10 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Then Men: Part of the story - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Freedom Is Not Free · 03-20-2008, 04:05 PM

-This is just the first part in a novel that I am writing. But I'm seeming to not like it. I feel like its dragging and not a strong enough beginning. I'm very self conscious about my beginnings. Any advice, comments and critique is greatly appreciated.

He was running back and forth in the empty apartment, stubby legs pumping twice as hard to carry his watermelon of a body from room to room. A smile was spread across his pointed muzzle as his pink tongue lolled out of the corner of his black lips. Longer nails clicked on the hardwood floor as he huffed softly in his joy.
I smiled as I watched Einstein dart about in all his glory. Even though our new apartment was empty, void of any furniture or fixings, the little Pembroke Welsh Corgi was enjoying himself to the fullest. It was as though the event of the past few weeks had no effect on him. His little heart was not broken, nor was his faith shattered in all things good. To him it was just dog kibbles and rolling in things that would make any human shudder.
The empty apartment seemed to glare back at me as I wandered from room to room, trying to figure out where I was going to put what. Normally, starting over is hard for anyone. Add a broken heart to the mix and welcome to hell! I never wanted to be in this situation, my plan was to be married and starting a family by the time I was 27. I wanted to be working hard at my journalism career from a home office while I watched the children and my husband was at his own job. The All American Dream, as they call it, was my dream too.
In four short months, I would be well on my way to achieving that by walking down the aisle with the man of my dreams. That is, I would have been had the man of my dreams not changed his mind.
For the past five years I had been with a wonderful man. Looking back on it now was painful, but at the same time I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting. When one is alone, this tends to happen. I moved into what would become my new bedroom as Einstein pushed past my legs to start running laps around the perimeter of the room. This was where the king bed would go. The bed he had left to me. Like I wanted to spend my nights in a bed I had shared with him for the past five years. As if I wanted to fall asleep every night with the memories of him and his soft touch running through my head, making me cry and tingle all over at the same time. Such a sweet thing for him to do after showing me the door.
The him that I keep referring to is my ex-fiancé, Tim Holden. He was the love of my life, my college sweetheart. The only man that I had ever truly given my heart to. We meet the first week of our freshman year and two weeks after that our lives together started. He was a beautiful man from the west coast of California and I was a mousy New Englander born and breed. It always amazed me that out of all the other girls at our small Vermont college, he had found me to be the attractive one. I was the one worthy of dating.
A huff from Einstein brought me back into the real world and I turned to watch him run to some of the boxes that were already stacked in the living room. It was only a few of the boxes that I brought with me from our place. There was an entire moving van in the driveway, but that wasn’t going to be unloaded until my friend Debbie and her husband Ted showed up to help me unload it. There was just too much in there for me to do on my own.
I reached up to run my fingers down the edge of one of the boxes. Opening them would be a great way to take my mind off of things. Had to keep myself busy if I wanted to keep the memories at bay. Idle minds have dangerous thoughts. Heaving a box from the top of one of the stacks, I dropped it to the floor and sat beside it. With an excited bark, Einstein ran over and flopped down against my side, laying his head on top of his paws.
“Let’s get this started.” My voice seemed to bounce off the walls, being the first time I had used it since saying goodbye earlier. Even Einstein jumped slightly before settling back down again.

Faith9 · 03-21-2008, 02:34 AM

At first, I thought she was a man. But I figured it out. I liked it!

Forgotten Abyss · 03-21-2008, 03:15 AM

Interesting begining, it does of a feel of being a bit draggy with alot of information dump. But at the same time I feel like this beginning you posted would be the only real way of kicking off this story.

Maybe post another chapter so I can get a feel for the story, and see if this beginning is actually good for it or not.

But for now, it has my stamp of approval (Which is worth Five USD in Africa I might add!).

Jocelyn · 03-21-2008, 09:03 AM

First of all, I love the title. Very eye-catching and fun. Will this be along the lines of a chick lit novel? That's definitely my cup of tea, so I would be interested to see where you go with this.

I think what you have so far is quite good. I agree with the comment that there is a good bit of info-dumping, but it's not over the top either. If anything, I would shave a few background comments and then sprinkle them in later. Maybe keep the reader in the dark just a little bit longer about why she's starting her life over again. Perhaps a neighbor can stop by to welcome her and there is a little more revealed in that conversation. Just a suggestion, but I like what you have so far either way.

Freedom Is Not Free · 03-21-2008, 08:04 PM

Wow. Thank you all for such positive feedback. I really wasn't expecting that.

Faith: Is the gender really that confusing? I thought the mention of a husband in the third paragraph cleared things up a little. But please, if you think there's anything that can be done to make that a little easier to get, run the ideas by me.

Forgotten: I'm working on getting more done so that I can post. Like I said, I'm very self conscious about my story starts and I never seem to think they're good enough. Once I get over that I'm normally good to go. But thank you for your stamp. At 5 USD in Africa, I feel honored!

Jocelyn: Thank you. The title is kind self explanatory. The main character winds up alone, starting over with just herself and her dog. The book comes in 12 Parts. A Beginning, 10 reasons why a dog is better than a man, and a ending.

Each one of the ten reasons is yet another failed relationship. Its going to be a chick lit/romantic comedy of one bad relationship after another leading her to the man she's supposed to be with. Believe it or not, its kind of a true story, and the dog in the novel is my real dog (down to breed, name, and mannerisms).