Setting of a new story (untitled) - Writers Forum

AnthemBall · 03-07-2008, 03:39 PM

Haven't really thought of a name for this story yet and note i am 13 years old and maybe some of you are older so I will probaly not be as wise as all of you but my english teacher says I am very skilled at writing stories....
well here is the setting......

I could see the dark figure climbing it's way up the side of the cathedral the figure resembled a spider climbing up a wall. He climbed up with almighty speed, but who or what was it?
What did it want with me?
And why was it toying with my mind?
The dark figure prowled around the rooftop of the cathedral watching my every more. I made my way down the street that was adjacent to the cathedral and tried to get a better view of this mysterious figure. I watched him and it watched back, it would only ever move when I moved. So I decided to walk on. I reached the corner of the street and walked away from the cathedral but I didn't forget that the figure was following me. I was starting to get paranoid and started to run. I could hear the figures footsteps quicken he was running to. But it wouldn't be running after me for long I decided to hide in the nearest alleyway and slip away from the figure and it worked. The figure ran on down the street into the night away from me. But I knew this person was smart and would find me again as it had been doing for the past month. But I knew whoever it was, was more scared of me than I was scared of it because the thing kept his distance from me. Even if I ran, it would run aswell but always keep it distance whatever the situtation. I thought to myself maybe it was time I set up a trap and catch whoever it is and find out what it wants with me.

chimchimski · 03-07-2008, 04:11 PM

You have a great ability when it comes to putting your story on paper. I look forward to reading more of your work.

As far as technical skill goes, with some grammatical guides you will do quite well. Some places need commas or proper punctuation.

Try and not repeat your words.
For example,
"I started to get paranoid and started to run."
How about, "I began to feel paranoid and started to run." There are number of ways you could word it, but the important thing is avoiding repetitive words.

I think you have a great talent, keep it up and hopefully I'll be buying your best seller one day!

Sam Winchester · 03-07-2008, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnthemBall

Haven't really thought of a name for this story yet and note i am 13 years old and maybe some of you are older so I will probaly not be as wise as all of you but my english teacher says I am very skilled at writing stories....
well here is the setting......

I could see the dark figure climbing it's (its. Only use 'it's' when you want the word to mean 'it is' or 'it has') way up the side of the cathedral the (cathedral. The) figure resembled a spider climbing up a wall. He climbed up with almighty speed, but who or what was it? (Couple of things wrong with this paragraph, Dean. You've used 'figure' and 'climbing' a few times too many. If you re-word to something like this: I watched the dark figure, resembling something akin to a spider, advance up the side of the Cathedral with almighty speed; but I didn't know who or what it was.)
What did it want with me?
And why was it toying with my mind?
The dark figure (you've already said it's a 'dark figure'. No need to again) prowled around the rooftop of the cathedral watching (you need a comma after 'cathedral') my every more. I made my way down the street that was adjacent to the cathedral and tried to get a better view of this mysterious figure (try re-wording this as well. Something like: To get a better view of the mysterious figure, I advanced down the street adjacent to the cathedral). I watched him and it watched back (it's either 'him' or 'it'. Not both), it (full-stop, new sentence, capital 'I') would only ever move when I moved. So I decided to walk on. I reached the corner of the street and walked away from the cathedral but I didn't forget that the figure was following me. I was starting to get paranoid and started to run (don't use 'start' twice in that sentence). I could hear the figures (figure's. The footsteps belong to the figure, therefore you put an apostrophe) footsteps quicken he was running to ('I could hear the figure's footsteps quicken. He was running too). But it wouldn't be running after me for long I (long. I) decided to hide in the nearest alleyway and slip away from the figure and it worked. The figure ran on down the street into the night away from me. But I knew this person was smart and would find me again as it had been doing for the past month. But I knew whoever it was, was more scared of me than I was scared of it because the thing kept his distance from me (This is a real stumble to read. Try: 'Regardless of whoever it was, I knew they were more scared of me than I was of them.). Even if I ran, it would run aswell (as well) but always keep it (its) distance whatever the situtation. I thought to myself maybe it was time I set up a trap and catch whoever it is and find out what it wants with me.

Not bad for a thirteen year old, Dean. A few things that you need to address, such as the use of 'figure' and 'cathedral'. You've used them too much, and they make your piece sound monotonous. A few grammar, punctuation, and spelling problems, but that's to be expected. Overall, a good piece, but it needs tightening up.

Sam.

A-L · 03-07-2008, 04:12 PM

Your story could do with a lot more description of the scene. (the cathedral, the street,, alleyway, etc.) Also it would help if you put into words how the character felt. Oh, and it seemed just slightly rushed towards the end. But other than that at 13 years of age I'd say you could right pretty well. Good job so far.

Jade M · 03-07-2008, 04:33 PM

Very nice. I enjoyed the story and would be interested in reading more

I wish I had your ability to write when I was your age.

Things you could remove/improve are in red.
Suggested inserts are in green.

Quote:

I could see the dark figure climbing its way up the side of the cathedral, its movements resembling a spider climbing (up - don't need) a wall. (My sugggestion here is to break this sentence up a bit - you could also merge it with the next sentence by describing how the figure climbed, and then compare it to the spider - e.g 'climbing its way up the side of the cathedral, its almighty speed and (insert description) movements resembled a spider climbing up a wall.) He climbed up with almighty speed, but who or what was it?
What did it want with me?
And why was it toying with my mind?
The dark figure (you have said 'dark figure', maybe take this oppurtunity to describe something else about it.) prowled around the rooftop of the cathedral, watching my every move. I made my way down the street (that was) adjacent to the cathedral and tried to get a better view of this mysterious figure (Hmm - try for another word than 'figure'). I watched him and it (I'd say 'he' here) watched back. It would only ever move when I moved. So I decided to walk on. I reached the corner of the street and walked away from the cathedral (but I didn't forget that the figure was following me - don't think this bit is needed). I was starting to get paranoid and started to run. I could hear the figures footsteps quicken he was running to - (You mean running across rooftops? Make this clearer.). But it wouldn't be running after me for long.
I decided to hide in the nearest alleyway and slip away from the figure and it worked (Here, I would miss out the 'I decided' - chase scenes are more fun when the character relies on instinct. Just say something like 'I ducked into a nearby alleyway') . The figure ran on down the street into the night away from me. But I knew this person was smart and would find me again as it had been doing for the past month. But I knew whoever it was, was more scared of me than I was scared of it because the thing kept his distance from me. (Even - don't need) If I ran, it would run as well but always keep its distance whatever the situation. I thought to myself maybe it was time I set up a trap and catch whoever it is and find out what it wants with me.

Few suggestions
- Try to avoid repeating your description of the pursuer as 'the figure'
- You switch between describing whatever it is as a 'he' and an 'it'. If it is a human, then I would just say 'he'.

mashowasho · 03-08-2008, 03:24 AM

What most people have said already covers most of what I would have said myself. What you've writen shows real promise, but it's too short for me to make a real judgement on it! Also, try separating your text into prargraphs.

masho

AnthemBall · 03-08-2008, 04:26 AM

Thanks for the comments everyone I always like to have comments on my stories telling me how to change them I am working on changing it after I write this message. I will post back

mashowasho · 03-08-2008, 04:43 AM

Glad to hear it!

Leamadzw · 03-08-2008, 06:55 AM

You write very well for a 13 year old. As the other members have pointed out, some parts need adjusting, but these are all things you will learn over time. Your teacher is right. You have a skilll