|
Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 46
|
Okay here's another re-write. Check it out and tell me if it's getting more readable.
Susan rushed into the apartment. Her nausea during this pregnancy was horrible, and even though the doctor had told her she would be fine it didn't bring her any relief. As she stood up away from the toilet, she felt the baby kick.
"Hey Mark; come up to the bathroom quick,"
"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" he shouted as he ran up the stairs full speed.
As he stood in the doorway of the bathroom Susan smiled at him.
"Everything's perfect," she grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach. Mark smiled back happy and amazed at the movement of the baby inside.
He kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye, moments later he was gone.
Susan walked downstairs to the new dining area, and sat down on the couch. She remembered all the pain she had gone through with her last pregnancy; the cramping and bleeding. When she was in the hospital the doctors had told her to wait and see what happened. After a few days of being confided to bed, they performed a Dilatation and Curettage to remove the fourteen-week old fetus. Susan had collapsed into a depression after that, crying most days, but Mark had been there to help her through; consoling her, loving her as she got better.
Now she and Mark were ready to be parents. They had waited three long years since her miscarriage before trying again.
***
Susan sat watching a re-run of Fair City when suddenly she felt a sharp sensation in her stomach. She screamed aloud and reached for her mobile phone to ring an ambulance.
Minutes later the paramedics arrived and struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, while a crowd had gathered around to watch. Susan didn't want any of her neighbours to know it was her that was being brought to hospital. Both her and Mark had wanted to keep Susan's pregnancy quiet until Susan had the child and everything was all right. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down.
Susan screamed as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for several hours, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom, helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. Susan didn’t know if she could take much more of the pain, it was getting unbearable.
The nurse kept encouraging Susan “That’s it, you’re doing great, keep pushing now,”
After being in labour for half the night, Susan gave birth to a boy. Tears of joy rolled down her face, as her baby was taken away. She hoped he was all right. She had given birth three weeks early, and now she was worried that something was wrong.
An hour later the nurse came back.
“Is my baby okay,” asked Susan.
“He’s doing great. We just have to make sure he’s going to be okay,”
Susan felt relief, but still her hands shuck as she listened to the nurse.
“In a few hours, I’ll bring you to see him,”
“Thank you,”
As the nurse left the room Mark arrived.
“I’m really sorry Suzie, I went out with the lads after work, and when I came home and listened to the messages on the telephone machine, I got here as soon as I could,”
“It’s okay; we have a baby boy now,”
Mark passionately kissed Susan. He was happy that she and their baby were okay.
For the next few hours the nurses made sure Susan was comfortable. The constant check-ups were needed as Susan had given birth earlier than expected. Susan was anxious to see her son; she needed to see for herself that he was all right before she could relax. Eventually the nurse took both Susan and Mark to see their baby.
As Mark wheeled Susan into the room, she was overcome with emotion. She wanted to pick up her son and cuddle him, feel his skin against hers, but she knew she couldn’t especially with the tubes sticking out of his nose, and the drip in his small arm.
Mark was stunned, he couldn’t believe that he actually had a son, and for the first time tears came to his eyes, he too wanted to hold his son.
“Hello there… I’m your daddy,” his gaze turned to his wife.
“You did it. He’s here. Now we can be a family.”
Susan squeezed Mark’s hand and smiled, as tears of happiness rolled down her face.
***
Susan lay underneath the covers, she had woken up twice during the night to feed baby Max. He was three months now, and he was doing great.
'At last I can relax' she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close.
A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.
"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired".
He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the apartment.
Susan got up out of bed, and walked downstairs; Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take him.
Mark kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek, and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work. Susan hadn't liked the idea of Mark being the only one working. She had wanted to go back to work again once everything went okay with baby Max, but Mark had insisted that she didn't, he didn't want his son with anyone else but his wife.
Susan couldn't stop picking Max up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.
They had met each other at college, but didn't get together until after both of them finished their courses. Susan had fallen madly in love with Mark, but not because of his looks; she loved his sense of humour and his personality.
Mark on the other hand had fallen in love with Susan because to him she was beautiful, and his friends could never understand why a girl like Susan could fall for a guy like Mark, but she had. After only being together for three years, they got married and now everything was perfect with their little boy.
***
Standing there, Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. He was drifting off to sleep, the fact that he was sleeping so much was starting to worry Susan a little, but she didn’t let it get to her. Slowly she took him out of his pram and hummed her and Mark's favourite song as she walked upstairs. Carefully she placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was so beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound but it was nothing. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriage, and there was something wrong then, but still she continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the apartment so that it was spotless.
There was silence throughout the whole apartment. Susan felt shivers go down her spine. 'Why do I feel like there's something wrong?' she thought to herself as she sat on the couch reading a magazine. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.
Nervously she walked up the stairs one at a time, thoughts flashing inside her head. Slowly she pushed the door open, and looked down at Max; his small body limp, he wasn't moving. Immediately Susan picked him up out of his cot, and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Minutes later Susan was overcome with shock and couldn't breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.
Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.
“Oh my God… what happened,” The look on Susan's face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don't know, I really don't know," replied Susan shaking her head.
Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn't stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.
“We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can't just stay here and do nothing,” said Mark as he tried to speak.
***
It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in - what used to be Max's bedroom. She hadn't slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since he died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. The sound of his cries was like music to her ears, she had been so happy when he was alive. Now all she could feel was the loss of not having him here. It was raining yet again, but somehow, this was the only time she could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was soothing.
'It's my entire fault, why didn't I check on him? Oh God why did he have to die, my little baby' tears trickled down Susan's cheeks as her thoughts started going off again.
She stormed into her and Mark's bedroom and grabbed whatever she could get and threw it against wall, over and over again. As each item hit the wall, she felt a sense of relief, like the anger inside was being released from her body. Twenty minutes later, she was gasping for her breath, she was tired.
*
Mark lay with his eyes wide open, as he listened to Susan lose control once again; smashing her possessions against the wall upstairs. He hadn't slept upstairs in weeks, since Susan had started getting angrier. It felt like déjà-vu again. His parents had fought constantly when he was younger, and most of the time his father had smashed cutlery, chairs, whatever he could get in his grasp. Mark had never wanted to be like his father, but now he could see him in Susan.
Mark got up off the couch, and walked upstairs to where Susan was.
“I can't take much more of this. It's killing me to see you like this,”
“Well leave then, I don't want you here anymore,” cried Susan as she quickly left the room.
“I love you, Suzie but,”
“But what, come on tell me. I have never seen or heard you express your feelings at losing your son,” Mark walked out of the room, grabbed his gym bag and started packing as much clothes he could into it, he wasn't staying here another minute.
Thirty minutes later Susan walked into the room, crying.
“Please don't leave I'm sorry, I'll change,”
“No I'm Susan, I can't stay. I'm sorry,”
Mark quickly walked downstairs, grabbed his car keys and left. Susan continued to plead with him to stay, but he already had his mind made up.
|
