CyberNeverland (cyberpunk, adventure) - Writers Forum

Sparx · 03-28-2008, 03:07 AM

Finally, after a 4 month hibernation from writing i finally decide to write my third novel called CyberNeverland. Right now i've simply written the prologue and i would like to know if the story captures your interest and would make you read on. Also, any opinion on the written style and how it could improve. Thanks and hope you enjoy this small snippet of this epic, sci-fi story.

CyberNeverland

We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

PROLOGUE

At first there was only the usual sound of the forest. Faint, clicking noises of the grasshoppers snapping their wings combined with the trees’ rustling leaves to create the familiar, faint song of nature at night. Only this quiet melody was broken by the snap of a branch followed by the sound of metal bashing against wood. High above in the canopy of the forest, three Shadow Corpi sprang from branch to branch, their metal plated, hardwired legs allowing them to land on the thick branches of the tress with precision. With powerful force, they leapt through the air. Once they landed on the branches of the trees, they crouched and their skinny, cold metallic arms fell to their sides. The glow of their red, electronic eyes pierced the darkness as they scanned the surrounding forest carefully; searching for Wendy Hope-the person they needed to capture and kill.

It had been a long time since Wendy had feared for her life. As she sprinted through the nocturnal maze of the forest, feeling her legs ache from all the running, she remembered her teen years. How, before the world was ravished by the Nuke war, she used to play in the forests back in England. One time she came face to face with a wild Pit-bull Terrier that had chased her and if not for her father, would have probably torn her into unrecognizable pieces. Only now, in this forest, she was not being chased by an untamed dog but by ruthless cyborgs that she had helped create.

She shook her head and wiped the memory from her mind. Maybe when people know they were going to die their past returns to them but Wendy had no time to dwell on such thoughts. As her father had always told her during the war, she needed to run and always run till it was safe. Yet the deeper Wendy sprinted into the forest, ignoring her aching lungs and the cuts and bruises on her arms, the more running seemed futile. The forest was too huge and it was too dark to effectively navigate. Where could she possibly run to? Hiding was also useless because the Shadow Corpus would eventually find her. At least running gave her more chance of staying alive longer.

Her disturbing thoughts of death were pushed aside by the crashing noise of what sounded like waves. Feeling the branches and the trees, Wendy guided herself through the dark undergrowth of the forest, Wendy ventured towards where the sound was coming from. Once she managed to get out of forest she found herself standing at the edge of the Island, looking down as the waves collided against the rocky body of the island. Above her, the white moon gleamed resplendently against the dark purple backdrop of the night sky. Whilst in front of her the sea seemed to stretch endlessly into the horizon as if reminding her that escape was impossible. This island did not belong to the rest of the world.

Wendy felt like jumping from the cliff and plunging into the cold, unforgiving ocean below. Since she couldn’t escape the Shadow Corpus or get off the island, the only option now seemed to be death. Without realizing it until she felt the cold steel tingle in her hands, Wendy placed her right hand against the silver cross dangling around her neck. If she died now, would God forgive her for the monstrosities she had helped create?

From the darkness, almost like a whisper being carried by the wind into her ears, she heard a dangerously familiar voice say: “Wendy.”

Although Wendy knew what person it belonged to, it still seemed to grab at her heart with icy fingers. Slowly, she turned away from the ocean to face the man who now stood in front of her.

In the moonlight she could make out Vladimir Gordon’s features as he stood a few feet from her. She recognized that jet black, cropped hair and long, thick goatee that matched his chiselled chins and square jaw line. He stood like he always did- upright and firm, almost as if authority came to him as easy as breathing. And those deep, calculating, brown eyes. Those same eyes he had used to gaze at her and win her heart when she was young and foolish. Her father had always said that love had a way of turning against you. He couldn’t have been more right.

Vladimir took a step towards her and Wendy stepped back. The heel of her foot knocked back a small rock, which fell off the cliff and plummeted towards the crashing waves below. It landed with a gentle splash and for a moment Wendy wondered what sound her body would make when it made contact with the ravaging ocean waves.

“Wendy, please,” Vladimir said as he stretched out his hands towards her, “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

His words sounded soft and reassuring but Wendy had given up hope in trusting the voices of men in authority. Looking past the suit and tie, she knew it was all lies. “Of course it has to be like this,” she replied. “He controls you.”

“No, I’ am the leader of the Silver Order,” Vladimir said, eyes locked onto Wendy’s face. “He does not control me, he only guides me. We share the same vision of the future.”

“Well I do not share that same vision anymore. The Silver Order can go to blazes.”

“Please Wendy, open your eyes. You know this is for the best. The Silver Order does what it does for the future of our children.” Vladimir’s voice began to grow more desperate as the rustling of the leaves grew louder. “It’s only a matter of time before the Shadow Corpus finds you. They will eliminate you like they did with the other scientists but I can stop them from killing you. Vladimir locked his eyes onto Wendy’s and softened his voice. “I know our daughter is alive. All I ask is you to tell me where she is.”

The loud snap of tree branches in front of Wendy cracked in her ears and she noticed the rustle slightly. The Shadow Corpi were getting closer, she could picture their red, piercing eyes like a demons in the night. She could feel their cybernetic, metallic feet pressing against the natural earth, each step cutting the string of her life but she needed to be brave. Wendy looked directly at Vladimir now. “My daughter is hidden and you will not find her,” she said defiantly then stared at his eyes, never leaving them as she spoke. “You are not God, Vladimir. Neither you nor he can control the destinies of human beings.”

Vladimir took another step forward towards Wendy. “Please,” he said, his voice deep and quiet now. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. It doesn’t need to end this way.”

Wendy had heard Vladimir’s words but they hadn’t entered her heart. As she stood on the edge of the Island, she closed her eyes and let the slight wind play with her short-length brown hair and relax the tension in her muscles. Death was simply a fall away and she needed to make sure she was ready to let go of life. In her mind, the images of her daughter appeared and it gave her warmth. If things had been different and the world hadn’t changed she wondered if she would have made a great mother. She smiled to herself as the image of her child beamed at her. Now it was time to let go.

Placing her hands on her cross, she gave one last look at the man she had once loved, father of her child. Vladimir gazed at her with pleading, remorseful eyes that showed the weaker, passionate side to his character. But that was not enough to change her mind. Before she let herself fall backwards she wrapped her hands around her cross. Religion was considered a relic of the past but Wendy found that in these times, religion was a great comfort as it gave her hope there was existence after death.

Wendy gave one last look at the world in front of her. Although it wasn’t very clear amongst the tall trees, she could make out the silhouette of Technopolis. Its massive, silver tower stood high and firm; overlooking the city. One day, it would all come crashing down. As she prepared for the final step, she whispered: “God, forgive me for my sins.” Then she fell off the cliff.

The last thing her eyes saw was Vladimir screaming her name before the cold waters broke her bones and death snatched her from life

Maetrix66 · 03-28-2008, 07:35 AM

It's nice to see cyberpunk being explored. I'm currently writing a post-cyberpunk novel, the first chapter of which is posted on this forum.

This beginning set's the stakes clearly, which is a good thing. It's something you'll be able to play off from through the rest of the story.

I know this is a first draft, and the story is rolling well. My only quams about it would most likely be resolved when you go back to revise it for a second draft. I particularly like the quote at the beginning, I have not heard it before but it is very true, and even better, applicable to your (and any) cyberpunk story.

As a reader, I would now assume that the story will now take one of the following roads.

-The story will now follow the daughter, and her attempt to elude the Silver Order or the Shadow Corpus.

-It will follow Vladimir, and his search for the daughter. His motives seem dubious, which is good. The internal conflict of his desire to find his daughter against the need to serve his Order coudl make for good drama.

-or both.

Which is good. The reader should normally have an idea where the story is going, so that when you pull the rug out from under them, they fall on their butt.

Very good start. Welcome back, I read that you've been in a literary funk lately, and the first chapter is always the hardest. Here's hoping that this get's you back on track!

Sparx · 03-29-2008, 09:28 PM

Thanks for the reply Maetrix66. You've pretty much got the idea of where i want the story to head but they will be a lot of surprises. I'll check out your cyberpunk story soon and leave own comment. Glad you like the story so far.

lin · 03-30-2008, 12:12 AM

I'd suggest before placing for critique you straighten out the MANY spelling errors here and start taking a look at wordy, awkward sentence construction.

THEN get opinions.

Sparx · 03-30-2008, 05:13 AM

Lin:Well it is a first draft so its not going to be perfect. I agree there are some sentences that could be shortened for better flow. However i fail to see these "MANY" spelling mistakes. Please point some of them out.

Cefor · 03-30-2008, 11:48 AM

searching for Wendy Hope who they were sent to capture and kill.
This is an awkward sentence, I suggest re-wording it...

the dark understory of the forest,
Should be undergrowth, or something similar.

would god forgive
Capital 'G' for God.

upright and firmalmost as if authority came to him as easy as breathing.
Put a ; or , after firm.

Behind the bravado, she knew it was all lies
Isn't the right word... use something else, bravado is like boasting, and he isn't

You are not god, Vladimir.
Capital 'G' needed again.

And the Shadow Corpus... you use the same thing for both singular and plural. It sounds wrong to me when I read it, yet at the same time I can't really think of something suitable to change it too.

I think it has promise, if you work at the grammar of the piece it'll be much better. Try reading the work out loud. That way you'll see where you need commas or semi-colons.

Another thing to think about, when I read your dialogue I couldn't help but think that the characters were just saying what you needed them to say, rather than what they as a character would say. The dialogue just wasn't really that believable.

Now, don't take this as too harsh please. It is a critique that should help you write to a better standard. Like I said I think this has promise, and Cyberpunk is a genre that I enjoy reading; though I haven't read a lot of it. So, keep at it!

Cefor

Ilasir Maroa · 03-30-2008, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparx

Finally, after a 4 month hibernation from writing i finally decide to write my third novel called CyberNeverland. Right now i've simply written the prologue and i would like to know if the story captures your interest and would make you read on. Also, any opinion on the written style and how it could improve. Thanks and hope you enjoy this small snippet of this epic, sci-fi story.

CyberNeverland

We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

PROLOGUE

At first there was only the usual sound of the forest. Faint, clicking noises of the grasshoppers snapping their wings collaboratedthat implies concious action. Perhaps "combined" with the coniferous trees’ rustling leavesneedles, being that you stated these trees were coniferous to create the familiar, faint song of nature at night. Only this quiet melody was broken by the snap of a branch, followed by the sound of metal bashing against wood. High above in the canopy of the forest, three Shadow Corpusthis needs to be plural. Probably Latin nomintaive, second declension sprang from branch to branch, their metal-plated, hardwired legs allowing them to land on the thick branches of the tress with precision. With powerful force, they leapt through the air like ancient Ninjasresearch this idea, sounds more like anime nijas than historical ninjas. Once they landed on the branches of the trees, they crouched and their skinny, cold metallic arms fell to their sidemake this plural to agree with the fact that the subject pronoun is plural.. The glow of their red, electronic eyes was drowned by the piercing moonlightmoonlight is nither peircing nor copious enough to drown anything at night. as they scanned the surrounding forest acutelythis adverb doesn't fit with the verb. perhaps "wearily" or "carefully";should be a comma searching for Wendy Hope, who they were sent to capture and kill. perhaps a seguey, to keep this transition from being so abrupt.

It had been a long time since Wendy had feared for her life. As she sprinted through the nocturnal maze of the forest, feeling her legs ache from all the running, she remembered her teen years. How, before the world was ravished by the Nuke war, she used to play in the forests back in England. One time she came face to face with a wild Pit-bull Terrier that had chased her and if not for her father;comma would have probably torn her into unrecognizable pieces. Only now, in this forest, she was not being chased by an untamed dog but by ruthless cyborgs that she had helped create.like the irony, but this seems a bit like infodumping.

She shook her head and wiped the memory from her thoughtsperhaps "mind" would flow more smoothly.. Maybe when people knewshould be "know" to agree with the preent tense "return" they were going to die their past returns to them but Wendy had no time to dwell on such thoughts. As her father had always told her during the war, she needed to run and always run till it was safe. Yet the deeper Wendy sprinted into the forest, ignoring her aching lungs and the cuts and bruises on her arms, the more running seemed futile. The forest was too huge in scope"huge" gives the same meaning as "huge in scope" and it was too dark to effectively navigate. Where could she possibly run to? Hiding was also useless because the Shadow Corpus would eventually find her. But if she didn’t run then the Shadow Corpus would get her and rip her apart. okay, why two sentences if both are saying the same thing? If she can't escape, then running is "futile". Perhaps you could involve some hope here... "but at least" running wasn't a sure loss."

Her disturbing thoughts of death were pushed aside by the crashing noise of what sounded like sea waveshow about just say "waves"? and leave out "what sounded like sea"? It only takes two sentences to find out they are waves. . Using the trees and shrubs in order to guidehow so? herself through the dark understory of the forest, Wendy ventured"ventured" often implies caution... is she being cautious? towards where the sound was coming from. Once she managed to get out of understory"forest" would probably fit better, since an "understory" can't extend beyond the canopy. she found herself standing at the edge of the Island, looking down as the ocean wavesyou could drop waves, becuase obviouls, the ocean hitting rocks involves waves. collided against the rocky body of the island. Above her, the white moon gleamed resplendentlywhy the big word? against the dark purple backdrop of the night sky.using "whilst" implies that the sentence has not come to a full stop, so why the period? Is it used for stylistic reasons? Whilst in front of her the sea seemed to stretch endlessly into the nightthe repetition of "night" so close together seems a bit awkward. as if reminding her that escape was impossible. This island did not belong to the rest of the world.interesting way to forshadow, set tone.

Wendy felt like jumping from the cliff and plunging into the cold, unforgiving ocean below. Since she couldn’t escape the Shadow Corpus or get off the island;comma the only option now seemed to be death. Without realizing it until she felt the cold steel tingle in her hands, Wendy placed her right hand against the silver cross dangling around her neck.this sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps brak it into two. If she died now, would god forgive her for the monstrosities she had helped create?

From the darkness, almost like a whisper being carried by the wind into her ears, she heard a dangerously familiar voice say: “Wendy.”

Although Wendy knew whose voicehow can a voice belong to a voice? just say "person". it belonged to, it still seemed to grab at her heart with icy fingers. Slowly, she turned away from the ocean to face the man who now stood in front of her.

Through"in"? the moonlight she could make out Vladimir Gordon’s features as he stood a few feet from herclearly he's close... do you need to give a distance?. Instantly, she recognized that jet black, cropped hair and long, thick goatee that matched his chiselled chins and square jaw line.wait... she already recognized him. Maybe you should put this first, or else drop "instantly". He stood like he always did- upright and firm almost as if authority came to him as easy as breathing. And those deep, calculating, brown eyes. Those same eyes he had used to gaze at her and win her heart when she was young and foolish. When she thought about it,so if she hadn't thought about it, he didn't say it? her father had always said that love had a way of turning against you. He couldn’t have been more right.

Vladimir took a step towards her and Wendy stepped back. The heel of her foot knocked back a small rockperhaps a comma here which fell of"off" the cliff and plummeted towards the crashing waves below. It landed with a gentle splash and for a moment Wendy wondered what sound her body would make when it made contact with the ravaging ocean waves. good mood setter, if a bit melodramatic.

“Wendy, please,” Vladimir said, as he stretched out his hands towards Wendyuse "her" since he already said her name., “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

His words sounded soft and reassuring but Wendy had given up hope in trusting the voices of men in authority. Behind the bravado"concern" perhaps, since "bravado" implies he's acting brave when he isn't. , she knew it was all lies. “Of course it has to be like this,” she replied. “He controls you.”

“No, I am the leader of the Silver Order,” Vladimir said, eyes locked onto Wendy’s face. “He does not control me, he only guides me. We share the same vision of the future.”

“Well I do notwhy not a contraction? share that same vision anymore.”

“Please Wendy, open your eyes. You know this is for the best. The Silver Order does what it does for the future of our children.” Vladimir’s voice began to grow more desperate as the rustling of the leaves grow louder. “It’s only a matter of time before the Shadow Corpus finds you. They will eliminate you like they did with the other scientists but I can stop them from killing you. I know our daughter is alive. All I ask is for you to tell me where she is.”

The loud snap of tree branches cracked in Wendy’s ears and she noticed the shrubs in front of her rustle slightlydo you mean "behind him"? Because the way you phrased it gives the impression that she is closer to the woods than he, and yet her back is to the cliff.. The Shadow Corpus were getting closer, she could picture their red, piercing eyes like a demons in the night. She could feel their cybernetic, metallic feet pressing against the natural earth, each step cutting the string of her life, but she needed to be brave. Wendy looked directly at Vladimir now. “My daughter is hidden and you will not find her,” she said defiantly. “You are not god, Vladimir. Neither you nor he can control the destinies of human beings.”

Vladimir took another step forward towards Wendy. “Please,” he said, his voice deep and quiet. “I love you. It doesn’t need to end this way.”

Wendy had heard Vladimir’s words but they hadn’t entered her heart. As she stood on the edge of the Island, she closed her eyes and let the slight wind play with her short-length brown hair and relax the tension in her muscles. Death was simply a fall away and she needed to make sure she was ready to let go of life. In her mind, the images of her daughter appeared and it gave her warmth. If things had been different and the world hadn’t changed she wondered if she would have made a great mother. She smiled to herself as the image of her child beamed at her. Now it was time to let go.

Placing her hands on her cross, she gave one last look at the man she had once loved and the father of her childimplies two men... perhaps "the man she had once loved, the father of her child.". Vladimir gazed at her with pleading, remorseful eyes that showed the weaker, passionate side to his character. But that was not enough to change her mind. Before she let herself fall backwards she wrapped her hands around her cross. Religion was considered a relic of the past but Wendy found that in these times, religion was a great comfort as it gave her hope there was existence after death.

Before she let herself fall backwards she looked up.You've already said she feel, perhaps this should be placed before that. Although it wasn’t very clear amongst the tall trees, she could make out the silhouette of Technopolis. Its massive, silver tower stood high and firm; overlooking the city. One day, it would all come crashing down. As she prepared for the final step, she whispered: “God, forgive me for my sins.” Then she fell off the cliff.

The last thing her eyes saw was Vladimir screaming her name before the cold waters broke her bones and death snatched her from life.

An interesting story, if it's hard to judge because of lack of knowledge. It's an old plot, I look forward to your interpretation.

One issue you had throughout the piece was that you broke the flow of time in several places, going back even after you had already let something happen. It's be a lot easier to just put those events before you had the final event occur.

The other issue is that you're a bit wordy. There are some awkward sentences and a bit of redundancy that slows down the pace of the story. The chase would feel much more immediate if you cut some of that out.

lin · 03-30-2008, 02:38 PM

Why would you post an uncorrected first draft for critique. It's inefficient and rude.

Sparx · 03-30-2008, 03:23 PM

Lin: Sorry i'm not some super writer but most average writers first draft is riddled with mistakes. That is why its called a first draft. I'll admit there were a few mistakes but not up to the point where it was unreadable. There is nothing "rude" about posting a first draft with some spelling mistakes. I'm a novice writer, i will miss out certain mistakes. If your not going to critique my work then stop posting irrelevant comments on my topic.

omginternetlord · 03-30-2008, 04:43 PM

Well it's wordy. It's certainly very, very wordy.

Honestly that's the first thing I noticed and it put me off. Unfortunately, it's like my reading was burdened by having to trawl through so many adverbs and adjectives.

Cefor · 03-31-2008, 04:49 PM

Sparx, I'd take no notice of what he(Lin) says... tbh it seems like he is only trying to get a bigger word count.... they were rather useless comments...

Oh, and will you be editing the post according to the two crits? Hope so.

Sparx · 03-31-2008, 07:05 PM

Ilasir Maroa: Thanks for that insightful, indepth ciritique. I will take all the great corrections you have suggested. I'm a little rusty(as you can tell) but thanks for your patience and taking your time to read the piece through. PS. Wow, i never knew about that latin plural structure. Did you do English Language in Uni by any chance?

omginternetlord: Yeah, i do agree there. After a more thorough reading i can see i got a bit carried away with some discriptions. Although i don't really use much adverbs.

Cefor: I'll definently be listening to the critics i've recieved and applying them to this piece.

lin · 03-31-2008, 08:03 PM

Quote:

That is why its called a first draft.

Yeah, cutie. And first drafts are meant to be shown to people. And yeah, it's fucking rude.
You come her to learn something, but don't want to accept comments. Fine, Good luck.

Quote:

f your not going to critique my work then stop posting irrelevant comments on my topic.

I DID critique it, you just didn't like it. And I'll post as I please, thanks very fucking much.

Quote:

I'll definently be listening to the critics i've recieved and applying them to this piece.

Not my impression.

Sparx · 04-01-2008, 12:27 AM

lin: Whoa chill out there. Look im sorry if i've somehow offended you but no one seems to be complaining about the first draft i posted being rude except you. If you don't want to believe that im taking notes of the critiques i've recieved then fine. I've never explicity said i didn't like your critic did i. I just asked you to clarify them because you were vague.

Seriously dude, chill out.

lin · 04-01-2008, 01:42 AM

You're pretty good at telling people what to do, aren't you, kid? Does it get you anywhere in real life.

You come here asking for help on this train wreck, give me shit for the horrible suggestion that you should clean it up before hanging it out the window...which is pretty much what any actual writer or editor is going to tell you...then come off with "don't post here" and "chill out"

I have a much better suggestion. Why don't you go fuck yourself? Don't put it off.