Third Time Lucky (Modern Fantasy) - Writers Forum

mashowasho · 03-06-2008, 03:51 PM

Gate · 03-06-2008, 04:10 PM

wow very nice very interesting who is the "man" the rescuing stranger..anyway
I LIKE IT!!
Brad aka gate7041

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 04:15 PM

wow

It actually entranced me whilst reading it! I mean, why did you end it there?!!!! I wanted to read more and more lmao!!!!!!

And i agree with the post above this one - the mysterious man who rescued her is definitley a highlight and DEFINITLEY something you can explore and concentrate on!

Overall, good piece of work you got going there!

A-L · 03-06-2008, 04:24 PM

I like your pace, though this Vincent character is confusing. Has she met with him before?

Please elaborate, or better yet write about it as I'm sure you will.

Olly Buckle · 03-06-2008, 04:49 PM

Just one thing "The ring he coveted so much", it's in his possession so either she coveted it or he was possessive about it, unless it's a reference to some past happening and should be "he had coveted".
Two paras in a row , one starts "That was when" the other "That was how", I try and avoid that kind of repetition.
Back when (he) could still do magic, the rest of this para. seems a bit confused, nevertheless seems redundant and why "still", then if he had the knowledge to cope with it why consider the hospital, it's the sort of thing that just wants minor rearranging, like, he considers the hospital and realises the risk, regrets not having the power and decides he has enough knowledge anyway.
You pack an awful lot in there, the degeneration of the animals and his magic, the ring, the smell of ozone, it begins to feel as though every detail is important, like his satin suit, maybe it is! I am not saying this is good or bad, just noticing, if you can keep the pace up it is probably good.
Presumably Renee is the heroine, we are a long way in without having learned anything about her, looks, job who she had been with that night, the only clue about her clothing was she had been wearing stilletoes and didn't carry a bag (I thought every woman had a bag, why doesn't she?"
I don't usually bother with this sort of fantasy but the style was a bit more fluid and readable than most and took me through the whole thing.

HippoHead · 03-06-2008, 05:17 PM

eehee

ummm lets seeeee

CONS:
not enough detail on the wolves!
i couldn't imagine the attack scene well! the guy appeared too quickly - heroes arrive late, remember! pan out the attack scene. it will make it scaryyyyy
cliched in a way - too many writers have normal girls attacked by the supernatural, only to be rescued by a mysterious, handsome stranger
a few grammatical no-nos!

PROS:
fast-paced
straight to the point in awesomeness
readable

let us see some more me old beauty

mashowasho · 03-07-2008, 08:13 AM

mashowasho · 03-15-2008, 06:27 PM