TJ Cruse

Here is part two of the first chapter. All feedback and criticism is appreciated.

TJ




Kellie raised a hand to stop him. “First of all, how is it even possible for you to access the MindWay without wearing a link?”

Santos nodded quickly. “It's one of the things I was working on with some, well, some colleagues before I was captured. Neural mapping has progressed to the point now that with the right equipment, thought pulses can be detected at distances far greater than the link device you’re wearing.”

Kellie suppressed a gasp and shook her head. “What do you mean, far greater?”

“One of my colleagues is sitting in a van in the parking lot of the prison right now with a directional device aimed at the back of my skull. Probably between two and three hundred meters.”

Kellie closed her eyes and rubbed the lids. “Unbelievable. I mean, truly amazing. Does the military even have this yet?”

Santos grinned, showing an even row of white caps. “Of course. They pioneered at least this aspect of mind hacking. Snoop on the bad guys you know?”

Kellie shook her head. “But, what about the magnetic shielding? How did you get through?”

“Easy. The shielding is designed to keep thoughlinks from transmitting out on common frequencies. This technique is much more like the link between your brain the thoughtlink device itself. And, it uses quantum tunneling. Standard electromagnetic shielding devices are not effective.

Kellie nodded. “I’ll take your word for it. So, you set this up? That’s why you agreed to the interview. You set me up for this?”

Santos shrugged. “You wanted to interview me. Right?”

She leaned in across the white table cloth, savoring the aroma of the roasted bean. “Why me?”

“That would take too long to answer. But the short version is this. You know Global better than anyone in the media. You broke the Liam Solomon conspiracy and covered it for years.”

Kellie frowned and tossed her blond hair back with a dismissive gesture. “But, what could you possibly have to do with something that happened forty years ago? Liam Solomon has been dead for...”

Santos shook his head. “Kellie, we don’t have time for all that now. Suffice it to say that it is important that you know the history. Over the years, the decades, you’ve been the watchdog of that corrupt cesspool of greed that calls itself a corporation. There is more at stake here than just me and Global conspiring to sway consumers on their spending habits by altering their thought patterns.”

“Well, that’s what landed you in here...well back there in Eglin.”

“No Kellie, the whole thing was a setup by Global to get me out of the picture. A diversion to hide what they’re really trying to do.”

Kellie regarded his pursed lips and blinking eyes. She remembered that when you were face to face with an avatar in the Mindway, judging the sincerity of the real person behind the avatar was a gamble, especially when that person also happened to be the world’s most infamous hacker. Santos had access to thought manipulation and mood altering software that made the most elite MindWay hackers envious. Still, she had a gut feeling that he was on the level. Maybe not completely on the level, but close enough. Forty years of journalism taught her many lessons. One of the lessons she learned early on was to trust her instincts.

“And, I’m assuming you are going to enlighten me with the details of this massive conspiracy? In return for... what?”

Santos paused several moments and Kellie saw his throat move as he swallowed hard. Finally, he spoke.

“You’ve got to get me out of here.”

Faith9

Nice ending. But kinda short...

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RainyDayNinja

I'm anxiously awaiting the dramatic prison break scene. Don't let me down!

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TJ Cruse

Thanks for reading it! I've got the start of Chapter 2 in the works. Will post soon.

Thanks again!

Just Jim

TJ, the excellent quality continues.

Here's an example of what I mentioned in the first section.
It's a little too much like writing. Very good writing, but not conversation. It's just in a few places. I understand you want to say all of that, and I can't quite come up with an alternative, but I'm sure you can.

I'll be looking for chapter two.

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Maetrix66

Well written!

I am writing a story that takes place in a alternate future, occuring slightly before yours in the evolution of communications and neural interface technology.

I am finding the hardest aspect of writing futuristic fiction is explaining the "not quite here yet" technology in a way that resists sounding like the characters are reading from a tech manual.

You have handled it well here, and the story is pulling me in as well.

TJ Cruse

Just Jim, thanks for pointing that out about the dialog. I agree, the dialog needs some work. I'll add that to my revision list for chapter one.

Thanks again.

Maetrix66, I agree about explaining technology. As technologist we are so often told to speak plainly or 'don't get too technical', etc. I think that forces a habit that carries over into writing which at least in the case of sci-fi, we can probably count on our readers to pick up on the concepts easily. I actually had some feedback suggesting this on the first part of chapter one.

Thanks for reading.

aliice

Hey. I've never actually given feedback to anyone but classmates, so perhaps the stuff I point out will be irrelevant, obvious or not interesting, but I figured I'd just go with saying what I think.

This story is really cool, I don't normally read futuristic fiction, but this idea appeals to me.
I really like Draco, although I'm not sure I would call him just that, because all I see is Harry Potters bitter enemy . Of course it's your choice.
However I must say that I don't think anyone would ever talk quite like that - even in the future. It's just a little too scripted and it doesn't quite flow. But except for his dialogue he is starting out as a character with a lot of potential.

I like Kellie too, the way she changes before the camera - although I wonder if she's not a little too stereotyped as a reported and businesswoman (Except the fact the she is in fact 70 years old which is really cool) she doesn't seem any wiser than a 30 year old woman, I think that if a person is seventy, they act and think differently than Kellie. Then again what do I know, I just turned 18.

I must say I really envy the way this is written though. You don't have that amateur-ish sound on your writing that most people have. It's flowing, it's good and descriptive without getting ridiculous or boring.

I'll be reading the next part and I hope that any of this was even remotely useful.