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Old 02-23-2008, 02:22 PM   #1
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KAMODA - Fantasy

PROLOGUE:
THE FARON’S CROSS





The ghosts of the past carried a wind that screamed through the trees, sending a threat at whoever dared to enter their woods. Their eyes, although hidden, were always watching for the souls of the brave. For it was only the ones without fear that dared to enter.

A young adventurer, Kamoda, entered riddled with emotion. His eyes watered from the power of the wind as it urged him to leave, but it only enticed him more to continue into the darkness.

He blinked, clearing the tears. Examining his surroundings, he stopped in his tracks, then said in a whisper, “Their coming from the north.”

Beside him, a young woman reached for her bow. Corlea had eyes that were filled with wisdom and a pale face that showed no fear, only beauty. She remained silent as they took their positions behind the trees.

Kamoda gripped with both hands on his sword as he pressed it against him before resting his back on the tree. The weapon was tall and shined like new. A pattern of swirls and lines decorated its blade.

The sounds of the Traymor’s were carried by the wind as they prowled through the forest. The Traymor’s were like Trolls but of a more human stature, with rippling muscles and skin similar to tree bark for disguise when hunting. The beasts tore through the woods, snarling at each other as they demolished their last kill.

Kamoda spun from his position as the Traymor’s snarled. Licking their lips, they approached their new prey and began to drool.

“Human,” said one of the Traymor’s icily. Its eyes squinted as it raised its wooden club above its head and presented its fangs.

It was then Corlea jumped out behind Kamoda and quickly fired an arrow that pierced the Treymor’s eye as the others stood in shock. The Treymor that was now leaking blood stumbled backwards before collapsing on the ground. Corlea quickly pulled out another arrow.

“Who’s next?” she asked, smiling at the group that were now hissing and grunting. Her next arrow quickly brought down the next Treymor as it fell with a thud.

Kamoda’s blade entered a third Treymor. It sliced through its thick textured flesh before sliding out, dripping in blood. The groaning beast made a reach for its club before Kamoda removed its arm with one clean slice.

The pair quickly brought down the group as they were left standing in a pool of blood that had began to soak through the dirt. The monsters grunted before the forest once again, returned to silence.

“Quickly, before more come,” said Kamoda. He wiped his sword clean with his cloak before returning it to a leather sheath that hung from his belt. “Legend tells of an underground tunnel that leads to the tomb.”

Corlea followed quickly behind him, keeping her bow at her side as they followed the trail of disturbed leaves that had led the Treymor’s to their doom.

She spoke in a quiet tone. “I can sense more Treymor’s up ahead.” Kamoda immediately looked at her with wide eyes. He paused for a moment whilst helping her up a small cliff in the dirt.
“I don’t hear anything,” he exclaimed. He began climbing the steep hill one again with a look of determination across his face. He pulled out his sword. “Can’t hurt to be prepared.”

Suddenly there was a scream as Corlea collapsed into what looked like a hole in the ground. Leaves jumped into the air as the wind carried them back down the hill.

“Corlea, are you there?” Kamoda dived to the ground as he stared down the hole only to see the shadows of darkness. For a moment he continued to stare. “Corlea?”

“I’m okay!” screamed a voice. It was Corlea. “I think I’ve found the tunnel.”

“I’m coming down,” he shouted. Kamoda slid his sword back into the leather sheath before edging his way to the hole before jumping.

“Kamoda?” Her eyes scanned the ground but only their outlines could be seen through the darkness.

“This way,” he said, leading her further into the tunnel. “I think I see it.”

There was candlelight coming from up ahead as they edged towards it.

When they approached the end of the tunnel, they entered a room. It was lit only by candles and was build only by stone.

“Look!” shouted Corlea as she approached the tomb. “The Faron’s Cross.”

“Don’t touch it!” announced Kamoda as he explored the room.

Beside the stone tomb of the ancient King Faron was a golden cross. It was glimmering in the candlelight, a treasure impossible to resist.

Corlea reached for the cross in spite of what Kamoda had said. She placed her bow on the ground as she held the cross in both hands. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered.

Suddenly there was a shake as a deep wind entered the room.

“I said don’t touch it!” shouted Kamoda as a large rock collapsed from above. The walls began to crumble and the room began to fall apart.
“We’ve got to get out of here!”

Kamoda took Corlea’s hand and began to ran, leaving behind her bow as they ran through the darknes of the tunnel.

When they arrived back at the hole, Kamoda searched desperately for a rope as Corlea tossed the cross up, over the edge of the hole and onto the dirt.

“Give me your arrows!” he announced, taking a handful from the small pouch on her back.

Slowly he began to climb out, stabbing the arrows into the dirt as he pulled his way up.

“Now you!” he shouted.

“I cant,” she announced.

“You’ve got to!”

Suddenly the dirt began to collapse as the hole slowly began to fill itself before burying her alive.

Kamoda made a quick jump for the cross before grabbing onto the branch of a tree for support.

“Corlea!” he screamed.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:58 PM   #2
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I think this is a tad over-written and, at the same time... scanty. Or bare. Whichever. You describe everything that's happening and how it pertains to these characters, but... that's all. There's very little dialogue, and if I'm not mistaken, absolutely no interior monologue. How are we supposed to care what happens to your characters, especially the one that seems to have died, if we don't know anything about them except what's happening?

It's not badly written at all, it justs needs that little extra something that will give it some life.

And switching gears here, what I mean by overwritten is that the prose is very puffed up to make it sound pretty, but it draws the attention away from the story and onto the words themselves. Imagine the narrator speaking in one of the early Conan movies or in Xena: Warrior princess and you'll get what I mean pretty quick.

For example:

"the shadows of darkness"

Doesn't that strike you as a little redundant? Shadows are, by definition, patches of darkness. Just pick one: the shadows or the darkness.

I think with some work this could be a pretty good piece though.
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Old 02-27-2008, 11:08 PM   #3
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I disagree with the above.

There are different types of shadows and different types of darkness.

If you reduced it to either one or the other, it would render the sentence bland and lack appeal.

As for what the person above calls "pretty", I think it gives a better view of the person's mindset.
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