Wakaa

Hi! I'm Wakaa and I'm new on this forum. I'm nineteen years old and I wish someday to be a published author. This story I've written to practice my writing so please critique as much as you want! I want to improve my writing so speak your mind!

As for the story, this is actually a fiction, but its based on real events. Not the freaky stuff on the end, but the beginning is mostly true. I got my story idea as I was flying from London to San Fransisco, so this story got started from that. I have written the second chapter and have started the third, but I will hopefully send those some other time.

But please now read and speak your mind!

Chapter 1: The Light

He suddenly woke up in his bed. From his window he could notice that the sky was still dark, and probably still would be at least for couple of hours.

Nevertheless, there was something wrong, he could feel it. The sense of other presence. Soon all of his muscles became stiff, after that they turned numb. It was as if he had lost his legs and arms, he couldn’t move them, or even feel them at all.

Then a sudden weight appeared on his chest. As if something invisible was pressing his chest harder by every moment. Out of nowhere he forgot who he was. He didn’t remember where he was, or what was happening. Everything just turned dark.

Then like a flash in the sky, he heard their voice. The voices he had long ago forgotten. They were calling for him. Ian.

Yes that was it, he said to himself, that was my name. I’m Ian and my last name was…, he struggled to remember.

The pressure became harder and harder on his chest. And the more he struggled the stronger became the sense of presence.

I’m…Ian…Ian…Ian Ashmore.

And with this sudden discovery, a loud growl came from the presence.

Ian turned his head and closed his eyes in fear. Soon he could feel how the presence pressed itself against him.

I’m…Ian Ash..Ashmore.

The growl became more sinister.

I’m...Ian Ashmore, Ian Ashmore! He screamed and the growl stopped, and with it the pressure on his chest relieved. Although the feel of presence wasn’t there any longer, something else compelled him not to turn his head.

But Ian wanted to see his tormenter. Slowly with fear still holding over him, he turned his head, but to his dread he saw that he should have listened to whatever urge told him not to do so.

There it was, right in front of him. Although it was transparent and hard to see, still it was there in the darkness. It was a yellowish transparent face with a fierce grim on its face. And the face was not just any face it was him. It was Ian.

“Are you alright sir?” The stewardess asked him.

“I, ah?” Ian looked around and saw how the other flight attendants seating next to him where looking at him, “I, um, I’m fine.”

The stewardess smiled to him politely and walked off. Ian turned to look at the passenger next to him, who still stared at him. Ian only smiled nervously and turned his head around in embarrassment.

Ian cleared his throat as it felt oddly dry. He felt his forehead and noticed that he was sweating a lot. His heart was also still jumping restlessly, finally he unbuckled his belt. He stood up and excused the passenger next to him, as he squeezed himself past the seat next to him.

His head felt still dizzy and light. Ian closed his eyes for a second, as he at the same time slumbered forth. Everything just felt so weird to him; it was as if he were still dreaming.

Ian stopped in front of the toilet cabinet, but to his disappointment it was already in use.

He leaned against the toilet wall and once again closed his eyes. Although he had slept, he were still tired and worn off from the long flight.

Soon the cabinet door clicked. Ian opened his eyes; his attention was quickly caught by the beautiful brunet that stepped out.

“All yours,” she smiled as she passed him.

Ian followed her with his stare. He had looked her with awe also back at the terminal. But he knew very much that a girl like her would never be interested in a chump like him.

He got in to the toilet cabinet and shut the door after him. Ian washed his face with cold water. His entire body shuttered from the sheer coldness, but he knew he needed it, as he felt know much more awake.

“It was only a dream, Ian,” he watched his reflection from the mirror. His black skin seemed somehow pale and lesser adjusted against his black curly hair.

The plain began to shake a little. Air pockets, he thought. He had never been scared off flying at all, but something about this flight had made him a little more than just nervous.

Maybe it was the fact that this was the first time he had been flying alone, or the fact that this was first time he was flying over the Atlantic Ocean. Whatever the reason was, it made him very nervous.

Ian sighed and stumbled out of the toilet cabinet. A long line of urgent goers had formed before the toilet by the time he had been using it. He walked to his seat, and as he did so he caught a quick glimpse of the beautiful brunette. She was sitting few rows before him. He couldn’t quite tell if she had looked back at him as he didn’t dare to look at her more than fraction of a second.

He excused the passenger next to him and seated himself back. Each of the passengers had a small screen in front of them. This screen could have been used for viewing movies, TV shows or listening to radio or music. The screen could also been used for viewing the flight duration, as it was what Ian was doing.

“Five hours still to go,” Ian sighed. He glanced at his watch, which showed 8.pm.

He kept watching movies for the first hour until he was interrupted by the couple sitting behind him. They argued about something he couldn’t quite hear. He heard the man few times saying, “should have arrived,” but Ian couldn’t figure what he meant by it.

After another hour and so went, he watched the flight duration once again. “Four hours?” He turned to look at his watch. It showed 11.pm, “what?”

“I know,” the man next to him said suddenly. The man had short brown hair and he was wearing green Hawaii shirt. “The plane should have landed already.”

“What do you think is the problem?” Ian asked him.

“Who knows problems with the gear? Or perhaps there is traffic on the terminal?”

“Well…I just hope that whatever it is, it’s not serious.”

The plain kept going for another two hours and still the duration kept showing four hours. Ian grew frustrated and nervous, but he kept it to himself, like he had usually done. The same couldn’t have said from the other passengers, who kept demanding answers. But the stewardess’s seemed as clueless about the entire thing, as the passengers where.

Ian reserved his calmness during this entire time and so did the two passengers next to him. The one, who surprised him the most with his cool head, was the old man with the fisherman hat. He sat on the other side of the aisle. Trough the entire time Ian had noticed the man barely flinch. He would have thought him to be dead if not for the few taps he made every now and then with his walking stick, that he held on his lap.

Finally as the tension was rising almost to its climax the captain made an announcement trough the speakers. “I’m sorry for the delays. There seems to be storm or other kind of distribution on the destination, as we can’t seem to get any answers for our landing requests. So if you could sit back and relax, until we can give you furthermore information about the situation. Until that I would ask you to enjoy the extra meal our stewardess’s will serve in a moment.”

After that the people fell calmer. Ian on the other hand noticed how hungry he had been. He soon extinguished this hunger with the sweet potatoes and meatballs the stewardess’s had served. And the meal, he washed down with not so likeable mango juice, as they were out of every other juice.

After over hour had gone about, there was still nothing to be heard off, the Captain.
Ian ignored this as he doodled on his booklet. Drawing had always made him calmer and it was working right now as he drew whatever crossed his mind. Mostly he drew cartoon characters or superheroes, but now he was drawing something even he couldn’t make sense of. He drew eyes, eyes in the shadow gazing at him.

After he had finished his piece, his thoughts began to wonder. The gaze of picture he had made seemed so alive. It was something he had not ever before accomplished, but yet instead of making him calmer, the picture made him nervous.

He putted the booklet back to its bag, which lied under his seat. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander off once again. The humming of the plain held under it the silent complains of the passengers, complains that gradually became louder and louder.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t sleep,” said the old man with the fisherman’s hat, all of a sudden.“Not at least now.”

Both, Ian and the man with the Hawaiian shirt turned to look at him.

“What? why?” Ian said.

The old man had not even once even glanced at Ian’s direction not even as he had spoken to him. But now the man fell back to his coma like silence.

“Don’t worry about him; he’s just nervous like everybody else here,” the Hawaii shirted man said.

Ian rolled his head to the other side. He knew very well that the old man was anything but nervous. Although Ian had thought that the old man was just speaking nonsense, it was still enough for him to lose his sleepiness.

Ian tried to see a glimpse of the scenery outside, but the heavy build man by the window seat covered it most of the time. Sitting in the middle section, of the middle row, had come to him as quiet disappointment, as he had looked forward to sitting by the window.

After four hours since the last announcement, the Captain made another one. “We have gotten a signal from the terminal, but there is still no answer. We ask you to be still patient as we look more in to this.”

This announcement made the passengers even more worried. Soon discussions broke in every row. Everyone tried to figure out of what the situation really where.

“I would guess that the communications are malfunctioning on the destination,” The Hawaiian guy said.

“No can’t be that. If the there was something wrong with the communications they wouldn’t have gotten even a signal from the terminal,” said the man sitting next to Ian. The round man with short grey beard had been sleeping during most of the flight, but all this chaos had awakened him too.

“He said he got a signal. If the communications work here it doesn’t take to…” The men kept guessing and undermining each other’s theories.

Ian didn’t get involved, as he was just nineteen years old and the men were at least twice as old as he was, he thought he would let them do the thinking. But there was another reason for Ian’s silences. He had noticed how the old man had shifted his stare to the window. He didn’t know why this should make him more concerned, but despite the reason, he was worried.

Ian once again unbuckled from his seat and walked to the aisle as the two men kept arguing. He felt like he needed more air. He took deep breaths as the nervousness was starting to take grip of him.

His eyes shifted around the dock. There were few other passengers whom were also standing or walking on the aisle. There were few passengers who had gotten panic attacks and the flight crew where trying to calm them down.

Surprisingly the few children that were on the flight were calmer than their parents. There was even this little brown haired girl, who kept calming her mother by saying how everything was going to be alright.

There was also this strange passenger sitting at far back. He had dark grey clothes and a black NY cap overshadowing his face. Still Ian couldn’t help but feel that the man was looking straight at him.

Ian walked toward the toilet, but to his disappointment again it was on use. He leaned against the toilet wall and took a quick glance at the brunette. She was talking to a young blonde haired guy, who sat next to her.

The plane began to shake a little. Ian didn’t mind this, and then it shook few times more, before he knew it the plane began to shake more rapidly. Ian almost fell to the floor, but he quickly managed to take support from the wall.

He closed his eyes and began to breathe nervously. His hand started to sweat and his legs shutter uncontrollably.

The seatbelt sign went off. But whoever was using the bathroom didn’t want to come out yet. The flight crew began to ask the people to sit down and most of them did so. There were few passengers who sat down little more reluctantly than others. But there was this one large angry man, who did not care to sit down until he got answers.

Ian thought for a second if he should go back to his seat. But as he was about to do so, he thought he heard something from the toilet cabinet. A sound that stood out from all the others, he thought he had heard a growl.

Whatever the sound was, it fell silent quickly. Before Ian could try to listen more carefully a stewardess walked to him, “excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to go back to your seat.”

“I, uh. Sure,” Ian said as he glanced once more at the toilet door. The stewardess started to lead him back to his seat. He took a quick look at the brunette again and this time he was certain that she had looked at him back.

The big man was still yelling and refusing to sit down.

“When the seatbelt sign is on, you have to sit!” The frustrated stewardess tried to persuade him.

“Honey you have to sit down,” the big guy’s, small wife tried also her best to calm her husband.

“I’m not going to sit until; the bloody Captain says what the hell is going on here!”

As Ian was about to slide past the Hawaiian’s seat the plane began to shake a little. Then with a powerful burst the entire plane started to shake so much that it made Ian fly to the floor of the aisle.

The warnings alarms went off and the passengers kept scream in pure hysteria. Ian tried to get up from the floor, but the out of control shaking of the airplane made it hard for him. He lifted his stare; he saw the big man and the stewardess also lying on the ground.

Ian’s heart jumped in fear, his insides felt like they were about to be squished together. He breathed heavily. The sounds of the plane’s engines became louder and louder. People kept screaming.

He clenched his teeth together and closed his eyes. A moment passed and everything fell silent and the plane became steady once again.

He breathed still nervously. His heart kept jumping up and down. But everything was now silent. It took him awhile to gather his courage and open his eyes.

There was bright light shinning inside from somewhere. He glanced up at the Hawaiian guy, who was gazing at the window with awe. So were the big guy and the stewardess, who both of them still stayed on the ground.

Finally Ian had enough power to call for more courage and stand up carefully. He glanced to the window. There was nothing, but the brightest light he had ever seen and to his surprise it didn’t hurt his eyes at all. The sight was absolutely magnificent.

“Oh my god,” he said as no other words seemed to come out of him.

Gate

Wakaa
I like it whers it going?? give us more

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" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."

Leamadzw

I can see lot's of things i'd want to change. For a start you use the same word more than worse in a sentence, on a regular basis.

For example:
It was a yellowish transparent face with a fierce grim on its face. And the face was not just any face it was him.

And again:
The pressure became harder and harder on his chest. And the more he struggled the stronger became the sense of presence.

I’m…Ian…Ian…Ian Ashmore.

And with this sudden discovery, a loud growl came from the presence.

Ian turned his head and closed his eyes in fear. Soon he could feel how the presence pressed itself against him.

(See how many times you have used "the presence"? Try and fnd another word to describe it. It gets tedious.)


And also:
Ian turned to look at the passenger next to him, who still stared at him. Ian only smiled nervously and turned his head around in embarrassment.

Ian cleared his throat as it felt oddly dry.

(You don't need to keep saying Ian.. At this point there is no other male in the story, so you can use he, or extend the sentence by combining the next, if that makes sense)

I finished reading shortly after he woke up on the flight. You write well, and with more practise i think you will make a very good story, not to say this one isn't. It just needs alot of editting. Everybody always tells me to read it out loud when i proof read, and it's amazing how many things you end up changing because they don't sound right.

God luck with it

Wilem

I can only really offer what Leamadzw has already said, but past that I like it. Again reading it aloud helps, trial and error really. Perseverance is the only way, best of luck and post more when you can.

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The cake, it is a lie!
Questioning everything but learning nothing since 1991.

TevenB

Besides some misspellings (Such as you spelling 'Plane' as 'Plain' in the whole first section of the story) I see nothing wrong with the story. The other users have already told you.

I am confused on one thing though: I don't know the relevance with him saying his name so many times in the intro. That whole part was the only thing that bugged me. Even more so, why was he so concentrated on his name during a situation that I took was threatening his life? I know if something was frightening me I wouldn't care about remembering my name.

But otherwise, a great story so far, and I would like to read more.

Wakaa

Thank you for the critics Leamadzw. Yeah I noticed how much I kept saying Ian. Sorry. Truthfully I wrote that story late night when I was half a sleep and I really didn't notice that. I'll try to improve my writing, thank you comments like that really matter thank you I'll post the next chapter soon enough I hope that you will comment on it too!!

And for the beginning of the story TevenB, it's really relevant part of the story him saying his name for so many times. But hopefully I'll write more of the story sometime and it will come clear to you.

Thank you gate 7041, I have chapter 2 ready, but it may need more polishing. I'll post it as soon as I'm ready. I hope you will like it.

Wakaa

Thank you for the critics Leamadzw. Yeah I noticed how much I kept saying Ian. Sorry. Truthfully I wrote that story late night when I was half a sleep and I really didn't notice that. I'll try to improve my writing, thank you comments like that really matter thank you I'll post the next chapter soon enough I hope that you will comment on it too!!

And for the beginning of the story TevenB, it's really relevant part of the story him saying his name for so many times. But hopefully I'll write more of the story sometime and it will come clear to you.

Thank you gate 7041, I have chapter 2 ready, but it may need more polishing. I'll post it as soon as I'm ready. I hope you will like it.

Leamadzw

I'm the worse for writing late at night, then going back and thinking, that just doesn't make sense. I sometimes proof read a chapter a good 5 times and i still find ramblings lol. I look forward to reading more, and i'll be sure to comment on it It's good to see somebody with talent growing as a writer

Wakaa

Thanks. I have posted the second chapter on the critiques and advices section. I edited it for an hour or so, hopefully there wont be as much errors as this one had. But please read it for yourself.

booker41

I think a lot of your sentences are over-worded and your punctuation needs some work, but all-in-all It wasn't too bad.

kaseyisrad

Okay I just have to say that I am either really amused or something is wrong with my brain. I spent 10 minutes scrolling up and down the page just because i like how your story is all small like. i must be tired.
I like your story though. I agree with what everyone else has said, though.

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kaseyisrad

Hm, and i just realized that I said 'though' alot. ._O yep, time for me to go to sleep.

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Wakaa

Thanks kaseyisrad from the comment, and I know the effect tiredness can have on you (hey take my first chapter for example ).

Booker41 thanks for the critics, but I really don't understand what you mean So if it isn't a problem could you give an example how I could improve it. I always look for new ways to improve myself, so be sure to comment on the second chapter that I have posted on the Critiques and Advices section.

Wakaa

I decided to move this one here as I wish to get advices on how to improve my writing and I sure wasn't getting any comments on the Critiques and Advices section

I haven't had time to finish my third chapter and I don't think that I will continue the story, but please inform me if you wish to know how the story continues and I will post the third chapter.

As more info about the story, I don't want to reveal much, but it's about a global event that has effected the entire planet. Soon the people on the airplane come to notice that not everything is as what it seems and the world they knew once, may have changed very much. That's it I'm not going to say anything else, but if you wish to find out more I suggest you to read on.

Chapter 2: Marshal


After the awhile the white light had faded and the sky turned once again clear. The shaking had stopped and everything seemed to be going back to normal. Everything, but troubled minds of the people who had just witnessed that astonishing sight.

Ian broke his gaze from the window and looked around. From the looks on their faces, he knew that he wasn’t the only one who had seen the light. It was absolutely amazing. It had came out of nowhere and stayed there only for a moment.

All the passengers were looking now out of the window. Each of them wanting to see a glimpse of that wonders sight. Discussions broke off once again and soon most of the passengers demanded answers.

“We do not know what it was,” one stewardess tried to explain.

“Shut it you tramp!” An angry passenger shouted. “The plane should have landed five hours ago!”

“You need to calm down and wait furthermore instructions from the Captain,” another stewardess pleaded.

But unfortunately it was too late for reasoning. Things were going out of control, as the passengers kept demanding answers. Soon it seemed that a mutiny was at hand.

It was at that moment that a passenger from the back of the plane pulled a firearm and cried, “Everyone calm down!”

Ian was shocked to see that the man was the same guy who was wearing the NY cap.

“There is no need to panic, I am an U.S Marshal,” he showed his badge.

“I’m under the jurisdiction of the United States. I’m assigned here to keep things in control.”

“Bull, he’s a terrorist I tell you!” The big angry man cried.

“Sir I assure you that I’m not a terrorist. Now I ask you to sit down and calm yourself,” the Marshal said as he drew his weapon back.

“I’m not going to take orders from a terrorist!”

“Man sit’s your ass down! I mean look at him, do he look like a terrorist to you?” A short African-American man snapped.

“Listen! You all need to calm down right now!” The Marshal shouted as he lost his patience.

Unwillingly the large man returned to his seat, as so did Ian as well.

“Now, there is no reason for panicking. All we hit was some air pockets, and as strong they might have felt, I assure you that they where nothing, but air pockets.”

“What about the light!” Someone at the back added.

“The light was nothing, but probably a flash of lighting.”

“Do you see any storm clouds nearby? Cause I don’t!” The same person added.

“Look sir, after we land you can claim the light to be the Flying Dutch for all I care. But for now we call it a lighting,” the Marshal looked around. “Now I suggest that we let the flight crew to do their job, so all this can end safely.”

A stewardess came to whisper something to the Marshal’s ear. From the looks on his face, the news wasn’t something he was expecting to hear.

“Listen up; unfortunately there is no meal in reserve. But those who still want non-alcoholic drinks or some small food like pretzels or peanuts there are still some,” he explained.

“I would like pretzels,” the Hawaiian guy said.

“Alright the stewardess will soon serve you, but until then I ask you to sit and wait patiently.”

Moments passed and the passengers fell calm. Still there was tension in the air. The Marshal walked back and forth the aisle every now and then. He still wore the NY cap, but now Ian could see that he had short black hair and recently cut facial hair.

Soon the Hawaiian guy got his pretzels and Ian got himself the same lame mango juice. But during all this craziness, he didn’t even taste the after flavor.

“I bet that in the First-Class things are much better than here,” the Hawaiian said.

“I think that’s the least of our problems,” a skinny man peeked from the back row suddenly.

Ian felt like there was enough bad news. He didn’t know if he could bear anymore of it.

“What do you mean?” The round guy inquired.

“We have been flying over 20 hours. If I understand correctly our flight should have lasted only for 11 hours.”

“Yeah so?” The Hawaiian said as he didn’t get the point.

“The fuel,” Ian said.

“Yes the fuel. The plane wasn’t filled for a flight this long.”

“This isn’t good,” the round fellow said nervously.

“How long do you think the fuel will last?” Ian glanced back at the skinny man.

“Not long, son. Not long,” the skinny man leaned back.

After an hour had gone by, and the Marshal had sat down, it seemed that things were finally going back to normal. Ian passed his time by drawing more on his booklet. He didn’t dare to look at the picture he had drawn previously, nor did he dare to draw something that popped to his mind.

He was drawing his comic book characters when suddenly someone stopped next to the Hawaiian’s seat. When He looked up he noticed that it was the Marshal.

“Is there a problem?” The Hawaiian asked.

The Marshal was silent for awhile. He gazed at Ian for a second before saying, “no everything is fine.” After that he simply walked off.

Ian knew now for a fact that the Marshal had been looking at him previously. But still, he was left to ponder the sudden interest the man had on him.

Soon enough, those who had to use the toilet were given the permission. Ian sat up quickly, but to his bad luck a long line had already formed in front of the toilet.

Ian waited patiently as the line didn’t seem to move at all. He saw how the brunette stood in front part of the line. She was still talking with the blond haired dude; he too didn’t seem to get his eyes off her. Though Ian didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he actually was a little jealous.

Although he was considerably good looking and at his best moments even charming, he never had luck with the ladies. But most of the time Ian felt like he didn’t have any time for a girlfriend. One night stands to him weren’t an option as they weren’t his style and he respected women too much to pursue that path.

The line shortened after a long moment. During this entire time he had noticed how the Marshal had kept a close eye on him. If the situation were any different, Ian would have been nervous about this fact. But in truth now he found it only annoying. His mind was still troubled by the flue shortage and he knew very well that all the other problems were nothing compared to it.

He forgot all those problems for a moment as the brunette walked by. She took a quick glance at him and as soon she did so he quickly withdraw his gaze.


Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and noticed that it was the African-American man who had defended the Marshal awhile ago.

“Hey my man,” the man said. “How you holding up?”

“I—I’m fine. I mean considering the circumstances.”

“Tell me about it brother. The name is Dwight Bern, but between brothers I’m a called Detroit.”

“I’m Ian Ashmore.”

“So what you think? This is the work of terrorist or some other Islamic group?”

Ian fell silent; he quickly exchanged a glance with the Marshal. The Marshal was still keeping his eye on him. Now that he heard the word, Islam, he had some idea why the he had kept an eye on him.

“Ey, my man you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Ian said as he broke off from the line. “I don’t think I’m going to need the toilet.”

He returned to his seat and buckled his seatbelt. He knew that he had to lay low now. He had already unwillingly drawn attention to himself.

The Marshal started for his direction. Ian caught a glimpse as he rested his left hand on his gun. He felt nervous, he felt certain, the Marshal was coming for him.

Blam! Blam! Shots were heard from the top floor. The First-Class. People began to scream up there and the passengers down at the economy class became unrest less.

The Marshal quickly started for the stairs. He pushed the people who still were standing at the line, out of his way. He was heading for the Upper Class.

“Oh my god that was a gun shot,” the Hawaiian said nervously. This was the first time Ian saw him nervous. Oddly it quickly suited him.

“Come on man,” Detroit said as he walked to Ian. “Somebody is shooting up there. We got to see this!”

“What are you mad?” The Hawaiian couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“People are shooting up there and you want to see it?”

“Mad? Ey, man look I don’t judge your stupid shirt, could you not show me the same courtesy.”

The Hawaiian fell silent.

“Ah, I think I’m going to pass this, Dwight,” Ian said as politely as he could.

“Okay man whatever. I’m going there either way.”

He didn’t get far anyways. Soon three stewardesses got in his way and persuaded to him to go back to his seat.

“He killed him,” the old man spoke.

“Killed? Who’s killed?” The Hawaiian glanced at him.

“Who is not important, why? Is the real question.”

Before the Hawaiian or Ian could ask what he meant by it, all lights went off from the plane. The passengers began to scream in hysteria as the warning signs started to alarm once again.

The plane wasn’t shaking or anything, and the engine was still running. Only the lights had gone off.

“Calm down, only the lights went off,” one of the stewardesses calmed the passengers. “The Captain probably turned it off to save the power.”

As soon as she had completed the sentence, Ian knew she shouldn’t have said it. The people began to cry even louder now. It was clear that the power shortage wasn’t a secret anymore.

Some of the passengers got off their seats and started to head for the control cabinet. Most off the stewardess tried to stop them for awhile, but as the mob got larger they had no choice, but to back down. The uprising had begun.

“I want some answers too,” the round guy said and joined the rebellion.

Ian was the next one to stand up. But he didn’t go so much for demanding answers as he went out of curiosity. The mob had stopped in front of the control door as it was locked. Unfortunately this didn’t stop them for yelling insults and kicking the door.

“Enough!” Cried the Marshal as he walked down the stairs. Behind him was a tall pale blond man with a blue jacket. He looked at the mob, “you have to let the captain to do his work.”

“Well he hasn’t been doing his job very well!”

“The situation is bad I know, but if we calm down now, I’m sure all things will go for the better.”

“NO! WE HAVE WAITED AND WAITED AND THE SITUATION HAS GOTTEN ONLY WORSE!” The same big angry guy cried. Even though he had a quick temper the man had a point. And the crowd agreed they kept pushing the door and disregarded the Marshal.

“Listen to me! You will put all of us in risk!” The Marshal shouted.

The crowd disregarded him. They kept kicking and kicking. Chaos had broken and it looked like nothing could stop it.

“We aren’t going to stop until we have answers!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that!” The pale man behind the Marshal drew his gun and pointed it at the big angry man.

The crowd stopped right away. The big angry man was trembling with fear. The situation had gotten from bad to worse. There was something about the appearance of the pale man that made Ian know he wouldn’t hesitate even for a moment to pull the trigger.

“Blake, what the hell are you doing?” The Marshal looked at him.

“Our job is to preserve the safety of the passengers John. That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“By shooting all of them? You need to put that gun down right now!”

Blake was silent. He didn’t lose his aim for a second. John stood by his side trying to calm him down. But it was clear that only a miracle could change the situation for better.

Suddenly a young woman ran down the stairs. There were tears on her eyes and she looked straight at Blake. “You son of a bitch, his dead, y—you killed him.”

All of the passengers turned to look at her. Only John kept looking at Blake and there was clear surprise on his eyes.

“YOU MURDERER, YOU KILLED HIM!” She cried and tried to charge at Blake. John quickly grabbed her and pulled her to the side.

“Calm down, calm down.”

“HIS A, MURDERER! HE SHOT MY BOYFRIEND HIS A, MURDERER!”

What astonished Ian the most was the fact that Blake hadn’t blinked even for once. The sound of gunshot was now clear, a man had been killed. Apparently all things in the First-Class weren’t that much better.

louloubelle80

Like most of the others, I like the story (I've only read chapter one so far, but I have every intention of reading more). I like the sense of the uncanny you present in the opening paragraphs. Personally, I also liked the repetition of his name. I can see how not being able to recall his identity would be a major part of his unease/terror, and how recalling this is an example of him exercising what little power/control he has. Obviously you know there are spelling/punctuation issues - being tired will do that to you - so there's no point in me reiterating them. What I would mention is for you just to keep an eye on your paragraphing - a few of them could have run on. On the whole though, I think this had great promise and I look forward to reading your second chapter when I'm less tired and my reading will be more fair.

Lou