hypercool4life

The Ritz, as its name implied was an elegant, posh restaurant that boasted the best chefs in Sector 7 and consequently the whole of Paradiso. The variety of dishes available on the menu, the care with which they were prepared, baring in mind the venue of the restaurant in the first place made the Ritz out of reach to even the upper middle class.

Shane was looking round at the other patrons, sipping his third glass of wine that evening. There were the usual suspects, a smattering of men with their wives (a few trophy wives), some young couples whose parents no doubt were high up in The Federation’s hierarchy, celebrities, women gossiping and making their husbands’ wallets the lighter for it and those who liked a good meal while they talked business.

There were other sole diners too, so Shane didn’t standout too much. Not that he cared one way or another.

At last, the woman he’d been waiting for arrived. By this time the bottle of wine he was empty. The woman was sat on a table in front of him, which was convenient, so he could observe her without making it obvious.

The woman was tall for her sex, a couple of inches shy of six feet, and blonde, with hazel eyes. She had a full, voluptuous figure that was made apparent with the dress she wore. Her advance to the table was met by many lusty stares from the men, and envious ones from the women. Even now that she was seated, heads still turned. They tried to get one last glance at this Venus.

She cast a fleeting look over at Shane, who looked away at once. It would do no good for him to be made just yet.

When he thought it was safe again he looked back at the woman. She had her side profile to him. Her face lit up when a man in an immaculate black tuxedo approached her. The tall, well built man planted a quick kiss on her lips before sitting down opposite her.

Witnessing this show of affection between both of them put a lump in his throat. He swallowed hard and gulped the last of his wine. The alcohol was welcome. He needed a loose tongue for what he was about to do.

Shane picked up a chair from his table and walked over to where the Venus was sat. Man and woman watched as the strange brunette man sat and drew his chair closer to their table. The stunned look on both their faces was hilarious and with the wine he’d just had it was a struggle to keep the giggles at bay.

‘Do you mind if I join you,’ Shane asked.

The colour in Venus’ face vanished at once leaving a white mask in its stead. Her companion on the other hand was turning redder by the second.

‘Shane…’ the woman said.

Shane and the woman did know each other. After all, they’d been married for six years. You might even say they knew each other intimately, less so of late, for obvious reasons.

‘Listen, Shane…’ Daryl said. He tried to continue, but couldn’t think of an appropriate appeasement.

Their waiter was approaching, with the menu in hand. If he noticed that he was supposed to be waiting on two people instead of three, he didn’t say anything. He just went on babbling on about the specials that were available, handing the menus over and then making suggestions that Shane was certain was falling on deaf ears.

‘The lentil soup will be fine, and a bottle of Jonah Patel Moscato 2130,’ Shane said.

Neither of them was denying anything Shane noted.

He once thought his wife was cheating on him with his best friend and most trusted aide. His business had suffered during that period. Francis even threatened to quit. Not that he could have. Shane would kill him before he let Francis go work for someone else. Hell, he almost did kill him when he suspected he was sleeping with his wife. Lucky for them both the button man he would have assigned the job had a bout of diarrhoea, giving Shane more time to think.

When it turned out the bitch was fucking his arch rival, he wondered whether he felt better or worse. He did feel better. In fact, at this moment he was on top of the world.

There was an element of stupidity on Daryl’s part. He could have ended the affair between him and Rebecca weeks ago, and then gloated to Shane how he’d fucked his wife, assuming that was why he was with her in the first place. The fact that he’d kept seeing her so long and going to such pains to keep it hidden meant it was somewhat personal between them. That was understandable. Rebecca wasn’t the sort of woman you had once and discarded. She had a sexuality that managed to sap men of rational thought.

‘This has been going on for a couple of months, maybe three,’ Shane said in his raspy voice. ‘You’ve been so caught up giving it to her up the bum you forgot to take care of your business.

‘I know about the Jhovians your men are meeting,’ Shane paused to look at his watch, ‘In twenty-three minutes.’

Daryl’s face took on a bluish hue. He dragged his hair through his slicked back hair.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Daryl’s composure was gone. There was absolutely no conviction in that lame denial. Seeing Shane wasn’t buying it, Daryl said:

‘Who talked?’

‘That would be telling.’

Their soup and wine arrived at last. Rebecca had started hyperventilating.

‘Are you alright,’ the waiter asked.

‘She’s fine,’ Daryl and Shane said simultaneously. ‘She just needs a glass of wine,’ Shane added.

When the waiter was out of ear shot Shane continued;

‘I’ve always liked your import and export business. It’s a wonderful front for smuggling goods and fugitives to earth and back, and to think that if I needed to lay low for a while I’d have had to come to you for help.

‘This is how it’s going to be; you’re going to sell me your share of Freight and Fly Plc. This isn’t a negotiation.’

‘Or else what. Do you think I came here alone? I have men sat at one of the tables, and waiting for me outside. If anything happens to me…’

‘Shut up and listen,’ Shane hissed. ‘You don’t have much time. In a few minutes your men are going to be at the abandoned space port. The Jhovians will then arrive separately with – if I’m not mistaken – a trunkful of Velium. When their car pulls up, it’ll be blown to bits.

‘Your typical double cross, except you weren’t responsible for it. I know it, and you know. But will the Jhovians? You’ll have one hell of a task trying to convince them otherwise. By which time they would have successfully slaughtered your goons. The ones who survive their wrath will surrender and divulge vital strategies to them. To put it plainly this is one bout of fuckery you won’t be able to unfuck. In the end you’d be killed. It won’t be quick.’

Shane pulled out a PDA from his jacket pocket with the accompanying stylus and placed it in front of his former nemesis.

The PDA was no bigger than a deck card, and almost as thin. Daryl signed on the dotted line of the screen.

‘Call it off,’ Daryl said when he’d returned the PDA.

‘As soon as I’m out of here,’ Shane said. ‘Beck?’

Rebecca still looked ashen and scared. She knew what her husband was capable of, even without listening to the current monologue. There was probably another car waiting for them along the drive home. The one they were leaving the Ritz with would be alkol bombed with her body in the driver’s seat. Hopefully they’d kill her first.

But she needn’t had feared. If there was one person in the world that Shane wouldn’t harm it was her. He hoped with time she’d grow to love him. It killed him that she should feel dread towards him. He had put on a brave face when he suspected her infidelity for the sake of his integrity, but he’d been heart broken alright. That he could turn the disaster into a means of clobbering his arch rival was a testament to Shane’s staying power.

‘Beck,’ Shane repeated. He stood up and held out his hand, helping her up. She was visibly trembling, with tears in her eyes. The anger he had for her melted away. Besides, he’d punished her enough for a previous sin that not she but her father had committed by falling into a debt he couldn’t repay. Yes, he’ll forgive her.

With his warped sense of morality and justice, he reckoned for her infidelity and fathers debt, she wasn’t only paying for her father’s life, she was now paying for hers

Necromortis

It's...interesting. It was actually pretty solid, but it left me with a lot of questions which went unanswered. Most of them regarding the setting (where/when is this taking place? Some clues would be nice - I thought it was in the future, but that's as much as I got) and the nature of Shane's business (and who exactly are the Jhovians?).

On the flipside, it was interesting and engaging, and at least it left me wanting the answers to the above questions, vs. leaving me apathetic.

There were some grammar problems. If you want I can go through it and point them out, but you may just want to proofread it yourself.

~Christian

__________________

MKZ

I liked it.

Avenue

Mm... I enjoyed it as well, but there's a bit of an inconsistency, I think, stemming from Shane's character and the language he uses.

Correct me if I'm wrong but Shane is a rich businessman, with an empire built from intelligence, shrewd risk-taking and cold-blooded dealings, yes? I think the difficulty I'm having is reconciling his actions and thoughts in the present with this background info.

First off, 'Shane', presumably, is his first name. If this is the bourgeoisie, and he's over 20, then you can probably earn him a lot more credit by referring to him by his last name. (As an additional note, brunette is not a very imposing description of the man. I'd change it if I were you.) You might want to pull this with the Dylan character too-- it makes the men seem significantly more serious, and isolates Rebecca in her intimate nature.

Second, Shane's devil-may-care attitude in the restaurant is very cocky. I would think he would be the smart enough to take a keen interest in what others in the restaurant are doing, particularly the other singles. Especially since Dylan himself points out that he has bodyguards there. As a further reason, he tried to stay hidden at first, didn't he? So he could surprise the pair. That means he would have to be careful to blend in. This,

"Not that he cared one way or another."

Is indicative of a reckless and arrogant character. If this man is as slick and brilliant as his plan makes him seem, he ought to be more careful, and more cognizant of the what is/could be going on around him. You could still pull this off with nonchalance, and make him seem all the more skilled for it.

Additionally, words like 'fuck' stand out quite clearly in conversation, especially in a posh restaurant. If he was trying to be subtle, he might have used more refined, detatched language. While the foul words bring a sense of urgency to the dialogue, they are unfitting of a character who seems so powerful and well-organized. They make him seem childish and petty, where he should be competent and superior.

The best villians, in my mind, are the ones who speak well, and are composed and intelligent. I think Shane should be in this category, based on his station. He is certainly worthy of it. His temper is explosive, and that is important. But it must be well-restrained (for the most part) in order for his deeds to earn him any credit.

I really like where you're going with this. I hope you're planning to add more to the storyline!

hypercool4life

AVENUE, his corkiness was a result of his being slightly drunk. Still you do have a point about his pettiness and lack of finess, plus his being unable to spot the bodyguards amidst the diners. I'd take that into consideration in the re-write.
Thanks for your input. MKZ and NECROMANTIS too.