WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Hello Unregistered,
It looks you have never posted to our site before! Why not make your first post today by saying hello to our community in our Introduce Yourself forum. Why not start with your first post today and become an active part of our growing community of writers!
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writing Forums > Creativity > Fiction
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-07-2008, 05:56 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Land Down Under
Gender: Female
Posts: 10
ily aiden is on a distinguished road
Send a message via Yahoo to ily aiden Send a message via Skype™ to ily aiden
Just Love

This is my story i wrote last week. I hope you like it. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated but it cant be any longer than what it is.

When Ash woke up in the darkness she knew at once she wasn’t in her own bed. She wasn’t even in her own room, or her own house. Even though everything around her was black and she could see nothing at all, she knew absolutely she wasn’t where she had been when she closed her eyes to go to sleep that night.

She sat up in the strange bed, pulling the unfamiliar quilt around her. How cold it was! As though there was a wind blowing in from a vast icy lake outside, through a huge wide-open window.


‘This is mad’ Thought Ash.


Her blood was trembling beneath her skin and her fingers and her toes were shaking. Of course she was afraid. She had such a sensation of expectation, of something about to take place, as though she was sitting in a dark theatre just before the curtain swings upwards towards the roof.

And there was someone in the room with her. She was sure. She could feel it.

‘Hallo?’ she said, terrified, silly, not knowing what else to say. ‘Hallo?’


‘Well hallo,’ replied a voice at a distance, soft but quite clear.


And although she could not have explained how or why, Ash was certain that the voice belonged to a large, fat, purring, grey cat.


‘Who are you? Show yourself!’ Ash’s lower lip trembled as she dared to speak. She was frozen with terror as she sat in her bed, feeling the presence get closer. She felt warm breath on her face. She felt fear spread throughout her body. ‘I must not show fear’ she said in her mind.


‘I smell your fear. Don't try to hide it.’ The voice spoke again, and she felt something brush up against her face. She shivered, pulling the quilt around her tighter, still not knowing what was going on.


‘You’re only a cat, cats can't talk! Besides, what can a cat do to me?’ Ash’s voice quivered, she bit her lip, trying to hold back tears. She felt pain searing through her legs. Sharp claws dug into her knees. She bit her lip harder. It started to bleed and she could taste the blood on her tongue.


‘Foolish! Don't under-estimate me. I’m only a cat but that doesn’t mean I'm like the others.’ Ash felt the claws release her knees and blood trickle down her legs.


The room filled with light. Ash looked around; she couldn’t see anyone. She looked at the wooden bed end, and sitting there was a grey cat, its sharp blue eyes staring at her. The cat jumped down and walked over to her.


‘The name’s Rogue. Your Ash, am I right?’ Ash looked shocked that it knew her name. She nodded silently.


‘Well Ash, I need your help. You understand that I'm no normal cat; I can do everything a human can do. It hasn’t always been this way,’ He stared out of the window into the distance. ‘A witch did this to me. I stole her ancient spell book that had been handed down generations.’ He looked over at a desk sitting in the corner ‘It’s in the drawer.’


Ash sat there silently, resisting the urge to scream in pain. ‘Listen,’ Rogue said looking at her blood-smeared legs ‘I’m sorry about that, please, forgive me.’ Rogue closed his eyes and opened them again. The pain in her legs and the blood disappeared.


‘Magic, that's why I stole it. I yearned to be able to do it. When the witch found out what I had done, she laid a curse on me. This curse made me a human on the inside. Because of it I can't act like a cat anymore.’ Rogue jumped onto the windowsill, staring into the distance.


Ash finally got the courage to speak. ‘Is that why you live alone? What about all the other cats?’ She flinched when Rogue gave her a sharp stare.


‘All the other cats hated me! They banished me from the group; I can't return and be with the others until the curse is lifted. For that I need help, and there is only one person who can do that.’ He looked Ash in the eyes.


‘Is that why I'm here? To help you?’ Ash asked.


‘Yes, I brought you here by magic, because it is you that has to help me.’ Ash felt funny but she couldn’t quite explain why.


‘Are you sure I'm the one that has to help you?’


‘Yes, it has to be you, because,’ he paused and looked away ‘you cared for me.’


‘10 years ago, when you were four, there was a storm. My home was destroyed and my family died. I was alone. A kitten no older then 10 weeks old and I was alone. I crawled up to the step of a house. A woman who lived there took me in. She had a four-year-old daughter who cared for me. Then her mother died and she was sent to live with her grandmother. I was abandoned.’ Ash’s eyes widened.


‘I live with my grandmother because my mother died when I was 3 years old. It’s me because I was the one who cared for you.’ She held out her arms so Rogue would climb onto her lap. She stroked him. ‘Don’t worry Rogue, I’ll help.’ She held him to her, using his body heat to keep warm. She smiled. ‘I’ve never known what its like to love an animal before.’ She said to him. ‘But now I do.’


Suddenly Rogue rose into the air. Yellow light surrounded him and he rotated in the air slowly. The yellow light disappeared and Rogue floated back down.


‘What was that?’ Ash asked. Rogue stared at her, meowing. Ash smiled.


‘So it wasn’t a spell after all, just love.’ She looked down at him and held him close. ‘Just love.’
__________________
I love Aiden forever and ever ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx

Last edited by ily aiden : 03-07-2008 at 06:48 AM.
ily aiden is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2008, 06:57 AM   #2
Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 111
Leamadzw is on a distinguished road
I don't know what to think really. It was easy to read and at first i was expecting something really spooky to happen. But then it turned into a story about a cat. That threw me off.

A question though. Where were they? Where did the cat bring her too? And how did he use magic to do so? Maybe elaborate on that. It seemed quite lazy in some places and that part (the cat bringing her to him through magic) did especially.

I think the end needs some more work. It was all over rather suddenly.

Why did the cat claw at her knees? Did he really need to prove to her that he could hurt her? Seems a little out of character for a cat that felt loved by this girl.

Other than those parts, it was ok.
Leamadzw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2008, 07:09 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 13
Retral is on a distinguished road
Well, if you read it all out, you'll find that the dialogue between the two characters takes place seemingly within a couple of minutes, maybe shorter. That being said, it's kind of hard to imagine Ash going from being absolutely terrified to 'love'. Keep writing and improve your skills.
__________________
What if you're moving backwards in the right direction?
Retral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2008, 07:11 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Land Down Under
Gender: Female
Posts: 10
ily aiden is on a distinguished road
Send a message via Yahoo to ily aiden Send a message via Skype™ to ily aiden
its for a short story competition. it can only be 1000 words tops, its already 977 i think.
__________________
I love Aiden forever and ever ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
ily aiden is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2008, 07:19 AM   #5
A-L
Profound Writer
 
A-L's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,254
A-L is on a distinguished road
Well that would explain how abrupt it is. Perhaps you should change some things within the text perhaps make the dialogue within it longer and get rid of anything else that is unnecessary. That way you could explain things further.
A-L is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2008, 07:27 AM   #6
Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 111
Leamadzw is on a distinguished road
Prehaps in that case then, you could remove the part where the cat hurts Ash. Then add a little more explanation.

Good luck with it.
Leamadzw is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:26 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password




Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers