answered." I think you could help the reader visualize the voice a bit more. Scratchy can be a bit broad in voice-terms.

So, yeah, great idea, awesome job, just a few small things to mull over.

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JasonX

I get where you guys are coming from. I actually posted a bit earlier (called 'Crime Horror' or something) but I've changed it lots and probably will completely rewrite it. You can have a look at it if you search around a few pages. Thanks for the input, I'll have a look at the grammar

LeeKav

I liked it. I think it's a really cool idea and I'd love to read more if you've written any more.

What I especially liked was that you were not talking up the bizarre nature of your main characters work, but rather had him talking about it as though it were just another day at work, which I guess it would be.

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Just Jim

Very good start. Little things, like him biting into a rotten apple, give us a good picture of how he lives.

One ting seems wrong to me.


This sounds like he knows Riley.
But then

sounds like he never heard of him.. He's calling O'Shea to tell him Marsh wants him on the scene, so they should know each other.

One more nit:
It's his home phone. Why not "Hello, O'Shea here."

Let's see some more of this.

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doremusjessup

Good piece here. I'm certainly curious what happens. One thing to be careful of: Since you've chosen to tell the story first person, your MC is both character and narrator. Two different roles, but they should both have the same sort of personality. (The "narrator" shouldn't write in ways that don't jive with his overall personality within the story... unless there's a good explanation for it.) There isn't enough here to make a good judgment on this issue, but it's something to think about.

Wilem

I liked it a lot, would like to read some more very soon.

Should be My Crew and I. That ones quite hard to remember so I thought I'd just throw it in. You've got other errors but like people have said before me they didn't make the story unreadable. I did like the concept and I don't think we see enough of these types of story on this forum. Lets see some more soon please.

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Remedy

As others have mentioned, you'll want to give the grammar a run through. Also, you might want to change up your last paragraph a bit; almost all of the sentences are long. It'd be nice to have a few short ones in there to break it up; it sounds almost as if you're rambling through there.

On a positive note, I love the idea of this story. I'm extremely interested to read more of it, and that doesn't happen too often. I was particularly fond of this part:



The thrown in visual keeps my attention. Without it, I wouldn't really be too interested, I think; it's the idea of what's capable of doing such a thing along with the crime itself.
The line about working a couple more days was a nice touch too. It made it sound more realistic; the investigator isn't bemoaning the crimes he works, which I like.

It's a good idea. With a bit of touch up, I think you've got a great story.


By the by, "my crew and me" is correct. The test is to drop the part before "me"; your line then reads, "Although it would’ve taken something special to get the girl up so high, it wasn’t strange enough to warrant a full scale investigation by [] me." If you changed it to 'my crew and I', it would be, "Although it would’ve taken something special to get the girl up so high, it wasn’t strange enough to warrant a full scale investigation by [i]."

TevenB

I think this story is really good and well written. It gives me ideas for my next story, thanks for that. I love your name by the way

I love Jason Voorhees, my favorite horror villian of all time. It seems you borrowed some ideas from Friday the 13th for the story (Like the use of a camp, and implying that no normal person could get that girl up on the tree.), Very vaguely though.

By the way, did you get the name "O'Shea" from Robert Shaye who helped produce Freddy Vs Jason and various Nightmare films? I doubt it, but I thought it was worth asking.

JasonX

Thanks for all the comments guys, I'll ahve a run through and edit some of it!

@ TevenB
Great spotting. Most of the names in my story will be from other movies such as the mentioned Rob Shayne. The female character at the start is named after Jill from 'When a Stranger Calls' and you'll find lots of other allusions in here as well. The hockey masked bandit is Jason, as some of you have noticed. Although what I write is obviously not canon, it takes part about two years after FvsJ.