Post Apocalyptic Story - 900ish words - Writers Forum

LeeKav · 02-21-2008, 05:05 AM

I thought it would be fun to write a post apocalyptic story, inspired by The Mist, Fallout and War of the Worlds.

All three of which are, in part, an interesting look at how people behave when life as it is known is taken away. War of the Worlds is mostly chaos and panic, but I intend this to be more like Fallout in that things will begin to function again, just not how they used to. A new age, you might say. So anyway, hope you like it:

I awoke in a haze. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, or what I was doing before I lost consciousness, but it was hotter than hell and my head hurt. Slowly my vision came back to me, and I was forced to reconsider my ‘hotter than hell statement’, perhaps it was hell. Everything was on fire; house had been burnt to the ground. Bodies littered the streets. People were running and screaming.

I recognized where I was – it was my street that was burning to the ground. It was my neighbors that littered the streets. Those that remained mourned the dead and fled in search of safety.

“Bill! I thought you were dead!” I heard from behind me. It was my neighbor, Basil Hutchins. “Quick, get in my car, I’m going to try to get out of this area. I already got Jason in the car.” Jason Mulner lived in the house next to Basils. We were all single men in our late twenties to early thirties.

I jumped in the car without saying a word. Basil jumped in the drivers seat and floored the car down our street

“What the fuck is going on, man?”

“It’s the fucking Russians man. They dropped the bomb. And when I say the bomb, I really mean the arsenal. TV stations were all knocked out, but el presidente was broadcasting over all frequencies, though. They say it was completely unprovoked. Fucking Russians. You can’t trust them.” Said Jason.
I gave him a puzzled look. “Dip shit lost all his food when his house burnt down, so he has been swallowing all the propaganda he can get his hands on.” Basil said, a smile spreading across his face.

“What? You don’t trust our government?” replied Jason. Basil just chuckled and kept driving.

So we hauled ass for the border. Driving past burnt down houses, the occasionally blackened paddock, and the charcoaled carcasses of farm animals.

We weren't sure how far we would have to go before we found somewhere safe, but I was sure I would have plenty of time to think. Jason said that all the TV stations were down. This meant that most, if not all, of America had happened. I guess I believed what he had said about the Russians bombing us, but unprovoked? Not a chance. Jason wasn't the smartest of people, as I am sure you have observed for yourself, but I didn't think that even he would believe such blatant crap. I wouldn't doubt that we had bombed Russia first, and brought on what, from my bleak and pessimistic viewpoint, seemed to be the end of the world or at least the world as it had previously existed.

We passed the blackened frame of what was once a car. Three shapes barely recognizable as human sat in it. Suddenly it all became real for me, and I held back tears thinking about how many others had died. I had always felt horrible for the invasion of Iraq, that took place during my childhood, but now I felt I knew there pain. I thought I understood. Poetic justice I guess, but it was not those three burnt figures that deserved it.

It was my dumb ass trigger happy country to blame, and in that sense we all got what we deserved. Both my country of birth - America, and our long time nemesis Russia had learnt nothing from the Cold War I learnt so much about in high school. The first twenty or so years of the new millennium ushered in all sorts of new technology, the most unpopular of the technology came in the form of weapons. Russia and us got some new toys, and despite the warning stickers told us we decided to point them at each other. No wonder the packaging said they weren't suitable for children under the age of 12, because when you put sophisticated weaponry in the hands of a retard something like this is bound to happen.

If you can't tell, I strongly detest my government, who's foreign affairs policy seems to have been 'Kill anyone who doesn't think like we do' for the past century or more. You may disagree with me, and I really don't care, just don't call me un-American because I don't support the killing of innocent people because they aren't from here.

"Fuck" said Jason. "Is there anything left?"

"Shit, I don't know" Basil responded. "I really don't want to think about it". He fumbled around at his feet and picked a CD wallet of the floor. He threw it to me and said "You choose something". I, of course, chose Blue Oyster Cult. Then sat back and tried to clear my mind.

FaeryInkPress · 02-21-2008, 12:07 PM

Wow...

Interesting...

I'll start by critiquing your style. I'm in love with the first person, so bravo for using it. You have good action verbs, like "litter", but I don't feel like I'm in the story. Okay, so a bomb just got dropped. You're telling me it's hotter than hell, you're telling me you're a single man in his late thirties...but I want you to show that. Are you sweating? What does the air smell like? You just woke up to your world exploding. You don't seem very fazed until later. I suggest that you give your friend who tries to get you into the car a bit more trouble before you get in with him.

Secondly, I can't really separate the author from the character. Some writers don't do that, and that's fine. But I feel you, as the author, stop the story near the middle to rant about your feelings about being American. I don't want to hear about your opinions--I want to know your character's opinions. If they are the same, give more examples that clearly indicate that it's your character. Maybe it's just because that it's a forum, and it's hard to separate the author from the character, especially in first person, but try not to stop your story in any case just so you can explain your feelings. A narrative should flow freely and not be disrupted, even when describing stuff.

Lastly, what happens next? Hopefully that's not the end of the story! Where are your characters going? What will they do? What year is it? It seems like it's modern day, since you talk about Iraq, but what caused Russia to bomb America, if it actually was Russia? More questions to be answered, hopefully in a second installment!

Hope my critiquing helps

Clare

LeeKav · 02-21-2008, 02:45 PM

Thanks. It was poorly written, and hurried, in my opinion. But I lke the story.

The rant about America was supposed to be from the point of view of the character, so as to set up conflict between him and the patriotic guy who believes everything he is told.

I'm not sure if I was intending it to all be told by the character or not, but I'll try and fix that a bit.

And of course that isn't the end

It is just the beginning.

ArlenOrobono · 02-21-2008, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeeKav

I thought it would be fun to write a post apocalyptic story, inspired by The Mist, Fallout and War of the Worlds.

All three of which are, in part, an interesting look at how people behave when life as it is known is taken away. War of the Worlds is mostly chaos and panic, but I intend this to be more like Fallout in that things will begin to function again, just not how they used to. A new age, you might say. So anyway, hope you like it:

I awoke in a haze. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, or what I was doing before I lost consciousness, but it was hotter than hell and my head hurt. Slowly my vision came back to me, and I was forced to reconsider my ‘hotter than hell' statement, perhaps it was hell. Everything was on fire; houses had been burnt to the ground. Bodies littered the streets. People were running and screaming.

(This sentence sounds awkward, I suggest rewriting.) I recognized where I was – it was my street that was burning to the ground. It was my neighbors that littered the streets. Those that remained mourned the dead and fled in search of safety.

“Bill! I thought you were dead!” I heard from behind me. It was my neighbor, Basil Hutchins. “Quick, get in my car, I’m going to try to get out of this area. I already got Jason in the car.” Jason Mulner lived in the house next to Basil's. We were all single men in our late twenties to early thirties.

I jumped in the car without saying a word. Basil jumped in the driver's seat and floored the car down our street

“What the fuck is going on, man?”

“It’s the fucking Russians man. They dropped the bomb. And when I say the bomb, I really mean the arsenal. TV stations were all knocked out, but el presidente was broadcasting over all frequencies, though. They say it was completely unprovoked. Fucking Russians. You can’t trust them.” Said Jason.
I gave him a puzzled look. “Dip shit lost all his food when his house burnt down, so he has been swallowing all the propaganda he can get his hands on.” Basil said, a smile spreading across his face.

“What? You don’t trust our government?” replied Jason. Basil just chuckled and kept driving.

So we hauled ass for the border. Driving past burnt down houses, the occasionally blackened paddock, and the charcoaled carcasses of farm animals.

We weren't sure how far we would have to go before we found somewhere safe, but I was sure I would have plenty of time to think. Jason said that all the TV stations were down. (Most of America happened?)This meant that most, if not all, of America had happened. I guess I believed what he had said about the Russians bombing us, but unprovoked? Not a chance. Jason wasn't the smartest of people, as I am sure you have observed for yourself, but I didn't think that even he would believe such blatant crap. I wouldn't doubt that we had bombed Russia first, and brought on what, from my bleak and pessimistic viewpoint, seemed to be the end of the world or at least the world as it had previously existed.

We passed the blackened frame of what was once a car. Three shapes barely recognizable as human sat in it. Suddenly it all became real for me, and I held back tears thinking about how many others had died. (Awkward segway into the Iraq topic )I had always felt horrible for the invasion of Iraq, that took place during my childhood, but now I felt I knew there pain. I thought I understood. Poetic justice I guess, but it was not those three burnt figures that deserved it.

It was my dumb ass trigger happy country to blame, and in that sense we all got what we deserved. Both my country of birth - America - (When you separate something with a hyphen, you use a hyphen on either side) and our long time nemesis - Russia - had learned nothing from the Cold War that I learned so much about in high school. The first twenty or so years of the new millennium ushered in all sorts of new technology; (semicolon, two complete thoughts) the most unpopular of the technology came in the form of weapons. Russia and us got some new toys, and despite the warning stickers told us we decided to point them at each other. No wonder the packaging said they weren't suitable for children under the age of 12, because when you put sophisticated weaponry in the hands of a retard something like this is bound to happen.

If you can't tell, I strongly detest my government, whose foreign affairs policy seems to have been 'Kill anyone who doesn't think like we do' for the past century or more. You may disagree with me, and I really don't care, just don't call me un-American because I don't support the killing of innocent people because they aren't from here.

"Fuck," said Jason. "Is there anything left?"

"Shit, I don't know" Basil responded. "I really don't want to think about it". He fumbled around at his feet and picked a CD wallet off the floor. He threw it to me and said "You choose something." I, of course, chose Blue Oyster Cult. I then sat back and tried to clear my mind.

That's as much as I could pick out in a quick sweep.

I agree with FaeryInkPress about the America rant

. It really just seems that the story paused to allow for it. Is there any particular reason why your character feels so strongly about America? Do we get to find out?

A-L · 02-21-2008, 09:46 PM

Yes, I agree with faery as well. I felt as if i were reading text on how you felt about the situation instead of the characters, perhaps that part could come a little later so that it wouldn't interrupt the flow of the story, and a bit more description wouldn't hurt the story either. But even with that, the story i think is good, but has the potential to be a lot more.

LeeKav · 02-22-2008, 01:02 AM

Okay, perhaps his feelings about America should not come until later. Also, there is a reason why he feels so strongly about the Iraq war.

I'll be sure to fix those things, Arlen.

What do you think of the Jason and the main character getting into an argument to set up their feelings? Also, I realize it seems biased portraying the pro-war character as an idiot, but I was thinking that Basil, who is intelligent, would be able to see both points of view and give them equal consideration.

Anyway, thanks.

Adamboy · 02-22-2008, 05:44 AM

I really like the concept, but i'm in to post apocalyptic things me

.

I enjoyed the parallels with hell at the beginning, and also the political statement which seems important in this project, and i expect to be a key theme.

I think i'd have enjoyed it more if there was more graphic description of what was being seen, as to give much more powerful imagery.

Very good i like! Great success!

sisera · 02-23-2008, 09:06 AM

If I were you, I'd include the feelings about America later, in dialogue, when he's arguing with the patriotic guy. Nothing turns me off more than feeling that the author just blatantly put his/her own political ideas in the story just for the hell of it, which is what this unintentionally seemed like. Presenting the idea in dialogue, rather than narrative, and also presenting the other point of view will flesh out both characters without trying to make it seem like you're just writing to prove a point. Otherwise, it was very good. I've always been a big fan of post-apocalyptic writing, and you seem to have a knack for it.

LeeKav · 02-23-2008, 11:17 PM

Okay, I fixed it up a little. What do you think?:

I awoke in a haze. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, or what I was doing before I lost consciousness, but it was hotter than hell and my head hurt. Slowly my vision came back to me, and I was forced to reconsider my ‘hotter than hell statement’, perhaps it was hell. Everything was on fire; house had been burnt to the ground. Bodies littered the streets. People were running and screaming.

I recognized where I was: I was on my street

“Bill! I thought you were dead!” I heard from behind me. It was my neighbor, Basil Hutchins. “Quick, get in my van, I’m going to try to get out of this area. I already got Jason in the car.” Jason Mulner lived in the house next to Basils. We were all single men in our late twenties to early thirties.

"Wait! I want to see if I can salvage anything" I said and ran towards the ruins and began sifting through things. Basil, presumably, liked my thinking and began sifting through the remains of his own house. He managed to find a pair of steel fold up chairs that hadn't been obliterated and loaded them into the back of his van.

He floored it to the end of the street, then we came to a screeching halt at the service station at the end of the street

"Come one! Help me out guys" Basil said jumping out of the car. He ran and kicked the door open. We loaded the car with as much food and water as we could, refilled the cars petrol, and took some of the canned petrol to last as as long as possible.

“What the fuck is going on, man?” I asked, after we resumed driving.
“It’s the fucking Russians man. They dropped the bomb. And when I say the bomb, I really mean the arsenal. TV stations were all knocked out, but el presidente was broadcasting over all frequencies, though. They say it was completely unprovoked. Fucking Russians. You can’t trust them.” Said Jason.
I gave him a puzzled look. “Dip shit lost all his food when his house burnt down, so he has been swallowing all the propaganda he can get his hands on.” Basil said, a smile spreading across his face.

“What? You don’t trust our government?” replied Jason. Basil just chuckled and kept driving.

So we hauled ass for the border. Driving past burnt down houses, the occasionally blackened paddock, and the charcoaled carcasses of farm animals.

We weren't sure how far we would have to go before we found somewhere safe, but I was sure I would have plenty of time to think. Jason said that all the TV stations were down. This meant that most, if not all, of America had been affected. I guess I believed what he had said about the Russians bombing us, but unprovoked? Not a chance. Jason wasn't the smartest of people, as I am sure you have observed for yourself, but I didn't think that even he would believe such blatant crap. I wouldn't doubt that we had bombed Russia first, and brought on what, from my bleak and pessimistic viewpoint, seemed to be the end of the world or at least the world as it had previously existed.

We passed the blackened frame of what was once a car. Three shapes barely recognizable as human sat in it. Suddenly it all became real for me, and I held back tears thinking about how many others had died. I had always felt horrible for the invasion of Iraq, that took place during my childhood, but now I felt I knew there pain. I thought I understood. Poetic justice I guess, but it was not those three burnt figures that deserved it.
"Fuck" said Jason. "Is there anything left?"

"Shit, I don't know" Basil responded. "I really don't want to think about it". He fumbled around at his feet and picked a CD wallet of the floor. He threw it to me and said "You choose something". I, of course, chose Blue Oyster Cult. Then sat back and tried to clear my mind.

A-L · 02-24-2008, 12:34 AM

quite a bit better.

LeeKav · 02-24-2008, 01:58 AM

Thanks. I wrote more, just imagine that anywhere I said Russia in the last bit I actually said China:

I must of dozed off, because the van was stopped, and I was the only one in it. I climbed out of the car and saw Jason and Basil sitting by a fire on the two steel chairs Basil had salvaged. Each was drinking a bottle of water. Basil through me one as I approached them.

"Okay, we need a plan, guys" said Basil, as I sat on the ground beside them.

"Well," said Jason "I checked out our supplies while you were cutting fire wood. We got a good hundred bottles of water, and plenty enough food to last us a couple of weeks".

"Keep driving north?" I said "We got food and water enough to last us two weeks. We can keep we can stop of in Oregon to get some more food, then in Maine. Then we'll cross the border to Canada. I doubt very much that Canada was affected, it is us that they are at war with."

Basil nodded. "I like that plan. It's 3pm now" he said glancing at his watch "Stay here for a couple of hours, have something to eat, then we'll leave before nightfall. Take it the driving in shifts. The person who has the next shift can sleep in the back. I want to get as far as we possibly can by morning." We were all silent for half an hour or so, keeping warm by the fire, until Basil spoke up. "War" he muttered "What in the hell does war solve". Jason looked like he had something to say, but he kept his mouth shut. Wise of him.

We had been at war for 3 years now. The year was 2015. In late 2009 the American economy was falling. It looked as though we were going to be knocked from our place as the sole remaining super power of the world. This fear was reinforced by China's growing military power. When the ever oppressive Chinese government introduced conscription they seemed invincible. With their population over 1 billion strong, conscription gave them the largest army in the world by far.

The United States called upon its citizens for help, and the U.S army was more popular than ever. Our patriotic population was all jumping to defend from the Chinese. Of course, I=our always present allies of Australia and Britain helped, and so America declared war on China. Five million American soldiers were deployed in the countries surrounding China and began to seal of any contact the Chinese had with the outside world.

The Chinese, as you can imagine, did not react positively. They began developing their arsenal of Nuclear Weapons. With their large population, and incredible production ability, they soon had enough nuclear weaponry to completely wipe out America. But, America had enough nuclear weaponry to wipe out China in return, so there was a stand off between the two countries. After a while it seemed as though nothing was going to become of it. That is, of course, until today.</SPAN>

IntellectualEquinox · 03-25-2008, 12:06 PM

I'm a fan of Alternate-History/Apocalyptic.

Ofcourse, I have to disagree with you use of the United States enemies that have been revealed. From a logical standpoint, and in the current year, if open warfare broke out between the US and other factions, the Chinese would MOST likely become an ally of the US/NATO Coalition. I agree with your idea of a good ol' Russian/American Post Cold War rumble, but that would also be unlikely set in this time period. Most liklely, a situation like this would occur with a Mid-Eastern nation going rogue. I completely agree with your decision on the characters dissagreement with America's government, I creates a certain feel of strife between the character and his friends.

I like the basis for the story, but would find it more believable and gripping if it followed the logical political course of the time period.

I like how you express you characters thoughts and beliefs, though. I'd love to see you continue your story.

Hobo · 03-25-2008, 01:06 PM

Hey you had me at fallout. About the only things I'd go into are mostly personal things not really problems with the story itself. When dealing with alternate history some prefix of the world the characters are living in is helpful for setting and having a base understanding of what (as a reader) I'm looking at. Russia and china as enemies of the state is slightly unbelievable in the current theater of worldly opposition since Russia is basically struggling to not fall into ultimate poverty and china is to busy pretending that they give two shits about the U.N. any country with oil might make a first strike ... hell Korea or India with recent nuclear tests would also be at least an option. Also not to be entirely to picky but had any nation launched ICBM's the US would have retaliated immediately and the overwhelming disaster would have not only razed and burnt everything to ash but would have also been the beginning of nuclear winter which you might wanna google. So the plausibility of these people being ... well alive is next to nothing if the blast was close enough to set their houses on fire. Of course this is why I said that a brief intro into the world your addressing current history or alt either way it might alleviate the confusion. However the characters seem to be an interesting group so that should be a fair amount of tension and drama with the human condition etc etc etc.

Cliff Notes: I'm also prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse.