Vein | A fiction story about vampires... | WIP - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

king601 · 02-24-2008, 11:25 PM

Okay so I figured I could post this to get crits.. I'll be reading stuff soon to give some advice(if I can)...
Intro:

Quote:

I lay there as it pulsed through my veins. I yell for anyone that might be around. They said it’d only last about 3 days. I hope it doesn’t last too much longer. I can’t breath. It’s getting harder by the second. I yell for help, to see if anyone comes, they don’t. Not only can I not breathe but my vision is impaired. It better clear up, it has too, I’ll die if it doesn’t. That… that thing said it shouldn’t last more than three days. I hear a noise. It’s… its quiet. I can’t tell where it’s coming from but I know it’s getting closer. I can tell… It’s that thing again it is detestable! Gah, it makes me so mad.

Finally it’s over. I’m abandoned at the end of a country road. There isn’t a soul around. That is at least not including me, but only if I have a soul. I want revenge. They locked me in a cage. In a cage what the heck did they think I was an experiment? No one ever locks anyone in a cage anymore. That was my last straw. I will snap those necks if it’s the last thing I ever do.

They say that vampires are immortal. But I know different because I’m a vampire now I guess. At least I think that’s what the freaking experiment was about. Oh how I want to get revenge. I’m thirsty and I have an urge. It’s growing bigger by the second. I can’t explain the sensation that I’m feeling. I’ve tried everything in the cupboard but its still there. I’ve heard stories about vampires needing blood to survive. No, I won’t kill innocent people. I can’t. I must not. It won’t do me any good if I do kill them I only want to kill those that used me ugh.

Chapter 1:

Quote:

I started out. Not knowing where I was going. Step by step I’d take it until I would receive the revenge they seek. You can call me the seeker I guess. My real name is, well was, Jacob but call me Seeker because I’m seeking revenge.

It was Friday night when I met those things. Who knows what the heck they are. Anyway, I looked around at the setting that night. The eerie silence brought me out of my house. I like it quiet. No drug addicts, nobody really was there and that was good. Huddled around a barrel with what, I’m guessing was fire there was a group of people… 5 from what I can remember. So anyways, It was cold and I’m thinking I should go over there and see if they were doing anything wrong. By the time I decided to walk over there all 5 of them walk up to me. They decided to take me captive. This is my story, this is why I want revenge, and this is why I hate vampires.

Deciding whether or not to fight getting taken captive was a big choice for me. I choose to go along with them. I know I’m pretty strong but there was NO way I’d ever be able to take on all 5 of them. It just wasn’t possible. I worked my way toward the back of the van, slowly waiting for the doom that would unfold later. One of the vampires said something as we got out of the van. Wait it was a van! That’s it! It was my key! A red van was what I was looking for. I think that one of the vampires said “I do hope you’ll survive. I think you could be of very good use to me. I’m tired of this lifestyle.”

I went into a dark, damp warehouse where I was told “There are many rules you must follow. Rule Number One: Do not revel your true identity to people. You will end up getting murdered. You don’t want that do you?”
“No.” I replied.
“Good. Rule Number 2: Feed only on human blood. Any other blood is disgusting and revolting.”
“What? Who are you people?!?” I was terrified. They were talking about feeding only on humans! What were these people?
“You don’t want to know. Rule Number 3: Stick with us and you’ll never go human again. You don’t need your old life. You’re worthless. With us you can be somebody.”
“Okay. What are you going to do to me?” I was still terrified. However, I was a bit mystified that they were saying all these intriguing things; it’s like they knew what to say to get my attention.

I continued on to be led to a table like operating chair. I was told to sit and lay down. They lowered the mask over my face. I tried to fight it off. I wanted it off still, there was a side inside me saying “No, don’t fight it let it go breath deeply.” They told me, that it should last about 3 days. I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t want to be there. Finally, I gave in. I relaxed and was falling into a deep sleep. There, I lay for the next 48 hours in a trance. I could listen to my surroundings but I couldn’t move, nor could I open my eyes. As the final hour counted down my nose began to burn. It seared with heat. I swear, there was probably smoke from my nostrils. Soon, it was over. I could see again, finally I could began to breathe again. Well, vampires don’t really breathe I think so it is instinct I guess. We still breathe for a long time of our lives.

I know I’m better than those other things. I will never hurt an innocent person ever. Arg, this urge is back. It is almost like I am thirsty but hungry at the same time. I eat all the food in my house. Still, the urge returns. Those... those things must have been right. I needed to have blood. I shall hunt when the darkness comes.

Chapter 2:

Quote:

I decided to go hunting at 2 A.M it should be dark enough by then that I won’t get seen. So, I ran out my door and raced with incredible inhuman speeds down the interstate the 10 miles to the local wildlife reservation nearest to my home. I enter the woods and crouch back, springing out at the first sound.

It wasn’t an animal I sprang out at. Turned out it was a newborn female vampire. She was about 5 foot 5 inches tall, my height. She weighed about 130 pounds. She had the golden essence look. She was magnificently beautiful. She had the most beautiful fire red eyes. I turned and stared straight at her when I saw those eyes. Turned out it has to be the same group that transformed me that transformed her as she also refuses to hunt the human race. We decided to seek revenge on those that kidnapped us together. Perfect I thought, I need the help and it won’t hurt anything to have some company.

Rebecca. That was her name. She wants revenge. Her story is much like mine. Only difference is she doesn’t remember the past. I am very grateful she’s coming with me. I can’t explain this feeling when I am around her… its like I’m in love with her… Aw heck! What can I say, she’s perfect. Nah it can’t be love either… But it’s definitely a new found sense.

You see, it can’t be love… I’m only 17 years old. Ha Ha. It couldn’t be love could it? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. All I know is that I care about Rebecca a lot. If anything tries and hurts her I will release a fury from within.

My phone vibrated. What in the… It vibrated again… “Hello?” I answered it.
“Can you come over?” It was Amanda, my crush since the 7th grade. She didn’t know it but I know I had and still have a major crush on her still.
“Is something wrong?” I started to worry. She wouldn’t have called me unless it was important. I threw on my shoes in a rush. ”I’m on my way.”

The line went dead. Crap. Crap. Crap! I ran as fast as I could possibly go, out of my room, down the hall, down the stairs and out into the road. I paused, looking around, good I thought. No one is around. I sprinted with bounding leaps to Amanda’s house. It was really a pretty house if you thought about it, I mean her parents after the fire they had, had to start over. They lost everything, to be honest I cried. I really did. I knocked on the front door. It didn’t look like her parents were home…

I was getting ready to pound my shoulder into the door to break it down. When, it opened. “Wow, you got here really fast.”
“Yeah, I uh sprinted it all” Thank goodness she knows I’ve got an amazing pair of legs. I once ran a lap around the track in 45 seconds, setting the record for the whole state. Of course it also helps that I run cross-country in the summer/early part of the school, and that I cross-country ski in the mountains… but that’s a whole different thing…
“I have something I need to tell you before you say anything.” I told her in a strong but nervous way.
“What?”
“Amanda, you might want to sit.”
“No it’s fine I’ll stand.”
“Well, you remember that time in 5th grade we’d promise to keep no secrets?”
“Yeah, I haven’t broken that yet…” I knew she didn’t like where I was going.
“Jake, your not pregnant with a girl… are you?” She asked, I could see her eyes were scared. Was that the loving Amanda I’d always dreamed of finally coming to realize she liked me? If that was what she wanted to tell me before I cut her I’d be devastated.
“Of Course not…” I quickly replied.
“I uh, I-I-I” I was stuttering. The words just wouldn’t come out… I tool a deep breath and plunged into the endless pit. “I’m a vampire. I was con-” Amanda started falling, I instantly regretted saying I was a vampire I knew she had the fear look in her eyes. She feared me. I caught her before she hit the floor. Dang it! I knew I shouldn’t have told her. We could have just danced away. She was wearing a dress. She never wears dresses unless she wanted to dance. Dang it!

An hour passed, Two hours passed. Three hours, four hours. She started to wake. I kept fighting my urge just to go over there and end her life. I knew it would be better for her than knowing, no fearing me for the rest of her life. I couldn’t live knowing I kilt her though. It would put me into a death spin. She asked “What happened?”
“You fell…” I was trying to B.S my way out of it. Praying she didn’t remember.
“What time is it?”
“Two a.m, your tired go back to sleep. I’ll go home in a few.” So far, so good. Crap, it was back! That look was in her eyes. It really scared me to see her this way. The pain was miserable.
“Amanda, you have nothing to fear. I’m not going to hurt you. I’d die if I hurt you. I have had a huge crush on you since the 7th grade. If I was going to hurt you it would have been when I first became one. I will protect you.” I was trying to make her feel better.
“Uhm.. How long have you been one?” She was scared still, but she believed me.
“2 weeks.” It had been two weeks! I’d spent most of that two weeks in my secrete orchard though, where I learned of my skills that I’d recently discovered.
“Get out. Leave now. I need time alone. I’ll call you when I’m ready to see you again.”
I left. I felt really bad about telling her now. It’ll never be the same without her if she doesn’t call me. Oh well, I’ll live… I think.

Chapter 3:

Quote:

My phone rang… “Hello” I answered it.
“Hey Jake, I just wanted to hear your voice…” Amanda replied. Her tone wasn’t good. I quickly threw on my shoes and ran out the door.
“What’s wrong?” I asked while I was breaking into a full sprint towards her house.
“Nothing” I could tell she was ready to burst into tears.
“Don’t go anywhere or do anything drastic. I’ll be right there.” The line went dead. It was right as I walked up the front door. I heard a gun cock. I broke through the front door, broke threw her room door, and threw the gun out of her hands.
“What the heck were you trying to do?!?!” I was practically screaming at her.
“I…I… I don’t know.” She bust into tears with that… “I guess I tried to end it all.”
“Why? Why would you do that?”
“I..I don’t know…”
There I sat, holding her in my arms for the next hour until she fell asleep, I listened to her tell why she thought it’d be best. Finally after she fell asleep I gently laid her in her bed and covered her up. I destroyed the gun into pieces and threw them into the waste basket.
There I sat for the next twelve hours. Watching, and, listening to her talk. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if she was awake or sleeping, it sounded like it was a real life conversation. She looked amazingly beautiful even though she had just tried to commit suicide. Her perfect blonde hair shone in the morning sun. We would have been perfect for each other, if only I hadn’t gotten into that van that night that felt like an eternity ago now.
It’s funny how you never really notice the smallest things until you can’t have them. Just like I never realized that I liked Amanda until that morning when I found her. Amanda moved. Finally, was she waking up? I wondered if she took any pills before she tried committing suicide… She leaned up against her wall and asked “What time is it?”
“10 A.M… You’ve been sleeping for 12 hours.”
She pushed her blonde hair off to the side of her face. Dang, you know she always does that and I never noticed how beautiful she was. If ONLY I hadn’t got in that stupid van. We could be together right now.
“How long have you been in here?”
“Since I found you…”
“How long has it been since you last… hunted?”
I cringed, I hated the word hunted.
“Sorry, I just want to well know…”
“Two weeks” I replied.
“How much longer, until you have to hunt?”
“7 days. I’ll be okay. You just worry about your self. I don’t exactly understand still but I’m trying. I love you Amanda, it would rip me in half if you would have died.”
“What happens after 7 more days?”
“I won’t tell you, its pretty nasty.”
“Jacob Andrew Joseph, tell me this instant.” I jumped, she used MY full name! I don’t even remember telling her my full name! Jeeze!
“It is nasty, but fine. We, vampires have 21 days before we HAVE to hunt, if we don’t hunt within the 21 days, we well, we… tear into ourselves or any other warm-blooded thing near us.”
I could see it in her eyes again. That was back, that fear. It scared me to death. I wasn’t sure what to do next. So I said “Relax, I’m hunting tonight. I called Kim to come over and hang with you so you don’t try anything drastic.”
“Don’t I get a choice here?” She protested.
“Nope, she’ll be over at noon, so you better be getting dressed, you two are going to the mall to go shopping.”
“Jake, you don’t have to… I’ll be okay…” She protested
I did have to make sure nothing was going to happen to her. If something did happen I’d kill myself somehow.
“Yes, I do have to. Now go get dressed…”
With that, I left her bed room and waited in the living room. It was out of the question now. Kim was going to come over and that was final, I was determined not to let her find an excuse for her not to be able to be alone, or come with me for that matter. I know she’ll want to see me hunt eventually its just the type of person she is. When Amanda is determined and wants to get something she’ll usually get it. Not that I give in easy… but I want anything that will make her happy I guess.

Thats everything but chapter 4... I'll post that later because I maxed out my characters I could use... Advice is welcome... THanks

If I posted this in the wrong forum, please move it... I wasn't sure where to post this...

Tiamat10 · 02-26-2008, 01:48 PM

I'm sorry to say this but I could only get through the first block quote at the top. Let me tell you what I don't like about it.

Number one, the writing is almost tortured. I only like the use of writing in present tense when it's done well, and this isn't done well. It's practically all simple sentences, which is good for suspense a lot of times, but otherwise, it's choppy and annoying to read. Plus, you still have LOTS of commas thrown in there where they're not necessary, and funnily enough, you've neglected to put commas in some of the places they are necessary. You should do a little bit of research on punctuation.

Also, I don't like your first sentence. It grabs my attention, I'll give you that, but only because I think it's bad. I think this story would be better served if you start it out with something about the yelling (but please make it a little more eloquent than "I yell for anyone that might be around").

I mean, just as a suggestion, you could start it with:

"My screams echo throughout the empty room. No one answers or even gives any indication that they've heard, but still I yell. My mouth is dry and my throat scratched sore from my constant calling for help. They said it would only last about three days."

See the difference?

Lastly, the idea of a vampire that wants revenge and doesn't want to kill the innocent is--frankly--clichéd so badly nowadays that I simply refuse to read anymore stories about it.

I'm really sorry about this harsh critique, but I think you need to hear stuff like this if you want to improve.

king601 · 02-26-2008, 08:41 PM

No really thanks

I have gotten other feedback on other sites about the same stuff so I figure I'll just rewrite it. Thanks for posting.