stale911

This is the first chapter of my fresh novel, Dynasty Legion. The first chapter is also a little bit of a rush job so there might be some grammar mistakes and the story will not be quiet clear seeing as it is the first chapter but anyway, here it is.
Please posy your comments on this chapter, both negative and positive critisism are welcome, tips and advice on how I can improve on further installments would also be appreaciated, as well as your opinion on wether I should continue writing more chapters would also be appreaciated.

DYNASTY LEGION


CHAPTER 1:

Rudolf released a faint sigh of relief as he slumped back onto his finely leathered couch.

“We’re finally back home” called Rudolf, throwing a quick glance at his companion, Gambier, who had been unpacking their stuffed backpacks.
“The journey is far from over yet, my dear friend” replied Gambier, as a slight grin come upon his bushy, hairy face.
Gambier was a dwarf, who awkwardly exceeded well over the average dwarf’s height. Not even Gambier’s own family classified him as their son, let alone as a dwarf.

Rudolf was also dwarf. He on the other hand was well below the average height of a regular dwarf, although not by much.
Both were persistent individuals that were always striving to accomplish their goals. And that is how they had met twenty odd years earlier.
“How do you think that our former “chums” will receive us after out return?” asked Rudolf, peering down at his tiny little feet, noticing that his laces were untied.
“I do not know. But I guess that they would not be welcoming us with open arms,” replied Gambier grimly as he studied a portrait above his friend’s head, he noticed that the painting was resting on a slight slant,
“god I miss the old days” finished Gambier, still staring at the portrait with curiosity.
“Well one can only imagine how much emotional suffering our friends have been through ever since the day that we left our luxurious village” sighed Rudolf, jumping off the couch onto his feet and bending down to tie his loose laces.
“I guess that we should have told them that we were leaving, after all we have been gone for three years, we should have at least wrote them a letter” said Gambier, folding his arms in front of his chest, still his eyes fixed on the painting.
“You’re right” said Rudolf, releasing another sigh of disappointment and shame within himself.
“But one question, Rudolf.”
“Yes?”
“Tell me was that painting above your head on kind of a slant, was it in that shape when we left?” quizzed Gambier, his eyes now lowering slightly scanning his partner’s reaction.
“No I don’t think it was” replied Rudolf, rotating his head back to looking at Gambier. Gambier noticed a stern look of curiosity and awe on the usually grim face of Rudolf.
“Well what do you think?” questioned Gambier, raising his stretched out palm and resting his chin.
“I think that somebody has been here over the past three years and made a miserable attempt at stealing our remaining valuables” replied Rudolf with a sound of over-exaggeration in his low, charming voice that always had given the illusion that Rudolf was nothing but a innocent child but then gain everyone else thought that Rudolf was often a gentleman, always ready to lend a helping hand.

All of a sudden a shrill voice arose from a corner covered in darkness.
“Do not move you peasants!” hissed a darkly figure.
The deep and twisted voice of the figure forced Rudolf to immediately jump, the voice had startled both Rudolf and Gambier. The friends squinted at the outline of the figure in terror.
Gambier could notify that the figure was slim and was potentially armed from the outline of the hidden man, if it was even human.
Rudolf finally managed to urge enough courage to call out, “Who goes there.”
Rudolf stood frozen, Gambier on the other hand, tried to slowly slip towards the figure.

“I said don’t move, peasants!” the unknown creature shouted, reveling sign of both anger and frustration. Gambier realized that he must have taken notice of him trying to move closer.
The creature finally emerged from the cruel darkness of the shadows and revealed itself to the companions.
“The newly appointed king, King Holloway, has scheduled me to search your shack and ask a few questions” snarled the creature. It had appeared as a cross-breed between a goblin and a human. It had the face of a goblin and the skin colour, but had the muscular physic that only a human could gain.

There had been a generation of humans crossed with goblins many, many years ago. But the generation was continued and now there were tens of millions of them, most of them working for the king.
“Fightin’ first questions later” quoted Rudolf as he hastily reached under his over-sized coat and grasped the handle of a miniature sword, built for dwarfs his size.
Gambier followed. He slowly raised his arms and reached down behind his head. Gambier could feel the cold, steel handle of his fine blade.

He gripped the handle and then swung it over his head mightily, like a true warrior would.
Both friends now had their weapons and posed as a threat towards the half-goblin, half-human soldier.
The half-goblin began to chuckle to him self as if he thought that the companions were just some pathetic civilians that just happened to have swords.
“You think that I am alone?” the soldier asked, he had seemed unable to stop giggling to himself.
Two more half-goblin soldiers emerged from at the front door, behind Rudolf and Gambier.

Gambier peered over his shoulder. He could see that the soldiers were also half-goblin and that the soldier on Gambier’s right, was of a massive height.
Both the soldiers at the door were armed with blades as well.
But only the door soldiers had equipped shields as of a route to a solid defense.
But the “shadow” soldier was still yet to equip any form of weapon or shield. He just stood there on the spot, still lightly giggling.
“Drop your weapons and no-one will be hurt” ordered the short soldier at the door.
“What makes you think that we don’t want for somebody to be hurt?” asked Rudolf in a threatening manner as he swiveled his upper body to stare at the soldiers with a glance.

“Then, foul dwarfs. War is what you shall receive!” shouted the tall soldier as he charged at the two armed friends.
The tall soldier was just short enough to fit through the door, but the roof was well above his height.
The soldier reached within attacking distance of the friends. The soldier then took a defiant swing towards Rudolf, after all, his sword was gripped with his left hand and Rudolf happened to be to the right of the giant soldier.
Rudolf quickly jumped onto the leather couch and crumpled up into a ball. The soldier missed his target and tore a lengthy rip over the genuine leather of the couch.

Gambier slowly crept up behind the attacking soldier and effectively lunged his sword with all of his capable might and strength, the blade ripped through the flesh of the mammoth, half-goblin soldier.
He relived a scream of excruciating pain into the chunky air of the shack.
Gambier then gripped the handle more firmly and removed the blade from his foe’s leg. The blade had torn through the enemy’s calf muscle and had broke it's way through his shin as well.

The blade was now entirely removed from the fallen soldier’s left leg. The blade had been dyed a crimson colour. Gambier was some-what fascinated, as he never knew that half-goblins also contain human blood within their bodies.
Without any more hesitation the second soldier came charging towards Gambier, the soldier’s sword held high above his head. Gambier just stood in anticipation to counter the sudden attack.
Gambier darted out from the line of attack and leapt into the air, landing on the incredibly soft couch where Rudolf still lay rolled into a ball.
The soldier then took an unsuspected swing at Gambier with his sword; Gambier dove off the couch and landed on the solid floor boarding of the ancient shack.
The soldier took advantage and swung his sword downwards towards and unprotected and defenseless Gambier.

“Halt you miserable excuse for a half-goblin!” grunted Rudolf as he leaped from his crouched position on the couch into the air. He then swiftly struck at the half-goblin. Then all of a sudden the soldier’s body hit the ground with a sickening thud and the half-human, half-goblin soldier’s head rolled towards Gambier.
“God!” yelled Gambier in disgust, “You didn’t have to decapitate the poor thing!”
“Well it was either that or he would have decapitated you!” replied Rudolf smartly as a huge smile struck over his face. Gambier knew that Rudolf was proud of himself and felt as if he had succeeded, but it was no time for inner-pride during a deadly battle with two remaining half-human, half-goblin soldiers who were armed. Well at least one of them was and he had been wounded.

“Well you could at least try and pay attention to the fact that we are involved in a fight to the death with two lethal warriors.”
“There is nothing wrong with showing a little bit of appreciation towards your self.”
“You die now!” the wounded enemy appeared behind Rudolf ready to swing his blade.
“Rudolf, watch out!” shouted Gambier alarmingly.
Rudolf made a sudden drop resting all of his light body weight on his tip-toes.
Gambier gripped his blade tighter and through a mighty swing directed at the
mangled face of his already injured enemy.
The tip of the blade connected with the concrete-like, green flesh of the half-goblin. He let out a second scream of pain as blood saw through the air, eventually splattering onto the couch.
The enemy stumbled backwards and tripped over his own feet. He collapsed onto the mould-stained floorboards, landing on his hunched back.
“That leaves just you” threatened Rudolf, squinting at the remaining enemy.

“Alright” he hissed, reaching in under his fine chain mail armour that was spread out across his torso. The confident warrior yanked the blade from under his armour.
Gambier was amazed by the wonderful production of the beautifully crafted sword.
A mix of colours similar to a rainbow, were formed on the blade from the reflection of the warm afternoon sunlight.
“I believe that it is time for slicing and dicing” growled Rudolf as he drew closer to his last enemy, dangling the blade round and round in a threatening manner.
“Shall we make the first strike or shall you?” asked the under-grown dwarf.
The warrior need not reply with a simple slash directed to Rudolf as he approached within striking range. The tip of the blade barely missing Rudolf as he could feel the strong mass of wind caused from the attempted decapitation.
Rudolf stumbled backwards and then crouched down onto the floor, hiding behind his dear friend, Gambier.

A lethal silence dawned over the three. Both Gambier and the warrior stood still, weapons held by their sides with one hand, but still were ready in case of an unexpected attack from the other.
Rudolf stayed crouched on the floor behind Gambier, waiting with his extensive will of patience for the fight to have ended.
“Time to fight?” Gambier asked eventually.
“I believe so, foul dwarf” hissed the warrior in reply.
“That is it, you have pushed all the wrong buttons, buddy.”
Gambier then used all of his energy to suddenly strike with numerous sings, spinning and twirling between each strike. But the warrior held a solid defense and refused to let up, he, too delivered numerous counter-strikes to block off Gambier’s attacks.
Gambier retreated backwards as the warrior took a deadly lunge towards his stomach, the end of the blade coming into contact with Gambier’s singlet.
In return Gambier quickly attempted to slice open the warrior’s face and destroy his grueling facial features. Instead the blade cut open except the air.
Immediately Gambier jumped backwards to avoid any further attacks from the half-goblin.

“Come on, are you going to try and kill me yet?” asked Gambier arrogantly.
“Maybe I should just end your miserable life now instead of the plan’s that King Holloway had created for you.”
After these words being spoken by his foe, Gambier was riddled with complex curiosity on to what the king’s enforcer had meant by having something planned for him.
The warrior was not blind to his freshly arisen opportunity. He lifted his blade to an increased level and was ready to swiftly remove Gambier’s head with one clean swipe.
“Hey you babbling monster” called Rudolf. The half-goblin was widely offended by his remark and had now officially lost control of his temper.
“You little pep-squeak!” growled the warrior as he lowered his sword and readied to kill Rudolf.
The king’s soldier then lifted his foot and stamped his foot down again, firmly.
“This means severe consequences, little one!” he growled again.
The soldier began charging at Rudolf now, growling in an expression of his pure anger. Spit dribbling down his dark green chin, rushing around his green warts.
The green soldier now decreased the pace of his charge and began to trudge across the room narrowing the distance between him and his acquired target, Rudolf.
The warrior trudged past Gambier, his heavy footsteps echoing through the small, bare room.

“You are dead you little sprout!” the soldier growled again.
Gambier awoke from his conscious, daydream.
Gambier silently lifted his blade above his head and snuck up behind the warrior.
With one quick, smooth thrust Gambier had sliced the warrior in half.
The moment replayed in his mind, in slow-motion. The blade had slowly torn through the flesh of the warriors bald, unprotected head. Blood had spat into the air as the blade had sunk deeper. The blade continuing it’s vertically assigned path through the soldier’s body.
The upper half of his body had now been split and massive masses of blood formed a pool on the floorboards, permanently staining the man-made wood.

The full length of his body had been split into two halves. Blood spattered all over Rudolf’s clothing and skin. Small drips of blood pounced onto Gambier’s face.
The halves of the body fell to the floor and Gambier froze. Stunned with both amazement and disgrace of his actions. He and his friend had just murdered three assets of the king.
Gambier glanced at Rudolf, whose garments were drenched a crimson colour from the blood.
“We have to go, now” stated Gambier, dropping his bloodied sword and began to walk towards the door.
He peered over his shoulder to look at his stunned and paranoid friend.
“Are you coming?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
Rudolf was speechless; his only response was a simple nod.
Rudolf gathered him self together and scrambled to his feet. His shoes had gone from being a classy brown now to a dark crimson colour resembling bloodstains.
Rudolf scurried over to join with Gambier. The two walked out the door and stopped on the porch.
“Time to visit some old friends.”

stale911

sorry about the chapter being long anyway i divided the dialogue.

FaeryInkPress

Congradulations on your first chapter. I hope to read more

A few technical notes...

When quoting someone, you put the comma after the last word.
Ex:
"Rudolf is a dwarf," Clare said.
The only time you don't put the comma in is after a question or exclaimation mark:
"Rudolf is some small!" Clare exclaimed.

Also, on that note, you refer to the average height of a dwarf. What is that? You don't have to list it or be technical, but give me some idea...ex: he's as tall as a sapling, or as small as a blade of grass, or whatever.

Show, don't tell. Don't tell me he's persistant. Show it through his actions. How is he persistant?

You have a lot of run on sentences. You don't have to anchor the character every time he says something, meaning:
"Wow, I sure am hungry," Clare said, rubbing her stomach and patting her head at the same time.
Just say: "Wow, I sure am hungry," Clare said. She rubbed her stomach and patted her head at the same time.
Or even better: Clare rubbed her stomach and patted her head at the same time. "Wow, I sure am hungry."
We know Clare is speaking because of her actions.

Use adverbs sparingly. They slow down your story. The same with adjectives, unless they are well placed. Strong verbs and nouns are all you need, and you have them.

Be careful of your cliches. They've all been said before. Tell me, if you were fighting a bunch of half-goblins, do you think you'd be saying all these "witty" things? I suppose it might be in their character, but try not to use cliches. And, really, are they going to have time to say something? The moment they stop concentrating they might get an arm chopped off or something. Just because it's fantasy doesn't mean that time waits for everyone. Unless, of course, your story is about Time waiting for people, hehe.

I like your ending. I admire clifhangers done right. I'm intrigued and want to read the next chapter.

Clare

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GunslingersRequiem

I like how you're going with this, utilizing characters that are short but have strengths, nonetheless. A few suggestions; one was already covered by Faery, and I agree that you should cut down on some of the adjectives and adverbs, especially when the usage is strange. "...chunky air...." and others sound a bit odd, while others simply slow down the pace. Check which ones are absolutely necessary, ensure that they make sense, and keep those. Remove the rest. Another thing I noticed is that your positioning of characters is a bit odd. I understand that dwarves aren't the tallest creatures around, but if there are soldiers standing around and only one attacks, I'm not sure how Gambier would sneak up behind the lead charger without being seen. Perhaps you could enunciate. Other than that, your flow is pretty consistent. The only thing I would work on in that concern would be to make your characters act in a less cut-and-paste manner. What I mean by that is when I read it, it feels like the scene is a storyboard rather than non-stop action. In my mind, your characters move about like cardboard and do things in a jolting manner. A way to resolve that is by removing the extra words like mentioned before, but to also get a feel for who your characters are. That should improve the way they interact with their world, and catch your reader's interest a bit more. Everyone loves in-depth characters.

I think with a few revamps and some editing, your work will read better to you and to us reviewers. Keep it up!

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stale911

Thankyou, I have viewed and admired both o your opinions. However I will be un-able to write the secind chapter until Monday, here in Australia.

Just like to say thankyou again for your advice on how to fix my errors.