Jaguar

*snip*

RainyDayNinja

__________________
Writing a book is an adventure: it begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master and finally a tyrant.
~Winston Churchill

A-L

Though it is interesting I must agree with Rainyday. The dialogue didn't strike me as 'writery' but your descriptions took a little effort to swallow, not that its bad or anything but you should be more careful with your choice of words, else you might lose the reader.

omginternetlord

This is exactly what I was thinking when reading it.

Cut down on adverbs and adjectives.

mockspiral

I think if you're going for strong language, don't use ellipses. They have their place sometimes, but you've used them where other punctuation would make more emphasis on the dialogue. "That was a requiem I will never forget…” would have a much better edge with a period.

Jaguar

Alaric is actually not a warrior, Cere is the warrior. I thought of his personality as proper, that why it sounds poetry-like.

The writing I used is my style. I like to use imagery and define it precisely, my word choices might be a bit extreme for the casual reader, but maybe you are right, it would be more appealing if people could understand it without having a dictionary alongside.

Thanks for the help everyone.

(actually, this has been updated quite a bit...I'll post the update when I get the chance )

Jaguar

UPDATE! I did a nice bit of work. For those of you who read before, and anyone else, check it out and see if I improved.