The Wrong Choice? - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Gort · 03-11-2008, 12:49 PM

All rascict words, behaviour and language are not my personal views, they are used for effect and atmosphere

The Wrong Choice?

Prolouge

David took deep breaths. The duffel bag over his shoulder was heavy, it was hard lugging it up the staircase. The door head of him was his goal, his destiny. This was the way his life was going to end, a heroic way, he was going to kill himself and take hundreds of evil people with him.
This place stunk, what could he expect from a mosque? All the Muslims below were praying and gathering outside ready for their ceremony. David hated all Asian people, chinks, wogs, niggers, pakis and Jews. He had been called ignorant all his life and had his ill-educated views on people attacked.
David did not care, the plague that had poisoned his country was about to get a kick in the balls. The cancer infecting his body was wearing him down, he could hardly breathe, but he didn’t have time for wheezing… there was work to do.
A week ago the two men that entered his life had both tempted him with their generous offers. He had took one of their propositions, perhaps it was the wrong thing to do… perhaps it wasn’t the decision other people may have made, but oh well.
David took his last deep breathe and opened the door in front of him. Bright sunlight flooded the staircase that made his eyes squint. The communal chatter of the flocks of pakis could be heard below. David stepped on to the roof of the towering mosque. He dropped the duffel bag to the floor and unzipped it. Out of it he pulled his AK 47, his desert eagle and his detonator.

Chapter Two Coming Soon... Please give C&C

Wilem · 03-11-2008, 01:02 PM

Wow pretty heavy stuff. That was pretty good I must admit.
"The door head of him was his goal" that was meant to be 'Ahead' I assume, probably a typo. I'm really looking forward to the development of this story, it touches on issues a lot more relevant to today which is daring and good.

Good job and I look forward to reading more.

A-L · 03-11-2008, 01:33 PM

Definetly some bold stuff here but gripping nonetheless. I would like to read more. But could you describe why he had developed such a hate for them? Even a brief description would make this better.

shraga · 03-11-2008, 02:02 PM

While the story is interesting it needs to be longer before I can truly get into it.
I am not really feeling the hate that he has, and if he truly hates everyone then why is he only picking on the arabs?
Since when are Jews Asian?

If he truly hates everyone why not just kill them and escape why is he giving up his life too?

In short, you need to lengthen

Gort · 03-11-2008, 02:09 PM

I feel what your saying... that was just the prolouge... trust me when I say this story gets a lot more intresting and strange. If it dosn't make sense at any point... the coming chapters will explain everything. Oh and he hates msot races but the Asian thing is because hes not very well educated and arrogant

Part One

25 Years Earlier

The two figures sat in the dark room facing each other. The tension was extreme… the two mortal enemies stared straight at each other. Neither flinched nor broke eye contact… until finally one spoke.
“So you think that you can tempt this man in to murdering so many innocent people?” One asked.
At the other end of the room the other figure leaned forward in his chair…
“Oh yes… you will be shown the evilness of your perfect creation-”
“I never said it was perfect, far from it; however they are perfecting themselves more and more everyday.”
“Whatever, the one you chose will be easy to tempt, he is destined to a life of hatred against other races.”
“Maybe so, but he is a decent man with morals and a conscious… and you cannot play his hatred off against other people, no matter how large the riches or temptations are because I will stop you with an offer off my own.”
This statement stunned the other figure. A look of aggression swept across his terrifying face.
“When I am finished with that man he will have murdered hundreds and I will laugh at your pathetic attempts of saviour.”
“We will see won’t we… Now if you wouldn’t mind leaving!”
The other figure rose, bowed mockingly and opened the door behind him. The brightly coloured expanse of space and time was visible and the second figure began his travels back to the other end of the universe.

The figure sat down sighed; pure evil had just left the room. David was being born in around an hour and he wanted to make sure that he could do all he can to prevent the devil from tempting him in to mass murder. The figure opened the door behind him and went back in to his kingdom… Heaven.

Wilem · 03-11-2008, 02:18 PM

That didn't actually help anything it just made me confused when I wasn't in the first place.

shraga · 03-11-2008, 02:22 PM

Is this supposed to be a conversation between god and the devil?
because bets between god and the devil have been done before. And if so god created man and he would know the inherint evil that lives in every one

Jax1108 · 03-11-2008, 02:31 PM

I liked the idea, however it could have been written with a little more interest. It was a bit too short for me to critique.

Then when you posted the next one, I honestly didn't read all of it. Mostly because of Shraga's comment about it being between god and the devil, which I saw that it was indeed. It's an intersting concept, however you have to be aware some people won't like that. Not that its really your problem

It's just not my kind of thing. I don't like to pervet religious things a alot, rather, I don't like to read it. But it is interesting. Just gotta be aware this type of stuff WILL, anger readers. Not so much here though, with other writers. But your average community...

But yea...your dialouge is pretty good. However at the beginning, instead of telling us there is tension, show us. It will be better

Hope that helped!

Gort · 03-11-2008, 02:52 PM

David cocked the AK, 30 bullets inside ready to destroy the pakis’ insides and to remove their limbs. The Desert Eagle had seven powerful bullets inside ready to end the lives of the evil men below. The detonator was linked to the massive amount of explosives in structural points of the beautiful mosque. The mosque was filled with hundreds of Muslims who didn’t know the massive amount of danger that they are in.

David walked to the edge of the roof and looked down at the crowds below. There were lots of groups of men in traditional Muslim clothes gathered in circles talking. David could bet what they were discussing. He looked at the largest group, all the men were listening to a fat prick explaining something. He aimed his rifle at one big fat man in the middle of the group. With one eye closed he aimed at the man’s chest and muttered the words to himself:
“I fucking hate Pakis!”

David pulled the trigger; he spent the next few minutes letting years of hatred burst out of him. Bullets rained down on the helpless crowd below. The sacred ground was filled with blood as David re-loaded and emptied the clips in his AK, killing every Muslim in sight.

“FUCKING DIE! ALL OF YOU! FUCKING DIE!” David screamed from the rooftop. Shortly it was surrounded by police cars. A police helicopter was called, David had run further in to the middle of the roof and the police couldn’t fire at him.
He sat with his back against a wall, re-loading his AK. The cancer had caught up with him again, he was coughing and spluttering. Finally, regaining his composure he stood up and returned to the edge of the rooftop.

The ground was flooded with police cars; hundreds of cops pointed their guns up to him. He could hear a megaphone somewhere in the crows ordering him to drop the AK. But the noise was drowned out by a noisy helicopter hovering just above him. Inside two men were aiming large machine guns out of the window at David.

Finally he could see the man on the megaphone; David looked straight in to his eyes and merely shook his head. He then dropped the AK, but removed the detonator from his jacket. The man in the helicopter opened fire, hit David twice in the chest, straight off the roof he fell, spiralling in mid air and could see the ground below approaching closer. David was almost dead, but with the last inch of willpower in his wasted body he closed his eyes and focused on the man he has recently met. He focused on all the things he had told and promised him, and he thought of his beautiful wife Cara… she would be living a happy life and he had just gave up his so she can enjoy hers. Then, inches from the floor David pushed the button that he was tightly clinching in his hand.

More chapters coming soon... c & c please

Gort · 03-11-2008, 02:53 PM

Chapter three...

One week earlier...

coming soon...

Please give feedback

Gort · 03-11-2008, 09:29 PM

David was lying down on the bed. His face was burning; small fragments of glass were lodged in to his cheek and head. The bright light above him and the pain made him keep his eyes permanently closed.
David heard the door open and the footsteps of the doctor enter the room.
“David is it?”
“Yes, that’s me.” David opened his eyes just to see if the doctor was white or not, thankfully he was white, greasy gorilla hands were not touching his face.
The doctor didn’t look much older than forty; he had a short stubbly beard and glasses with grey hair.
“Now why is it? That you did not go to an NHS hospital but came to this private medical facility?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m an escaped criminal and I cannot receive any kind of free treatment.”
The doctor didn’t seem too surprised.
“We get this all the time, however it’s very rare that someone is as open about it as you.”
“And that is what your company is based on is it? Treating people off the map?”
The doctor just smiled at this remark while examining David’s face.
“Bet if I put a turban on my head I could get NHS care.”
The doctor seemed to agree with this.
“That’s the way it is I suppose, God works in mysterious ways.
“So how did you receive this horrific injury David? A Friday night brawl?”
“You could say that… you see my wife is terminally ill… and looks it. We were out shopping and a group of niggers made fun of her and I lost it.”
“ooh… quite understandable I suppose.”
“I fucking hate niggers, more than pakis and chinks, I fucking hate them all! One of them hit me with a Stella bottle right in the face”
“Well don’t worry we will have that sorted soon enough.” The kind eyed doctor smiled… his eyes sparkled behind his spectacles. “So tell me about your wife?”

David flinched at even the thought of it. “She’s terminally ill, and I can’t afford the private treatment.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Some severe infection, very rare apparently.”
“Awful, may I ask why you are so racist?”
“My father was killed by a group of black men and my Mother was gang raped by a group of pakis… that’s why doctor.”
“Awful… just awful I’m very sorry… another quick question please… are you receiving treatment for your cancer? The symptoms are all here.”
“No, well out of my budget.”
“Not that it would do much good; to be honest you don’t look like you have long left.”
“Yesterday I smoked 40 cigarettes; I don’t need you to tell me that thank-you.”

The doctor walked to his desk then turned around.
“I tell you what, how about you go home and get a blood sample from your wife, here’s a kit, simple procedure. Maybe her infection is treatable. If it is… then perhaps we could negotiate some kind of a deal, I know that you are skint... but I do not want money from you… I want you to help yourself by helping me.”

David sat up, interested. The doctor explained his offer to David, which went against all off the morals and laws that David lived by in his racist life. The last thing he wanted to do was the favour the doctor was asking... however the reward was too appealing to pass up.

Darkness · 03-12-2008, 04:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jax1108

Just gotta be aware this type of stuff WILL, anger readers. Not so much here though, with other writers. But your average community...

And all the better for it! Any strong reaction from an audience usually means that a writer is doing his job right!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gort

David cocked the AK,

I could be wrong, but I didn't think AK's were "cocked?"

I wasn't really interested until the very last part. I thought that was really well done keeping us in suspense about the doctor's offer.

I also think that in the prologue, you need to tell us what sort of ethnicity David is. I mean, he hates so many and for that to be the case he has to have some sort of dealing with those races. Also the bit about his parents is a little unbelievable.

I like that you are taking a punt on something a little out there. I assume you are doing the "battle in the man's soul" thing?

shraga · 03-12-2008, 11:33 AM

Quote:

“So how did you receive this horrific injury David? A Friday night brawl?”
“You could say that… you see my wife is terminally ill… and looks it. We were out shopping and a group of niggers made fun of her and I lost it.”
“ooh… quite understandable I suppose.”
“I fucking hate niggers, more than pakis and chinks, I fucking hate them all! One of them hit me with a Stella bottle right in the face”
“Well don’t worry we will have that sorted soon enough.” The kind eyed doctor smiled… his eyes sparkled behind his spectacles. “So tell me about your wife?”

I feel like this whole section is a bit forced. While he may be open about his rascism, he should not be so open to the real reason. He should answer something like "damn sand niggers talk all the fucking jobs, or something of the sort.
The real reason should be buried deeper down.
Having something bad done to you or a loved one by another race does not automatically cause you to loathe the entire race. Hate is taught.

Gort · 03-13-2008, 07:47 PM

David exited his car and headed straight for the pub doors. Nodded to the two bouncers who he went to school with and entered “The Devil’s horns” .
The dark pub was dimly lit by lights over the pool tables and behind the bar. David surveyed all the random men dotted around on their own and in groups drinking away their sorrows. To be honest this was a shit pub, no youth came in for a good time, it was typically an old man’s pub. No happiness ever really existed in there, the owner was an ex-hit man rumour had it, all his friends tended to congregate in there taking advantages of the free drinks.
David didn’t have many friends, he hated most people, it didn’t matter anymore, he would die soon.
After ordering his usual, David’s mind wandered back to the blood testing kit in his car. Was the doctor for real? Could he really save Cara? If he could.. Would David really have the balls to do what the doctor requested? What choice did he have? Both of them were dying, he may as well save Cara.
Just as his pint arrived a hand landed on David’s shoulder. Calmly, he paid the barman then slowly turned around. The most evil looking man David had ever seen stood before him: his face was more than what you would call “rough”, this man looked like he could destroy a tank with his bare hands. Standing easily 6 feet tall and fuck knows how many inches the towering man was broad and had what could be described as a sculpted body. Even through his suit you could see his protruding muscles, which did not ruin the professional suit effect.
The man’s eyes seemed completely black and sparkled, this gave them an effect of looking pure evil. The man’s neatly cut short hair added to his menacing aura. The firm hand on his shoulder looked like it belonged to a dinosaur, his bony knuckles stuck out like jagged rocks. The man was white, but with tanned skin, even if this man was black David wouldn’t have dared tried to remove the hand.
The towering figure looked David straight in the eyes and smiled.
“Good evening David.”
“Hello?”
“Oh you do not know me, but lets say we have a mutual friend.”
“Mutual fr-?”
“Oh yes you see your doctor and I are very close friends, and I got wind of the little offer he made to you earlier today…”
David’s first instinct was that this man was police.
“Sorry you must have me mixed up with so-”
The evil glance seemed to pierce through David’s lies and scan his entire brain.
“I assure you my friend that I am here to help you, I feel.. Sympathetic… Let me buy you a drink and I can . . . open myself up to you.” A sadistic smile spread across his face which gave David the impression that he was the least bit sympathetic.
David didn’t dare to argue as the man sat down on the stool next to him. The barman approached and looked up, for a second he stopped, still, apparently the man had the same effect as he had on David upon him.
“Two pints please.”
Quickly the barman sped off.
David stayed quiet, trying carefully not to look at the man.
“So… David… you spoke with the sweet, caring doctor today did you? Did he tell you he could fix all your worries if you did him a little favour?”
David sipped his pint slowly, facing forward.
The man leaned closer in an intimidating way…
“But it wasn’t a little favour was it?”
For a few seconds the tension spiralled, David was frozen, this man had his number.
“I know exactly what he asked of you!” The man sipped his pint “I’m not very familiar with… love… but I can understand that you want to keep your wife from dying. As I said, I am… sympathetic… to your little dilemma.
“Do you really think that after you commit the terrible act that the doctor presented you with… that he will really cure Cara?”
David’s spine shivered, he knew her name.
“ I doubt anybody can save Cara, you are going to have to face that you are both dying.”
The man then picked up a duffel bag that David had not spotted earlier on the floor, it seemed to have magically appeared.
Slowly the man unzipped it, and inside were stacks and stacks of cash. Just like in the movies, the money was piled up neatly and organised.
“My offer David… is a lot more… tempting…”
A group of blacks and Asians entered. All in their scally gear, Nike tracksuits and over the top hoodies. The men stared at David, the money and then the mysterious man, after the latter they turned away.
“Scum of the Earth, black bastards… I understand you have a massive hatred for the blacks and our Asian friends. I don’t blame you…”
Suddenly the man moved very quickly towards David’s face, he didn’t flinch, the sight of that money has stunned him solid.
“Maybe there’s a way that you can take out a couple of your.. “homeboys” over there and make this money at the same time. David my friend, you and Cara are going to die… its inevitable… Dr Doolittle is not going to save her. So why not spend your last months together.. You.. Cara… and my bag here.”

The devil sat there and explained the plan to him… It was as dangerous, violent and appealing as the doctor’s plan. There was something about the two men that David could not put his finger on, but they both seemed very out of this world… David had no idea how right he was.

“… Now remember, do not go back to the doctor… he is a liar and using you for his dirty work, I am here to help and my offer is a lot more risk free.”
David and the devil went to the parked Ferrari outside and opened the boot. Inside was a large AK 47, a large Desert Eagle, a detonator and a shit load of C4.
Again the man put his arm on David’s shoulder…
“May God be with you.” He said in his sick twisted voice.

Appreciating all feedback... keep it coming please

Next chapter soon

Gort · 03-13-2008, 10:58 PM

David walked up the steps to the clinic quickly, his hands shaking, he was nervous. The terrifying man in the Ferrari full of guns told him not to return to the clinic, he made a good point about trusting the doctor. But it was a risk he had to take, not to mention that he was nervous about the task ahead. The bag on his back contained the determining blood sample of whether the doctor could save Cara.

David walked straight to the doctor’s office. As he entered the doctor was looking out of the window with his back to him.
“Hello David.” He said in a pleasant voice, without even turning around.
“I trust you have met the horrible man at the pub?”
“Erm.. Yes…”
The doctor turned around and smiled.
“Listen carefully David, whatever he said abut me, or whatever he tried to get you to do… or whatever he offered you… are lies. He will not pay you and will probably kill you in the process… that man is evil.”
David was bewildered.
“On a lighter note have you brought the blood sample?”
“Yes, yes I have!”
David handed over the bag.
“Aah good, please patiently wait here while I run the necessary tests.”
The doctor smiled then left the room.

For what seemed like hours David thought things through. The doctor would not cure Cara unless he did the task for him… which was very dangerous. However was the big man lying to him? Was the doctor lying? Both off the offers were like a once in a life time opportunity… but they both came with sufficient risks. David could be killed in either situation., but he would risk his life to save Cara or give her all the money she could ask for. David also thought about his hatred for niggers and pakis… and this was his opportunity to kill as many as he could.

The doctor returned…
“David, I have some excellent news!”

David listened intently to the doctor’s instructions…
“I don’t care how you do it.. But it needs to be done!”
“I understand.. And Cara?”
“I will contact her and arrange for her to come.”
David smiled, he know had absolute faith in the man, his kind warm hands met David’s, and with a reassuring glow he said
“She is going to be alright my friend.”

David exited the clinic, waving at the pretty receptionist and walking out in to the bright sunlight, but he was shadowed by an enormous figure… that terrifying face looked angrier than ever.
The man let out a war-like cry… he grabbed David and drove a massive knee in to his groin. He keeled over, gasping for air, the pain was too much. Then a massive elbow landed on his spine and sent David straight to the floor. He was then met with agree kicks to the face until he was finally picked up by the finger in his eye.
“Fucking listen to me you piece of human cancerous scum!” David had never seen some-one so aggressive in his life. The massive finger had shattered his eyeball.
“That man in there is fucking you over! I’m trying to help, now your going to help me or I’ll kill that terminal bitch my fucking self!” With that he smashed David’s head off a nearby wall and got back in to his Ferrari, speeding away.

After a few minutes of recovery David returned to his car and opened the boot. Inside he found the duffel bag full of explosives… what should he do? Who can he trust? David finally decided, and headed for his destination.

Two more chapters left...