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Old 03-07-2008, 05:45 PM   #1
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werewolf story. Prologue

Just a part of the short(ish) story I've been working on, would appreciate comments.

WARNING! Contains strong language.


The Southwell Geneology

" What’s the matter you,
( Hey!)
Why you lookin’ so sad?
( Hey!)
Life’sa not so bad,
Its a nice’a place,
Oh sh-"

Daniel flicked off the car radio. If he had realised this would be the last song he ever heard, he might have seen the irony and smiled. Instead he tore the radio from its slot in the dashboard and lobbed it overhand through the open sunroof.

" Hey!" Carl said, scowling from behind the wheel. The radio bounced off the Cortina’s orange roof and fell to the grassy verge.

" That’s going to scuff the bodywork!"

Daniel glowered across at him, frowning from beneath thick blonde brows.
" Carl...the motor’s nicked, right? Why would you give a fuck?"

" Oh," Carl snorted a laugh " Forgot, din’ I."

" Even if it wasn’t, it’s orange and deserves a respray. So quit bitchin’ and drive."

Carl shrugged and put his foot down
" What you got against music anyhow?"

" Vienna. Ultravox."

Sliding a dog-eared pack of No 10s from his chambrey shirt pocket, Carl nodded, intent on the dark, winding country lane.

" Great song, have it on tape somewhere. You don’t like?"

" No. I love it. That fucking travesty of a song kept it from the top spot."

Carl grunted, scratching at his moustache.
" Yeah, remember now. Leave it man, it’s in the past!" He depressed the dash cigarette lighter. " Live for the present, no point being bitter. I’ve got us a great night planned, by the way."

Daniel rolled his eyes.

" In - and I can barely control my excitement here- in Nottingham! Five years inside and my best mate turns up to collect me in a stolen car. Then says we’re off to bloody Nottingham. Honestly Carl, you really do have shit for brains."

Running stubby fingers through unkempt back curls, Carl leant over as Danny lit his cigarette. He reeked of Aramis and fag smoke.
" Thanks Danny. Look, I filched this bucket in Norwich on the way up, so no-one in Lincoln’s gonna give a shit, okay? And way I figured it, five years inside with no company except your grubby little hands and The Sun, you’d be wanting a little action. I know this place, see?"

" Okay...Okay. Nice sentiment. So, apart from the whore house, what else?"

Grinning broadly, youthful face creasing, Carl shot him a knowing glance.
" Oh, just stuff. Also, there’s this casino opened in town now..."

Reaching over, Daniel pulled a cigarette from his friend’s pack.
" Thanks for offering! So, you plan on spunking your hard stolen cash over the table while I do the same at some shady back alley terrace? I think-"

" Yeah, yeah. That’s the plan. Jesus Danny, you got a mouth on you now."

Daniel sighed, staring through the windowscreen into descending dusk. A sign flashed by. Southwell, it proclaimed, though didn’t deign to evidence the settlement. Countryside, all hills and trees and shorn sheep. A mansion set in acres of estate. A group of women dancing naked by a moonlit pool, houses winking through bushes off in the distance...

" What the fuck!"

Carl braked, the Cortina slewing across the narrow lane with a screech. Both men swung their heads over shoulders.

" Naked women!" Carl hissed.

" So it would seem."

" Why are there naked women out there?"

Too shocked to be sarcastic, Daniel shook his head. Moonlight painted the women’s skin milky, their heavy breasts swaying in their dance.

" We really ought to go make sure they are alright." He murmured. Five years, and six women come along at once. Like a birthday present where someone had helpfully removed the wrappings.

" Danny, wait..." Ignoring his own advice, Carl exited the car, leaving the door open. Rain had left the verge damp. He cursed as his Farah’s soaked in most of the moisture.

" Danny!" He hissed through clenched teeth. His friend had stalked to the hedge which compromised the womens modesty with its gaps. Daniel waved him to silence.

" This just ain’t right." Carl said as he crouched beside his friend.

" If they’re going to prance around with their bits out, it’s only descent we take a look." Daniel replied

" You getting off on this?"

A nod, half hidden in the shadows.

" Well, we’ve had a look, maybe-"

" Shit!" Shock caused Daniel to shout. Around the pond the women came to an abrupt halt, yellow eyes swiveling to pierce the gloom beside the hedge.

" What’s wrong Danny? Danny!" Carl hissed as his friend grabbed his arm, dragging him toward the road.

" Run. Oh fuck it, run!" Daniel kicked into a sprint. Reaching the Cortina, he fumbled with its corroded handle. Carl found himself stumbling behind, paniced by his friend’s tone. He flung himself around its boot and slipped into his seat

" What the hell’s-"

" Drive!" Daniel glanced behind him, his voice shrill.

" Drive Fuck it."

A tortured squeal from the vehicle’s rear. Knives being plunged into metal. The passenger window exploded inwards; a hail of glass and an arm. An arm, Carl noted in horror, covered in thick, coarse hair, knotted with muscle. Claws, sharp edged and black.

Daniel swung his head around to scream at him again, mouth wide open, eyes bulging. Words strangled as a claw fish-hooked him, wrenching his head back in a shower of flesh and blood. Daniel slumped in his seat, what might have been an eye flicking from its socket to land in Carl’s lap. His Farah’s dampened at the groin as his bladder betrayed him, piss sleucing between his legs and pooling in the bucket seat.

" Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh..."

He flicked pieces of Daniel off the keys as he turned them, peddling the vehicle into motion. A snout, visera rusting it’s pasty gums, thrust through the shattered window. Jaws snapped inches from his face, perfect white teeth stained with drool and blood, smelling of Danny.

The car lurched forwards, rocking as it stalled on the pitted verge. A hollow bang and whimper, the head withdrawing. In his periphery, other shapes slid through the darkness. Gaunt shapes, fluid as the night. He twisted the keys again, the engine responding to his frantic prayers. A baleful eye raised itself level with his own at his window. A snarl and lunge. Carl answered by slamming the Cortina forwards, whooping at the sickening jolt as the car grazed from another beast, it tumbling in a howl of fury into the hedgerow, he speeding down the lane. Danny’s torn head nodded its approval as he accelerated.

Darkness gave way to street lights and houses. Southwell village he thought, recalling the worn sign. Sirens to his rear and a flashing light. A police Sierra drawing closer in his rear view mirror.

" Thank fuck. Oh thank you God!" He sobbed, slowing to a stop by a well lit pavement. The Sierra pulled in behind. Slammed doors. Footsteps, hard heels on asphalt. He wound down his window.

" Officer." He said through snot, relief overcoming him.
" You wish." A cold voice answered. Carl spluttered through his tears, turning to face the voice.

He met bloodshot yellow eyes, lambent and menacing.

" Oh Fuc..."


Thank you for reading.
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Old 03-07-2008, 09:24 PM   #2
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Really intriguing. The werewolf scene was very fun to read. Good job on this.
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Old 03-11-2008, 05:59 AM   #3
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Good cliffhanger. Very interesting. Is the whole town werewolf-infested?
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Old 03-11-2008, 08:20 AM   #4
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It was a very enjoyable read you do need to fix up a few things like
Quote:
A tortured squeal from the vehicle’s rear. Knives being plunged into metal. The passenger window exploded inwards
It seems a bit choppy, I would write it diffrently

Quote:
he speeding down the lane
should be sped
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Old 03-11-2008, 08:31 AM   #5
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Hi Rowan,

Good job mate, some very slick use of language, and the dialogue was sharp and edgy. What I would say is try and avoid the use of cliches in your text:

1. If he realised this would be the last song he ever heard (like 50's horror pulp fiction)
2. unkempt curls (seems like a Mills and Boon novel!)

Also, perhaps develop the reasons for his stay in prison, as well as the main character's back story. It will help the reader "care" about the two and raise the tension when they get threatened/die

I was impressed though, looking forward to reading some of your other stuff!
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Old 03-11-2008, 11:02 AM   #6
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Just like the above, I really enjoyed reading this, don't think I can offer much help critique wise, since others already have.
I find its a very brave thing, trying to write a werewolf story, since so many people have already done so. Although this seems pretty original, like Irish_dude said, he dialogue was particularly good I found. Keep it up.
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Old 03-11-2008, 06:45 PM   #7
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Thanks for the vote of confidence guys, it was really appreciated! I actually had no intentions of writing werewolf/Vargr short stories; I'm a fantasy kinda guy though so thought I'd take a pop and see how it went. I don't read horror at all so have no true idea what is horrific and what is cliche but thanks to comments here I am getting some idea. If you havn't already checked it out, take a look at my other (unfinished) Vargr short story.
May have another stab at something over the next couple of days - want to explore vampirism but have even less of a clue in that area! Besides, others have written excellent stories on that subject and done a damn good job of it.
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