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Old 03-13-2008, 10:41 PM   #1
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Ashes of the Apocalypse




Summary

Matthias Barbarus is a combative Roman hero, receiving the honarable “Golden Sword” and becoming a quaestor by the age of 30. He retired early, enjoying his well-earned fortune that would be set for the rest of his life. Equipped with an open mind, the idea of the ostracized Christians becomes a curious interest, for he has never fully accepted a religion before.

When the Persecution of the Christians begins, Matthias follows them to Jerusalem, vowing to defend them from the devouring dynasty. Although he continually proves to be a valid warrior, he is viewed in askance, for he does not accept any religion. Jerusalem is sacked in what may be known as the biggest siege in history – Matthias is known to be the only survivor.

Therefore he is chased by the Roman Army, still feeling he is a threat to Rome. He stumbles upon the grueling new war between Heaven and Hell, and must fight for Earth’s survival.


Prologue

Domitian, Rome’s Emperor, sits atop his glorious throne, repeatedly stabbing the arm of his chair with a used dagger, obviously upset. A regiment of soldiers enter the magnificent room, led by a superior. “Caesar, Titus has suggested that the best way to end this rebellion is to destroy Jerusalem. We only await your admission to carry on the engagement.”

“You have come wishing my approval?” Domitian inquires, standing from the wooden seat. He walks down his stairs, squeezing his weapon. The soldiers and their chief slowly back away, stepping to the side.

“Yes, my lord. We would not be here other—“

“I place my trust in Titus. He is a smart man, a good general. I question his reasoning on sending his subsidiary for my compliance though. Does he come with any other message?”

“No, sire.” The leader breathes deeply, intimidated by the king in front of him. “Our actions are our own. We were having…” He searches for words. “…second thoughts. We’re not sure that genocide would resolve the conflict we currently face.”

“Second thoughts,” he chuckles, entertained by the man. “In my world, no lie is to go unpunished. Fraudulence in my kingdom is a misdeed against me and the gods themselves. You are having second thoughts? Nerva, the Persecution has begun. There is no Christ. Redeem yourself: ride to Jerusalem as fast as you can, in hopes of finishing up the last of the renegades, now. That is an order.” The men reluctantly exit, climbing onto their horses outside, and march back to their battlefield.

---

Thousands of Romans stand mere yards from the walls of Jerusalem, waiting for their commander's order to attack. Battering rams sit silently, seemingly staring at the general as the rest of the army is. A twig breaks, crushed under the pressure of a soldier's foot. No one notices, as they are concentrated on their leader. "Ready yourselves," he barks, marking the preparation of the mass brigade. The legion grab their shields and swords, pointing inward toward the doomed city; the battering rams are pulled back to full tension, ready to break through the colossal doors; dripping arrows are set alight, roughly aimed at the target angle.

Matthias Barbarus waits inside, a regiment of his own backing him. He lifts a calming hand, signaling his men should hold. A booming thud rocks them, spooking some men, who make a run at the last moment. The ram that created the noise does a substantial amount of damage, despite the doors' bulky nature. Within a few minutes, Romans seep through, intensifying the crowd as the doors burst open. The assailants have their prey heavily outnumbered, leaving the victims to only a gamble of luck. They fight ferociously, killing and injuring many of their contenders, defending their lives and their land. Matthias takes a chance to look around, using his combat skills to fight blindly — there are few men left. One skilled soldier makes his way to Matthias, where they fight back to back.

“We must surrender!” he yells, fending off quite a few soldiers. He is without a shield, equipped with only two swords, as is Matthias.

Gulping air desperately, Matthias retorts, “I could do this all day!” The soldier breathes his last few words and dies on a Roman sword. Quickly realizing he is the only one left, he chooses to evacuate the city. ‘I must warn the church.’ As he disperses of his last Roman, he pummels through the rest, forcing a hole. The Earth beneath him rumbles as an earthquake hits. He stumbles through, tripping through the madness. Jerusalem Temple stands high, unscathed; an odd silence curses everything as he reaches the eye of the storm; no soldiers litter the area and the earthquake subsides.

Matthias limps on, forcing his way through the holy doors. A prayer is interrupted, and everyone stares angrily at the general. “You must get out!” he ferociously roars. “The Romans are here and flooding in by the thousands! For your own sake!”

“Matthias, my child,” the man pleads. His expression is grim. “You have no place here. This temple is reserved for believers. Escape if you wish; we are staying, to be rejoined in the Kingdom of Heaven. If you do manage to escape, let it be known that Armageddon is upon us. You among us shall be the only one to see it. Leave, now, Matthias. The church is no place for a warrior.” As the soldier turns away, the leader mumbles, “there is no escape.”

Gripping two blood-stained swords, Matthias casually strolls down the entrance stairs, ignoring the burning arrows digging into the temple behind him. The enemies flow in individually, making disposal easy for the trained general. As the flow becomes more concentrated, he bursts through the crowd, failing to avoid their sharp blades. He avoids major injury, but suffers a few deep cuts. As he nears the exit, he spots the archers, atop the town’s defense walls, concentrating on killing whatever lurks in the untouched town center.

He exits through the side, utilizing a large hole created by the entering troops. Once he decides he’s a safe distance from the attack, he looks back, only to see the holy city he tried to defend up in flames. Peering up, he sees a proud Titus also observing the destruction, only a few hundred meters from him.

He scales the difficult terrain, searching for a fair hiding spot. Discovering a secluded cave, the man collapses, depleted from the entire ordeal.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:28 PM   #2
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In all honesty, the entire thing reads kind of awkwardly. In some parts the dialogue seems kind of awkward (ex: "You have come wishing my approval?" I just can't really see someone saying that in real life). Another thing that grates on my slightly is the use of the present tense - it makes it read slightly like screenplay stage directions, rather than a story. But really there isn't anything wrong with using the present tense (I don't think), I just don't like how the story fits in it, especially since it is set in the past (fictional past, but still the past).

Another thing is that the battle scene seems rather rushed. *Shrug* Just my thoughts. In fact, most of the prologue (after the scene with the Roman emperor) seems rather rushed. I'm personally big on being able to create a solid mental picture when I read, and you don't write enough for that. I mean, you have the Romans break in, start the fight, and end up killing everyone except one guy - all in one paragraph!

Now, that being said, it's a cool idea. I also like the priest's reaction to Matthias when he bursts into the temple.

I suggest re-writing it and concentrating making it less rushed and awkward.

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Old 03-13-2008, 11:45 PM   #3
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Thanks for the feedback, mate! It is rather rushed, sadly. I've had this particular story in planning since December, and the series it fits into for nearly a year now. You caught the screenplay part: I plan to go places with the screenplay and not the novel. The screenplay is in the works, and the novel/story is purely for the entertainment of those who read it. I'm going to TRY to continue on, in hopes that the words will soon come naturally, because I've written these two scenes countless times. The screenplay comes much easier, while it seems I must squeeze the words out for the story. Once again, I appreciate your input; your words are deeply appreciated, including your criticism, even if I have taken them into consideration.
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:29 PM   #4
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Ok, this was a rather peculiar story. I have to agree with everything Necromortis said and one more thing he didn't mention.

Are you sure you should be putting Kratos on this artwork for you story? I am pretty sure you can get in trouble from Sony for putting him there (Not to mention your name in the bottom corner, as if your claiming him). He also has no part in the story. If I were you I would take him off before you get sued.
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Old 03-14-2008, 09:17 PM   #5
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I'm making no profit off of it. It's just to give the reader a visual. I won't get sued. If I ever do make a profit, Kratos will have nothing to do with the story. Besides, he's widely puplicized. I think it's fairly obvious I did not create Kratos' picture myself.
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Old 03-25-2008, 03:52 AM   #6
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Quote:
“You have come wishing my approval?” Domitian inquires, standing from the wooden seat. He walks down his stairs, squeezing his weapon. The soldiers and their chief slowly back away, stepping to the side.

“Yes, my lord. We would not be here other—“

“I place my trust in Titus. He is a smart man, a good general. I question his reasoning on sending his subsidiary for my compliance though. Does he come with any other message?”
Excellent, you do what so few here do well, you clearly separate a character from another with their dialogue and minimal imagery.
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