Cyberpunk Tale - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Fictious · 03-21-2008, 07:47 PM

Note - I am only 13 years old, and I stumbled upon this sight while looking for writing forums. Yes, you may laugh... Anywho, this is my first attempt to write a novel length story set in cyber punk setting with a first person perspective. I have horrible grammar, to warn you. I also did the rough draft in Wordpad, so their is some msitake with alignment and what not... Enjoy!

- Prologue -
Old Friends

I never knew what an escaped convict felt like until now.

As I stood in the under level layer of Old Phoenix, I could only ponder upon the events that had happened to me. First murder, then theft, then prison, and now on the run. It had been one hell of a week. But that's just the beginning.

Calvin and I stood at the doorstep of Billy's house. On the streets, cars sped passed us, and above us were the multi layers of the city. The lower level was the most dangerous, mostly because all of the convicts living down their. But in truth, I wasn't a convict, just a victim of my own selfishness.

I had wished Calvin would have stopped pounding upon the door, because it was obvious the Billy wasn't home. If he kept up the noise, the Black Coats would find us. I didn't feel like running anymore.

"Dammit, Calvin," I said to him, grabbing his shoulder. "No one's their."

That's when Billy's face appeared in the little slit in the door. I could see his blue eyes surveying both of us, those beautiful eyes... and then he turned and yelled as if we had killed his brother.

"Seems like he remembers us," muttered Calvin as he kicked the door. It rattled, but didn't move. Billy came back with a small gun in his hand. He slid the barrel half way through the slit in the door. I heard his voice crack as he spoke.

"Get away from me, you murdering freaks! I'm only here to collect Jarv's stuff, yeah hear?"

I smiled lightly. That was what we were here to do. Jarv wouldn't be around for any longer, so we thought we'd go pick up some of his belongings. Calvin took the barrel of the gun and shoved it back inside. We both knew that Billy hadn't had the guts to kill anyone.

"Let us in, or we'll do the same to you as we did yeah brother," said Calvin as he pulled his own gun from it's holster. A borrowed gun from some sleeping Black Coats...

"Go away before I call the Black Coats on yeah," yelled Billy, backing away from the slit. Calvin and I smiled. he was afraid of us, therefore we had power over him. Calvin took advantage of this.

"Open the door or I'll blow yeah brains out, yeah girl," said Calvin in a hushed yelled. Billy nodded. He wasn't going to give in so easily.

"Yeah will blow me own brains out if I do let yeah in," argued Billy. That kid was smart. That's why Don had assigned us to kill Jarv. Don Kyper. Manager of the local gang, though he prefers to be called 'Da Boss.'

Billy nodded more and backed away. Calvin slid the barrel of his gun into the slit. Billy ran for it, as he disappeared down a staircase. Calvin cursed loudly as we withdrew the barrel of his gun. He holstered it and turned to face me.

"Why da dead man's brother so scared?"

I couldn't answer him, because I was to busy starring away. I saw something in the distance that made my stomach leap. A search party of Black Coats.

Forgotten Abyss · 03-21-2008, 08:39 PM

W00T! Cyber Punk! Something interesting you got here.

Story-wise it was very interesting, and it held my attention the whole time. Looking forward to see you expanding it.

I will reread later when I am not doing school work, and read through for grammer and spelling errors.

Keep on writing.

(P.S Mass Effect = Awesome.)

omginternetlord · 03-21-2008, 09:13 PM

Only 13 yet it's formatted better than most stuff on this forum. Your grammar is real good too. It all reads pretty nicely. Keep it up.

A-L · 03-21-2008, 09:39 PM

I like this so far. I am curious about this city you described and I would definitely like to read more about it.

Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy) Please read and comment, anything would be appreciated.

Faith9 · 03-21-2008, 10:56 PM

Nice. I like the name "Black Coats" Howd you think of it?

Fictious · 03-21-2008, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Faith9

Nice. I like the name "Black Coats" Howd you think of it?

Their's already Brown Coats & Long Coats, so Black sounded cool. It was that or the Green Police, but that didn't sound so dark...

vikingligrveldi · 03-22-2008, 01:27 AM

Awesome story so far man. The beginning is very catchy and keeps going.
One small grammatical note is that you say "No ones their" when it should be "there". Also "to" toward the end should be "too".

lin · 03-22-2008, 01:53 AM

This isn't a huge thing, but it's in the opening sentence so I think it's worth addressing.

Quote:

I never knew what an escaped convict felt like until now.

So what time is it? Past tense, but then "now". It's a bit of a speedbump.
You can work around it by using "that moment" instead of "now", etc.
But then also there's the "felt like" instead of "feels like" or "what it would feel like to be an escaped con"

Let me suggest
"I never knew what an escaped convict felt like until I found myself the under level layer of Old Phoenix...on the run." It's actually more dramatic that way, or something like that.

BTW you go to past tense for "had been a week", then pop up to "that's just the beginning". This is careless tense-jumping and I'd work it out. Especiallin in first paragraoh like that.

How about something like "Phoenix, Falling" for a title. And think about "Brown Coats" which is so Third Reich. Surely a good cyberpunk would have something hipper to call the heat. Moderators? BrownEyes? Flacs?

Fictious · 03-22-2008, 09:42 AM

( continuation of where I left off... )

I don't remember what happened, but apparently Calvin had kicked down the door and dragged me inside. I would've rather negotiated with the men, but that didn't seem like an option anymore. Billy was sitting in the kitchen watching holoNET, but when he saw us, he ran off down stairs.

Calvin withdrew his gun and shot the hologram, shattering it to pieces. He whooped and by then I knew his adrenaline was flowing. That's why I chose him, because he's the best shot you'll every see. I was busy running after Billy while Calvin opened fire on the Black Coats.

I heard his yells while I descended down the stair case. He was one messed up man.

"Billy," I yelled as I saw him cowering in a corner. He yelled and looked for something to melee me with. I drew my gun and pointed it at him before he could find anything to clobber me with. He stopped, frozen like ice. I saw the fear in his eyes.

"Billy, where are the swoopers?"

He didn't answer, obviously, and he wouldn't tell me anyway. I searched around the room for something that looked valuable. I found a small golden statue of an office building. I didn't know what it was, but it looked cool so I snatched it and held it as a hostage.

"Tell me where it is before I smash this here thing ta nothing," I yelled. I wasn't a bad negotiator. Upstairs Calvin unleashed barrages of bullets upon the Black Coats. They were probably getting closer.

"Dammit Billy," I screamed. "If we don't get out of here, they kill yeah too!"
Billy saw my logic. He was a smart man. He then gave in.

"Over here," he beckoned as he went up stairs. We both went slowly, because Calvin was dancing in the common room dodging the Black Coats bullets. Billy lead me into a hall that was away from the common room.

Calvin's shouts became some what distant as Billy lead me to the garage.
He opened the door, and their in the cleanest garage I've ever seen, were two swoopers. They were also polished. Jarv used to like his bikes clean. I yelled for Calvin, which he eventually pulled back into the hallway. I could see the Black Coats trying to get in through the doorway. They were close. We entered the garage, Calvin guns ablaze, and walked up to the swoopers.

We didn't have much time to marvel at them, but we did anyway. It was when we heard the muffled shouts of the Black Coats we mounted the bikes. Billy and I mounted, while Calvin sat behind Billy.
He was going to be the gunner.

A Black Coat burst through the door, and Billy quickly tried to open the garage door. The Black Coat instantly fired at me, but his bullet narrowly missed. Instead it struck the swooper, and before the man could fire again, Billy and I sped out of the garage and onto the open road.
----------------------------------------- >
First Chapter, 'Open Road', will be up soon. I am a slow poster, since I have school and what not.

Fictious · 03-22-2008, 02:28 PM

- Chapter One -

Open Road

( Part One of Two )

"We've got some birdies on our tails."

Billy's voice crackled through the com system built inside the swooper. It was true. Behind us roared three Black Coat swoopers, and even though ours were good, theirs were better.

We were on the middle layer of Old Phoenix. Like most cities, Old Phoenix had layers upon layers of city levels. The road system was a mess, so Billy and I had to stay close. Otherwise, we'd get separated. That would be bad.

Our swoopers were cruising down a road, maneuvering past cars and trying to escape the Black Coat's clutches. it was hard though, because the roads were packed with cars.

Billy, being behind me, had Calvin with him. He was unloading rounds upon the birdies behind us, but at the speed Billy was going, he couldn't get a clear shot. Even for a good shot like him, firing on the road was nearly impossible.

I was cruising parallel to a massive truck. My only hope was to get away from it. If things got messy, it would be one mess.

"Something’s wrong," said Billy, his voice again crackling through the com system. If Billy thought something was wrong, that was bad.

"GOD is offline."

Damn. Just what I need. Global Online Database was the biggest database out their, save a few military ones. Plan was for Billy to access them so we had a map of the roads. It would be easier to escape that way.

"Ready for an impromptu escape," asked Billy rhetorically. This was going to be harder then I thought. It was when Billy caught up with me that the birdies behind us finally started to fire.

Bullets flew everywhere. Cars all around us stopped, except for the truck right next to me. It started to look suspicious. Ignoring it, I sped up, and so did Billy. The Birdies accelerated also, and they were getting dangerously close.

Up until now I always thought of Billy as a little girl. A smart one. But when Billy drove off of the road, and landed safely on the one under use, I could only take a moment to watch him. The birdies behind me stopped firing to, for only a second, to marvel at that stunt. Then I copied him.

My swooper soared off of the road, the wind blowing against my face. It felt good, that I will not argue. But as soon as my bike began to go down, I gripped the handles and prepared for landing. Roughly, my swooper landed on the road. I then accelerated, catching up on Billy.

The birdies on the road above us did the same as we did, only they landed professionally. They would be hard to lose. Speeding past cars, a moved through the maze that was the road. People's shouts filled my ears. We were drawing attention. Again, that was bad.