Celereon

Hey everyone, I was writing this as a break from my main story, and since I just registered, I thought I might post this to see what people think.
Any advice welcome, otherwise, enjoy...



He faced her warily. The repeated sounds of swords clashing and arrows whistling echoed around him. She stared back, circling, sword raised. She grinned, green eyes gleaming, tempting him to attack. Her armour was stained with the blood of his fellow knights. He raised the point of his sword, cautiously taking a step forward and testing her defence by stabbing at her chest. She dodged easily, her slender figure twisting lithely, and struck out with a similar blow.

He pretended to react slowly, fumbling and nearly dropping his sword. She laughed, using her left hand to brush a long strand of blond hair from her face. He checked his grip on his sword, using this time to run over what he knew of his enemy.

She was fast and well trained, favouring her right side. He waited a split second until her left hand blocked her left eye, and then he sprang forward, bounding off the ground and slashing at her feet. His momentum carried him forwards, but as he began to turn he felt her blade hit him in the back. He wondered how she’d recovered so quickly as, detachedly, he watched his heavy armour absorb the blow. As the blue sparks faded, he spun to face her. She stood relaxedly, sword to one side and eyes gleaming mischievously.

“Quite the athlete, aren’t we,” he remarked.

“No more than you are, Sir Eldon,” the girl replied.

Eldon opened his mouth to reply when the hiss of an incoming arrow sounded. In an instant, the girl had disappeared, and the arrow thudded into the ground where she had stood a moment ago. He looked around bewilderedly, and then glanced upwards, something most fighters fail to do. He jumped backwards as the girl landed gracefully in front of him.

He took the opportunity, sprinting forwards and slashing with his heavy blade. She countered easily, lightly parrying before spinning away again. Eldon continued his charge, using his momentum and his size to bring his sword slicing through the air at her head. She ducked under the blow and, running past him, sent a flying kick at him.

Eldon doubled over in pain, the force of the blow penetrating even his Edel armour. He felt her kick him again in the back of his knee and he stumbled and fell over as his armour suddenly got too heavy for him. She stood over him, hand outstretched. Eldon tried to get up but the weight of his armour held him down.

“I could crush you with your own chain mail,” the girl grinned.

“Let up,” Eldon groaned as his vision began to darken.

“Are you going to come quietly?”

“Yes, yes, just…let…me-“Eldon gasped as the pressure vanished. He stood up gingerly, pretending to be hurt.

“You alright?” the girl was cut off as Eldon twisted around, dagger flashing.

“And they told me you were going to be reasonable,” the girl complained, grabbing him by the wrist and twisting him around.

The dagger grew in weight, and as the girl crushed his wrist, Eldon dropped it. “Who are ‘they’?”

“You’ll see. No communicating now,” she grinned, holding his wrist behind his back as he looked up at the Sentry’s tower.

Eldon sighed. He looked over at where he’d dropped his sword, his tactician’s mind always scheming, but it wasn’t to be. The girl stepped over, still crushing Eldon’s wrist with one hand, and picked it up, sheathing it in a secondary scabbard. It fit perfectly, and Eldon realised that she, and in fact the armoured knights in the courtyard below, hadn’t come to rob the castle.

She’d come for him.

Thanks
Cel.

Centurion

Your colourful characters are fighting on a white background.

Theres no scene setting. Otherwise its quite good!

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Once we were Warriors

CaptainNapalm

The initial fight scene is way too in-depth. You've done a good job of clearly describing every single maneuver and, in the process, have bogged the whole thing down to the point where the action is not very active. Streamline it.

There is an over-abundance of adverbs. Many can be revised.

Also, most of the story is exposition. Telling us what "most fighters fail to do" doesn't really make him seem very special. If you show us that he's doing things better than most, it makes a bigger impact on the reader. As is, it sounds like you've played way too many RPG's and are showing off your favorite character (I've been playing D&D since the 80's, so I can sympathize )

When he's sizing up his opponent, you have it written as exposition. Don't tell the reader that she's well trained, show it in her actions.

There is also a loss of temporal distance. It is written in the past tense, but you say "where she had stood a moment ago" as though the narration of the story were in the present tense. Instead, say "she had stood a moment before" and it makes sense, from a temporal point of view.

First, you've used the word "momentum" several times. If this story is written from the POV of Eldon, who is (I am assuming) in a medieval fantasy setting, the concept of momentum does not make sense here. Say he used his "weight" or his "speed" or his "movement" instead.

Second, she sent a flying kick at him, then he doubles over in pain. She may have sent the kick at him, but you never said it landed. Or, perhaps more importantly, where he got hit.

"Suddenly" is a needless qualifier. Also, "his armor... got too heavy for him" sounds a little pedestrian for the story.

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Ted
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Mathematics are well and good but nature keeps dragging us around by the nose. ~Albert Einstein