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Old 02-24-2008, 04:05 PM   #1
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My new modern Fantasy: Memoir Sol En Requiem

Hello! I've been working on this for a while now and just barely began posting it on the internet. I'd really appretiate some readers and such. Here's kinda my 'teaser' :

A fictional story from the point of view of a girl named Heidi and her year in tenth grade at Shore Bell High School. Her hectic experience when an obnoxious- but fairly amusing- boy decides it is going to be his goal to drive her insane, one of her 'friends' awakens and age old rivalry with natural opponents and uncontrollable war between ancient Gods, and she gets caught in the middle.

That's a bit of a dull way of putting it, but it gets really good. Please comment, vote in the poll and come back this upcomming friday for more!

Memoir Sol En Requiem can be found at:
mserbyrai.blogspot.com
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:41 PM   #2
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Two things that have nothing to do with your story yet:

1. Post it here, please? I hate having to follow links to read people's stuff.
2. I hate even more when I actually do follow links and I'm supposed to concentrate on someone's work amid such vividly bright pink hues.

(Oh yeah, what poll? Where?)

Anyways, onto your story. I think it's a good idea. I like that much so far. But I thought it was a bit overwritten (just a bit--I've overwritten much worse than that before) and also I really didn't like the repetitive "It was so cold" thing. After awhile it just became like "Yeah...cold...I get it."

But for that, I think it's a pretty decent prologue. Just needs tightened up a bit. Possibly shortened.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:53 PM   #3
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Haven't read the story, but I really like the title.
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:00 PM   #4
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Alright I'll post it here. Sorry
and for some reason my computer added all those "cold" lines. It spazzes like that sometimes.

Here it is:

It was so cold…
“Please, dear heaven, help me…” I can hear the weak cry… my cry.
My eyes are staring into the black sky watching snow drop like falling stars passing by me. There were frozen tears on my cheeks, biting with bitter chill.
“Let me live just to see the sun once more…” I could tell, even without looking, that my limbs were turning blue and purple. Nothing could give me strength enough to move them. I couldn’t feel my ears… they were frozen too.
“I… can’t…leave… before—” the frozen blood around my throat cracked as my mouth whispered the words. Cold liquid oozed down my skin. I felt my lungs turning crystal-like.
Is this what it’s like to die? I thought—it hurt too much to even whisper anymore. My broken body was arched backward over sharp clusters of jagged stones; contorted into horribly unnatural angles. Cliffs loomed behind me, only visible in peripheral vision.
No, I hadn’t thrown myself off them—I cared about too much to just throw it all away at a whim. Cruelty was the factor that destroyed my life. I could faintly see flashes of the memory… but it all was diluted by blackness. Ice crystallized at the edge of my eyes. I just wanted to see the sun—feel its warmth just once more.
The snow… I feel it touch my cheeks …such a gentle way to die… I once feared death by cold, but now it seemed so peaceful. A flake of snow landed on my eyelashes, not melting, and I couldn’t help but marvel at its intricate tendrils—something so beautiful and delicate, so easily destroyed and lost forever. Such was life…
I couldn’t even think clearly now. It felt like my soul was an orb of heat floating upwards and releasing tension and strain from my frozen muscles. Nothing would worry me now. Nothing could hurt me anymore.
It was so peaceful and warm…
Then something crept thought the last tiny speck of vision that my mind was desperately keeping open. It was very faint as first, for a second, then it branched out cracking the wall of darkness; The Dawning Sun. I couldn’t let go just yet… I had to watch it rise. I always loved seeing the sun rise and blaze out its aurora-like bands of light.
It was so beautiful…
But to my horror the light started dimming. It was disappearing—not due to my near dead exhaustion—the moon was eclipsing the sun!
Please… NO!
Sunlight touched I cheek then was stolen away as the moon moved further between it and I. Involuntarily tears poured down my cheeks… It was over—time to give up.
Then something else illuminated the shadows that were falling from the moon—an unearthly thing that moved toward me, a blinding stream of mist left in its trail. Heat rippled in the air so intense I could almost see it. Instantly the blazing air swept into my lungs and webbed into every part of me. Nothing had ever hurt so much, but I wanted to cry for joy. It seared like a branding iron, yet I didn’t want to feeling to leave. But with it came the returning of feeling and my mind shrieked in shock as I felt every broken bone, down to each razor edge that dug into my flesh.
The thing was hanging over me and I begged silently for it to leave. But it didn’t; two thick bands of vapor-like light slid underneath my broken body. The rocks under me disappeared as I was lifted by the bands. My body was limp like a rag doll. I felt bones grinding together where they had broken as they swung with the movement and I gasped in agony—then blacked out.
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:15 PM   #5
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A little confusing around the part about the eclipse, I think. But other than that I was pretty good.
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:18 PM   #6
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Thank you. Sorry, it's kinda supposed to be confusing at that part because the narrator is... I guess you could call it dying. But you won't find out till later
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:33 PM   #7
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I read it a second time and liked it better. Still think it's a tad overwritten though. And here's a couple little corrections for ya...

"Sunlight touched I cheek then was stolen away as the moon moved further between it and I." should be "Sunlight touched MY cheek then was stolen away as the moon moved further between it and ME."

Then a few sentences later:

"Heat rippled in the air so intenseLY I could almost see it."

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http://www.flashquake.org/fiction/goldfish-wisdom.html
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