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| Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc. |
03-23-2008, 03:54 AM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 11
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Echo of a Dolphin
Into the Ocean
Sydney, Australia's most inhabited metropolis, was plentiful in jobs and education. A vibrant environment, popular with tourists, it was a spirited center for urban life. Sydney was Australia's oldest and largest city, and was extremely multicultural, and Sydneysiders led serene, unstrained lives. Surely, Sydney was the perfect place to live, full of character and brilliance.
Narelle, a young girl at the age of thirteen with tanned skin, dark brown hair tied in a ponytail and brown eyes, was on her way to see her friend. She darted toward his house, panting profusely. When she reached her destination, she stepped up to the porch and tried to catch her breath. She knocked on the door and waited for an answer. After several seconds, she heard the sound of footsteps from inside the house, drawing closer to the door.
"Who's there?" the voice of a boy called from within the house.
"It's Narelle, Zack!" she answered, still panting.
The door opened, revealing a young boy of the same age as Narelle. He was several inches shorter than she was, with a shock of pitch black hair and rare violet eyes. He held an orange plastic coffee stirrer in his lips, something he considered to be his signature trait. He stepped out of the house to greet her.
"So, you're ready to go?" she asked.
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Right then, let's go."
They set out, entering the active streets of Sydney. The environment was scenic and breathtaking, with lime green trees and a myriad of shining buildings. Zack shuffled his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets, keeping his eyes half-lidded and fixed on the cement ground. Narelle shot him a perplexed look, wondering what he was thinking about. Taking his right hand out of his pocket, he toyed with his stirrer and let out a sigh.
"Hey... are you OK?" she asked.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine..."
She didn't fully believe his answer, but resolved to leave it at that. They kept walking, and several minutes of awkward silence passed. Zack rubbed his eyes and groaned. Narelle desperately desired to talk to him, but was reluctant to do so, fearing that she might sadden him further. They were both caught by surprise when a prankish voice called their names.
"Narelle! Zachary! How's it going?" a boy with black hair and piercing, lime green eyes chimed, strutting up to them with a playful leer resting upon his face.
"What's up, Kethry?" Narelle answered.
"Yeah... what's up?" Zack sarcastically said, scowling at him.
"Nothing much... I'd just been taking a walk and I saw you two. Are you out on one of your dates?" Kethry teased.
"We're going out with each other, Kethry. You know me and Narelle always spend time together. That's our thing."
"Of course, of course... it's nothing to get all mad over. I was just joking," Kethry snickered.
"Yeah, you do a lot of that," Narelle said.
"So I do... well then, I guess I should get going. Catch you two lovebirds later."
"Ah, screw you, Kethry!" Zack barked.
"Heh... temper, temper. Bye, now!"
Smirking, Kethry turned around and left. Zack seethed in fury, frustrated at the other boy's freshness. Narelle giggled at his irritation, but understood perfectly just why he was irritated. Kethry had always possessed an airheaded personality that easily caused people resent him. Narelle playfully petted Zack's head, snuffing out his fiery snappishness.
"C'mon, let's go," she said, taking hold of his hand and dragging him along their path.
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07-08-2008, 12:06 AM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: Jul 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 33
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Good first chapter yet nothing stood out and grabbed me.
I could read through it there wasn't anything confusing. The title of the chapter didn't seem to relate.
The door opened, revealing a young boy of the same age as Narelle.
.----------
I am bad with grammer but 'as Narelle' seems like too much info. Maybe reword the sentence.
I think maybe there are some tense errors also.
Would like to read more.
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07-08-2008, 04:09 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 493
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Agreeded. Good, but nothing stands out. And Zack seemed to get awfully frustrated at something that didn't call for it - though I shall put this down to character.
"Catch you two lovebirds later" just does not sounds like somethin that would make me scream at the other person and then seethe (especially if i actually WAS going out with said person). Perhaps be more subtle with characters dialogue?
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