Re: Part One of my romantic story - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

JWalker · 03-10-2008, 12:20 PM

Okay here's the new version of my story. I kept some parts and changed some, let me know what ya'll think? Thanx

PART ONE

As Susan walked out of the room Mark followed behind her. She hoped everything would go right this time. She badly wanted a child especially after having two miscarriages. As they drove home, Susan was deep in thought. The first miscarriage hadn't affected her much, only weeks later she was back to work. She had always dreamt of being a fashion designer, and her dreams came through when she was offered a job; which entailed her to travel over Europe be apart of different fashion shows.

She hadn't worked in the last three years, which was when she had her lost her second child. She had been five months pregnant, and had collapsed whilst at work one day. By the time she had arrived in the hospital, she had lost the baby, and the doctors had to operate to take the small baby out. It was so hard for Susan to get back to normal life; she kept blaming herself for losing another baby, but Mark was there to help her through the pain, and guilt she was feeling. Their relationship had grown strong since then, and now she was eight months gone, and everything was going okay this time.

When they arrived home, Susan ran into the toilet; the nausea was horrible this time around. When she was pregnant, the other times, she hadn't been as sick. It felt strange now. Mark was excited, when he found out Susan was pregnant for the first time; the look in his eyes of pure delight. He had always wanted to have children, especially coming from a big family of six sisters and four brothers; he was always surrounded by people growing up. Susan on the other hand, had come from a small family; her parents only had two children, both were girls.

Mark went upstairs to change into his working clothes; he could only get off for a few hours. Minutes later he walked into the bathroom, and bent down where Susan sat.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“Yeah, I'll be okay. I still have a few weeks to go until this baby comes out”
Mark smiled and kissed Susan on her forehead. As he got up to leave the room he said goodbye, then he was gone. She got up and made her way downstairs to the new dining area. She had complained to Mark, that they didn't have anywhere to relax, and invite friends over for dinner.
She sat on the couch to watch a re-run of Fair City when she felt a sharp pain in her womb. She cursed aloud; she didn't know what was happening. She reached for her mobile phone that was lying beside her, and rang for an ambulance.

It took ten minutes for them to arrive. The traffic had turned into a nightmare recently, especially as Dublin was undergoing copious amounts of road construction. As the ambulance men struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, a crowd had gathered around to watch. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down, and brought her to hospital.

***

Susan screamed in anguish as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for several hours, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. The pain was unbelievably sore, and Susan didn't know if she could keep going; she just wanted it to be over.
"That's it Susan, you're doing great, keep pushing now," said the nurse standing on the left hand side of the bed. Susan squeezed the hand of the nurse.

After being in labour for half the night, Susan gave birth to a boy. Tears rolled down Susan's face, as her baby was taken away; she hoped he was alright. She had given birth three weeks before she was due, and now she was worried that something was wrong.
An hour later the nurse came back.
"Is my baby okay," Susan asked.
"He's doing great. We just have keep him for observation,"
Susan felt relief as she listened to the nurse.
"In a few hours, I'll bring you to see him ok?"
"Thank you,".
Moments later the nurse left the room, and Mark arrived. He felt guilty that he wasn’t with her as she gave birth.
"I'm so sorry Suzie, I went out with the lads after work, and when I came home home you weren’t there. I started ringing everyone and they didn't know where you were, then the hospital rang,"
"It's okay," paused Susan. "Everything is going to be okay,"
Mark passionately kissed Susan.

Six hours later, the nurse returned, and brought Susan and Mark to see their baby boy. Tears came to Susan's eyes as she caught a glimpse of her son through the incubator.
"Hello there,” Mark hesitated. “I'm your daddy," He looked at his son; tubes sticking out of his nose. His gaze turned to his wife.
"He'll be okay,"
"I hope so 'coz I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him," tears fell down Susan's face as she looked down at her son.
Hours passed as both Susan and Mark, watched as the nurses kept a close eye of their baby boy, while he slept soundly.
"I can't believe we did it, and he's ours. I'm glad he's here," said Mark as he looked at Susan; her eyes filled with tears of joy.

***

Susan lay underneath the covers, resting herself after waking up twice during the night to feed baby Max. He was three months now, and he was doing great; even though he didn't sleep much at night.
At last I can relax she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close. A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.
"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired".
He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the house.
Susan got up out of bed as Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take him.
Mark kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek, and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work.

Susan couldn't stop picking Max up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.
They had been friends since college, but didn't get together until after. It was hard as Susan was constantly in Europe, and they hardly got to see each other. Susan was constantly going to Europe and Mark was at home in Ireland working. But they made their relationship work by ringing each other everyday and spending as much time as they could together.

***

Susan lay Max down into pram so he could rest. It wouldn't be long until he would go asleep, since he had woken up four times last night. Susan dreamily looked down at him as she starting cleaning the dishes that were in the sink from last night and this morning. Susan had gone to bed the same time Max had and she had forgotten to clean up.

Standing at the sink Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. Finally he was drifting off to sleep; Susan took him into her arms and walked upstairs. She bent down and carefully placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound and as she looked around her a shiver went down her spine. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her. She continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the house so that it was spotless.

There was silence throughout the whole house, Susan felt herself shiver. Why do I feel like there's something wrong?
Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound. This was strange, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.

Nervously she went upstairs and pushed the door open slowly, she looked down at Max. She couldn't see him moving at all, she picked him up out of the cot and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Susan was overcome with shock and couldn't breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.

Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.

“Oh my God… what happened,” Mark asked with a shocked look on his face. He knelt down to Susan. The look on Susan's face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don't know, I really don't know," replied Susan shaking her head.

Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn't stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.

“We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can't just stay here and do nothing,” said Mark as he tried to breathe.

***

It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in - what used to be the Max's bedroom. She hadn't slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since Max died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. It was raining again, somehow, this was the only time Susan could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was calming.

She walked back into her bedroom where Mark lay facing the window, fast asleep. She couldn't understand how he could sleep at night knowing that his son was gone forever. Lately their marriage had fallen apart, all the arguments about how Susan should move on and forget. There was no way that she could forget their baby. It was all her fault that he was gone, and that he would never come back. Mark had tried to make her realise that there was nothing she could have done but, every time he said that Susan would start crying, and push Mark away if he tried to touch her.

Mark had never showed his true feelings about what happened, and that was just his way of dealing with things. Mark lay there, thinking if he should leave, and let Susan grieve in her own time. He couldn't stand by, and watch as the love of his life became more depressed.

JWalker · 03-10-2008, 02:32 PM

People please comment on this???

Leamadzw · 03-10-2008, 03:03 PM

Ok, the dialgoue is definately better. And i can see the story clearly in my head, so a good improvement but still so much more needs changing. You are very good at setting the scene and giving your characters a personality, but the way you narrate the story is tedious. The history of Susan's past goes on for too long. Her hopes and dreams of being a fashion designer have nothing to do with this part of the story, therefore making it not needed. You have made a nice point of the miscarriage she experienced at work, and it becomes obvious to the reader the pain they have gone through in the past. But it only needs to be mentioned once or twice she had an actual miscarriage. You could use other words instead in some places like, "their loss". Like in this situation, rather than saying, "after the miscarriage", you could say, "after their loss".

Also use "paramedics" instead of "the ambulance men".

On a whole, good improvement, but there's too much explaination at the beginning about things that are not important.

joifulartist84 · 03-11-2008, 12:51 AM

It's better. I agree with Leamadzw on... everything she said.

It really needs to be injected with more emotion.
I can't think of anything specific to tell you right now (so late.... brain hurts...). Read Damien.'s story "Light Bulbs" and Angel101's "Sleep" in the short stories section. Both are about loss and are super-charged with emotion. Maybe reading it will help you more than what I can tell you.

Joi

JWalker · 03-11-2008, 03:35 PM

Okay here's a revised version for ya'll to read. Please comment good or bad thx

As Susan walked out of the room Mark followed behind her. She hoped everything go right this time. She badly wanted a child, especially after her miscarriage three years ago. She had been five months pregnant, and had collapsed whilst at work one day. As she was brought to the hospital, she was in tears, and her stomach was so painful. By the time she had arrived, she had lost the baby, and the doctors had to operate to take the small baby out. It had been so hard for her to get back to normal life; she kept blaming herself for what happened, but Mark was there to help her through the guilt she was feeling. Their relationship had grown strong since then, and now she was eight months gone.

As they arrived home, Susan ran into the toilet; the nausea was horrible this time around. When she was pregnant, the last time, she hadn't been as sick. It felt strange now. Mark was excited, when he found out Susan was pregnant for the first time; the look in his eyes of pure delight. He had always wanted to have children, especially coming from a big family of six sisters and four brothers; he was always surrounded by people growing up. Whereas Susan on the other hand, had come from a small family; her parents only had two children, both were girls.

Mark went upstairs to change into his working clothes; he could only get off for a few hours. Minutes later he walked into the bathroom, and bent down where Susan sat.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“Yeah, I'll be okay. I still have a few weeks to go until this baby comes out”
Mark smiled and kissed Susan on her forehead. As he got up to leave the room he said goodbye, then he was gone. She got up and made her way downstairs to the new dining area. She had complained to Mark, that they didn't have anywhere to relax, and invite friends over for dinner.
She sat on the couch to watch a re-run of Fair City when she felt a sharp pain in her womb. She cursed aloud; she didn't know what was happening. She reached for her mobile phone that was lying beside her, and rang for an ambulance.

It took ten minutes for them to arrive. The traffic had turned into a nightmare recently, especially as Dublin was undergoing copious amounts of road construction. As the paramedics struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, a crowd had gathered around to watch. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down, and brought her to hospital.

***

Susan screamed in anguish as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for several hours, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. The pain was unbelievably sore, and Susan didn't know if she could keep going; she just wanted it to be over.
"That's it Susan, you're doing great, keep pushing now," said the nurse standing on the left hand side of the bed. Susan squeezed the hand of the nurse.

After being in labour for half the night, Susan gave birth to a boy. Tears rolled down Susan's face, as her baby was taken away; she hoped he was alright. She had given birth three weeks before she was due, and now she was worried that something was wrong.
An hour later the nurse came back.
"Is my baby okay," Susan asked.
"He's doing great. We just have keep him for observation,"
Susan felt relief as she listened to the nurse.
"In a few hours, I'll bring you to see him ok?"
"Thank you,”
Moments later the nurse left the room, and Mark arrived. He felt guilty that he wasn’t with her as she gave birth.
"I'm so sorry Suzie, I went out with the lads after work, and when I came home you weren’t there. I started ringing everyone and they didn't know where you were, then the hospital rang,"
"It's okay," paused Susan. "We have a baby boy now,"
Mark passionately kissed Susan.

Six hours later, the nurse returned, and brought Susan and Mark to see their baby boy. Tears came to Susan's eyes as she caught a glimpse of her son through the incubator.
"Hello there,” Mark hesitated. “I'm your daddy," He looked at his son; tubes sticking out of his nose. His gaze turned to his wife.
"He'll be okay,"
"I hope so 'coz I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him," tears fell down Susan's face as she looked down at her son.
Hours passed as both Susan and Mark, watched as the nurses keep an eye of their baby boy, while he slept soundly.
"I can't believe we did it, and he's ours. I'm glad he's here," said Mark as he looked at Susan; her eyes filled with tears of joy.

Susan lay underneath the covers, she had woken up twice during the night to feed baby Max. He was three months now, and he was doing great; even though he didn’t sleep much at night.
‘At last I can relax’ she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close.
A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.
"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired".
He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the house.
Susan got up out of bed, and walked downstairs; Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take him.
Mark kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek, and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work.

Susan couldn't stop picking Max up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.
They had been friends since college, but didn't get together until after they finished. It was hard as Susan was constantly in Europe, and they hardly got to see each other. Susan was constantly going to Europe and Mark was at home in Ireland working. But they made their relationship work by ringing each other everyday and spending as much time as they could together.

***

Susan lay Max down into pram so he could rest. It wouldn't be long until he would go asleep, since he had woken up twice the previous night. Susan dreamily looked down at him as she starting cleaning the dishes that were in the sink from last night and this morning. Susan had gone to bed the same time Max had and she had forgotten to clean up.
Standing there, Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. Finally he was drifting off to sleep; Susan took him into her arms and walked upstairs. She bent down and carefully placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound and as she looked around her a shiver went down her spine. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her. She continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the house so that it was spotless.

There was silence throughout the whole house, Susan felt herself shiver. ‘Why do I feel like there's something wrong?’Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.
Nervously she walked up the stairs one at a time, thoughts flashing inside her head. Slowly she pushed the door open, and looked down at Max; his small body limp, he wasn’t moving. Immediately Susan picked him up out of his cot, and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Minutes Susan was overcome with shock and couldn’t breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.

Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.
“Oh my God… what happened,” The look on Susan's face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don't know, I really don't know," replied Susan shaking her head.
Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn't stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.
“We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can't just stay here and do nothing,” said Mark as he tried to speak.

***

It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in – what used to be Max’s bedroom. She hadn’t slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since he died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. The sound of his cries was like music to her ears, she had been so happy when he was alive. Now all she could feel was the loss of not having him here. It was raining yet again, but somehow, this was the only time she could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was soothing.
‘It’s my entire fault, why didn’t I check on him? Oh God why did he have to die, my little baby’ tears trickled down Susan’s cheeks as her thoughts started going off again.
She stormed into her and Mark’s bedroom and grabbed whatever she could get and threw it against wall, over and over again. As each item hit the wall, she felt a sense of relief, like the anger inside was being released from her body. Twenty minutes later, she was gasping for her breath, she was tired.

*

Mark lay with his eyes wide open, as he listened to Susan lose control once again; smashing cutlery against the wall upstairs. He hadn’t slept upstairs in weeks, since Susan had started getting more depressed. It felt like déjà-vu again. His parents had fought constantly when he was younger, and most of the time his father had smashed cutlery, chairs, whatever he could get in his grasp. Mark had never wanted to be like his father, but now he could see him in Susan.
Mark got up off the couch, and walked upstairs to where Susan was.
“I can’t take much more of this. It’s killing me to see you like this,”
“Well leave then, I don’t want you here anymore,” cried Susan as she quickly left the room.
“I love you, Suzie but,”
“But what, come on tell me. I have never seen or heard you express your feelings at losing your son,” Mark walked out of the room, grabbed his gym bag and started packing as much clothes he could into it, he wasn’t staying here another minute.
Thirty minutes later Susan walked into the room, crying.
“Please don’t leave I’m sorry, I’ll change,”
“No I’m Susan, I can’t stay. I’m sorry,”
Mark quickly walked downstairs, grabbed his car keys and left. Susan continued to plead with him to stay, but he already had his mind made up.

joifulartist84 · 03-11-2008, 10:45 PM

The end was much better. I like the parallel between the way Susan and Mark's dad express their anger. But throughout most of the story, you're still telling us what they're feeling instead of showing us.

I did a quick search on miscarriages and SIDS through WebMD and found that "A miscarriage is the loss (death) of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy... [Symptoms] Bleeding which progresses from light to heavy, Cramps, Abdominal pain, Fever, Weakness, Vomiting, Back pain... Sometimes all or some of the fetal tissue stays in the uterus after a pregnancy miscarries. This is called an incomplete miscarriage (incomplete or missed spontaneous abortion)... you will have one or more treatment options: Watchful waiting. This period of waiting... allows the miscarriage to end naturally while your health professional watches for and treats any complications. Medicine... cause the uterus to empty. D&C. This surgical procedure clears the uterus of tissue. A D&C offers the quickest treatment for a miscarriage.

"Doctors don't know what causes SIDS. It seems to happen more often in premature and low-birth-weight babies... SIDS is named the cause of death only when no other cause is found. To find out why a baby died, medical experts review the baby's and parents' medical histories, study the area where the baby died, and do an autopsy."

Just in reading this much, I realize your narrative has inconsistencies with the facts. In this version, I think your biggest opportunity is your first two paragraphs/exposition (I know I told you to switch it up from your first version but this isn't really working either. Sorry

). For example:

Susan ran into the toilet as soon as she arrived home. Her nausea was never-ending during this pregnancy, even though the doctor told her she would be fine. She hoped he was right. The eight-month-old baby kicked hard as if demanding more nutrition from her now empty stomach. She would gladly endure these annoyances just to have a healthy child. She and Mark were so ready to be parents. They waited three long years after her miscarriage before deciding they were ready to try again.

Her face clouded as she remembered the day she ignored the morning fever and spotting and went to her office anyway. It seemed so important at the time to be sure her dream job, the job she worked so hard and sacrificed so much for, was not jeopardized. She indeed sacrificed a great deal; frustratedly bedridden for days in the hospital while the doctors just said "Wait and see." The eighteen-week-old fetus hadn't even been big enough to start moving. In the end they had to perform a D&C. She collapsed after that, crying most days, unable to attend work, barely getting house chores done. Mark became her rock, consoling her, loving her, and countering her guilty self-reprimands.

Does this help? Same vital information (I think). The first paragraphs still don't fit is because they're kind of choppy; the backstory isn't blended well with the narrative.

Joi

Leamadzw · 03-12-2008, 07:39 AM

Joi, that is fantastic advice.

I really think if you find a way to show us rather than tell us, like Joi said, this is going to be a great piece. Do you have any more finished, or is this it?

JWalker · 03-12-2008, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leamadzw

Joi, that is fantastic advice.

I really think if you find a way to show us rather than tell us, like Joi said, this is going to be a great piece. Do you have any more finished, or is this it?

This is all I have for the moment, I still have to rewrite some parts of this [thanx for the advice joi] and then I'll write Part Two of the story.

Thanx for the your comments and advice I really appreciate it.

JW

Leamadzw · 03-12-2008, 10:22 AM

Just a tip, when i begin a second chapter, i seem to find it eaiser going back to the first. Writing new material, rather than going over the same, time and time again is more practise, and in my case, gives me a cleared head.

Look forward to seeing the new changes

JWalker · 03-15-2008, 12:19 PM

As Susan arrived home, she ran into the toliet. Her nausea was horrible during this pregnancy but her doctor told her she would be fine. She hoped he was right; the eight-month-old baby was kicking so hard demanding more nutrition from her almost empty stomach. She would do anything to have a healthy baby, even if it meant enduring these annoyances. She and Mark were so ready to be parents, they had waited three long years after her miscarriage before making a decision to try again. Mark had always wanted to have children especially coming from a big family of eleven kids. He had always been surrounded by people growing up; whereas Susan on the other hand, had come from a small family; her parents only had two girls.
As she closed her eyes, she remembered the day she had ignored the cramping and bleeding and went to work anyway. At the time it was important to Susan that she make sure her dream job wasn't jeopardized. She had sacrificed alot; confined to bed for days in the hospital while the doctors just said "Wait and see." The fourteen-week-old fetud hadn't even been big enough to start moving. In the end they had to perform a D&C. She had collapsed after that into a depression, crying most days, unable to get anything done around the apartment but Mark became her rock, consoling her, loving her as she got better.

Mark went upstairs to change into his working clothes; he could only get off for a few hours. Minutes later he walked into the bathroom, and bent down where Susan sat.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'll be okay. I still have a few weeks to go until this baby comes out"
Mark smiled and kissed Susan on her forehead. As he got up to leave the room he said goodbye, then he was gone. She got up and made her way downstairs to the new dining area. She had complained to Mark, that they didn't have anywhere to relax, and invite friends over for dinner.
She sat on the couch to watch a re-run of Fair City when she felt a sharp pain in her womb. She cursed aloud; she didn't know what was happening. She reached for her mobile phone that was lying beside her, and rang for an ambulance.

It took ten minutes for them to arrive. The traffic had turned into a nightmare recently, especially as Dublin was undergoing copious amounts of road construction. As the paramedics struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, a crowd had gathered around to watch. Susan didn't want any of her neighbours to know it was her that was being brought to hospital. Both her and Mark had wanted to keep Susan's pregnancy quiet until Susan had the child and everything was alright. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down, and brought her to hospital.

***

Susan screamed in anguish as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for several hours, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. The pain was unbelievably sore, and Susan didn't know if she could keep going; she just wanted it to be over.
"That's it Susan, you're doing great, keep pushing now," said the nurse standing on the left hand side of the bed. Susan squeezed the hand of the nurse.

After being in labour for half the night, Susan gave birth to a boy. Tears rolled down Susan's face, as her baby was taken away; she hoped he was alright. She had given birth three weeks before she was due, and now she was worried that something was wrong.
An hour later the nurse came back.
"Is my baby okay," Susan asked.
"He's doing great. We just have to make sure he's going be okay,"
Susan felt relief as she listened to the nurse.
"In a few hours, I'll bring you to see him ok?"
"Thank you,"
Moments later the nurse left the room, and Mark arrived. He felt guilty that he wasn’t with her as she gave birth.
"I'm so sorry Suzie, I went out with the lads after work, and when I came home you weren’t there. I started ringing everyone and they didn't know where you were, then the hospital rang,"
"It's okay," paused Susan. "We have a baby boy now,"
Mark passionately kissed Susan.

Six hours later, the nurse returned, and brought Susan and Mark to see their baby boy. Tears came to Susan's eyes as she caught a glimpse of her son through the incubator.
"Hello there," Mark hesitated. "I'm your daddy," He looked at his son; tubes sticking out of his nose. His gaze turned to his wife.
"He'll be okay,"
"I hope so 'coz I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him," tears fell down Susan's face as she looked down at her son.
Hours passed as both Susan and Mark, watched as the nurses keep an eye of their baby boy, while he slept soundly.
"I can't believe we did it, and he's ours. I'm glad he's here," said Mark as he looked at Susan; her eyes filled with tears of joy.

Susan lay underneath the covers, she had woken up twice during the night to feed baby Max. He was three months now, and he was doing great; even though he didn’t sleep much at night.
‘At last I can relax’ she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close.
A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.
"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired".
He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the apartment.
Susan got up out of bed, and walked downstairs; Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take him.
Mark kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek, and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work. Susan hadn't liked the idea of Mark being the only one working. She had wanted to go back to work again once everything went okay with baby Max, but Mark had insisted that she don't, he didn't want his son with anyone else but his wife.

Susan couldn't stop picking Max up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.
They had been friends since college, but didn't get together until after they finished. It was hard as Susan was constantly in Europe, and they hardly got to see each other. But they made their relationship work by ringing each other everyday and spending as much time as they could together.

***

Susan lay Max down into pram so he could rest. It wouldn't be long until he would go asleep, since he had woken up twice the previous night. Susan dreamily looked down at him as she starting cleaning the dishes that were in the sink from last night and this morning.
Standing there, Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. Finally he was drifting off to sleep; Susan took him into her arms and walked upstairs. She bent down and carefully placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was so beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound but it was nothing. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her. She continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the apartment so that it was spotless.

There was silence throughout the whole apartment, Susan felt herself shiver. ‘Why do I feel like there's something wrong?’ Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.
Nervously she walked up the stairs one at a time, thoughts flashing inside her head. Slowly she pushed the door open, and looked down at Max; his small body limp, he wasn’t moving. Immediately Susan picked him up out of his cot, and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Minutes Susan was overcome with shock and couldn’t breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.

Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.
"Oh my God… what happened," The look on Susan's face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don't know, I really don't know," replied Susan shaking her head.
Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn't stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.
"We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can't just stay here and do nothing," said Mark as he tried to speak.

***

It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in – what used to be Max’s bedroom. She hadn’t slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since he died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. The sound of his cries was like music to her ears, she had been so happy when he was alive. Now all she could feel was the loss of not having him here. It was raining yet again, but somehow, this was the only time she could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was soothing.
‘It’s my entire fault, why didn’t I check on him? Oh God why did he have to die, my little baby’ tears trickled down Susan’s cheeks as her thoughts started going off again.
She stormed into her and Mark’s bedroom and grabbed whatever she could get and threw it against wall, over and over again. As each item hit the wall, she felt a sense of relief, like the anger inside was being released from her body. Twenty minutes later, she was gasping for her breath, she was tired.

*

Mark lay with his eyes wide open, as he listened to Susan lose control once again; smashing cutlery against the wall upstairs. He hadn’t slept upstairs in weeks, since Susan had started getting more depressed. It felt like déjà-vu again. His parents had fought constantly when he was younger, and most of the time his father had smashed cutlery, chairs, whatever he could get in his grasp. Mark had never wanted to be like his father, but now he could see him in Susan.
Mark got up off the couch, and walked upstairs to where Susan was.
"I can’t take much more of this. It’s killing me to see you like this,"
"Well leave then, I don’t want you here anymore," cried Susan as she quickly left the room.
"I love you, Suzie but,"
"But what, come on tell me. I have never seen or heard you express your feelings at losing your son," Mark walked out of the room, grabbed his gym bag and started packing as much clothes he could into it, he wasn’t staying here another minute.
Thirty minutes later Susan walked into the room, crying.
"Please don’t leave I’m sorry, I’ll change,"
"No I’m Susan, I can’t stay. I’m sorry,"
Mark quickly walked downstairs, grabbed his car keys and left. Susan continued to plead with him to stay, but he already had his mind made up.

JWalker · 03-15-2008, 04:28 PM

Anybody have any other comments????????

JW

louloubelle80 · 03-15-2008, 06:14 PM

I like the changes you have made; the latest version is a great improvement. I also like the way you describe how Suzie interacts with her son, and the way she feels about him. It's realistic and instantly recognisable to anyone with children. As far as being critical goes, my main constructive criticism is to just keep an eye on punctuation (especially the semicolons - they're tricky little suckers), and just to watch the grammar of the third person narration. For example, you write 'Mark had insisted that she don't'. I would tend to have chosen 'didn't' rather than 'don't' as this is the grammatical standard and, though it is perfectly acceptable to write in a non-standard way, the rest of your piece is standard so I think that the use of the standard 'didn't' would be more cohesive with it. I'll finish on a positive - I thought it was very moving that Suzie still woke up and thought she heard Max crying - that was a good touch.

Lou

joifulartist84 · 03-17-2008, 12:35 PM

It's getting better. I just read something on this forum (probably under writer's resources) that said "Writing is easy. It's the editing that's tough." Or something like that. Just.. you know, keep plugging away at it and put more emotion in.

Just make sure as you write that you're creating your own voice, not the voice of your critiquers:-P. Also be sure to do a little research on topics or procedures you're not familiar with such as the miscarriage or how to take care of a preemie - simply for the realism.

And thanks, Leamadzw and JWalker - I like to know that I'm helping

!

Joi

Sam Winchester · 03-17-2008, 04:19 PM

As Susan arrived home, she ran into the toliet. Her nausea was horrible during this pregnancy but her doctor told her she would be fine. She hoped he was right; the eight-month-old baby was kicking so hard demanding more nutrition from her almost empty stomach. She would do anything to have a healthy baby, even if it meant enduring these annoyances. She and Mark were so ready to be parents, they had waited three long years after her miscarriage before making a decision to try again. Mark had always wanted to have children especially coming from a big family of eleven kids. He had always been surrounded by people growing up; whereas Susan on the other hand, had come from a small family; her parents only had two girls.

(Okay, opening paragraph needs all the Ws. Who, What, Why, When, Where. You have most of them here, but your paragraph has a lot of extraneous things that aren't needed. If I may, a suggestion: 'Susan's nausea was so bad that when she arrived home, she ran straight to the toilet. The doctor's reassurance that all this was normal was of little comfort, especially when the eight-month old baby kicked the way it did. Still, the displeasure was worth it to ensure the baby was healthy. The horrors of her last pregnancy spurred her on, and she was determined to avoid a miscarriage like before. This time, she and Mark were ready'. You don't need the information on his and her family life as children. Save this for later. 'She and Mark were so ready'. Save the 'so' for everday conversation, not writing.)

As she closed her eyes, she remembered the day she had ignored the cramping and bleeding and went to work anyway. At the time it was important to Susan that she make sure her dream job wasn't jeopardized. She had sacrificed alot; confined to bed for days in the hospital while the doctors just said "Wait and see." The fourteen-week-old fetud hadn't even been big enough to start moving. In the end they had to perform a D&C. She had collapsed after that into a depression, crying most days, unable to get anything done around the apartment but Mark became her rock, consoling her, loving her as she got better.

(Okay, few things here - no sane mother-to-be would ignore cramping and bleeding for anything, much less work. 'Fetud'? Fetus, or foetus if you're British. For those of us who aren't aware that a D&C is a 'Dilation and Curettage', humour us and put the full words instead of abbreviations. On the last sentence, you need a comma after 'apartment'.)

Mark went upstairs to change into his working clothes; he could only get off for a few hours. Minutes later he walked into the bathroom, and bent down where Susan sat.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'll be okay. I still have a few weeks to go until this baby comes out"
Mark smiled and kissed Susan on her forehead. As he got up to leave the room he said goodbye, then he was gone. She got up and made her way downstairs to the new dining area. She had complained to Mark, that they didn't have anywhere to relax, and invite friends over for dinner.
She sat on the couch to watch a re-run of Fair City when she felt a sharp pain in her womb. She cursed aloud; she didn't know what was happening. She reached for her mobile phone that was lying beside her, and rang for an ambulance.

(Okay, I don't think the first two sentences are related, therefore instead of a semi-colon, put a full-stop. While 'alright' is generally accepted nowadays, I would still stick to the old-fashioned 'all right'. You need a full-stop after 'baby comes out'. Omit the comma after 'complained to Mark' and after 'relax'. We don't really need 'that was lying beside her'. Obviously if she reached for the phone, it was close by.)

It took ten minutes for them to arrive. The traffic had turned into a nightmare recently, especially as Dublin was undergoing copious amounts of road construction. As the paramedics struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, a crowd had gathered around to watch. Susan didn't want any of her neighbours to know it was her that was being brought to hospital. Both her and Mark had wanted to keep Susan's pregnancy quiet until Susan had the child and everything was alright. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down, and brought her to hospital.

(Don't take this wrongly, but ambulances have this great thing called a 'siren'. It moves traffic. At the end, omit 'brought her to the hospital'. What else were they going to do? Bring her to the zoo?)

***

Susan screamed in anguish as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for several hours, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. The pain was unbelievably sore, and Susan didn't know if she could keep going; she just wanted it to be over.
"That's it Susan, you're doing great, keep pushing now," said the nurse standing on the left hand side of the bed. Susan squeezed the hand of the nurse.

(Okay, I'm going to be frank with you here, so I apologise. This has got to be the most I've ever grimaced reading a paragraph - and not in a good way. Firstly, everyone knows how painful childbirth is, so, unless an epidural is used, of course she's going to be screaming in anguish. 'The pain was unbelievably sore'? When have you known pain NOT to be sore? She didn't know if she could keep going? What, is she going to turn to the doctor and say, 'no, can't go on. Put him back in? I'm not being rude, I'm just saying that this sentence is pointless.)

After being in labour for half the night, Susan gave birth to a boy. Tears rolled down Susan's face, as her baby was taken away; she hoped he was alright. She had given birth three weeks before she was due, and now she was worried that something was wrong.
An hour later the nurse came back.
"Is my baby okay," Susan asked.
"He's doing great. We just have to make sure he's going be okay,"
Susan felt relief as she listened to the nurse.
"In a few hours, I'll bring you to see him ok?"
"Thank you,"
Moments later the nurse left the room, and Mark arrived. He felt guilty that he wasn’t with her as she gave birth.
"I'm so sorry Suzie, I went out with the lads after work, and when I came home you weren’t there. I started ringing everyone and they didn't know where you were, then the hospital rang,"
"It's okay," paused Susan. "We have a baby boy now,"
Mark passionately kissed Susan.

('Tears rolled down her face as her baby was taken away'? So, she's happy that her baby is being taken from her? Either OK or okay. Not ok. 'Paused Susan'? What does this mean? Not only is it a dialogue tag (which should be avoided) but it doesn't make sense.)

Six hours later, the nurse returned, and brought Susan and Mark to see their baby boy. Tears came to Susan's eyes as she caught a glimpse of her son through the incubator.
"Hello there," Mark hesitated. "I'm your daddy," He looked at his son; tubes sticking out of his nose. His gaze turned to his wife.
"He'll be okay,"
"I hope so 'coz I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him," tears fell down Susan's face as she looked down at her son.
Hours passed as both Susan and Mark, watched as the nurses keep an eye of their baby boy, while he slept soundly.
"I can't believe we did it, and he's ours. I'm glad he's here," said Mark as he looked at Susan; her eyes filled with tears of joy.

(Six hours? Isn't that a little long for a checkup? Again, 'hello there,' Mark HESITATED? What? 'He looked at his son; tubes sticking out of his nose'. The way this is worded makes it sound like the tubes are coming out of Mark's nose. 'Hours passed...' this sentence has the periods in completely the wrong places. You have a habit of using semi-colons, but I'm not sure if you actually know where and how to use them.)

Susan lay underneath the covers, she had woken up twice during the night to feed baby Max. He was three months now, and he was doing great; even though he didn’t sleep much at night.
‘At last I can relax’ she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close.
A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.
"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired".
He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the apartment.
Susan got up out of bed, and walked downstairs; Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take him.
Mark kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek, and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work. Susan hadn't liked the idea of Mark being the only one working. She had wanted to go back to work again once everything went okay with baby Max, but Mark had insisted that she don't, he didn't want his son with anyone else but his wife.

Susan couldn't stop picking Max up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.
They had been friends since college, but didn't get together until after they finished. It was hard as Susan was constantly in Europe, and they hardly got to see each other. But they made their relationship work by ringing each other everyday and spending as much time as they could together.

***

Susan lay Max down into pram so he could rest. It wouldn't be long until he would go asleep, since he had woken up twice the previous night. Susan dreamily looked down at him as she starting cleaning the dishes that were in the sink from last night and this morning.
Standing there, Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. Finally he was drifting off to sleep; Susan took him into her arms and walked upstairs. She bent down and carefully placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was so beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound but it was nothing. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her. She continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the apartment so that it was spotless.

There was silence throughout the whole apartment, Susan felt herself shiver. ‘Why do I feel like there's something wrong?’ Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.
Nervously she walked up the stairs one at a time, thoughts flashing inside her head. Slowly she pushed the door open, and looked down at Max; his small body limp, he wasn’t moving. Immediately Susan picked him up out of his cot, and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Minutes Susan was overcome with shock and couldn’t breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.

Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.
"Oh my God… what happened," The look on Susan's face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don't know, I really don't know," replied Susan shaking her head.
Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn't stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.
"We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can't just stay here and do nothing," said Mark as he tried to speak.

***

It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in – what used to be Max’s bedroom. She hadn’t slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since he died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. The sound of his cries was like music to her ears, she had been so happy when he was alive. Now all she could feel was the loss of not having him here. It was raining yet again, but somehow, this was the only time she could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was soothing.
‘It’s my entire fault, why didn’t I check on him? Oh God why did he have to die, my little baby’ tears trickled down Susan’s cheeks as her thoughts started going off again.
She stormed into her and Mark’s bedroom and grabbed whatever she could get and threw it against wall, over and over again. As each item hit the wall, she felt a sense of relief, like the anger inside was being released from her body. Twenty minutes later, she was gasping for her breath, she was tired.

*

Mark lay with his eyes wide open, as he listened to Susan lose control once again; smashing cutlery against the wall upstairs. He hadn’t slept upstairs in weeks, since Susan had started getting more depressed. It felt like déjà-vu again. His parents had fought constantly when he was younger, and most of the time his father had smashed cutlery, chairs, whatever he could get in his grasp. Mark had never wanted to be like his father, but now he could see him in Susan.
Mark got up off th