Wadatrip

Kumquattel

Clarification - mental disorder is not the same as mental illness. And to make things real you better know a lot about it, as in talk to people who know that they have mental illness whether they are "insane" or not.

Finally, some unanswerable questions have answers, and the mysteries of your life seem to become illuminated. = "questions have answers" contrasted "with life seems to become" stronger statement if you make them both assertive statements questions have answers and life becomes iluminated

trudged downstairs for breakfast = sounds like a little kidAnother school year had begun, and I easily fell into the daily routine that a monotonous lifestyle brings on. = doesn't sound like it's the first day of school if he's in a routine already

After my parents had forced me to transfer to the same school as my sister, = a previous post asked why they didn't go to the same school - the fact is that they do. Change to parents forced and leave the had's out as much as possible. Makes for stronger sentences

I leaved through = I think you mean "leafed" though the papers

amongst = not the right word choice here, I think. It sounds out of place. Among is fine thanked her for my schedule and her helpful advice as I left the office. I gave my schedule a glance, realizing with relief that the school operated on a rotating block schedule. Memorizing it was easy, it was almost identical to the schedule I had at my old school. The only difference was that I had different classes during each period. I stepped out into the early morning light and looked around.
= easily deleted with no affect on story

My eyes drank = the word choices are off in some of the spots. Do eyes really drink - and would your character poetically "drink" in his surroundings. I would think he would be examining or making note of, or something to that effect. (also in this area you use "trudge" again. Just doesn't seem to fit with this character.

As I was folded in half = sounds like he's a piece of paper. Combine his posture with the previous sentence and suggest that while he was bent over retrieving....

Alright = alright is always two words "All right"

The room had become absolutely quiet when the teacher had said my = leave out the "hads' theychanged the tense unnecessarily

The rest of the day went by in much the same manner. There were a few kids kind enough to offer their help in finding my next class, and a few were even brave enough to ask me how I liked the school so far. The five minute passing periods didn’t afford much time for idle chatter however, and I spent most of my time sitting in the back of classrooms listening to various teachers talk about how they would be teaching their classes. = I would delete this paragraph. It adds nothing and seems to be information that one would assume.

confirming that despite being forced to transfer because of grades, I had a decent work ethic and got good grades. = doesn't this contradict itself? transferred because of bad grade but he gets good grades?The dialogue in this are doesn't ring true for me. And I don't really know if a group of kids would barrage a new student with questions. Not wham bang back and forth. I imagine more that several students might attempt to be friendly and lead others toward the new person. Then there would be a more vigorous dialogue, perhaps at the end of the day or the next day lunch.

I stood up as the bell rang, said goodbye to the people I’d had lunch with, and went to my last class.= leave this phrase out - we already know who he is saying goodbye to.
and sped me off to her car. = what does sped me off to the car look like? immediately one thinks of the car speeding when he hasn't even gotten into the car. Maybe she rushed him, or hurried him, or dashed, hurried?but seeing as I hadn’t brought anything besides notebooks and a few empty binders in my book bag to school that day, I didn’t put up a fuss. = do you mean that since he didn't have to get anything from his locker it didn't matter? Otherwise I don't see the connection between not having much to take home and his complacency about the rush.


A few kids looked sideways at us as I was rushed outside, and I thought I caught a few nods in my direction from people I thought I recognized. I barely had time to nod back before we were gone. = take this out - unnecessary

Those are my humble suggestions. Overall it has intrigue but I don't think it is nearly as tight as you could make it. The piece moves in a diary-style mode. Needs a little stirring up to keep the tension and interest moving. Also, I would really pay attention to word choices, and dialogue to make sure they sound realistic. You never say how old Anthony is, or what grade he is in. You imply he is in high school (with statistics and chemistry) but it could also be middle school if he is in private school as they tend to move at a quicker pace...So I would make sure that is clear, and then write his thoughts and the dialogue more natural to that age group.

I agree with other postings that the prologue is a good set up but could be used more purposefully by including it as the story moves along. Maybe hint here and there that there is something up with him, or how it changes as he moves along. Making statements as you do in the prologue about mental disorder (which you really mean mental illness) you need to be really sure that you accurately account for his thoughts and behaviors. Making generalized statement can be risky if you don't have the absolute knowledge about mental illness. I only say this because I am very familiar with mental illness and what it means to families and the self. Just make sure you verify with someone...I hope something here helps. Looking forward to more of the novel.

Necromortis

Wow, I didn't expect many replies and so I've gone and built up a backlog.

I want to thank everyone for their comments, they're incredibly helpful. I've actually decided to scrap what I have so far and completely start over, because the entire first chapter is relatively inconsequential in terms of the entire story.

So I'm going to start re-writing this, starting where things actually happen, and hopefully it'll be a much more engaging read.

To answer a few questions:

1. No, I don't have a mental illness or disorder (unless you count a mildish case of OCD)

2. The story is about his life with two different mental disorders. Schizophrenia and one of my own invention. The schizophrenia comes about because of the other disorder, which causes him to react in extremes when faced with self-defense situations - he blacks out and goes into a violent fit of rage. It's sort of like a bloodlust, which is only triggered when he's threatened, or his family, very close friends, loved ones, etc. are threatened. I did a bit of research into this and couldn't find anything like it, so I'm assuming I invented it.

3. In light of #2, the story's focus isn't the actual mental disorders themselves. It's mainly about how aspects of his life (particularly the romantic side of his life) are influenced by the disorders. Plus a major twist near the end.

So, with that said. Thanks everyone. I'm going to PM a moderator and ask them to lock this thread up, and then re-post this in the Critique and Advice section, after I've given it a total revamp. And I'll give it at least a working title, and try to define the genre.

Once again, thanks for all the comments and suggestions.

~Christian