Jinx802

Chapter 1 - The War has ended...for now

The night was quiet. To quiet. The Dark side had taken over the entire Hero world, leaving every family in pain, suffering and in tears. The battle had started not long ago. It had lasted about a month and many had died but now, one simple little girl by the name of Parvati Johnson had stopped it all. For how long? No one knew exactly but they were almost sure it wasn't going to last for such a time. Maybe 14 years, enough for little Parvati to grow up and start Hero High. Soon though, the little girl would have to defeat once and for all the man who claims to be the Dark Master, the man who's real name was Damian Lewis. Rumors has it that he also has a daughter, London was her name. She is Parvati's age and they will be class mates at Hero High someday too.
"What was the last words we said to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson before they died?" a white bearded man asked as he spotted a very tall, skinny man his hair greying and his eyes tired and old looking.
"We will have to care for Parvati, like our lives depended on it." the man answered painfully. The old man smiled weakily as he glanced behind the greying haired man for any other who could be fallowing him.


"Alright Scorpious. You may enter." the man said finally shaking hands with the man that was indeed the Ministry Assistant and not a Dark Villain in discuise.
"Very well, thank you Minister Clark." the man said simply and then he entered the darkened place a pile of snow white blankets cosily placed in his arms. The room was wide with a long table and a dozen chairs on each side. They were almost all filled with somebody. Their was one big chair in particular that was empty. That was the Minister's chair.
"Scorpious, sit down beside Rain." the Minister ordered and he sat down himself on the Minister's chair. He grabbed a pencil and a peace of parchement ready to take any notes necessary for this middle of the night meeting.
"Clark, you may begin." Scorpious said even though he wasn't the one to make orders around here, Clark was.
"Thank you Scorpious but I nknow very well how to do my job." the man said half laughing half serious. He glanced at everyone in the room before finally beginning the meeting.

"As you all know." the Hero Ministrer said as he gathered everybody's attention. "We are here tonight to make an important disision on Parvati Mariela Johnson's future." he added. One blonde woman, a child in her arms raised her shaking hand softly.
"Yes?" Minister Clark said in nearly a whisper.
"I could, take Parvati in, sir, care for her until she goes to Hero High. I also have a daughter, Jody is her name." she said shakily.
"Ah yes, Jody McMurray, born three days before Parvati, won't that be nice for two girls who are the same age to be together?" he asked slyly. Mrs. McMurray nodded timidly but before she could speak Minister Clark silenced her.
"We will have to discuss this as a comunitee. We will have to plan carefully what this young girl's future holds. Everyone knows it's a very dangerous one for her." he said loudly pointing at the bundle of blankets in the greying haired man's arms. "We will be needing her, to fight off the dark arts, her and a team of three others." he explained as loud as his first comment.
"But sir," a short man that wasn't much older than 19 said.
"Salvin," Minister Clark said raising a arm towards the man. "I did not order you to speak just yet." he added calmly with a soothing smile. The man just nodded, he wasn't used to all of the rules since he had graduated Hero High just recently.

But what was the story behind the 1 month old baby? It all began one week before she was born. Her parents were busy, as all parents are when expecting a child and they haven't herd the terrible news. That the child who was supposed to be born on September 1st of the year 1994 would have the gift. The ability, the power to kill once and for all The Dark Master.
"And that girl, is Parvati." Minister Clark said as he finnished the story. Some people looked scared, others confused but the young man named Salvin was very terrified.
"But -" he began. Again, Clark raised a hand to quiet him.
"Not now Salvin, you will have your time to ask questions in just a momment." he said simply. A brown haired woman then raised her hand silently. She was at the far end of the table and because of the fireplace you couldn't make out more than her shadows.
"Yes Helena?" the Minister asked annoyingly.
"Well, I was in Parvati's home when everything happened. I hardly came out alive. My power is the ability to turn invisible." she said quietly. "I am the Johnsons' maid." she added. Parvati then stired in Scorpious' arms. She let out a small wimper but wen't back to sleep quickly.

Everyone turned to face her now. She had the hole story in her mind. This could mean a lot of things for Parvati. It could maybe lead to the defeat of the Master in 15 or 16 years from now.
"Contine on, Mrs. Asherca." Clark said.
"Thank you," she started. "Well, I was working late tonight, my main job was to clean the house but I forced them to keep me longer. I just knew something was wrong and that they were not aware of the story. That their little girl was targetted by The Dark Master, that she would be killed tonight." she paused, tears dripping down her blue eyes. She was forced to go on though, what had happened exactly that night was still a mystery and only her knew it. "Then, when the crashing noise started I turned myself and Parvati invisible." she took a deap breath and held in her sobs but everyone knew she couldn't hold it in much longer. "I didn't have time to save them Clark, I just didn't!" she said sadly and then she sobbed loudly.
"It isn't your fault, you did well. Parvati was their main goal and they didn't acheive it. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson will rest in peace knowing that their baby girl is safe." the minister said softly as the man beside the sobbing woman handed her a tissue.
"What exactly is the girl's gift?" she then asked her scarlet bloodshot eyes shinning in the fire light.
"They did not say. Somehow she has a sheild. She won't be able to suffer from The Master's lasers." Clark answered.

Damian Lewis also known as the Dark Master could shoot lasers from his eyes turning everything in either ice, fire, goo or any other substance he desired. A other power of his was he could control the minds of people with scarlet lasers that were the most powerful. That was terrible for any good living hero.
"So she won't be killed so easily will she?" Scorpious said startling some of the heros close to him.
"No, she won't. The Master's allies though, could kill her easily. She will only be a child in trainning still when everything turns back to where it is now. We sha'll only hope that it won't be before her fourteeenth birthday." Minister Clark said. "Now, for the second half of the meeting." he said firmly and glanced at a other old man who had been silence the hole time.
"Yes," he said his voice was less than a whisper. "When Parvati turns fourteen, the flying bus to Hero High will be leaving at 10:00am. Then, her parents' protection will break and she will be in danger like any other Hero wondering around the city." he said. This man was a employee at the Ministry. He worked in a important department called 'Department of laws and protections'.

"But sir, who will raise her?" the family maid said finally as she stopped wimpering.
"You-" Clark started. "Would make a perfect mother for Parvati Johnson. We will hand you a list of rules for raising her but over all you would make the perfect mother. Don't you have a son that is two years old?" he said. Helena's face lightened up. A second child would be perfect for her. Her husband has been killed in the battle about a week ago and she would the house has been so silent without him around.
"I will take her, sir. She will be raised proudly but when Cayden is sent to Hero High, what do I tell Parvati?" she asked.
"Tell her, he is gone to a boarding school, you may not use powers around her though. It's the main rule." he said firmly.
"But-" she began and like Clark did to Salvin, he did the same to Helena. There was no buts for this kin of responsability.
"Helena Walker, you may use your powers when she isn't around." he said. Helena nodded, she wished to teach Parvati the wonders of super powers but for now, until she had convinced the Ministry to let her use them it would remain hidden.

So that night, Helena Walker had the baby girl in her arms and was about to start a life of complete danger, love and numourous mysteries that were yet to be solved.
"Be a good girl now, and go to bed." the woman said brushing the little baby's short blonde hair with her smooth hand.
"Everything will be fine, it's over for now." she whispered non-stop convincing herself and the girl that was now hers until Parvati Johnson, the girl who would change the Hero World one day, fell asleep. It was nearly morning when Helena closed the door and walked over to her own bedroom. It was finally silent, something that hasn't happened in a hole month. Where was the Dark Villains now? No one knew, they were somwehere though, lost in the mists, just waiting to return someday.
"Wow, my life is going to change dramatically." the woman said as she fell asleep. The house was quiet, too quiet, but this time it was a good kind of quiet. The only noises the little family could hear was Cayden, the two year old son awake and waiting to be fed breakfast. He didn't know what had happened tonight, and in a few years he would think; just like Parvati, that she was his sister.

Tiamat10

This is really, really clichéd. And as long as you use phrases like "half laughing half serious" I don't see anyone taking it seriously. That was the point that I stopped reading.

Your writing is okay, considering. And I say "considering" because I'm assuming you're young. Early to mid-teens perhaps. But you need to read more books and learn how to tell a story more effectively. And definitely use more care in choosing your words.

Don't give up though. If you are as young as I guessed, then you have a lot of time and a lot of potential to improve. (If you're older than 20, then you should seriously find a new hobby.) Good luck either way!

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DavidGil

Story isn't for me, but a few points to consider:

The speech is wrongly grammatised as it stands.

"We will have to care for Parvati, like our lives depended on it," the man answered painfully.

Go through it and look for things like the example I showed above changing the full stop to a comma. This only applies when you have he said or she said afterwards.

Second thing to look out for, whenever you come across a word ending in -ly, try to reword the sentence to get rid of it. They're not all bad though.

I noticed they're particulary evident in your writing following speech.

Anyways, good luck and if you're still not sure about speech, look it up via google or just pick up any book you have and a have a read. It's a mistake I see a lot of peope make. Keep writing as well.

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Leamadzw

I stopped when i realized the story was set in "Hero World" and a character would be going to "Hero High". I think names of places are important when writing.

When i saw the title, i was expecting the story to be humourous.

Irish_dude

Hi Jinx (no pun intended),

I echo all of the above, but try and take the positives from all this.

I'd suggest having a look at the authors that have inspired you previously and try and mimic their style. This can include sentence structure, words, images, and character development. I remember reading that Vonnegut used to write out rotely F.S. Fitzgerald pieces until he captured the essence of his writing!

Try a short course at a local college, if thats not your bag then check some of the posts by some of the more experienced members on here. I know I've learned a lot already taking this tact.

And well done on posting

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The Alchemist

AHHHHHHH! Generic Fantasy? Come on, I'm sure you can do better than this.

I don't want to sound harsh, but this looks like you wrote it in less than twenty minutes.

"The night was quiet. Too quiet."

My Cliche-sense is tingling. If I remember correctly, this saying became popular after the first Ninja Turtles movie. Don't ever take anything serious from a green amphibian wearing a bandana. You'll wake up pregnant and dead ninjas will be laying on your living room floor.

I'm really struggling to give you some constructive criticism. The best I can say is this:

AVOID CLICHE'S LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Like that one.

I'd have to say that the BEST thing you could hope to improve on this piece is it's existence. Start over, hun. And if you get more than a couple of paragraphs in an hour, you're rushing it.

Writing a good story will consume every minute of your free time, if you want to finish it before you retire. I guarantee it.

I've spent six years writing professionally, and have been lucky enough to get two stories in a magazine, let alone publish a book. And one of them was a contest that won me a grand total of two hundred and fifty bucks.

I assume you are young, so you have a hell of a lot of time to improve. Don't give up, no matter how nasty I may seem to critique your work.

If you are older than twenty, however, you need to find a new hobby.

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A-L

I totally agree with Alchemist the story was really cliche, so much so that I couldn't read very far into it. This may seem harsh, I know, but it will really help if you start over and keep what everyone has told you in mind.

Tiamat10

Plagiarism!

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"I'm a woman, we never say what we want. But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it." - Sliding Doors

omginternetlord

Stopped reading there.

mAMBOkING

don't get too beaten down by criticism, though. all the points above are correct, but you have time. besides working on grammar, you need to find your own style. stick with it

booker41

'The night was quiet' would suffice. No need for a second 'quiet' 'A simple girl?' was she thick? Not really my cuppa.

The Alchemist

Nah, Tiamat, we don't need any competition in the plagarism department.

I had to kill an old lady with no arms or legs to get my last story published. Plagarism is a hard line of work, and I can't keep killing the competition. Sooner or later, the bodies are going to fill up my attic and I'll get caught.

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