Wilem

Wow Lin, Jesus... You didn't actually critique here. All you did was immediately jump down the poor guys throat. He's got some spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes yeah, and he's fully accepted that. I do not believe he's once swore at you so where's the need to do so to him?
I also fail to see how posting something with spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes is at all rude, unless somehow they hurt you, which if they do.... good luck with that.

As far as the stories concerned I liked it. Found it readable and enjoyable. I could only point out the mistakes that other people have already highlighted for you Sparx but I did really enjoy it. Good job.

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The cake, it is a lie!
Questioning everything but learning nothing since 1991.

Hawke

Moderator's Note: Keep it about the original work, not about the posters.

Hawke

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Ilasir Maroa

English Language in Uni? Like University? No, I took Latin in highschool, and just from general reading and reseacrh, I know that you usually plural words from Latin with their Latin plural markers.

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lin

This is not jumping down somebody's throat. If "rude" is a problem, substitute "stupid" or "inefficient" or something as you see fit.

This is good advice. (Unlike "I could only point out the mistakes that other people have already highlighted for you")

The advice is: clean up your act before showing it to people. Otherwise you're wasting their time and yours.

Second piece of advice: you go on a board asking for input, don't get missish about what you hear.

How's that?

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cheezehog

I like the pace of this piece: it gets right in there, and I was interested right from the end of the first paragraph. I hope you post some more, because I like the way it's goin.

One thing though: I felt that your portrayal of Vladimir is slightly confused. (Either that, or you are foreshadowing a concept that intrigues me.) He is aware that she is about to suicide, and is trying to talk her out of it, yet he tells her that "It’s only a matter of time before the Shadow Corpus finds you" and that they will eliminate her. Not really a problem if she's already dead, right? Unless, like I said, this is a foreshadow, maybe something to do with a kind of afterlife (like Iain M. Banks' feersum endjin?).

Of course, I could be completely misunderstanding something here... maybe he didn't realise what she was doing until a little later in the dialog. In that case, perhaps a little clarification is needed. Anyway, I can't wait to see more!

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Sparx

cheezehog: Thanks for the reply Cheezehog. Vladimir is trying to convince Laura not to commit suicide. Maybe i need to make that more clear.This particular scene forshadows a lot but you just gonna have to read the story to find out...

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Sparx

My bad, acidental double post.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Sparx

CHAPTER ONE

City Of The Future

“Number 692, will you please refrain from sleeping during class.”

The high-pitched, electronic voice of the android sprung 15-year old Iris from her sleep. Tiredly, she lifted her head from her floating desk, rubbed her eyes and scratched the itch in her black, curly, shoulder-length hair. Once the blurry images of her surroundings came into focus, she instantly noticed the android hovering in front of her. Its glass eyes extended out from its sockets and scanned Iris before retreating back into the holes in its hardwired, iron plated head.

“Number 692,” the android said, the complex machinery in its body making faint buzzing noises, “this is the third time you have been sleeping in class. Despite my former warnings you have continued to do so.”

Iris could see where this conversation was heading and although she knew she couldn’t change it she still said: “Oh please don’t…”

As she suspected, the android ignored her completely. “This is intolerable,” the android continued. “As a result of your continuous disobedience you are now deducted 10 points from your level score.” A thin red laser shot out from the red, glass lenses that were the android’s eyes and hit her silver, spandex uniform. Slowly, the laser moved across her chest until it stopped at the number 40 visually digitalized on her chest. The numbers began to count down and stopped at number 40.

Before Iris could say anything else, the android hovered away from her and returned to the front of the room where it continued talking about equations and right-angled triangles. Iris scanned the wide, circular classroom where 30 other students sat in their circular, white chairs hovering a good feet above the ground, their eyes and ears focused on the android. As she looked around the classroom with its plain walls, she caught Adrian staring back at her. He shook his head in a manner that she knew meant he was disappointed in her and refocused his attention back on the lesson.

With a big sigh, Iris crossed her arms and rested her head on them. Children were not supposed to dream in Technopolis. Nobody she knew had dreams but she just had to be different. Why she kept having these weird dreams that were barely clear was a disturbing mystery to her. She would ask questions but such questions could get you taken away by the Shadow Corpus. Nobody wanted to get taken away by them because you certainly weren’t going to come back.

The hover desks and hover chairs began to slowly descend towards the ground as did the android. Once the whole class had reached the floor, they stood from the chairs attached to their desks and removed the circular CD’s that retracted from underneath their desks. Iris removed her small, black CD and slotted it into her pocket. That small device contained all the work they had learned this lesson which they were expected to revise once they returned to their sanctions.

“It is crucial that you are consistent in your revision,” the android said, its voice shrill as it attached itself to couple of wires connected to the walls in order to charge itself for tomorrow’s lesson. “Your exams are in precisely five weeks before the New Year begins.”

Everyone had heard this too many times to really bother listen and quietly made their way out of the classroom in single profile. Iris stood in bored silence at the back of the line as the students made their way out. Once she was out of the class, she quickly located Adrian standing in the plain white corridors. He impatiently tapped the watched embedded on his sleeve as Iris approached him.

“Sorry for taking so long to get out, Adrian” Iris said, as the both of them started down the long corridor where other students were talking with each other.

“I told you to stop addressing me by that name, 692,” Adrian said, as he adjusted his thick glasses and scratched his short, black hair. “I’am 691. Do you know how much trouble will be in if are teacher or Watcher fount out we gave each other names.” Iris could sense the fear in his voice and nudged him on his shoulder.

“And my name isn’t 692 for you information,” she said then stuck her tongue out at him. “No one is gonna find out. Stop worrying all the time. Besides, you gotta admit, Adrian sounds much better than 691.”

“Yeah well, I’d rather have a numerical name than a name that could get me taken away by the Shadow Corpus,” Adrian replied, rubbing his shoulder where Iris had hit him. “Besides, you need to stop sleeping in class. Look, you’re now on level 40. That’s near the naughty level you know.”

Iris was going to reply but her words were drowned by the sound of loud screaming coming from the other end of the corridor. Iris and Adrian along with the other students turned their heads back to see where it was coming from. Iris’ body suddenly went rigid when she saw them.

Two Shadow Corpi; their skinny legs barely attached to their metallic, wired waists; slogged through the corridor. The red glow of the electronic lenses in their lifeless eyes shone onto the white walls. Although Iris had never seen a dead body she imagined this is what they would look like. In the Shadow Corpus’ hands, screaming and kicking in defiance was a young, blonde boy who Iris recognized as number 901. The level number on his white uniform was zero which meant one thing-he had been a disobedient child. Disobedience was one thing that was not tolerated in Technopolis.

“It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair,” the boy kept screaming, his face turning red as the Shadow Corpus dragged him along the floor. “You can’t do this. I can be whoever I want. I don’t want to grow up to be an adult. No one can make me. Never. I will---ugh”

The boy’s rampant protest was silenced to by a swift kick to the head by Captain Smith Hook who now came behind the two Shadow Corpi. Iris felt Adrian place his fingers in-between hers and squeeze as Captain Smith Hook walked past them and she couldn’t blame him. Captain Smith Hook, as everyone knew him by, was the leader of the Shadow Corpus and besides the Headmaster, everyone feared him. Unlike the Shadow Corpus, he was built with huge, metallic biceps and iron legs which resembled that of a horse. His metal skin and face was black. Besides his frightening appearance, a large gun cannon was attached to where his right arm should have been, adding to his lethal build. What scared Iris the most though, were his green, round eyes that seemed to show no emotion or mercy. Discipline was all he knew and discipline was all you would get.

Once he had got to the end of the corridor, Captain Smith Hook turned around to face the white-faced students. “Return to your sanctions at once. If any one is caught outside after the curfew time,” a grin appeared on his face, “well you know the rules.” With those words he left the building along with the other two Shadow Corpi and the boy who would never be seen again.

Since that little affair had now ended the students continued on with their bland discussions about the lessons they just had or how they would be revising for the evening. Others decided to make their way out of the school and seeing no other reason to stay, Iris and Adrian made their way outside as well, trying to wipe away the scene they had just witnessed.

Outside, in the chilly winter, small flakes of snow glided down towards the city of Technopolis, covering the smooth, silver roads in a blanket of thin snow. Even the neon skyscrapers where some children lived, with its electronic, green windows and flashing neon lights were subject to a new look as the snow settled upon the roofs. Above the students, the Hover trains, decorated in their neon lights and black steel sped across the silver tracks grounded to the floor by tall steel pillars, flinging the snow on the tracks onto the ground. Right in the middle of the city the tall Silver tower stood high, letting the snow rest on its four corners. The Ambition Section of the city where Iris lived with Adrian was often very cold during this time of year but the spandex suits Iris and everyone wore monitored the outside temperature in the city and adjusted their body heat accordingly. Winter was the time of year where everyone prepared for their exams and the cold only made things more gloomy. But as usual, no one ever complained.

As Iris walked alongside Adrian, passing the many silver lampposts lined across the pedestrian, her ears caught the booming voice of the Headmaster. In front of her she could see the large, unfocused holographic image of the Headmaster at the centre of the road. You couldn’t live in Technopolis and not know who the Headmaster was because he was everywhere and he controlled everything. Like always, he held his silver staff and wore what he always wore-his shiny, silver suit with his silver tie. Even though Iris had never seen him in person (no one ever saw the Headmaster in person until they were adults) she imagined his goatee was probably silver as well.

“Learn, think, revise and be obedient,” the Headmaster’s voice boomed with pride as his holographic image looked down upon the passing students. “Technopolis is the city of children. It is the city of the future for you are our future. Learn, think, revise and be obedient and one day you shall be part of the New World’s great society. You shall be adults.”

Iris turned away from the large holographic image of the Headmaster. Becoming an adult was the main goal of all the people in Technopolis since everyone was either a child or a teenager. Adults were the people who made society work and function and this message was fed into their minds when they were eating, talking and even sleeping. Their goal was to become an adult and make the New World a better place. As for Iris, she couldn’t care less about becoming an adult. But only a stubborn child would protest against the Headmaster’s commands. Being stubborn was something Iris was an expert at.

“What’s so good about becoming an adult anyway,” Iris decided to say to Adrian since all this silent walking was boring her. “I mean, it’s bad enough being a child and living in this place when all we do is revise and do exams all day.”

Adrian put his hand across her mouth. “Stop talking like that 692. Do you want a Shadow Corpi to hear you? Your tongue is too quick.”

“If you call me that number again,” Iris said, pushing Adrian’s hand away, “Not only will I bite you but I’ll get us in big trouble with our Watcher at home. Iris grinned at him cheekily. “And you know I’ll do it.”

“Ok, ok I’m sorry…Iris,” Adrian said, changing his voice to a whisper as he said her name. “I just don’t understand why you act so disobedient and ask all these extremist questions. We are here to be the best students we can be so we’ll be adults in the New World. What more could you want?”

Iris looked to the plain, blue skies and stuck her hand out. She watched as a thin snow flake found its way onto her palms then melted slowly into a drop of clear water. “But there has gotta be more to life than just revise, study and then become an adult. Something more must…”

Even before Iris could complete her sentence she was thrown back by the large explosion of debris and smoke flung into the air. In front of her, the top half of a building some yards away had crumbled into pieces. What followed was hysteria and confusion as the sound of running feet and loud shouts attacked Iris’ ears.

Despite the fiasco surrounding her like a ring of fire, Iris managed to get on her feet. The explosion, she realized, had come from the large, dome-shaped cafeteria building where children collected their food at lunch. The caferteria was not only spilling smoke but half its roof had falling in. Amongst the fracas of running teenagers and children, she noticed a few Shadow Corpus jumping through the crowd as if springs were attached to their legs- no doubt making their way towards the now semi-destroyed cafeteria building.

Something warm and sweaty clutched Iris’ hands. She turned her head instantly. A heavy relief came over when it was only Adrian who had grabbed her hand. His big glasses were covered in smog. “We—we-gotta-get-get out of here,” he said, still recovering from the shock of the explosion. “It’s probably those Futuritz who are doing this.”

Excitement suddenly surged through Iris and her eyes lit up. “Do you really think it’s them?” Iris asked, looking back at the building which was still pouring out smoke from its damaged roof.

“What does it matter,” Adrian said, shaking Iris’ hands frantically. “We have to--” Adrian stared at Iris as if he knew what she was about to say and shook his head. “No, don’t even think about it. I’m not going to let you.”

Adrian didn’t even have a chance to stop her. Iris slid her hand away from his and ran towards the building. As she sprinted forward she turned back to Adrian and shouted: “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

Even though Iris felt kind of hurt when Adrian stared back at her hopelessly and closed his eyes she still ran forward towards the silver steps that lead into the building. It wasn’t everyday (in fact, it was never) something interesting and unexpected happened in her life. She was determined to get the most out of it.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Sparx

I made a few corrections to the chapter and the prologue.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Sparx

Although i don't like bumping my topics, I really need a reply on this chapter to see if my writing style is solid and interesting. Thanks.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Ungood

Hello Sparx, I am Ungood, and I don't work with grammar, I look at the realistic aspect of your work (accommodating in magic or what have you to bend the laws of space and time, after all this is fantasy, but it still needs to seem real)

I hope you don't mind if I look at your work.

why is the desk floating? makes this sound like "Magic" not tech. Use some technical term like "Anti-gravity-thingamadingy"

You counted down to the number 40 from 40 after a 10 point deduction?

"near naughty level" I laughed at that one... I am not sure if they was just a stab at humor.. and dang it was funny... or shot a hole in the realism of this.

This sounds - off for some reason.

Reword this, it does not flow well.

Odd that the Head Master would also be some weapon like thing. I would gander there to be motive for this, even I myself do not know what it is.

Too cruel for "Robot" but I imagine that you have AI now that can have personality. However, this does not seem to mesh well in an overall theme of this Capitan Hook person.

Why does this feel odd. I am not sure if it is a nice touch or just makes things feel off. I would imagine that robots would not like "wet" things like snow and have most of the place enclosed.

But the snow is a nice touch.

Something about that "Spandex Suits" seems off. Sounds low tech.

Ok, Holographic Image RIGHT THERE!, She can tell he is wearing silver! But has never seen him. Read word this to have it make sense.

Quote:

“Learn, think, revise and be obedient,”

Think and be obedient are counterproductive concepts for despots, either you are inspired to think or you expected to obey, pick one. This really kills things to tell the truth.

Fearful and stubborn don't mix well.

Revise or Review (Study)?

Sounds big worded for a kid, I imagine a "Shut up!" not a "your tongue is too quick" especially after what they just saw.

Not feeling the realism of their conversation right now, does not reflect the mood.

How? I mean in this situation Adrian has the upper hand as all he has to say is that 692 wants to be called Iris and things go bad for her.

Too much thinking for a "AHHH WE JUST GOT ATTACKED!" you know..

Your MC's interaction are rough if not completely off, forced might be the best way to describe it. Your over thinking them.

Your data and set up are hard to follow, much of what you put out does not generate a visual world and it feels mixed and matched.

This does not feel like a "School/Prison/City" of the future you are trying to generate.

You have these black skeletons, an obscure head master, and an Captain Hook fellow that sounds like an android minotaur with a big gun. The Players seems a bit over the top and I think that HM could be safely removed and it would not hurt your story. Captain Hook could be made more Human Like and it would still work, these are kids, in a school.

I mean the idea here is that there is this freedom fighter rebellion that believes in individuality and free thought and Iris joins them and finally faces the HM and frees the children after she discovers that the adults are either turned into robots or killed/eaten/burned/frozen/trapped into sacks and used for a power supply or something along those lines, in the end they are NOT the builders of the society that the kids think will happen.

I am not sure what to say but a lot of it does not flow well both in tech and in feeling.

All in all however, if has some great potential.

Ungood.

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Sparx

Thanks for the indepth and much appreciated feedback Ungood. I will definently go back and smooth out the world i've created. I think the way i've described it in certain sections has come of the wrong way. I do agree that i guess i need to make the city feel more techological in its feeling. But their is a reason why Caption Hook is an android(his not necessarily robot but just a human modified with robotic limbs). As i type, i'm looking over the chapter and making the corrections you have suggested. Again, thanks for the feedback.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"