Luna_Noir

Hi everyone
Ok, my first post (woop!) so PLEASE bear in mind I've never shown anyone (except family and close friends) my work before and have no idea if I'm totally crap or not =]. Also it's supposed to be set in the US but I live in England and don't know all of the differences in words (ie pavement and sidewalk) so please tell me if you spot any of them.

This is half a novel and half a play for voices.
Disclaimer:
I don't know haw to write these either but basicly it has some bad language and I'm sorry if that offends you but I can't take responsibility for it.

love Luna.





Ofelia:

Night has fallen over Metropolis.

The myriad celestial diamonds compete in vain to show their radience against the glare of the city. A thousand million lights, burning bright enough to blot out the stars. Truly a wonder, is it not?

It would be nice, I suppose, or even poetic, to say that the city was filled with an expectant hush. Unfortunately, it would also be blatently untrue. This is Metropolis we're talking about, the city that never sleeps. The theatres have all just spewed their contents onto the sidewalk, and the roads are crammed with theatre-goers yelling for taxis; the road is jammed with cabs, their tyres screaming; the horns are blaring with the furious anger of that distinctive and ferocious breed of human, the taxi-cabbie, and the whole city echoes as they yell abuse at their cars, their passengers, and most of all, the other cabbies.

In the less slaubrious parts of town, the night is just beginning. The hookers are out in force, the clubs are even now opening, and the muggers in the back alleys crack their knuckles, grin ominously, and don their balaklavas. Sorry. Poetic licence again. But in general, you can see my point. It's business as usual, nothing seems out of the ordinary. Look, from where I'm sitting you can even see Kent Tower. The light at the top shines out, a beacon of justice and hope to us all. Home to our saviours, the Heroes, the Chosen Ones, whatever you want to call them. The Freedom Foundation. Our hope and salvation.

What was that noise? Oh, I'm sorry, that was just me laughing hysterically. Bitterly.

Look over there and you can see something else pretty common it this fucked up shithole of a city. You see there? With the blue and pink neon. That's what I like to call one of my personal little bugbears. They're an irritation, just another sore on this pockmarked city, an itch I long to scratch. A place for the desperate. I've taken a disliking to this one most especially. I can see the owner now, coming to open up shop for the night. He's fat, grossly so. The remains of his meal stain his shirt front, stretched tight, buttons straining across his bloated stomach. He's had some kind of sauce on his meal, half of which could have fed five hungry kids in the poorer areas of the city, and the brownish goo is smeared into dark patches. In the dim streetlight it could be anything from sweat to dried blood.



Finally he fits his key in the lock of the shop door. He belches, and heaves his bulk inside, his fat arse wobbling sickeningly and following him like some sort of grotesque second shadow.


He's grown fat on his takings then. Soon his first customers will arrive, needing the help only he can offer. He will dispense it gladly, willingly, a fatherly twinkle in his eye. And all to soon, he will ask for a favour returned. Again and again he will ask, and if his victims refuse, he will only be too happy to persuade them with a little help from his friends, the local neighborhood thugs. He will suck his victims dry, consume every last drop of them, and then discard them like so much trash. Full gorged, he will turn again to the fast food resteraunt opposite (he chose the location specially) and once attempt to sate his cavarnous appetite.

I know all this. I have watched him. I have seen it happen.


Tonight, I'm paying him a visit.

__________________
LunaNoir

TevenB

Hmmm i really like the format of your story, i would say its perfect. However i don't really know what the story is about, it may not be able to hold too many peoples attention. I'm still learning myself, so at this point in time i cant offer too much advice, for fear of being wrong, but like i said, i don't really know what the story is about. If you have any other parts done, could you post them? Take a look at my story and tell me what you think: http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...-extended.html

A-L

Uh yeah, it is good but i need to know a little bit more about it, could you post some more?