Renos Babe

It's been awhile since i've ventured into this part of the Forums so i decided to post this. Hope you enjoy it.

Prologue
She ran, her bare feet pounding against the stone steps. Tears began to blur her vision as she could begin to feel the cool air from outside. She continued running her feet knowing exactly where they wanted to go. The cold rain began to soak through her clothes as soon as her feet hit the churches flat roof, her once white preachers’ robe quickly turning transparent. She slowed as she saw the corner and climbed up onto the thick railing, moving slowly along it until she came to a piece of over hanging concrete. Crawling under it, she pulled herself into a ball, trying to ignore the large rips in her robes as she rested her head on her knees letting her tears continue streaming down her face.

The rain hit the concrete above her, its soothing sounds doing little to calm her shaking, or to stop her from thinking about what had happened, her mind unable and unwilling to believe it. Someone she trusted, had tried to do this too her.

“Now why such a pretty preacher is sitting on the roof of the church, in this sort of weather is completely beyond me” the voice cut through her thoughts, she looked around trying to find the source of the voice but to no avail

“Who are you?” she asked tentatively, only to have it answered with mocking laughter, she moved so she was on her hands and knees and crawled out from under the over hang. She looked around again, still not even getting a glimpse of the person talking to her.

“Sister you will not see me until I want you too, so don’t even try” His voice was dour, and commanding. Fear and panic began to well inside her. There was a soft thud on the railing behind her, spinning around to look she lost her footing and slipped; as she fell she reached out hoping to get a hold of something. A figure moved out of the shadows and grabbed her wrist. She looked up at him his masked face void of all emotion. Not looking down at her he pulled her up and stepped off the rail pulling her over with him.

“Never thought there’d be a day, that I save someone like you sister” She looked at him, and met his slanted red eyes; he looked at her for a second and let go of her wrist and moved to leave.

“Be warned sister, if we ever meet under these circumstances again, you will not leave here alive” with those words he jumped up onto the over hang and disappeared into the darkness.

She looked after him for a second then turned around as she heard footsteps on the balcony heading towards her,

“Eliana, are you okay, what happened?” She walked over to him, and smiled

“I’m fine thank you for your concern Materiel, you are a good friend” He looked down at her and pulled her into a friendly embrace.


The masked figure watched the pair from the shadows,
“Eliana, I will remember that name, heh, I might even go to church tomorrow” he smiled and moved away, disappearing into the night.

Chapter 1
Eliana stood in front of the mirror wearing a false smile; she looked around as she heard footsteps coming up the hall, fear flashed in her eyes but she quickly quenched it, grabbed her bible and walked towards the door. As she pulled it open she came face to face with materiel.

“good your ready the service will start soon, what passage are you going to read” She looked at him thinking for a moment,

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The Alchemist

Um, okay. Just a little advice... unless you meant 'sister' in a sense different than what I think you do, then this doesn't work very well. Why? because a Sister is found in the Catholic religion. And In Catholiscism, only men can be priests. That's Divine Mandate, as they say. Only place you can find women preachers is in "New Age" religion.

Just a thought, but I figured you should know.

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The Ever-Stone Chronicles
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...formulary.html

A-L

Hmm, I liked it so far. It was...interesting. Just so happens that as I was reading your story (whether she is a Catholic priest or sister, or even Catholic for that matter) I was listening to some Latin mass.

Rahvin

Intriguing start. Just a guess, but I'd think that getting the story was the main thing, rather than intricately researching every detail of the setting (I do hardly any research at all...). Sister/Preacher, meh. It only jarred to me because I read The Alchemist's reply before the piece.

A few grammar slips ('your' instead of 'you're', some missing commas and relatively minor stuff like that), but nothing major.

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Lyonidus

Hmmm i definitely liked the beginning and the myusterious masked character, kinda sinister. Research? what is this thing you call research? lol nah but i dont think that research is really vital for the majority of fantasy.
As for the grammar it seemed fine apart from a few missed commas where a pause could have gone but they were cool to read anyway.
I definitely liked the description and it has a hook so on the whole pretty darn nice.

I'd definitely read on so youve definitely achieved one of the aims all writers look for, a good start with a hook.

keep writing renos.

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"There is always madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche.

"its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog." - Mark Twain

Renos Babe

Thanks, to The Alchemist, it's pure fiction, it's a made up religion based loosely around christianity.

Thanks again i'll write some more.

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