Faith9

Ive read Chap. 2 and 1.And I gotta say...That I love it so far. Espically the part when the woman came in saying "You killed him!!!" Wonder who he killed.

Wakaa

Thanks for the comment Lou. And yeah now as I re-read the first chapter I noticed that some of the paragraphs could have went on.

Thanks Faith9 I hope that I can spare sometime to finish the third chapter, then you would know the more important question, "why did Blake shoot the man?"

Wakaa

I had yesterday some spare time so I began to edit the third chapter, but after I re-read it I wasn't satisfied by it so I began to write a new third chapter. It will take some time before I'm finished with it, but I hope when its finished it will be worth it.

Some info about the third chapter, the chapter is named: The Arrival. It continues right after the second chapter and in this chapter the main villain or threat will show up, but I doubt anyone notice it and even if they do I doubt that anyone can figure who or what he, she or it is.

SamsonNorth

I'm fairly new here myslef, (and therefore no expert) but I like the story so far. I would like to see more. I agree with what everyone else has said about spelling, punctuation and grammar. There are times when you are reading a story and these seemingly unimportant parts of writing get so bad that it distracts the reader away from the environment you are trying to create.

A quick run-through of a spell and grammar check would probably eliminate many of the problems and the rest could be quickly taken care of with a quick re-read after you write it. The story itself is fairly entertaining and I find myself wondering where it is all going.

RainyDayNinja

I think the story is pretty good, and I want to know what happens next, but a few things bother me. First of all, you definitely need to watch the grammar and punctuation. You have a lot of comma splices and unnecessary commas besides that.

Also, you should give us more of a clue about what Ian looks like. I got the impression when they mentioned Islam that he's supposed to look Arabic, but I'm not sure. And a real Air Marshal wouldn't pull his gun on a plane to try to calm people down. I don't think there would be more than one Air Marshal on the same plane either. Maybe they're not real, but they certainly aren't putting on a good show.

__________________
Writing a book is an adventure: it begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master and finally a tyrant.
~Winston Churchill

Wakaa

Thanks for the comments, yeah I agree that there are some work to do on my writing, but hey that's why I'm posting my stuff here so I could improve. Please keep posting more critiques and I hope to improve myself on the third chapter. But if you see problems with it please point it out

And as for your questions RainyDayNinja (that's one cool name), Ian is actually black, I agree that I should had given more clues about it, as there is in only one point in the first chapter, when he's looking at himself from the mirror where I briefly tell what he looks like, but I guess I should add more. And as for two Air Marshal's pulling of a gun in a plane....well I guess you have to read on the story to know the reason for that

Wakaa

This is the third chapter, I ran out of time to write it so I had to make this chapter shorter. But still this chapter introduces the main concept of the story and of course this chapter leads to chapter 4 and 5, were shocking revelations will be made. But without further information please enjoy; and remember to comment

Chapter 3: The Arrival


Guns and chaos aren’t the perfect match. Now guns, chaos, a dead guy, a dead guy’s hysterical girlfriend and a plane, that’s just a time bomb waiting to explode any second now. Ian knew this, things where really bad as in fat man about to be shot, bad.

“P—please, I—I have a family,” the big man dropped to his knees.

“If all of you won’t return to your seats right now, this poor fellow is going to be made example off!” Said Blake.

“Damn it Blake, stop!” John cried.

“STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN!” The girl wept.

“P-please, don’t shoot me.”

“Blake stop!”

“He has to be made example off.”

“Enough!” Suddenly the control cabinet door flung open. The Captain stepped out and surveyed the room. “My god, what is happening here?”

“Sir, I need you to go back in there,” Blake said, still keeping his gun directed at the begging man.

“What? No, no one is shooting in my plane!”

Ian would have liked to say at that point, well too late for that, but somehow he thought now wasn’t time for, really bad jokes.

“Look everyone calm down, I came here to tell you that we are going to land in twenty minutes,” The Captain said. Those were the only words capable of ending this fiasco and preventing another person from being shot.

“Alright, everybody heard that,” John said, while he still held the girl, “all of this will be over really soon, but I ask again please would everybody now return to their seats.”

The scared crowd finally calmed, it didn’t take more than a moment for the flock to head back to their seats. As they did so, Ian noticed Blake to lower his gun and let the big angry guy walk away. He also saw how John gave a threatening look to his fellow officer, before he guided the shocked woman to the Economy Class.

Slowly the plane began to descend, the passengers sat silent eagerly waiting for the moment they had waited for over 20 hours.

Not long after he had sat down, his gaze wondered to the old man. He was stunned as now was the first time the man returned him a stare. The look on his face was hard to be read, but he suddenly extended his hand to Ian.

After a moment of hesitation Ian leaned over the Hawaiians lap and reached the old man’s hand. He dropped a folded paper to Ian, and then he retrieved back to his seat where he sat like a statue as had been before.

Ian looked at the letter carefully so no one else would see it. A tremendous shock of confusion ran over him, the message said simple: They are here. Do not trust anyone.

“What does it say?” The Hawaiian tried to peek, but Ian quickly folded the paper and put it to his pocket.

“N—nothing, just the same nonsense he has been blabbering before,” he responded quickly. He became nervous all of a sudden, but didn’t know why. The old man had spoke nonsense before and all those times he had simply ignored them, but why did he take heed of it now? Maybe it was the fact that he knew a man had been shot, but that can be a coincidence right? Ian thought to himself.

The Hawaiian raised an eyebrow, “are you okay?”

“Now that you mention it, I feel a bit dizzy,” Ian excused himself. He headed for the toilet without daring to look at anyone.

He locked the door hastily, on which after all the anxiety seemed to rush over him. He leaned against the wall and once again he noticed gazing at himself from the mirror.

“They are here. Do not trust anyone,” he whispered. “Who are here? Why can’t I trust anyone?” He spoke as if he was speaking to his reflection. He felt at his stomach how the plane kept descending, it should have been comforting to know that soon all of this would be over. The unpleasant truth was however; that he wasn’t all that sure if all this was going to be over, even more so, he wasn’t even sure had the worse part even began.

“Look at me, here I’m panicking just because some old guy—,” Ian paused. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he had just seen his reflection blinking its eyes on its own.

He leaned forward; gazing at his eyes closely. Just as he was about think he had imagined the whole thing, he noticed a sudden change on his reflection.

There was nothing different about it, but instead of him looking at himself from the mirror, it felt like the mirror image was doing the same. It was looking straight at him. What wondered Ian the most was the eyes, even though they looked like his, there was something different, and somehow threatening about them.

Bam, bam! Someone knocked at the door. Ian broke of his gaze and turned to look at the door. As he was about to open the door, he took a glance at the mirror, this time there was nothing wrong to be seen.

“All yours,” Ian smiled when he opened the door, but that smile soon faded as he saw John standing there. “I—Is there something wrong?”
He watched at him for awhile. “Go back to your seat, the plane is about to land,” he said then and walked away.

Ian did as said, but when he was about to do so the stares of the other passengers kept him wondering. Who is here, and why cannot he trust anyone? He sat down; with a deep exhale he tried in vain to breath out all of his frustration.

“Look,” said the Hawaiian. He gestured toward the window. The plane had descended below the cloud layer and they could see now first sings of the city.

“We finally made it,” the round guy smiled.

Unfortunately Ian didn’t share their joy, even if he fully didn’t believe the old man, he had this strange sense. He looked at the old man; who was as motionless as he had been before. There was so many questions he would have wanted to ask him, but all of them would have to wait for now.

Finally the plane began its landing; the city below them came closer and closer. Soon they could see the roads, but oddly there were no moving cars.

“2.p.m and there are no cars?” The Hawaiian pointed out.

The plane touched the ground. People began to cheer, they had landed safely.

Even though he had been all worried, he couldn’t help, but to smile like everyone else. That was of course until he met the old man’s gaze once again.

The plane stopped, and the passengers stood up and began to collect their belongings from the top lockers.

“Everyone, go back to your seats,” John came in. “There is something I have to share with you all before I can let you land.”

The passengers fell silent.

“Approximately nine hours ago, we lost all communications with the destination.”

Like everybody else, Ian didn’t say it, but he knew that was exactly the moment the light had appeared.

“After few hours we found out that there was nothing wrong with the communications, it was just that no one was answering our calls.”

“What do you mean?” Said someone, Ian recognized the voice to be Detroit’s.

“I mean that we don’t know what is going on, but unfortunately as no one is answering our calls, there is no landing platform waiting for us,” John spoke slowly. “This means that we have to use the emergency slides.”

Needless to say, not everyone was very excited about this.

Soon John, Blake and the other flight attendants began to guide the passengers to the landing slides. Everything went so fast, before he knew it, it was his turn to slide down and set his foot on the ground after so long.

Relief poured over him as he gazed at the beautiful clear sky, where the sun shinned so brilliantly. His ears cherished the silence of the outdoors, apart for the passengers there was no other sound.

He looked around, come to think of everything was too quiet. There was no bird to be seen on the sky, no honking of cars, no other airplanes preparing for departure or landing. His eye turned to the airport, where he saw no signs of activity. The whole place looked like it had been deserted along ago.

“What the hell is going on?” Detroit looked around.

The way each passenger slid off from the plane, they came to notice that there was something wrong.

“I can’t get a hold of my wife,” one passenger panicked.

“Me either, my husband’s phone rings, but he isn’t answering.”

As everyone else began to dial their phones and soon notice that no one was answering, it was Ian’s turn to make the one phone call his entire visit to U.S depended on.

The phone rang, but like everyone had said, no one answered. His heart began to jump like the way it had when he had seen the light. Throwing his hands first, he fell to the ground. It felt like his entire world was collapsing, it was as if everybody else had vanished. Where, was everybody?

“My man, are you alright?” Detroit walked to him.

“N—no, I’m not,” Ian said. He stood up and quickly began to run.

“Hey where you going?” Detroit cried after him.

Ian didn’t answer him; there was something he had to find out, something that had made him to come to San Francisco in the first place.