Freedom Is Not Free

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Freedom Is Not Free

Tears welled up in my eyes as I fought desperately to keep them back. My fists tightened until my knuckles went white and my nails formed crescent indents in my palms. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. I knew at this point all I was doing was whining, But could anyone really blame me?

I had been happy with Tim and just last week I had been busy planning our upcoming wedding. Yes, planning actively. Our wedding had been set for a short four months from now and I had been over the moon about it all. I had my dress picked out, all the bridesmaids had been fitted for their own dresses, and the invitations had been ordered. One of the boxes that were floating around my apartment contained two boxes of 175 unopened invitations that were ready to go out. I had also begun prowling through jewelry stores to find the perfect wedding bands.

Then one night while we laid in bed together and I cuddled up against him, Tim rolled away and said the words that left me empty inside.

“I don’t want to get married.”

Now how does one respond to hearing that? My reaction was complete silence for a few moments before stuttering that it was still possible to push things back farther. The wedding was set for July and we could push it back until the following winter or even the following summer. The bridesmaid dresses could still be used, as could my dress, and all we would have to worry about is ordering new invitations and rescheduling the hall, photographer and DJ.

That wasn’t what he had meant though. Tim had meant that he didn’t want to get married at all. In fact, he didn’t even want to be with me anymore. At 11:30 at night, he decided it was the perfect time to break up with me after five long years together and developing what, at least what I thought, was an unbreakable love. He told come tomorrow morning he’d be packing up his big screen television and moving out. There was no telling me where he was going, or what would come of us, just that he was leaving. Despite my many attempts to get him to talk to me, Time ended up spending the night on the couch while I spent it crying myself to sleep in our king sized bed. When I woke up, he was gone and not even a note was left. It was just me and the dog.

I couldn’t afford the apartment we were living in on my own. Right now I was working as a freelance journalist and work was hard to come by. There were some months that I was constantly working, but others where I was going off the walls from boredom because there wasn’t enough jobs coming in. I couldn’t risk that I would have one of the bad months and not be able to pay my bills and then I would be stuck.

Maybe that was why Tim left me in the first place. Yes, I was back on the self destructive route but right now that seemed to be the only road in front of me. It would take time before I was ready to start dating again. This was not the type of thing that you just bounce back from. It was a downward spiral that was hard to get past.

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Freedom Is Not Free

Luckily Einstein chose this moment to try and leap into the open box after his rope toy and snap me back from daze. His short legs couldn’t make the vertical hop and he ended up landing hard on his rear and rolling backwards with a surprised yip. I had to laugh at the shocked eyes he turned on me. It was as if he was asking, what the hell was that?

I could understand how someone could leave me. I was a mousy New Englander and always would be, with a duding journalism career and dying dreams to be a novelist. What I could not fathom was how someone could leave a little ball of joy like Einstein, or as I lovingly called him, Ein Burger. Ein went out of his way to make you happy, nuzzling your hand when you were bored, jumping in your lap when you were sad. No matter what happened, he was always happy to have you come home to him. Even if you were in a bad mood and yelled at him, his nub still wagged and he still jumped around your feet. How could anyone want not want such a loving creature.

One of the thoughts that ran through my mind after Tim told me he was leaving was who was going to get Einstein. I was picturing a huge custody battle for him, since we both loved that dog dearly. Yet when morning revealed an empty apartment, I knew Ein would be staying with me. It was obvious that time wanted nothing from his life with us. He had even left most of his clothes behind. I knew this because I had spent hours sorting through them, sending some to Good Will and throwing the rest away. There was some I had kept even though it sounded horrendously desperate. Kate had warned me that I would never find another man if I went around wearing my ex-fiancé’s clothes and that I was better off just throwing them all out to spite him. I had to remind her that there would be no spiting because he was not coming back to find that his clothes had been sent to a landfill. Somehow I had even managed to convince myself that the only reason I had kept that sweatshirt and those t-shirts was because they were comfortable and not because I wanted to keep a piece of Tim with me. I knew Kate didn’t believe that anymore than I did, but she let it drop. Mainly, I think, because she wanted to save my pride but I was okay with that. The last thing I wanted to d right now was argue with, or get pity from, any one. Which was why I had been religiously avoiding my mother’s phone calls. I wasn’t quite ready to bash the male race over Whiskey Sours. Kate understood that I wanted to be treated normally which is why she was the only person I had really talked to on a regular basis since the break up.

Speaking of which, Kate should have been here by now with her husband to start helping me unpack the rest of my belongings. The moving van had to be back in a few hours or else I would stuck paying for another whole day. I discarded the box before resorting myself to more painful trips down memory lane turned my attention on Ein who had curled up to sleep in a corner of the room. A smile pulled at my lips as I watched him twitch in his sleep. At least I was able to get one good thing out of this whole messed up situation.

A knock on the door sent Ein to all four paws. He ran at the front door, howling and barking as though he were some lumbering ninety pound beast rather then a 25 pound ball of fur.

“Oh hush up.” He silenced his barks and turned his large brown eyes on me in question. “It’s only Kate. No need to go all fierce on her.”

He whined as though protesting my point of view, but remained silent after that. Instead he began to pace back and forth in front of the door, waiting for to open it and let the visitors in. Ein was a dog made to love and be loved. Nothing made him happier then to have people come over. The more scratches behind the ears he could a day, the better life was for him. What a refreshing philosophy.

“Its unlocked!” Me and Kate had a comfortable friendship, the type that made us more like sisters then anything else. They had actually been a few times where we had told people we were sisters in order to get some kind of benefit and people always believed us. No one questioned the fact that I lacked an accent because of my Connecticut upbringing, and that when Kate got emotional or drunk, her Boston accent came on thick. Doors were always unlocked when we knew the other was coming over, and neither of us hesitated before letting ourselves in.

I could hear the baby talk as Kate said her hellos to Ein moments before she came into the room where I was standing over the hardly touched box. She looked at me, and then the scattered DVD cases before raising a brow and placing a hand on her hip. I knew what that look meant. It meant that she thought I was doing something stupid. Which she thought I was.

“Don’t say it.” I warned her. “I don’t want to hear it. You’ve already told me a dozen times.”

“Good, then one more time won’t kill you.” She muttered. “You should have just thrown that worthless asshole’s shit away.”

I had to chuckle. Kate had always had some what of a mouth on her, blurting out language that would make a truck driver blush. She could be very intimidating with her many tattoos and swearing, but that was the one thing I loved about her. I often wished I could be like her, so carefree and self-confident. There was a certain level of pride that I had in myself, but nothing compared to her. I did care what people thought of me in some way. Maybe not to the extent of changing completely the person that I am, but I did change some things. I became a very apologetic person which tended to drive people crazy. Especially Tim. He had always been telling me to grow a backbone and stand up for myself. I wanted to, I really did, but when you make the person you love mad, the only real choice you feel you have is to say that you were sorry for whatever it was that you had done.

“Stop it.” Kate’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts and startled me slightly. I looked at her with a raised brow, confused to as what she was telling me to stop.

“Stop thinking about him, and stop thinking you aren’t good enough.” She scolded me. I forgot at times that she has this insane ability to read my mind. “It’s his own fucking loss and not yours. Now you can move on to better things because he apparently wasn’t it.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled, picking up the scattered DVDs and dropping them back into the open box. I’d get to that later. Right now I would help get the bigger things inside. At least this would be a pleasant distraction. “Where’s Dan? I thought he was coming to help.”

“He is. He’s outside with a friend seeing what you’ve got to bring into the house.” She sat on the floor with a smirk on her face and started scratching Ein behind his large ears.

I knew that smile and I knew that it never meant anything good for me. She was planning something that I didn’t want to happen. A frown creased my lips as I stood my ground. Maybe I should have paid the extra money to have the professionals move all my stuff in so that I could avoid what ever was about to go down.

“Kate,” My voice held a warning tone. “What are you planning?”

“Nothing!” She feigned innocence and hurt shock. “We’re just here to help, I swear.”

I scoffed. That was highly unlikely. There was never a time that Kate was innocent. She was always doing something to someone. Granted she had the best of intentions in mind when she did these things, but not everyone always realized this. Kate had lost many a friend by just trying to help them. People now or days didn’t appreciate a good natured gesture.

“I don’t buy it, but whatever.” I leveled her with a gaze to let her know that later on I would get to the bottom of her scheme.

“Hello!”

The male voice that boomed through my apartment belonged to Dan, Kate’s husband. I had known Dan just as long as I had known Kate, and they had been married the whole time. Because of this, Dan became just as good of a friend of mine as Kate was. It was hard at first because Kate tended to get jealous of mine and Dan’s friendship. Even though at that point in time, Tim and I had been happily together, she still tended to get nervous at the brother sister like relationship that I shared with Dan. Over time though, she realized that it was only a friendship and that the idea of ever “hooking up” disgusted both Dan and I. I confided in both of them about all my problems, and they had both been there for me when Tim left.

“In here.” Kate called out. In a shuffle of feet, Dan joined us and went right up to Kate, planting a large kiss on her lips. I had to turn away from this to keep my stomach from knotting up and to keep the tears from filling my eyes.

I was jealous of what the two of them had. Kate and Dan were the kind of couple that you saw making it to the very end. They were so comfortable in their own skin that they accepted each other for better or worse. Dan was fine with Kate’s swearing and sometimes too forward observations and comments. And at the same time Kate was okay with Dan’s habit of sitting back and letting others tell him what to do, He was comfortable with being the guy on the back burner, and Kate was always the girl pushing herself out front to catch everyone’s eyes. She was jealous, he was collected, and they just worked amazingly together. They gave me hope in love, even though reality showed me something different.

“Usually when people tell you to get a room, they don’t mean their own.” I joked, trying to lighten the sinking feeling in me. “So find another room.”

The two pulled apart and offered me a sheepish smile. I knew that they were feeling pity for me, and the thought of it sickened me. I hated when people felt they needed to be sorry for me. It meant they thought you were weak, fragile, that you could be broken if the wind started blowing in a different direction.

My thoughts were interrupted when Ein started barking loudly, alerting us to the presence of someone that he didn’t know. A tall man was standing in the doorway, smiling slightly at what I could only figure was the comment he heard me make. A pair of bright blue eyes sparkled with silent laughter. He reached up to run a hand through his sandy blonde hair before stepping into the room and offering me his hand.

“Hello.” He said in a very forward manner. “I’m Bryan. I’m an old buddy of Dan‘s. He told me you needed help moving in. Sorry to hear about the break up. Sounds like that guy was a real asshole.”

So that was it. Kate and Dan’s little scheme. Try to set poor heart broken Lizzy with a friend of theirs so she could right back into the game. Even though Bryan was incredibly handsome, with the chiseled features of a model, and most likely the body of a man in prime shape, I wasn’t interested. I mean, just last week I was engaged and planning a wedding that was four months away! So the idea of dating anyone right now was just not a thought.

More so, I was a little upset that my friends were talking to perfect strangers about my personal life. Enough that a person I had never met could apologize to me for what happened. I really didn’t want my shattered love life to be open news. Worse so when it becomes a greeting.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” My voice was low. I wanted everyone in the room to know that I was not happy with the current turn of events. It wasn’t that I had anything against Bryan. He didn’t know me so why should he respect my privacy and my wants. People liked gossip, especially when it was as messy as my story was. In the gossip world a person turning down another person was good; a couple breaking up was great; but, an engaged couple calling off a wedding and splitting up was certified gold. So slap me on the cover, my life was front page news!

“I’m really getting the feeling that I probably should have stayed outside by the truck.” Bryan shifted from one foot to the other, My tone was probably making him feel like he was the bad guy right now. Why should I care though? I owed him nothing. He already knew more about my situation then I had even let my own family know, and that was bothering me immensely.

“Don’t be stupid.” Kate stepped up before I could say something I would have regretted later. I knew her doing that was her way of telling me to just let things go. For now I would do just that, but this would be talked about later. “Bryan, Dan, let’s get this truck unloaded before it starts to get dark. We can talk later.”

The two men nodded and headed back out to the truck. Kate turned to me first, setting me with a brown stare that may have softened anyone else, but not me. I was so used to her stunts that I had become immune to her tactics to gain forgiveness. So I returned the soulful stare with one of daggers.

“This isn’t what you are thinking.” She told me, oddly enough sounding sincere when she said this. “I’ll explain it later, but trust me, I’m not trying to do anything.”

“Whatever.” I muttered, resolve now crumbling. Maybe I wasn’t as immune to her workings as I thought I was. “We can talk about it after the truck is unloaded.”

Kate nodded, and the two of us followed the guys outside so that we could stand on the sidelines and tell them how to get things done.

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Freedom Is Not Free

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A few hours later, we were all sitting on the couch and chairs that we had brought into what would be my living room when it was finished. Kate and Dan had choose to curl up together on the couch, while Bryan and I flanked either side in a leather chair. I still wasn’t sure about his presence and had gone out of my way to avoid him while we carried things into the apartment. He could tell, Kate and Dan could tell, and I didn’t care. Let them think that I was a huge bitch. At this moment, that was my right.

“Well, everything is inside.” Kate turned to me, setting me with a glare. She was pissed that I was being so cold towards their friend Bryan. As I pointed out though, I didn’t care. I ignored the look she gave me and continued to act as though Bryan wasn’t sitting in a chair across from, staring at me with an odd intensity. Okay, now I was slightly intrigued. Why was he looking at me as though I were the first woman he had ever seen?

“Yeah,” I shifted my weight and turned so that my side was facing the gazing man in the corner. “Thanks for all the help guys. This would have taken me a week on my own.”

“No problem.” Dan smiled, leaning forward and tapping some ashes from the lit cigarette into the paper cup they were using as an ash tray. I had to admit that I was a little surprised to see Dan smoking and not Kate. The two of them usually always lit up together.

“Yeah, it was our pleasure.” Bryan finally piped in the corner. He’d been silent most of the time, most likely intimidated by my ice queen attitude. So why stop a good thing? I continued to ignore him.

His comment left a tension hanging in the air that felt as though it was going to suffocate us all. Kate and Dan were waiting for me to acknowledge him, and Bryan was most likely wishing that he hadn’t said anything. I wasn’t about to bend to anyone so I waited patiently for the next person to speak.

“Any way,” Kate shifted on the couch in discomfort, desperately trying to think of something to come up with in order to cover the uncomfortable situation. “What do you plan on doing now Lizzy? You have your apartment and the dog, and Tim’s gone. What does a swinging bacholertte do from here?”

Part of me didn’t want to reveal anything in front of the stranger amongst the crowd. But I realized that he already knew what was going on, so there were no secrets. The thing that really scared me the most was that I had no idea what to do now. My life had been pretty much planned out last week, and now it was all thrown to the wind. I was going to be married in four short months, start working on getting out of freelance work and get into a real full time position on a big name newspaper or magazine, and then settle down to start having kids. Now I was alone, no wedding in the future, no offerings from any papers or magazines, and no chance for children. All that was left was me, an empty apartment, and Ein.

“I don’t know Kate.” I told her, finally easing up and sitting back in the over stuffed chair. Body language spoke volumes and it seemed that Bryan noticed my opening up and he leaned forward in his own chair. He must have been waiting for his moment to pounce. At this point I didn’t care anymore. Let him make a pass. Right now I could use the confidence boost of still having at least some guys wanting me. “I had this huge plan laid out for me and now its all gone. I went from being on top of the world to being the worst of all. Single.”

“Oh come on now.” Bryan spoke up again, scoffing from his chair and rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “Being single is far from being the worst thing out there. I would think being diagnosed with cancer would be worse then not being attached to someone. But maybe that’s just because I’m a somewhat happy bachelor.”

“Oh shut up Bryan.” Kate turned on him. There was humor in her voice and I knew she was trying really hard for my benefit to make Bryan out to be a great guy. “You know that its different for a woman. We get looked down upon for being single as we get older. We become spinsters. You men, you just become players, being so cool because you’re older and still having fun playing the field.”

I sat back and let the sound of Kate and Bryan argue the double standards against men and women being single at an older age. I really wasn’t in the mood to be listening to how in a short time people would be looking at me to be the next crazy cat lady. Ein had long ago jumped into my lap and curled up. He was knowing snoring softly, doing a great job of keeping my legs warm. I gently ran my fingers through the soft fur behind his ears and fought back the heartache that was threatening to swallow me up.

How was I going to start a new life? I had put so much into my life with Tim that I hadn’t planned for what might happen if he was suddenly gone. The small bank account that I had had on my own wasn’t going to be enough to last me very long without getting another article published. I should have planned that smarter and put more and more aside each time I sold an article in order to save myself. Almost every cent I made had gone, instead, into our joint account to help pay off the bills we had accumulated together over time. He had run off somewhere with what little was left in that account, leaving me with my tiny reserve to get back on my feet.

Part of me felt that I might get a better chance at getting a full time journalist job now though. I mean, I had no one left to hold me back to one spot. If they wanted me to move across country there was not going to be anything for me to consider before accepting or turning down the job. I could pack up me and Ein and go wherever the job was.

The question was, would I want to? What if Tim tried calling me in a few weeks and saying he made a terrible mistake and wanted me back? How could I do that if I was accepting a job in, who knows, Florida? I could never turn him down and leave.

I mentally kicked myself, adding in a few censored words. How could I turn him down? Easily. The same way that he did it to me. Just up and say it. I’m gone! I didn’t need him. I was a great person, and not to be self absorbed or anything, but I could go out into the world and do better. I could get myself another man and be happy and still achieve my life goals in the same fashion I had planned on doing before.

“I just don’t buy into double standards.” I came back into the conversation to hear Bryan still arguing his point. Now that I looked at him without the anger at Kate’s little scheme, I could see that he was a handsome man. His hair was a little on the long side, causing it to form small sandy blond curls that framed his face and showed off his chiseled features. His blue eyes seemed to sparkle when he was really into what he was saying, almost taking on a life of their own and speaking volumes louder then his voice. Why had I not noticed this about him before? Bryan was defiantly the type of guy that I could see being linked arms with while walking around the lake in Wakefield.

“You might not buy into them, but they are there.” Kate argued back, crossing her arms and settling and back against Dan’s side. “But whatever. You win. I’m tired of trying to prove that men have it easier in the stereotypes of the world.”

Bryan sat back with a smirk on his face at the victory. I didn’t blame him one bit. It wasn’t very often that someone won an argument over Kate, so when it did happen you had better bask in the glow because it was a warm glow, but often short lived. Next time Kate and Bryan had a disagreement, Kate would win or the argument would go on forever. Kate never lost an argument twice in a row to the same person. And the day she did, well, expect a meteor to destroy the world.

I liked seeing that look of satisfaction on his face though. I pictured that being the look he would have right after a good round of sex. The sheets would be draped like a teasing curtain over his hips as he rested back against the head rest. His lips would form a lazy grin, as his eye lids drooped over those crystals he had for eyes. And always he would whisper in your ear, “that was the best I’ve ever had.” A chill ran up my spine, disturbing Ein slightly as he jumped out of my lap.

“Whatever.” Kate muttered again. She watched as Ein jumped up and curled up against her leg on the couch. She proceeded to stroke behind his ears as well. “Dogs are better then men anyways.”

I knew this was about to spark another debate judging by the way both Dan and Bryan sat up straight. Their male pride was not about to let a creature that could still lick its own testicles take the slot above them in a lady’s world. But I was not about to let another debate disturb the image I had suddenly formed of Bryan. If I didn’t jump on it now, I would loose the nerve.

“Bryan, would you like to go out for drinks on Friday?” I blurted out before either male could start defending their gender.

Every head in the room turned to set shocked gazes on me. Even Ein turned his head towards me, large ears perking forward. Maybe I had been wrong and Kate hadn’t been scheming to get Bryan and I together. If she had, right now she would be hooting and hollering on the couch right now. Oh well. The ball was in my court right now and I planned on taking full advantage of that. I leaned forward and propped my arm up on my thigh, awaiting his answer.

“Well,” Bryan seemed taken aback by having a girl be so forward with him. “I don’t have any plans for that night, so sure, why not. Liz, I’d be happy to take you out on Friday.”

I smiled as another brief image of Bryan post sex flashed through my mind. I knew it might have seemed like I was jumping back into the dating world too soon, but I didn’t think so. I was old enough that I could make my own life choices. There was nothing wrong with a 27 year old woman wanting to have a little fling, a little fun. I settled back in the chair, a smiling spreading across my face.

“Great.” I chuckled. “Because I like men, even if dogs are better.”

I sat back and grinned as I allowed the debate to begin again. Ein came back over and resumed his spot in my lap as I returned to stroking his head. Nothing was going to stop me now. Tim may have left with a portion of my heart, but I was still going to find a way to get back on my feet. I was still worthy of love and the life that I wanted. And no matter what, I was going to get myself back. Looking at the other’s in my living room, I interjected myself back into the debate.

“I could list ten reasons why a dog’s better than a man.”

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Freedom Is Not Free

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