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Faith9 · 03-19-2008, 01:29 AM

This is my new idea for a story. A change from the killing stuff! Its about a 19 yr old who runs away from home to pursue his dream of becoming a guitarist. You`ll laugh, you`ll cry! I`ll have my prolouge done sometime tonight. And a sidenote. This might be typed in through my PSP internet because im grounded. So it`ll be broken into segments.

Faith9 · 03-19-2008, 01:56 AM

¤Prolouge Setting-Jan,3 1992¤
Jim ran up to the club yelling "WAIT, Wait for me!" Once he got to the club entrance a body gaurd stood there, probably stood at 7'1. "What you want" he boomed. "Uh-uh--Im here to--to preform." he choked out. "Kid, Your not damn not ready to preform here" he said. Then he pushed back Jim into the dirt. He landed hard too. Jim choked back a tear, but what was he gonna do. He was a poor 19 yr old chasing a stupid dream. He got up, then ran. Ran far as he could. Comments please.

Necromortis · 03-19-2008, 02:18 AM

Here, I formatted it since you're grounded:

Quote:

Jim ran up to the club yelling, "WAIT, wait for me!" I personally hate capitalized dialogue like that. The repetition serves to stress it enough, why bother putting it in caps?

Once he got to the club entrance, a body gaurd stood there. The man probably stood at around 7'1". Telling, and in this instance I guess it's okay, but why don't you have Jim run into the bodyguard, and have him come up to his chest or something? That'd illustrate how huge the guy is with some action. "What you want?" he boomed. Perhaps add an 'at Jim' or something like - currently it seems unfinished.

"Uh-uh--I'm here to--to preform," he choked out.

"Kid, you're damn not ready to preform here," he said. Antecedent problem here. Who's 'he' in this instance? Currently you're still referring to Jim. Then he pushed back Jim into the dirt. You're telling here, show us this instead. He landed hard too. Horrible sentence, sorry. Fix it. Jim choked back a tear, but what was he gonna do? Gonna? Really now? He was a poor nineteen year old chasing a stupid dream. He got up, then ran. Awkward sentence. 'He pushed himself off the ground and took of running' perhaps? Ran far as he could. Sentence fragment.

I only added paragraphs where syntax demanded them (new lines for new speakers, etc.). I put all grammar corrections in red, and I've put my comments about specific lines in green.

In all honesty, you need to do a lot of work, based on just this really short excerpt. Also, you've cast Jim as an incredibly weak person. May be so, and 7'1" bouncers can be intimidating as fuck, but musicians, especially rock stars, are famous for being arrogant and egotistical (and I'm a musician, so I'm allowed to say that

). How does that play in to the story?

Cheers,
~Christian

Faith9 · 03-19-2008, 02:34 PM

Thank you! Hes suppose to be weak. Although I could make him a tad tougher.

Freedom Is Not Free · 03-20-2008, 04:20 PM

I agree with Necro. If your character (Jim) has the strength to run away from home and pursue a hard dream such as this, he almost seems just to weak. Like the kind of kid you expect to run back home at the end of the street. I think he needs a little more strength to him in order to be a more believable and likable character. If you want to attract the kind of people that would want to read a "rock star rising" story, you are going to turn them off with a character that will cry and run away when one bouncer gets rough.

I would also step back and slow down. You are rushing through the story like its some kind of race. Step back and describe things rather then just dictating them. Any one could tell someone what a person did, or what happened to them. For truly good writing you need to describe things. Help a person feel the same thing as the main character, you need to be able to fall into their shoes.

But mainly, remember you descriptions. As Necro pointed out, instead of telling us the bouncer is 7'1", describe his height. Instead of telling us that Jim was pushed to the ground, describe the action.

Also, it seems that there is a lot going on in Jim's head that is being kept hidden. He's obviously nervous, stressed, and almost depressed if the bouncer brought him to tears. Get into your character's head and get it down on paper so that your readers can feel what he's feeling. We know that you know what Jim is going through and what he is feeling, now describe it to the rest of us.

Keep up the good work though!

Faith9 · 03-21-2008, 02:30 AM

You just help ed me alot Thanks I`II re write the pro louge.