Fitz1901

“My Brother, he’s always seen things….you know things which aren’t really there. Like when he was seven he would always just blank out and start talking to Bugs bunny, or Michael Jordan or some other famous celebrity.” Why in the hell did he bring his sister along? Kent Richards was sitting in a room which was desperately trying to be vacant. Completely white walls surrounded him, with portraits occasionally dotting the wall. In the middle of the room leaning back on his chair, with a look of “say the wrong thing and I’ll shoot you.” was the biggest prick in the world, Kent’s boss.
“So why did I not hear about this before” His Boss Tom Gold inquired, while his Olive eyes glared at Kent beneath his low hanging glasses. “ Because the last time I’ve had one of those visions I was seven years old, seeing as I am now 37 Theres not a chance I would see another vision anytime soon.” Tom Gold was still glaring at Kent. “In other words” Kent continued “If it wasn’t for my sister, it wouldn’t be a concern.” Kent flashed a smile, Tom did not.
Kent’s sister Elizabeth shrunk back “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up.” Gold pulled out a hefty stack of papers from his desk. “The fact is we have never liked you Kent.” Thanks for the compliment Kent muttered under his breath. “You constantly slack off, you’re a nuisance to the company, and it’s a miracle you have a job here in the first place, but the position has to be filled, and you’re our best candidate.” He handed Kent the stack of papers. “Read and know this information, come back here on Tuesday, You’ll sign the contract, and you’ll have the job.” Kent Gave Tom another Smile, Tom now frowned. His eyes still glaring. “But one hint of trouble and your demoted you hear me” Kent desperately wanting to get out of the room, spat out his next request “Uh…My sister wants to know if you have a job opening…” Elizabeth’s eyes lit up as soon as she heard the question “No, now get the hell away!” Elizabeth’s eyes didn’t remain shining for long.
They quietly exited the two story complex and went there separate ways home. Elizabeth, wearing a dress (trying to impress Kent’s unimpressable boss) decided to take a taxi so not to ruin it, Kent, wearing a worn down suit and tie preffered to walk.
Kent was pleased to inform people that he was twenty five years old, He was also pleased to tell people that he had a high paying job, a new car, a wife and kids, and was living the life of a king. What Kent was not pleased to tell people was that in reality he was 37 years old, had a low paying job, even after promotion, had no car, was single ( the longest he had kept a girlfriend was two weeks) and was living the life of a thirty seven year old loser.
. And let’s not forget he also has a bald spot. His six packs are covered by thirty pounds of flab, and he lives in an apartment. He also saw things when he was seven. Kent chuckled; he almost forgot that part of his miserable life. Unlike his sister suggested he never saw Bugs bunny, but he did see Jesus Christ in a T-shirt which read spoiler I Die. “I remember that day” Kent reminicensed, , It was a shiny sunny day, one of those days where you look up at the sun and suddenly remember why your parents told you you weren’t supposed to look at the sun. His parents took Kent to a playground, It was a pretty poor playground, all but one of the swings were broken and the actual play set was graffitied with language to make Mother Theresa faint.
So Kent decided to stare at the sun. When people try to describe the sun usually it involves words like bright, yellow, and hot. But when Kent looked at the sun that day he described it as a completely blue room, with two red couches which seemed to illuminate a mysterious light, and in the middle of this room, was Jesus Christ.
“You shouldn’t stare at the sun Kent; it could hurt your eyes.” The seven year old Kent shuffled his feet nervously “I figured that Jesus.” Jesus leaned back against the couch. “ Hey Kent your not going to become a 37 year old bum with a low paying jab, no car, and an apartment are you.” Kent laughed “Of course not Jesus I’m going to make you proud.” Jesus winked at him. “You make sure you do that Kent.”
When Kent waked up he was staring the ceiling in a hospital bed. He had been out for seven hours.

Chapter 1 to be continued

darbycrash

Ok, so you might have a good story here, but there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes.


“My Brother, he’s always seen things….you know things which aren’t really there. Like when he was seven he would always just blank out and start talking to Bugs bunny, or Michael Jordan or some other famous celebrity.” Why in the hell did he bring his sister along? Who is asking this question? It confused me right away. Kent Richards was sitting in a room which was desperately trying to be vacant. The room was trying to be vacant? Completely white walls surrounded him, with portraits occasionally dotting the wall. In the middle of the room leaning back on his chair, with a look of “say the wrong thing and I’ll shoot you.” was the biggest prick in the world, Kent’s boss. This sentence is awkward, I had to read it a few times to understand.
“So why did I not hear about this before” His Boss Tom Gold inquired, while his Olive Is there a reason olive is capitalized? eyes glared at Kent beneath his low hanging glasses. “ Because the last time I had one of those visions I was seven years old, seeing as I am now 37 there's not a chance I would see another vision anytime soon.” Tom Gold was still glaring at Kent. “In other words” Kent continued “If it wasn’t for my sister, it wouldn’t be a concern.” Kent flashed a smile, Tom did not.
Kent’s sister Elizabeth shrunk back “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up.”Is there a reason in the plot for her bringing this up? Right now it makes no sense. Gold pulled out a hefty stack of papers from his desk. “The fact is we have never liked you Kent.” Thanks for the compliment Kent muttered under his breath. The way you have it written in italics, it's like he's thinking it. So either change the verb or remove the italics. “You constantly slack off, you’re a nuisance to the company, and it’s a miracle you have a job here in the first place, but the position has to be filled, and you’re our best candidate.” I would remove the best candidate part - from what you are saying Kent is a horrible worker, it's almost impossible for him to be the best candidate. Just end the sentence with "but the position has to be filled" He handed Kent the stack of papers. “Read and know this information, come back here on Tuesday, You’ll sign the contract, and you’ll have the job.” Kent Gave Tom another Smile smile shouldn't be capitalized, Tom now frowned. His eyes still glaring. “But one hint of trouble and your demoted you hear me” Kent desperately wanting to get out of the room, spat out his next request “Uh…My sister wants to know if you have a job opening…” Elizabeth’s eyes lit up as soon as she heard the question “No, now get the hell away!” Elizabeth’s eyes didn’t remain shining for long. This sentence is awkaward.
They quietly exited the two story complex and went their separate ways home. I stopped reading here.

Everything I wrote was my opinion, so do with it what you want. I hope I was too harsh.

Good luck

Fitz1901

Thanks for being harsh, I'm a novice ( wow isn't that obvious) and want to get this to perfection.

You brought up that theres no reason for me to be bringing up that Kent saw things when he was seven,

Well later on he starts seeing things again, and I wanted to bring the main theme of the story right away.

If you think theres a better way to bring it up, and you have an idea that would be amazing.

ScorpioJoe

__________________
Through the fire and flames we carry on!

~DragonForce

darbycrash

Ok, first of all - in my reply I meant to say "I hope I wasn't too harsh" !! I totally made myself out to be a bitch, sorry about that.

And I totally agree with Scorpio, the sister being there is strange, and it makes no sense that she starts talking about Kent's childhood. If you want to start your story with the main theme, I think you will have to begin with another scene.

Freedom Is Not Free

Trying to bring the main theme into the story right away isn't always the best way to go about things. Especially if it means that things are going to be awkward or unneeded just in order for you to do so. Besides, we don't know that the point of that comment is to let us know that Kent starts seeing things again in the future. If you really want to make refrence to his having seen things in the past, I would bring it up again when it hits in the story. Such as something like "it was happening again, just like when he was a younger boy..."

I also agree that there is no point in the sister being there at all. Kent could easily ask this question for his sister without her needing to be there. Not to mention that her only purpose there is to say something that is not needed and then to fade into the background.

I would like to point out though, that I'm not sure I find this bit all that believable. If they hated Kent so much, and thought he was a poor worker, despite their need they would not keep him around. I have worked at many places a man down because of this. Hell, I'm doing it now! It's just too hard for me to believe that everyone hates Kent, yet they are still hiring him. Which I'm also confused about. Are they just hiring him, or does he already work there? You make it sound like he's accepting a job, yet they already know so much about him. I would say that maybe you should clear that little bit up though.

Also remember (and I'm not sure if its because of the way things post on here) to make a paragraph when another person starts speaking. Otherwise it just becomes confusing trying to decphier who said what.

__________________

Fitz1901

Part 2 of chapter 1. same as before, three days of experience has not eliminated me being a novice. ( First story Ive ever written more than three pages.) but with that in mind be as harsh as possible. Paul seems useless but he's going to be an important role in the future. Your advice for the first part really helped.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Kent walked into his mess of an apartment ten minutes later to find about 4 different bills in the mail, His dog halfway dead(Forgot to feed him again), And his neighbor was waiting outside his front door. His name was Paul, and Paul severely ticked Kent off. Paul had neatly combed over brown hair, round rimmed glasses which held blue eyes underneath, thin lips, and had a good job. If this wasn’t enough for Kent to hate Paul also liked politics. All Paul talked about was politics. If it wasn’t the oncoming presidential election, it was Great Britans oncoming election or a revolt in China or…
“So Kent did you hear, Iran has just spent 2 trillion dollars on its nuclear weapons.”
Kent rolled his eyes
“Yeah that’s great Paul” Shut up and Go away Kent Thought.
“Yeah and they said the two main targets” Jack raised and waved a pen in the air here comes the dramatic Revelation of the Day
“Are Israel and the United States” Kent was becoming very annoyed
“That’s nice Paul, really nice.” Paul looked at Kent in confusion
“no its not Kent a nuclear bomb can cause Mass devastation, The bomb dropped in Hiroshima alone killed 7 million people, today’s nuclear bombs are one hundred times more destructive than they were in 1940, can you imagine the destruction of human life.” And he goes on and on and on and on and on….” No I can’t”
Paul nodded enthusiastically
“I can’t either, and you know what I think, I think instead of wasting our time in Iraq we should be doing something useful to our security and invading Iran.” And on and on and on and on, you know what Kent continued to think this is exactly why I need to get a life so I can move out of this apartment and avoid people like this.
“We Americans today we have no voice, we just let the president do whatever he wants and look at the mess we get into.” Anxious to stop the conversation Kent said
“Yeah -Useless war, 3 million dollar debt, completely agree, now I actually have something to do…so can I go.” Paul looked at Kent strangely
“Yeah sure Kent, if you ever want to talk just call me, I’m right next door.” If that ever happens the earths cracking in half And Kent went inside his apartment and took care, in other words, ignored his bills


Kent wasn’t always so pathetic, in the past, at the age of 21, he still had a low paying job, an apartment (technically a dorm), and an annoying neighbor. But he also had potential. Potential was the get out of Jail free card of life. He didn’t have the money to pay for college, but he had potential, Heck sometimes he didn’t have the GPA to stay in college, but he potential. And on several occasions he didn’t have the money to stay at college, points where his dreams were shattered, his hopes smashed, and he was on the couch, drunk off a quickly emptied 12 pack of Budweiser. But he had potential. So much of it that fortune magazine was stupid enough to pick as one of the 100 people most likely to succeed. So Fortune sent a reporter.
“Come in” Kent yelled out as the reporter boldly came in the room. The reporter was a brunette. A brunette with the prettiest Blue eyes in the World. A brunette with not only the prettiest blue eyes in the world but the cutest smile. A brunette which not only had the prettiest blue eyes in the world and the cutest smile but also had creamy white skin, a beautiful pair of breast, complimented by a white buttoned down shirt, a flat and perfectly shaped stomach, her hips had the perfect curve, covered by a Black skirt, she had the sexiest legs Kent had ever seen, And he couldn’t see her feet underneath her velvet black shoes but he was sure those were the feet of Goddess. To put it simply Kent was in love.
The Reporter, unfortunately for Kent was not.
“Hello Kent “God Dang, he liked her voice too. Kent meant to respond, he meant to say something to make Shakespeare Jealous. Instead all that came out was “hello”
The reporter gave Kent a smile, Kent Blushed.
“My name is Tracie Green “Kent was trying not to look at her face, but also trying not to let her notice how red his face was.
“It’s Kent…Kent Richards”
“In case you haven’t heard you have been picked by Fortune magazine to be one of the most successful business men in the future, if I could just ask you some questions.”
Kent was in heaven, well at least his eyes were. And his nose. Usually Kent hated perfume, but this perfumed smelled like roses on an early spring day. Kent used to hate Roses and spring … but not anymore.
“I’m already the most successful man in the world.”
“And why is that” Shoot she wasn’t supposed to hear that,
“ Well I’m in college, uh…getting an education, uh… getting a high paying Job doing what I like to do...Eating at fancy restaurants three nights a week!”
The reporter nodded, Kent took a very nervous and deep breath, that was close. The reporter wrote something down, glanced up towards a blushing Kent and said
“What is your version of the American dream” The reporter repositioned her legs Kent repositioned his eyes
“Well” He was about to respond when the reporter glanced up at Kent’s face painting it even redder.
“Well right now I’m taking classes in business, psychology, and accounting.” The reporter once again scribbled something down “and what are you going to get your degree in.” Escaping Kent’s lips was “In You”
. The reporter quickly realized all Kent was doing was undressing her with his eyes, got up and hastily left. A week later she maliciously reported that Kent was verbally sexually harassing her during the interview. Kent never got in that article; in fact he got kicked out of the college for Harassing Tracie Green. Kent never had potential again.


It was Tuesday. This Tuesday happened to be April Fools Day; it was also Promotion day, and unfortunately Tom Gold day. Kent, in the same Piece of crap suit and tie of last time, hesitantly went up to Tom Golds Desk (Its contents were arraigned in a portrait of New Orleans after the hurricane) in a perfect day Tom Gold would give a wide joyful smile. Give Kent a pat on the back (hopefully Tom would miss the mud stain) and say congratulations your promoted. Unfortunately Kent never had a perfect day And Tom never smiled, patted anybody on the back, or congratulated..
“Why the hell are you here!?” Kent gave him back the huge stack of papers (which he of course forgot to read.)
“Uh...Because you said that…I’m getting…” Tom Gold interrupted “Yeah, yeah I remember, you’re getting your good for nothing lazy ass promoted, Sign the contract and Get the Hell Away!!”
Kent rolled his eyes. “I can’t sign the contract if I don’t have the contract.” When Puffer fish get threatened they inflate their entire body making them look more threatening and dangerous. Tom Gold’s face seemed to do the exact same thing.
“Don’t Frickin tell me what to do!” and forcefully shoved the crumpled contract into kents face. Kent studied the contract.
“Uh there are three lines at the bottom of this, which one do I sign on.” Tom Gold was tempted to crush Kent’s skull
“any where you freaking like.” Kent grabbed a pen off Tom’s desk (tempting Tom to break his hand) and quickly wrote his name on the second line.
“Not that line! The First line, what in the hell do I do to deserve this.” Kent quickly signed “Now get the Hell Out.” Kent looked at Tom in confusion.
“The papers didn’t say what hours I work.”
“Figure That out For Yourself!!”
Kent quickly walked out the door. Turned down the hall, went down the dusty stone steps leading out to the outside world
And then it happened. Darkness. Kent was falling, falling in an endless, black hole, and he was desperate, sweating, confused. What’s happening? His heart beated faster, No matter how much he sucked in air he was out of breath. He was scared, his eyes closed.
When he opened them he was in a completely blue room with two red couches. He remembered this room. It was the first time he’s seen it in thirty years. This time sitting on a couch was a man. Not a hair out of place, not a wrinkle on his black shiny suit, nor on his blood red tie, His shoes were so polished they seemed to release light, He was a poster for perfection. , His dark red eyes seemed to look through Kents Body and into his soul, delving into Kents most shameful secrets. The man smiled wildly and said in a smooth voice. “Hello Kent My names Jack, I’m here to change your life.”

ScorpioJoe

Hey Fitz, you gotta slow down. It's great that you are enthusiastic about writing, but, right now, you are putting out quantity over quality. First of all, you shouldn't even be writing a part 2 until you correct the many mistakes with part 1. I did start reading part 2, though. I got through the first paragraph and I gotta tell you it's not very cohesive and a little confusing. Slow down and perfect your work. Take what you have right now (part 1 & 2), edit and revise them, then think about part 3. If you write too much at one time it is all going to get jumbled together, and you may end up losing the entire work.

__________________
Through the fire and flames we carry on!

~DragonForce

Freedom Is Not Free

Fitz, I like the enthusiasm but you have a problem with your writing that you need to get over before you continue to write more.

You write in characters that aren't needed and only add pointless reading to the story in which a reader is just going to skim over. I found myself basically skimming over the entire conversation between Kent and his neighbor Paul. The reader isn't going to care about the neighbor ranting on about his views of WMDs. Especially since it has very little to nothing to do with the story.

Also...you really don't need to go into such detail about his interview with the brunette reporter. Honestly, no one cares about an interview that went wrong and just up and ended. If it doesn't have to do with the main plot then you shouldn't be putting in. The whole second part could be summed up with one sentence. "He was once interviewed for being one of the 100 most poteintal bussiness men; an interview that ended quickly when the sultry brunette report noticed that Kent was more concerned about what she was wearing under her suit then the actual interview." There you go...all that extra writing gone with the same effect.

Honestly right now, there is very little about this story that is keeping me interested. Before writing more, go back and edit what you already have. Stories that are written quickly aren't exactly the best. You need to take time and go back and revise what you already have before pressing on. Right now all you've got is a bunch of random musings that are confusing to follow, and no offense, pointless.

Take a step back and work on what you already have before rushing forward to write more.

ADDED: I do think that you have a good concept here, but its coming out very jumbled. Honestly I think that you would benefit from sitting back and writing the story out in outline form first. This way you can post the outline form and people can tell you what they think and what parts seems useless before you waste your time even writing them. After that go back and work on one chapter at a time, editing it until its right before moving on. This way you can progressively move forward in the story instead of having to contionously move back.

__________________