archer88iv

Yes, I have committed *the* mortal sin. Flames appreciated. Critiques preferred. Once you've read the piece, I'm sure you'll know exactly what I'm concerned about and will probably be more than ready to give a response. Let's just say it has to do with a cliche we've all been warned against.


“Fall”

1

“But you will be destroyed, my lady!”

Lambert’s shout carried through one muffled echo in the dim vale before fading away. Dalsira had never seen him so helpless, with his gauntleted hands wringing anxiously, almost as if to beg her to recant her decision. She smiled as she shook her head.

“Hush, child,” she whispered, pleased to see him hang his head at her reproach. “Nothing on earth or in heaven can destroy your Mistress. Now, light the bonfire and flee as you’ve been told or I shall be very displeased.”

A chill wind tugged at her skirt and sleeves, stirring her peasants’ attire as she stood against the gnarled oaken post. Hard iron shackles bound her by the wrist to the tall stake, leaving her no option but to remain for a while. Another chill swept through the vale and she was tempted to ignite the bonfire with a word and be done with it rather than wait for Lambert to set flame to the tinder with flint and striker.

But she would not. Her quarry might sense the magic, and even such a simple charm might make the beast too wary—and then she really would be destroyed. Soon enough the flames crackled, spurred by the oily fuel Lambert poured onto the fire. Dalsira flashed him a warm smile and said, “There’s a good lad. Now take the horses and get away from here! And let us hope the dragon is hungry tonight.”

---

The flames rippled into the sky, muddling the white face of the moon behind a shifting curtain of warmth. Dalsira rested her head against the stake, counting the few bright stars she could see while dazzled by the firelight and watching a planet as it worked through its slow circuit of the southern sky. She hummed a tuneless song, half-remembered words tumbling through her head as the evening wore on.

Dalsira smiled as the wind shifted, sending the sleeves of her plain linen blouse ruffling in the other direction. Surely, only one creature in the world had enough power to turn the wind to its whim! Already she could feel it prying at her mind, a wild, maddening, violent sort of curiosity.
Who are you? What are you? Why are you here? But Dalsira hummed her tuneless song, nodding her head with the rhythm. She would answer nothing tonight.

The prodding became stronger and the questions became commands:Speak, man! Who brought you here? Leave!

Her hands jerked involuntarily in her bonds and her heart urged her to flee as it began to strangle in the grip of a nameless, faceless, fear. But she had felt this before. She knew it would come. She had prepared. The shackles that held her in place were real and shut tight, and only Lambert could unlock them and set her free; she knew a spell to unlock them, perhaps, but even the song was ripped from her mind now by the sheer force of its presence and only a whimper could pass her lips now.

Just as she had planned.

The fear passed, leaving Dalsira gasping for breath, trembling, sweating as her stomach writhed and her knees shook. She steeled herself, swallowing hard and drawing herself up to full height against the stake as it drew near. Her quarry was all but within her grasp, her trap all but sprung!

Have I not seen you before?

Dalsira gasped, realizing now that her prey was far closer than she had imagined. She shut her eyes, casting about frantically with her inner sight. Where could it be? …and then she felt its hands upon hers. The trap was ready—now!

She smiled. “Yes, dragon. You have.”

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-J

Freedom Is Not Free

I think it sounds good, but I would like to make a few comments on the story, and none of them having to do with the "Mortal Sin" of being a cliche.

First, you use a very strong vocabulary. I was taught once by a prior writer that while its good to have an extended vocab, that when writing, less is more. Meaning that every once in a while using a strong word is good, but try not to use words that will have your reader needing a dictionary in order to understand what you are saying. You may think that using a "lesser" word will loose punch, but it doesn't. More readers will put down a book using larger, stronger vocab, than a book that doesn't.

For example:

"with his gauntleted hands wringing anxiously"

You could have easily said thin hands and gotten the same point across. I'm not saying that this sentence isn't strong or good as is, I'm just letting you know that the general reading population is probably going to be confused by this vocab and would rather read a simpler word.

There were others as well, and like I said, I'm not trying to tell you that its bad. But sometimes using larger, stronger vocab like this actually slows the story down a little bit as it could require a reader to go back and have to reread the sentence in order to make sure they got it right.

Also, there are a few points where you list words that mean the same thing to emphasis a point when one word would have done the job just as well.

For Example:

"a wild, maddening, violent sort of curiosity."

In this situation, you could used just one of these words to get the same point across. Adding these lists to the story just become repetitive and become monotonous. One shouldn't use a list to describe something. Just pick the one word that you think is the strongest and describes the action (or object) best and use that one.

Or in this case:

"strangle in the grip of a nameless, faceless, fear."

Another list that shouldn't be used. Rather then using to words to describe one thing, pick on word. In this situation could have just used "unknown fear" rather then listing. One thing that I was always taught is that in fiction, there is no place for a list.

Other then that, I think the story is well written. You do have a catch that makes you want to read on and figure out why this woman is allowing a person she knows lock her to a stake and set fire to her, and the fact that you mention her ability to use magic. You sprinkle enough of the little facts to keep us interested without giving away the whole plot which is a great way to keep a reader hooked. Great job on that.

Other then what I already commented on, I think the story is coming along well and that you should keep up the good work.

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archer88iv

Apparently, the passage is unclear as to just what is being burned. Here's a bit of an update. Perhaps this will help?

---

“But you will be destroyed, my lady!”

Lambert’s shout carried through one muffled echo in the dim vale before fading away. Dalsira had never seen him so helpless, with his gauntleted hands wringing anxiously, almost as if to beg her to reconsider. She smiled as she shook her head.

“Hush, child,” she whispered, pleased to see him hang his head at her reproach. “Nothing on earth or in heaven can destroy your Mistress. Now, light the bonfire and flee as you’ve been told or I shall be very displeased.”

A chill wind tugged at her skirt and sleeves, stirring her peasants’ attire as she stood against the gnarled oaken post. Hard iron shackles bound her by the wrist to the tall stake, leaving her no option but to remain for a while. Another chill swept through the vale and she was tempted to light fire with a word and be done with it rather than wait for Lambert to set flame to the tinder with flint and striker.

But she would not. Her quarry might sense the magic, and even such a simple charm might make the beast too wary—and then she really would be destroyed. Soon enough the flames crackled, spurred by the oily fuel Lambert poured onto the fire. At last, the flames’ dry warmth washed over her.

“There’s a good lad. You’ve built a fine fire: not too close and not too far away. It will do nicely.” She nodded her approval as the young squire blushed. “Now take the horses and get away from here! And let us hope the dragon is hungry tonight.”

__________________
-J

shraga

I actually enjoyed the writing and the story and find myself interested to read more

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
Israel
Please comment on my humorous short story Chompers Thanks!

archer88iv

Well, I guess if you say so. Seems like about half the time I get that response, though, it's intended sarcastically.

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-J