Pg-24-25 please guys let me know what you think - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Gate · 03-04-2008, 08:22 PM

A mid-sized Camry sedan, containing a mid-aged male as unremarkable as his conveyance, whipped into the lot of the Soap-N-Suds Laundromat, stopping thirty feet in front of Lil P. The occupant was already anticipating the price for something so divine. Lil P had other ideas and somewhere she had to be. She crossed in front of the vehicle acting as if it did not exist. The sharp, quick burp of the Toyotas’ two-tone horn collapsed the house of cards she'd been constructing. She looked, wincing toward the car, already seeing the passenger window descending smoothly.
“Hey there, baby girl” mid-aged called. “What’s up with you tonight?” using the latest hip-hop movie line.
“Yo dude. Sorry, but I’m not what you think. K?” she came back.
“So how much are we talking here?” he persisted.
“Look, man, no offense, but I’m not a date, okay? So you know, roll on…awh-ite?”
Lil P never burned a bridge if she didn’t have to. Besides, she never knew who might be another Davis. Like so many who get a closer look at Regina, he was instantly obsessed. He wasn’t done yet.
“Hey, come on girl. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”
To show he meant it, he fanned out four one hundred dollar bills.
“So whaddayasay?” he pleaded.
Charles William Bratcher, a middle-aged, middle school principal from Goodlettsville, TN.had made a fatal mistake while lowering the passeners' side window. He had pressed both the passenger and drivers side windows down. Suddenly he felt a quick, sharp burning sensation just beneath his belt line, above the left thigh. As he was turning his head toward the open window, a curious thought swiftly crossed his consciousness, “Isn’t the appendix on the right side?” Inside of a second, Charles received another surprise. A handsome, smiling young man was looking him in the eyes.
“Hey, look sir. We don’t want any trouble, okay?” Zac said pleasantly. He raised up looking over the roof of the car at Lil P. He smiled and winked at her diverting her attention, while he swiped an eleven-inch, surgically sharp blade across the “marks” shoulder, cleaning off the dark almost black, fresh blood.
Zac leaned back down, smiling at Mr. Bratcher, who still hadn’t registered what was happening. Charles wasn’t quite himself. He felt lightheaded as he met the gaze of the smiling young man. He was aware that the mans' eyes weren’t smiling. Contempt was the only idea Mr. Bratcher could muster to describe the eyes looking back at him. Had he not been bleeding to death, his senses might have screamed EVIL! To his brain.
In a low, sinister voice, Zac said “If you leave right now, this very second, you might live. Now put the car in drive and go back that way.” Zac gestured over his left shoulder toward the traffic light, just beyond line-of-sight over the hill. Understanding came over the dying mans’ face. He thought the sinking, empty feeling he was experiencing was fear. It was not fear. The school principal was in shock, his blood pressure plummeting. He punched the gas and turned quickly onto Dickerson Pike. He was aware now of a lukewarm flood between his legs. A rhythmic pressure inside his pants. Just over a third volume of his blood was now outside ole Chuckys’ body.
One hundred yards up the street, a cream colored Camry slowly passed through a red light veered right, went over the curb and hit the corner of White Castle Hamburgers. No damage. The cars airbag ignored the love tap the car had given the building. Inside the Camry, Charles William Bratcher stared lifelessly at the dashboard. What he never realized, even as the last breath was escaping his lungs, was simple…the street kills the weak...and the stupid.

omginternetlord · 03-04-2008, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

A mid-sized Camry sedan, containing a mid-aged male as unremarkable as his conveyance,

Perhaps use "carrying" instead of "containing"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

The sharp, quick burp of the Toyotas’ two-tone horn

Move the apostrophe to the right place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

“Hey there, baby girl” mid-aged called.

Bang a comma down before the second quotes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

Charles William Bratcher, a middle-aged, middle school principal from Goodlettsville, TN.

This sentence doesn't have a verb.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

“Hey, look sir. We don’t want any trouble, okay?” Zac said pleasantly.

Maybe lose the "pleasantly"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

He was aware that the mans' eyes weren’t smiling.

Apostrophe again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

Understanding came over the dying mans’ face.

And again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

The school principal was in shock, his blood pressure plummeting.

Stick a "was" in there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

Just over a third volume of his blood was now outside ole Chuckys’ body.

Apostrophe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

One hundred yards up the street, a cream colored Camry slowly passed through a red light veered right, went over the curb and hit the corner of White Castle Hamburgers.

Need a comma or a full stop after "light".

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

The cars airbag

Apos' again.

Apart from that yeah it's alright, readable. But I don't know the context of it all of course.

wren · 03-05-2008, 09:13 AM

I agree with the above, but would add that in a couple of places I wasn't sure who was doing what e.g:

"stopping thirty feet in front of Lil P. The occupant [of the car] was already anticipating the price for [a girl] so divine. Lil P had other ideas and somewhere she had to be"

Some extra subjects in their would just make it a little clearer.

Would love to read more - you've got a couple of interesting characters there. Not just your MCs, but even your minor chara in this comes over with a clear feel/depth to him that makes him more real.

shraga · 03-05-2008, 09:34 AM

Quote:

mid-sized Camry sedan, containing a mid-aged male

This was the first thing that caught my eye. too many hyphens too many mid

Quote:

mid-aged called

it doesn't flow well say "the middle aged guy yelled" or something

Quote:

using the latest hip-hop movie line.

try "acting cool" or "he had seen a guy use it in some hip-hop movie" its obvious that he is trying to be younger through hip-hop culture

Quote:

awh-ite

I believe the proper misspelling is "aight"

Quote:

Lil P never burned a bridge if she didn’t have to. Besides, she never knew who might be another Davis. Like so many who get a closer look at Regina, he was instantly obsessed.

Too many questions are left unanswered I feel confused. Who is Davis, Who is Regina??

Quote:

Charles William Bratcher, a middle-aged, middle school principal from Goodlettsville, TN.

It would probably make the writing easier to understand if you introduced him earlier, it seems somewhat out of place here.

Quote:

Suddenly he felt a quick, sharp burning sensation just beneath his belt line, above the left thigh.

Is he wearing his pants really high? That is the grion area not the appendix

Quote:

Isn’t the appendix on the right side?”

It's on the left

Quote:

“Hey, look sir. We don’t want any trouble, okay?” Zac said pleasantly

Are we supposed to know Zac? Who is he where did he come from?

Quote:

He smiled and winked at her diverting her attention, while he swiped an eleven-inch, surgically sharp blade across the “marks” shoulder

Just a really confusing sentence

Quote:

He was aware that the mans' eyes weren’t smiling.

Do eyes normally smile? Is this something he notices by everyone?

Quote:

just beyond line-of-sight over the hill.

sounds like a place

Quote:

Understanding came over the dying mans’ face

dawned may be a better word

Quote:

He was aware now of a lukewarm flood between his legs

Did he pee on himself?

Quote:

A rhythmic pressure inside his pants

Not quite sure what you mean

Quote:

A rhythmic pressure inside his pants. Just over a third volume of his blood was now outside ole Chuckys’ body

Who is ol' chucky is the narrarator a friend of his?

Quote:

What he never realized, even as the last breath was escaping his lungs, was simple…the street kills the weak...and the stupid.

Technically he wasn't stupid he managed to run into a real psycho not your everyday run of the mill gangbanger who would shoot you and take your money or something

You need to really work on this piece to make it truly readable
Good Luck!

Gate · 03-06-2008, 04:26 PM

Iguess the other 500 plus pages need alot of work ...

thank you
brad aka gate

Sam Winchester · 03-06-2008, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

A mid-sized Camry sedan, containing a mid-aged male as unremarkable as his conveyance (I get what you're trying to say, but there are better ways to say it than 'conveyance. In a formal sense (or humorous) you're trying to say vehicle, right? Maybe just say 'vehicle'. Sometimes a big word makes you look the opposite of what you want it to). whipped into the lot of the Soap-N-Suds Laundromat, stopping thirty feet in front of Lil P. The occupant was already anticipating the price for something so divine. Lil P had other ideas and somewhere she had to be (Consider re-wording or putting a comma in after 'and'). She crossed in front of the vehicle acting as if it did not exist. The sharp, quick burp of theToyotas’ (Toyota's) two-tone horn collapsed the house of cards she'd been constructing (it's not possible for a horn to collapse a deck of cards. The wind from the vehicle's entrance - possibly). She looked, wincing toward the car, already seeing the passenger window descending smoothly (Badly worded. Consider revising. Maybe, 'She glanced towards (toward isn't right) the car, winced, (although I don't know why she's wincing) and saw Mid-Age as he lowered the passenger window'.)
“Hey there, baby girl” mid-aged called. “What’s up with you tonight?” using the latest hip-hop movie line. (Your dialogue isn't good. You also need a comma after 'girl'. And come up with a better name than 'Mid-aged')
“Yo dude (Yo, dude) . Sorry, but I’m not what you think. K?” she came back. (Came back from where? You mean 'she replied'. Came back is something like slang. Don't use it unless it's a radio conversation or something to that effect.)
“So how much are we talking here?” he persisted.
“Look, man, no offense, but I’m not a date, okay? So you know, roll on…awh-ite?” (The word is a'ight.)
Lil P never burned a bridge if she didn’t have to. Besides, she never knew who might be another Davis. Like so many who get a closer look at Regina, he was instantly obsessed. (You're changing tenses midstream here. Bad idea) He wasn’t done yet.
“Hey, come on girl. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”
To show he meant it, he fanned out four one hundred (one-hundred) dollar bills.
“So whaddayasay?” he pleaded.
Charles William Bratcher, a middle-aged, middle school principal from Goodlettsville, TN.had made a fatal mistake while lowering the passeners' (passengers' -not sure if this is passengers or passengers') side (omit) window. He had pressed both the passenger and drivers (driver's) side windows down. Suddenly he felt a quick, sharp burning sensation just beneath his belt line, above the left thigh. As he was turning his head toward the open window, a curious thought swiftly crossed his consciousness, “Isn’t the appendix on the right side?” Inside of a second, Charles received another surprise. A handsome, smiling young man was looking him in the eyes.
“Hey, look sir. We don’t want any trouble, okay?” Zac said pleasantly. He raised up looking over the roof of the car at Lil P (up, looking). He smiled and winked at her diverting (her, diverting) her attention, while he swiped an eleven-inch, surgically sharp blade across the “marks” (mark's) shoulder, cleaning off the dark almost (dark, almost) black, fresh blood.
Zac leaned back down, smiling at Mr. Bratcher, who still hadn’t registered what was happening. Charles wasn’t quite himself. He felt lightheaded as he met the gaze of the smiling young man. He was aware that the mans' (man's) eyes weren’t smiling. Contempt was the only idea Mr. Bratcher could muster to describe the eyes looking back at him. Had he not been bleeding to death, his senses might have screamed EVIL! To (to)his brain.
In a low, sinister voice, Zac said “If you leave right now, this very second, you might live. Now put the car in drive and go back that way.” Zac gestured over his left shoulder toward the traffic light, just beyond line-of-sight over the hill. Understanding came over the dying mans’ (man's. Only put the apostrophe after the 's' if it's plural) face. He thought the sinking, empty feeling he was experiencing was fear. It was not fear (It wasn't. Omit fear, you don't need it twice). The school principal was in shock, his blood pressure plummeting. He punched the gas and turned quickly onto Dickerson Pike. He was aware now of a lukewarm flood between his legs. A rhythmic pressure inside his pants. Just over a third volume of his blood was now outside ole Chuckys’ (Chucky's) body.
One hundred yards up the street, a cream colored Camry slowly passed through a red light veered right (light, veered), went over the curb and hit the corner of White Castle Hamburgers. No damage. The cars (car's) airbag ignored the love tap the car had given the building. Inside the Camry, Charles William Bratcher stared lifelessly at the dashboard. What he never realized, even as the last breath was escaping his lungs, was simple…the street kills the weak...and the stupid.

I think you know there's a lot of work needed on this piece, but that's invariably the way with any first novel. You've got a story, but you haven't yet grasped the concept of punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure. You need to read more books and study the way authors write. Also, reading a few books on grammar and how to write would help.

It's a good story, Brad, but it needs a lot of tidying up.

Sam.

Gate · 03-06-2008, 06:50 PM

yes it needs work Iam light years from the finish...I use metephors "house of cards " her trying to ignor the vehicle was the house of card a ploy that was immpossible to pull off so to speak...but thanks for the detailed critque I write fast and furious ....then I edit ...unfortunately Iam not allowed to put my finished work here ....you know but still I need all of the input
Brad

Gate · 03-27-2008, 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gate7041

yes it needs work Iam light years from the finish...I use metephors "house of cards " her trying to ignor the vehicle was the house of card a ploy that was immpossible to pull off so to speak...but thanks for the detailed critque I write fast and furious ....then I edit ...unfortunately Iam not allowed to put my finished work here ....you know but still I need all of the input
Brad