miu_miuKat

OK so this is my book that I'm writing for fun, and just give me your opinion and if i should continue... I have many chapters to choose and this is like the prologue then i have part. 1 and Part 2. so yeah don't worry I'll go in order... here it goes people be easy on me this is my first!!

Chapter 1

The Upper East Side

“Why can’t you just stop?” asked Clayton growing madder and madder at the fact that his girlfriend was acting like a five-year old. “Clay just drop it okay, I told you I never did anything. Also, aren’t you a bit resistant to quit smoking pot? So why should I be treated less with respect,” Felina replied walking through the maze of tourist in New York City. “I said I quit, but you just keep jumping on guys like there’s no tomorrow and without the least bit concerned you have a boyfriend,” Clayton said in defense. “Please cry me a river, I saw you smoke thousands a times even though you said you weren’t. Plus, let me remind you yet again I never did anything with them,” said Felina walking faster to escape the eyes that loomed over her fight with Clay. “That’s not the point this is about you on every Internet gossip forum in the world making out with every guy that comes in contact with you,” yelled Clay loosing his temper. “Don’t start Clay I know damn well what you do too. Let’s not forget the weekend you spent in Germany,” Felina responded lifting up her perfectly arched eyebrow to question his authority over hers. “Felina you know why I was so even close to do that, and let me explain why. I saw you basically give yourself to my fathers’ friend son,” Clay replied. “Clay if I’m such a horrible sluttish girlfriend than just dump me now since you already seem to have thousand of reasons to do so,” Felina exclaimed into his face. “Felina that isn’t what I meant, jeez do you always have to act like,” Clay stopped before he was carried away he quickly turned to the brick wall behind him and gave it a hit. “Clay look what you’ve done. That is not going to heal in time for you to go to your Lacrosse practice,” Talan yelled out coming up to help his friend. “I’m done Clay, Talan I don’t know how you cope being his friend let alone me being his girlfriend,” Felina confessed holding her Jimmy Choo Napa chocolate leather hobo bag open searching for her Blackberry Curve phone while walking away slowly.

~

“Fe--,” Clay tried to yell before Talan interrupted. “Hey, look give her space she’ll come running back to you just chill you’re tenser then ever. Do you want a joint?” Talan asked sarcastically. “Shut up Talan I don’t need crap from you too,” Clayton snapped back. “Woo hold on there I’m not the one that started this whole thing,” Talan reminded Clay. “We’ve been at it for months, fights are always being brought up, and I’m sick of it,” Clayton confessed searching his school khaki pants for his secret stash. “You guys will get over it,” Talan replied lighting the emergency blunt Clay pulled out and waiting for him to pass it around. “It better,” Clayton thought as his head became filled with pure drowsiness he longed for all mourning. “I know what you should do that might stop this, maybe for once finally do it with her,” Talan informed Clay taking another puff. “If only we could stop fighting by the time I get inches from her bed and removing her clothes,” said Clay taking steps towards Browning Preparatory School for Boys. “Wouldn’t we all wish that,” Talan replied sarcastically since every boy in school drooled over Felina Ji Doare, Clayton Helgren’s girlfriend.

~

“Hey Kat, what’s wrong?” asked Samantha noticing Felina’s disappointment among her fox-like face. “Nothing S, it’s just trouble with Clay and well I really don’t want to talk about it,” Felina glumly replied pulling her golden blonde hair behind her ears. “Oo, again?” mumbled Samantha knowing to take precaution when Felina had fights with Clay, it just never turned out well. “Hey I know maybe we can go out tonight,” Felina jolted up with an idea in her head. “Kat, we’ve been going out for weeks straight can’t we just not go for awhile?” Samantha asked. “Fine, I’ll ask Valerie, Tracy, or Jacqueline they’ll come,” snapped Felina offended her best friend didn’t want to accompany her to go clubbing. “Felina, I didn’t… look I’ll go okay,” Samantha replied regretful knowing every night turned out the same with Felina. “Thanks, S I knew I could count on you,” Felina gratefully replied hugging Samantha with full force as they walked into Brearley Private School for Girls. “Of course you do,” thought Samantha taking her seat next to Whitney in AP English.

~
“Why is it that I’m always the one to save her?” Samantha thought taking notes on a rather boring subject yet again. Ever since Felina’s fights with Clayton had grown from cute to scary blowouts, Felina would take comfort in going out late at night and party non-stop. However, Samantha would have to save Felina from going to far as to hook-up with someone stupid and not worthy of her time. Although, she had to do this all the time she was growing tired of always saving her ass and her social life was on the line ever since then. With this probably the fourth week partying hardcore she was defiantly going to pass the next time it was even brought up. “Hey do you have yesterday’s homework for French?” asked secretly Brooke sitting behind Samantha. Samantha blanked out for a minute when suddenly she felt Whitney nudge her to bring her back to reality. “Umm… yah here,” Samantha replied handing her the homework and returning to writing notes. She would now and then glance back at Felina storm away text messaging happily. “Hopefully that’s Clay apologizing so I can finally have a night of peace,” hoped Samantha turning the page to her History textbook and continuing to take notes.

Aren’t fights with boyfriends a waste of pure fun and pleasure when you could be happily making out say perhaps in back of the private schools are so called “privileged” families paid for. However, with more hate running through the veins of some couples others take it out personally on walls. Hint hint, maybe its time to take a breather and explore the other side of the globe, remember life is too short to be tied down for too long….

=D>=D> good or not please comments..<33

Tiamat10

Couple things. Just so you know, I haven't read it past the third sentence.

2. Colorful text is hard on the eyes.
3. Your paragraphs are too long.
4. When writing a story, EVERY time someone new starts speaking, it's a new paragraph.
5. "madder and madder" is something a little kid says. I assume you're not a little kid, and that the character in question isn't either if he has a girlfriend, so don't use that.

If you fix all that and post it again in plain, black text, I'll read it and tell you what I think.

__________________

omginternetlord

Yeah dude, paragraph that stuff up. Makes it surprisingly difficult to read as it is.

Also doing the necessary of starting a new paragraph with every new person speaking will mean you won't have to fill the text with endless "replied Blabla" and "said Soandso" interruptions.

One more thing, this sentence for example:

"Hey, look give her space she'll come running back to you just chill you're tenser than ever"

needs more commas in, and maybe a full stop. (Generally I think you need more commas in your text, makes it nicer to read.)

Oh, and judging by your lenient use of exclamation marks and smilies I'll assume you're a girl, so ignore the "dude" in my post.