Gazelle

This story contains some mild language and will probably have adult situations in later chapters.

I just started writing this story more to improve on my writing than anything else. I'm planning on posting the whole thing on this board as I write it because I'm not looking to publish it. Since I'm writing this to improve my writing ability, obviously I'm looking forward to any and all comments and critiques.

This is only part of Chapter 1, I'll post the rest of the chapter some time tomorrow if people are interested. Also, I'd like opinions on the title and the name of the city.

Chapter 1: The Library Boy

Tel checked his clockwork time telling device or CTTD for short. He still had more than an hour to get to work. Most days the walk wouldn't take him more than fifteen minutes, but sometimes the streets, bridges, and alleys shifted enough to make getting to work impossible.

The city didn't necessarily follow the rules of time and space. Even though Tel had lived in The City of Infinite Names, with its constant shiftings and time paradoxes, he knew that time and space were suppose to be more stable. That was The City for you, it had a way of making its inhabitants aware of such laws of time and space and that it can, and will, break those laws whenever it very well felt like it. This was the reason that Tel always left so early.

He opened his apartment door to the sight of solid, wood walls to his front and to his right. The only way left to go was to his left, down the stairs, and out of the building. He knew there was more of the hallway to his right and most likely another room across from his, but the other rooms didn't exist to him, just as his room didn't exist to other tenents of the building. It was great for security, but it made him feel isolated, liking he was living in a wooden tomb. He shook those thoughts from his head ,and taking the steps down two at a time until he jumped over the last four, he made his way out the door with a morning smile on his face.

The City of Infinite names was a web of streets, lanes, and alleys, full of ever shifting patterns, so vast and complicated, that even a spider from the depths of a mulkaken's bowel, who in turn inhabits the depths of hell, would go mad at even thinking to concieve of weaving even a billionth of such a web itself. Seriously, its happened before. Tel himself had read a transcript of court case in which said spider was being sued for biting and killing a man's dog. The man had won and took the spider for everything it was worth, which was an egg sack. The man later died in his sleep from what seemed to be many small spider bites.

Tel's part of the web was bedecked with houses of brick, stone, wood, and some an amalgamation of all three. They varied largely in shapes and sizes, some building fitting together in a way similar to the shape stacking game, Iglot. A little left of directly across from Tel, was an alley way that he took to get to his job at the library. Barring the way, there was pit, perhaps bottomless, that was about twenty feet long and stretched forever, as far as he knew, both ways.

There were many bridges, of all different kinds, that spanned the gap. The bridge that usually stayed within fifty yards of Tel's front door was a beautiful white marble with intricately carved statues of heavenly knights and cherubs. It was the most beautiful structure around. Most of the other bridges were made of old wood or frayed rope, though he did hear there was one made of pure diamond beset with many other precious gems.

Tel looked around and didn't see the beautiful bridge around, or any other less beautiful bridges. He finally saw the light bouncing off the polished marble of the bridge a littler over a mile away to his left. He ran his young, callused hand through his dark brown hair and gave a frustrated laugh. "A good long walk never hurt anyone." He walked towards the bridge and let out another laugh.

One of the other sparse, early morning travellers heard the laugh and let one of his own slip. "Going to be one of those days, isn't it?" He said it to himself as much as to Tel.

"We're not the only ones with an extended walk. Hell, we're lucky compared to a lot of the people," Tel replied. Up ahead, around the marble bridge, were about thirty other bridges all clustered together.

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Apathy is good for your health. When you just don't care about anyone or anything, its hard to get stressed. So be like me and sit back and watch while society goes to hell. You'll have a lot of laughs along the way.

Necromortis

I like the concept quite a bit. It reminds me of something, but in all honesty, I can't quite put my finger on what.

Anyhow, I think you should proofread it. I caught quite a few little errors that interrupted the flow of the reading, and in some parts, your explanations are confusing (eg. the part about the spider. I had to read it twice before I really understood what you were saying, and even then I shook my head. You could technically remove the part about the court case too - it's superfluous).

It also seems like you've tried to pack a lot of information into very few words. Personally, I thought it seemed rushed (and I'm sure the grammar errors didn't help much). I'd like to see you expand on the beginning little thing on time and space perhaps, as well as making your character a bit more...easy to relate to?
I'm not getting much out of him right now.

Finally, too much telling. Perfect example:
Aside from the grammar error, the first sentence tells too much, instead of shows it. Why not something to the effect of: "Tel checked his Clockwork Time Telling Device on his bedside table. The CTTD told him that he still had a little over an hour to get to work." Obviously you can reword it however you want, but that's just how I'd do it. I may even completely eliminate the first sentence and say something like, "Tel checked the CTTD on his bedside table and saw that he had a little more than an hour to get to work." This allows the reader to realize that a CTTD is a clock or some sort, without stopping the flow of the story to explain it.

Why is it that everyone gets awesomely great critiques, but my story has 50 views and only two one-liner comments?

Anyway, keep writing, I want to read more, the story's got me interested.

Cheers,
~Christian

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wordjunkie

Gazelle,

Necromortis has given you some invaluable information. Show don't tell is a concept that was taught to me by Rob Parnell.

You are so much more an advanced writer than I that I am jealous of you.

But what really is encouraging to me is that just when I was at the brink of giving up in writing fiction, I found a mentor / tutor / instructor who has helped me so much that I can never repay him. His name is Rob Parnell. If you will visit the following website, you will see wonderful ebooks and tools to help you hone your writing skills. Yes, I also get a commission for those I direct to the link, but I am convinced that I am doing you a favor. I hope you will visit so that you will see what I mean. His ebooks are DIRT CHEAP. But the wisdom and instruction that they contain is worth more than gold.

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WordJunkie

The Easy Way to Write - Unique and Popular Writers' Resource - free writing lessons, fiction courses, market listings, writing articles etc, Go here: http://jneely989.navin.hop.clickbank.net

hypercool4life

Like necro said, good concept. From what i gather (despite the nonconformism with space and time), the city appears to be literally alive; and the spider getting sued was a nice touch of irony (maybe poetic justice). You've got a good imagination.

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In the begining was the word and the was with God and the word was God...
In the end there was man, and man became god.

A-L

I like how you describe the city, it caught my interest early on. Aside from what necromortis said it is really original and refreshing and I would enjoy reading more.


Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy) Please read and comment.