JWalker

Hi,

This is Part One of a story I’m writing at the moment, just thought I’d post it up and see what people think. All comments, advice, are welcome.

[I’m sorry in advance if my punctuation is crap. I’m still trying to work on that. ]


Susan walked out of the room Mark followed behind her. She hoped everything would go right this time. She badly wanted a child, and after having two miscarriages, she prayed everything would go right this time. As they drove home, Susan was deep in thought. Mark was concentrating on driving. The traffic in Dublin was getting worse.

“It was about time, the council started working on this road,” said Mark as he glanced at Susan.
“What,” replied Susan, she hadn’t been listening to what Mark was saying. He repeated what he said.
“Oh right,” paused Susan. “Yeah, it is about time, god knows how long it will take for us to get home.” said Susan looking straight ahead as their car slowed down.

It took thirty minutes for them to arrive home. Susan ran into the toilet, the nausea was horrible this time around. Mark went upstairs to change into his working clothes; he could only get off work until 1 o’clock, and it was 12:40 already; it would take him at least twenty minutes for him to get there. As Susan was getting sick in the toilet, Mark quickly changed his clothes, and left for work.

“See you later Suzie,” he shouted as he closed the back door. Susan couldn’t shout after him, she was still getting sick. Ten minutes later, she finally stopped getting sick. She walked downstairs into the kitchen, and sat down on the couch in their new dining area. They recently had it built onto the kitchen, as Susan had always complained that they didn’t have anywhere to relax, and invite friends over for dinner.

Susan was in the eighth month of the pregnancy, and she was still getting sick. The doctor had told her it was perfectly normal for some women to have sickness during the whole of their pregnancies. She had been relieved to hear that; she had been so worried, and was afraid to tell her doctor, in case, he said there was something wrong. As she sat there watching a re-run of Fair City, she felt a sharp pain in the womb, and screamed. She didn’t know what was happening. She reached for her mobile phone that was lying on the table beside her, and rang for an ambulance.

It took ten minutes for them to arrive. The traffic had turned into a nightmare recently, especially as Dublin was undergoing copious amounts of road construction. As the ambulance men struggled to get her down from her second story apartment, a crowd had gathered around to watch. After what felt like an eternity, they got her down, and drove her to hospital.

***

Susan screamed in pain as she kept pushing. Her forehead was covered in sweat, she had been pushing for thirty minutes, and she was exhausted. There was a nurse at either side of the bed, and a doctor at the bottom helping to guide the baby out. The nurses kept telling her to push and breathe, push and breathe. The pain was unbelievably sore, and Susan didn’t know if she could keep going; she just wanted it to be over.

"That's it Susan, you're doing great, keep pushing now, it’s nearly over," said the nurse standing on the left hand side of the bed.

“Oh my god,” said Susan as she squeezed the hand of the nurse standing to her right.

***

After being in labour for five hours Susan gave birth to a healthy baby boy, who weighted seven pound and three ounces. Tears rolled down Susan's face, she had actually given birth, especially after years of trying to conceive a child with Mark. Her hands were shaking as the nurse came with the baby, wrapped in a nice warm blanket.

“Congratulations Susan,” said the nurse as she carefully placed the child in Susan’s arms. Susan smiled back, and gazed down at her baby.
As the nurse left the room, Susan gently kissed her baby on the head. He had such a cute little face, and his hands were small.

Fifteen minutes later Mark arrived, and stood there in shock as he seen his son for the first time. He was mesmerized as he walked towards his beautiful wife holding his son.

"Hello there,” he hesitated. “I'm your daddy," said Mark looking at the baby as he walked towards the chair beside the bed. His gaze turned to his wife. "How are you doing honey?” asked Mark. "I'm doing okay,” she paused. “Now that you're here with me and our baby Max," replied Susan as she wiped the tears away.

The three of them sat there for hours, both Susan and Mark looking down at the baby while he slept soundly.

"I can't believe we did it, he's ours. I never thought I'd see this, but I'm glad that he's here," said Mark. Susan looked at her husband and smiled.

***

Susan lay underneath the covers, resting herself after waking up twice during the night feed Max.
At last I can relax she thought to herself as her eyelids started to close. A half an hour later, she could feel someone shaking her, it was Mark.

"Hey honey I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to work now... before I get myself fired" said Mark.

He had been late to work three days this week so far and his boss wasn't happy. Mark had taken off a month in work to help Susan, and be a family for a little while. He had immensely enjoyed his time off; where most days he'd play with Max, help feed him, everything. He didn't want to go back to work, but he needed to as he was the only provider bringing money into the house. Susan hadn't worked in five years, so devastated over her two miscarriages, she couldn't face going back to work again.

It had been a hard time for both of them. Susan had been in complete denial after her first miscarriage. It had been two months into the pregnancy, when she found out that she had lost the child. She never felt the pain of losing her first child; she had just ignored what she was feeling, but when she miscarried for the second time it had hit her like a ton of bricks; crashing down on top of her.

Now she had her baby son Max, and it felt great. She couldn't stop picking him up and cuddling him. His skin so soft against hers, she was so happy, and of course she had Mark as well. He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him.

***

She got up out of bed as Mark was playing with Max in his arms.
"Hi little man" Susan said as she cupped her arms ready to take Max.
Mark kissed Susan on the forehead and said goodbye. Susan kissed him back on the cheek and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work.

It had been three months now since baby Max had been born. Susan was starting to feel the lack of sleep and the black bags under her eyes showed it. The first few nights with Max had been great, he slept through most of night only waking one or twice. Susan and Mark had been prepared for this; they had made bottles just before they went to bed.

Susan lay Max down into [fill this in later] so he could rest. It wouldn't be long until he would go asleep, since he had woken up four times last night. Susan dreamily looked down at him as she starting cleaning the dishes that were in the sink from last night and this morning. Susan had gone to bed the same time Max had and she had forgotten to clean up.

Standing at the sink Susan looked down at her son Max, his eyes slowly closing shut. Finally he was drifting off to sleep; Susan took him into her arms and walked upstairs. She bent down and carefully placed Max into his cot, covering him up with blankets. She stood there looking down on him, nice and snug. It was beautiful to just watch him as he slept soundly, dreaming about whatever babies dream about. She left the room with the door ajar, so if he woke suddenly she would hear him. As she walked down the stairs to continue cleaning up, she thought she heard a sound and as she looked around her a shiver went down her spine. She had this bad feeling inside that something was wrong. She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her. She continued to clean downstairs, wiping every surface of the house so that it was spotless.

There was silence throughout the whole house, Susan felt herself shiver. Why do I feel like there's something wrong?
Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately. She didn't understand why she was having these thoughts, asking herself the same questions over and over again. She picked up the baby monitor and listened, she couldn't hear a sound. This was strange, usually she could hear Max make some sound but now she couldn't hear a thing.

Nervously she went upstairs and pushed the door open slowly, she looked down at Max. She couldn't see him moving at all, she picked him up out of the cot and put her ear to his mouth, nothing. Susan was overcome with shock and couldn't breathe; it felt like something was squeezing her throat so hard that no air could get in or out.

Several hours later, Mark arrived home to find Susan sat on the ground with Max in her arms and tears streaming down her face.

“Oh my God… what happened,” Mark asked with a shocked look on his face. He knelt down to Susan. The look on Susan’s face told him what happened, the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her body; everything.
"What are we going to do now," asked Mark, tears coming to his eyes. "I don’t know, I really don’t know," replied Susan shaking her head.

Susan sat there, Max in her arms, and Mark rubbing her forehead. He didn't know what to do; he was still in shock and couldn't believe what had happened. He couldn’t stay here and watch as his wife held his dead son in her arms; they had to go to the hospital.

“We have to go to the hospital Suzie; we can’t just stay here and do nothing,” said Mark as he tried to breathe.

***

It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in – what used to be the Max’s bedroom. She hadn’t slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since Max died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. It was raining again, somehow, this was the only time Susan could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was calming.

She walked back into her bedroom where Mark lay facing the window, fast asleep. She couldn’t understand how he could sleep at night knowing that his son was gone forever. Lately their marriage had fallen apart, all the arguments about how Susan should move on and forget. There was no way that she could forget their baby. It was all her fault that he was gone, and that he would never come back. Mark had tried to make her realise that there was nothing she could have done but, every time he said that Susan would start crying, and push Mark away if he tried to touch her.

Mark had never showed his true feelings about what happened, and that was just his way of dealing with things. Mark lay there, thinking if he should leave, and let Susan grieve in her own time. He couldn’t stand by, and watch as the love of his life became more depressed.

Gate

Jw, Good story nice flow .....keep it up

Leamadzw

Ok, i didn't get all the way through. It started getting quite tedious for me with the constant, "Susan said, Mark said, Susan pause *Susans speaks* Susan said, Mark said"

By putting dialogue on to a new paragraph every time someone new speaks, it makes it easier to know who is talking, therefore you don't need to tell us every single time.

I also found the first part confusing. The drive in the car was over very quickly and before we knew it, in a couple of sentences Mark had got dressed for work, Susan had been sick, they had a chat and then he was gone. By this point i had read so many of the "she said, he said" as above and i got bored. Try eliminating those. You have an easy going style of writing which makes for easy reading, but it's difficult for me to see the story past you telling me exactly who is speaking.

I look forward to reading more if changes are made

omginternetlord

Yeah you don't have to say "said Soandso" after each bit of dialogue.

JWalker

Thanx for the advice. I'm not very good with dialogue so I'm trying to improve on that. I will make changes as soon as possible.

JW

JWalker

Does anyone have advice on how to improve writing dialogue???

JW

Leamadzw

In the writing resouces part of the forum, there is a topic fairly low to the bottom (I think) and it explains it pretty well.

I think the problems with dialogue is your scared the reader will not know what's happening. But if you remove the "he said, she said" parts, the read it aloud, it will become quite clear to you when you need to say who said what.

If there is a conversation between two people, it should only need to be said during the first sentence and possibly the last. But that depends on how complicated the conversation may me. Start in simple terms.

omginternetlord

I would say only put writing after the dialogue if it is unclear who just said it, or the character does something worth nothing.

joifulartist84

JWalker
First of all I think you have a good idea here. However, it seems a little rough. Words are not wasted on important events in this story and so I have trouble investing emotion into the characters when I'm supposed to be sympathetic. There was just about the same amount of space given to the baby's death as the traffic in Dublin, and much more description given to the car ride; which, as it's written now, is of little importance. Maybe the traffic is important; it's your story. Personally I'd rather see your time go into talking about how Susan and Mark's relationship has grown stronger (or weaker or whatever) since her miscarriages, etc. I also don't think it really matters what time it is or how long it takes to get places.

There is a huge seesaw in emotion and events in the story which is great but I think it would have more impact on the reader if the events were rearranged. The emotions don't flow very well the way it is (starting off in the car where they're excited that she's finally pregnant, then explaining why they're so happy) It might work better if you tell us about Susan's miscarriages first, quitting her job, then her third pregnancy and the birth. Explaining it this way will make the reader say "Oh, I understand why this 3rd pregnancy is so important," instead of making the miscarriages feel like an afterthought.

Third, you may want to put something in there about Max being born so early. When my cousin was born 3 weeks early, she wore a monitor for 3-4 months because she would randomly stop breathing. I'm not sure if labor usually comes on that fast, and Susan would have been to enough classes and things by now to be aware that it was coming (forgive me if I'm wrong, all mothers who are reading this, for I have no children), unless something was seriously wrong. Maybe the hospital wants to keep Max and Susan for awhile for observation.

And then yes, all that stuff that other people said about grammar and making new paragraphs for dialogue... So happy editing, I suppose, and keep writing!

Joi

Eli Cash

Run-on sentence.

__________________

FantasyWitch

I didn't like it.

It felt like 'Mark said this'
Susan said that'

And you always called the baby Max. You could have called him, the child, the baby. Even been discriptive.

Irish_dude

First off: well done! Some over-arching comments:

• As has been said, less "he said", "She said"
• Try and be more economical with your words. Ask yourself what does a particular word bring to a sentence, or indeed a sentence to a paragraph, paragraph to a chapter...

Specifically:

Quote:

"He was her best friend, her soul mate for life. He was the man of her dreams, and she would never stop loving him"

Why? Try and explore this! Perhaps tie into how she had an abusive up brining and having a "proper" family unit was hugely important to her

Quote:

"Susan kissed him back on the cheek and watched as he walked out the door to another hard day's work."

Explore why he is unhappy with his work…maybe lead into him bringing his stress home and the effect this has.

Quote:

"She had this same feeling when she had her miscarriages and there was something wrong then, but this time she didn't let it get to her"

Great opportunity to introduce a spiritual/mystical angle

Quote:

"Susan shook her head, for some strange reason she couldn't stop thinking negative lately"

Why? I think this could be a great opportunity to develop another angle on the story. Depression running in her family; feeling guilty over affection for another man (or woman!); general confusion about her path/function in life

Quote:

"It was 2am in the morning, and Susan stood in – what used to be the Max’s bedroom. She hadn’t slept in weeks; it had been nearly six months since Max died, and she could still hear him crying for his bottle most nights. It was raining again, somehow, this was the only time Susan could stop thinking of that day; the sound of the rain hitting the windows was calming. "

This is a beautiful picture!

Quote:

"She walked back into her bedroom where Mark lay facing the window, fast asleep. She couldn’t understand how he could sleep at night knowing that his son was gone forever. Lately their marriage had fallen apart, all the arguments about how Susan should move on and forget. There was no way that she could forget their baby. It was all her fault that he was gone, and that he would never come back. Mark had tried to make her realise that there was nothing she could have done but, every time he said that Susan would start crying, and push Mark away if he tried to touch her."

Great chance to tie in some past references (see above) and close the story up nicely

Quote:

"Mark had never showed his true feelings about what happened, and that was just his way of dealing with things. Mark lay there, thinking if he should leave, and let Susan grieve in her own time. He couldn’t stand by, and watch as the love of his life became more depressed."

This sums up what I have been trying to say all along. Why does he care? We know that he's married to her, but at this stage as a reader I have no vested interest in the characters. Think of the last bland movie you saw, one of the reasons you most likely found it poor was down to a lack of engagment with the characters. I try and follow the adage: character + conflict = plot, i.e. work first on developing your characters - make them distinctive. Perhaps Susan has a love of American soaps, a love she developed while being mostly sedentary for the past 5 years; maybe she starts to drink too much, which makes the home unwelcoming and causes the husband to work longer hours.

This is then your conflict; develop Mark so that he started to find outlays for his love in other avenues. You can go down the predictable route and say he started having an affair with the work secretary. Or you can say that he started to blame himself for her drinking, and started to self-harm himself, leading him to becoming an active member of the local S&M scene. This maybe extreme but should give you an idea of where you can do with these characters. Once you have living, breathing, organic characters; plot flows like blood from a punctured nipple…

Keep it up though, it’s a hell of an achievement getting a story down on paper in the first place. Remember to continually review, refine, redraft!

JWalker

Thanx for all the advice, and comments everyone. It has given me lots of ideas on how to improve this story. I'm definity making changes so expect to see a new version soon.

JW

Leamadzw

I look forward to reading a new version. Its a very upsetting storyline and i think by making some of the changes it could be a real emotional piece.