The Magic of Nature - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

krissy901_830 · 02-16-2008, 06:28 PM

The first chapter of my story.
Chapter1
Kristen was heading off to her death on the boat. Who knew what was awaiting her. I think you're a little lost so let me fill you in on Kristen's life so far.

Kristen was watching the road ride past. She watched the trees and wildlife from their old station wagon as they rolled down the rode. The station wagon was green, the same exact green as the color of the grass in spring. But spring sadly was days away. Kristen had loved nature ever since she was little. Her father, John, said that she loved nature so much it was weird. So today they rode off to their new home where there was plenty of nature around. Kristen was around five feet and two inches, really skinny, and had blonde hair. Her blue eyes were weirdest though, they changed color anytime she was in the sun. They changed to a brilliant bright sky blue to make her white skin seem like it shimmered around her eyes.
She had two sisters. There names were Olivia and Bolivia. They were both a little bit taller than Kristen, but they had brown eyes. Their brown eyes were so brown that when they were next to a tree trunk you couldn’t tell the difference between the tree trunk and their eyes. They both were a medium sized fatness. Their hair was brown and short. They always straightened their hair, because if they did not, it would puff up and be very frizzy. Olivia and Bolivia liked Kristen, because she wouldn’t make fun of them. So they loved each other like real sisters would.
When they had gotten to the new house they found it bigger than they imagined. They looked around and Olivia and Bolivia chose the smallest room. They didn’t have very much stuff and Kristen did so she thanked them. Kristen went up to her new room and thought about the beautiful view it had of the woods. She started to unpack slowly, but then stopped. She looked around the big white room with the brown hardwood floors. She thought about how she needed to decorate the room first. So she went downstairs to tell her mom that she needed some paint so she could paint her room. Afterwards, her mom told her later after they were settled in, so Kristen went back up to her room. She took out some posters and started taping them to the wall. She stopped and looked out the window. She saw a deer come out of the woods to eat some fresh grass. It gazed up at her and it looked like it talked. She thought she was seeing things so she went back to taping posters. When she was done with that she got her dad to move her bed into her room. She took out her sheets, put them on the bed, and then she took a nap from all the long hard work they did to get here.
She woke up and it was dark. She got up and looked around. It looked like everyone was up still though. So she told her mom that she likes how the house is so near nature. The house is a tall old Victorian house. It has white gates around the whole place. It has a blue roof with blue walls. The windows have beautiful shutters that are blue, too. Kristen’s room had pretty blue curtains that flow around in the wind like wings to a blue jay. Her mom has brown eyes, long blonde hair, and is a little taller than Olivia and Bolivia. She was skinny like Kristen though. Her dad is a little taller than her mom and has brown hair and eyes. He is very muscular.
Kristen went back upstairs and asked her dad to bring her dresser to her room. Her dad’s room is down the hall to the right. Her sister’s rooms are down the hall to the left. Her dad and Kristen went downstairs and pulled up the dresser that they had painted white. The handles had little blue flowers in the middle of the white. Kristen then unpacked her clothes and started putting them in the dresser. When she was done with that, she went to look at her closet. She looked inside and saw a huge white closet. She put her toys in the toy bin that she had placed in the closet. Her toy bin wasn’t very tall. It was really fat though. It went with the closet since they painted it white, too. It was new good white wood so she couldn’t ask her mom to get her a new one. She thought she was getting a little old for toys since she was 12. Her sisters were both 14.
She went back upstairs, through the narrow white hall to her room. She pulled her TV stand, which was bright white, into her room. Her TV stand was white and the TV went into the middle. It had four little shelves surrounding the TV. She put her TV into the stand and hooked it up. Her TV was black so it didn’t go very well with her room. She thought about getting paint for the TV too. So she went downstairs to tell her mom she also needed paint for the TV. Her mom told her to make a list later. She got up to her room and started unpacking her lamp. Her lamp was white and had white clouds around the rim of the shade.
When she was done she went outside to check out the backyard. Her backyard had a pool. The water was a pretty blue and hot. She told her mom that she was going to explore the forest. Her mom told her she had to be back by five and to take the watch. It was already 4:00, so she ran out to the forest. She slowly walked in and a couple of feet in there was a cool blue tree house. It had grass at the bottom of the edges. With white clouds at the top, and it was made out of wood. It had a ladder coming down from it, with a window on each side. Kristen went up in it and there were three rooms in it. One had a bed in it, the second had a small kitchen in it, and the last room had a small living room in it. She walked back into the bedroom and looked around. It had a small blue end table with a white and blue bed. The walls were painted like the outside. In fact all of the rooms in the house had that same pattern. Kristen walked into the kitchen and looked around. The kitchen had a white fridge with blue shelves. Last, she went into the living room. It had a blue chair and white floors with a small white bookshelf. All the floors were the same sky white.
Kristen went over and checked the bookshelf. The bookshelf had a note on it. “Dear Reader,
I would like to inform you that you have special powers. Your powers are with nature. Have you seen the deer? It came to inform you of this tree house. This note will be passed on through the generations so please leave it here.
From,
Billy Joe Bob Dated=1900
“So the deer was talking. I didn’t imagine it talking! Thank you!” Kristen put the note back and started rummaging through the couch cushions. There wasn’t anything but a nickel. Kristen then checked the fridge and saw there was nothing but an old piece of bread dated 1940. “Wow! It’s 2007. That thing is way out of date!” Kristen went over to the bed and rummaged through the sheets and beds just in case he hid another note. Sadly there was not another note.
She went back home to get some food and cleaning supplies to fix up the place. When her mom asked her what she was doing, Kristen told a lie about an old tree house that was normal with one room. Her mom knew she was lying, but let it slide.
Kristen went to the tree house again and set the cleaning supplies on the floor while she put the food up. She then cleaned in the fridge and shelves. The fridge surprisingly had a bad smell of old rotten cheese. So she just sprayed cleaner in it and left it there for a while. While she was cleaning she wondered how Billy Joe Bob knew they were going to move here, but she didn’t want to ruin her good mood so she just left it at, “He could see into the future.”
Later, she went home at 5:30. When she got home she went into the kitchen and her mom was crying. Kristen asked her mom what was wrong. Her mom jumped up and hugged Kristen so hard. “I thought you were lost,” said her mom still crying,” I told you to be home by 5:00 sharp!” Kristen had forgotten about the time.
“ I’m sorry mom, I forgot about the time.” explained Kristen. Kristen and her mom hugged tightly. Then her mom told her to never do that again. Kristen told her she won’t. Kristen went into the living room and put the watch on the end table. She ran upstairs and went in her room to put her hair up.
When she got up to her room, her dad was waiting for her in her room. She told him what had happened and then he left still a little bit angry. She got out some paper and started writing a list of what she needed. When she was done she went downstairs to give the paper to her mom. Her mom told her she was going to the store in an hour if she wanted to help pick out the colors. Kristen just told her to pick out the colors of the sky. Her mom looked at her bewildered, but agreed. She went upstairs and took out her computer and started setting it up on one of the shelves of the TV holder. When she was done she looked at the sleek black screen, the fat black modem, and the tiny black speakers. Kristen went to her bed to take another nap and when she woke up she saw the paint sitting on the floor in front of the door, along with some brushes. She set up the paint and started painting her room with the beautiful sky blue. She then painted the white fluffy clouds over the blue paint to make it look like the sky.
It was midnight so she went downstairs to see what her parents were doing. She snuck to the corner and overheard them talking about her. She listened carefully to make sure she didn’t miss a word. “I heard the new law is that you can only have two daughters know. Which one are we going to get rid of?” asked her dad.
“Well, Kristen seems to be the worst. So maybe we should get rid of her?” said her mom.
“They say the time you have to get rid of the person is next Monday. So we should get her packed and ready to leave since it is only two day’s away.” said her father.
“Ok. I didn’t want to get rid of any of our children, but I guess we have to no matter what.” said her mother crying.
Kristen jumped out and said, “Why are you getting rid of me for some stupid law!” Her mom told her how she was the prettiest and the only one to be able to fend for herself. By the end of the time her mom was done explaining everything Kristen was crying really hard. “You are evil parents! I thought you were supposed to protect me!” said Kristen screaming at the top of her lungs. By this time her sisters woke up and came down to see what was going on. Kristen told them. Her mom and dad then told them their side of the story. The sisters started crying really hard. They didn’t want Kristen to go either.

krissy901_830 · 02-16-2008, 06:30 PM

The 2nd chapter.
Chapter 2
Kristen was looking over the rail thinking of how evil her parents were for making her leave her home. Know Kristen was gliding off across the wide ocean on a big rusty red ship. It had one door above deck. Kristen was standing in front of it a little ways by the pole watching her home move slowly away until it was a tiny dot.
A young boy the age of 13 came out and asked her why she looked so mad. Kristen told him all of what had happened to the blonde haired, blue eyed and skinny boy. He was a little taller than Kristen and had muscles. He told her the same thing had happened to him too. So they made a truth that they would be friends forever no matter what so they could get through this. They went below deck where it had the same rusty walls and went into the first door to the right.
Inside they found a couple of cozy beds to lie in. They looked around and saw they each had a small lamp on old brown wooden end tables. They had one dresser with two drawers that was the same old brown wooden color. They unpacked some of their stuff and put the rest under the blue cots that had old potato sack bags as blankets with bright white sheets. They lay down in their beds and went to sleep.
They woke up to a big blaring horn blasting above deck which was bright freshly coated yellow. Everybody went above deck to see what was happening and why they stopped.
They had arrived at Japan. It really was a gorgeous country. It had tons of trees with beautiful blue lakes. Almost all the houses as far as the eye can see were the colors of nature. She slowly walked to the bar ignoring the captain up in the tower blaring orders.
When her friend came to the bar she asked him his name. “My name is Billy, and what is your name?” asked Billy.
“My name is Kristen.” she said happily. This was the first time in months she had been truly happy. She decided she better put some other clothes on. So she went below deck and changed into her frilly blue and white dress. She put on her sneakers and then went back above deck.
Billy went below deck to change his clothes. He came back wearing a tux. They went below and got all of their stuff packed up in their blue suitcases. They put their stuff on a bright green luggage cart and then went off the boat. When they were off people crowded around them and examined them. Kristen and Billy tried to shove them off, but they wouldn’t leave them alone.
Kristen was getting pulled away from Billy by a man. He took her up to a stand and paid for her. Kristen yelled, “Where are you taking me?”
“I am taking you to my house.” said the man. Kristen didn’t ask anything else, but kicked him in the shin and ran. He ran after her. Kristen eventually tired out and slowed down thinking she lost him. He came up behind her and grabbed her.
He dragged her in his house and latched the door. His wife came out and looked at Kristen. “My name is Amelia. My husband’s name,” gesturing to the man that carried her, “is Alfonso.” stated Amelia. She gave Kristen some water. Amelia went upstairs and grabbed her other child by the hand to show her Kristen. Kristen looked up at the young 1 year old girl. She had brown hair, brown eyes, and was a little shorter than Kristen. Amelia was about 5 foot 3 inches, with brown eyes, blonde hair, and looked around 21. Alfonso looked to be about 30 with black hair, brown eyes, and was a little taller than Amelia.
The little girl looked scared to be here. “This is Tonya.” stated Amelia. Tonya waved still looking frightened by her. Kristen tried to smile to help Tonya, but couldn’t even manage a nod. So Kristen just sat there looking at Tonya like she was the most evil thing ever made. Kristen turned around, looked at the lock, and then looked at the dad. I could get out she thought. She turned to the dad, kicked him in his ribs, slammed his face to the floor when she jumped over him, and then ran to the door to unlock it. She opened it up and ran. She made a sharp turn to the right then went to her left. She kept going forward to look for some place to hide, but ended up running into a palace guard.
The palace guard was tall with black hair and black beady eyes. He grabbed her arm then yanked her to the palace. He threw her in front of the king and queen, and then walked away. The king slowly walked up to her to examine her. “You are quite pretty. You would make a fine edition to my collection of daughters, since blonde hair and blue eyes are so rare.
She got thrown into a room with lots of pillows and gowns decorating the place. She had never seen anything more beautiful. A girl came up to her and handed her a light sky blue gown. She bowed and walked backwards away. Kristen started putting it on and saw it even had a light blue crown to go with it. She put on some shoes that were nearby. They matched the dress, so they might have set them here for me she thought.
She walked back and forth until a new girl came in and beckoned her to follow. Kristen followed obediently. The girl led them to a bedroom. She stopped in front and bowed and then walked backwards away. Kristen guessed she was supposed to go in, so she walked in to the beautifully decorated room. Another girl with a crown on suddenly walked out. “Come quickly,” yelled the girl, “there is another princess!” A bunch of others came running out to see her. There were five others besides Kristen. “My name is Amber.” she had told her. Amber was about the same height, she had amber eyes, and blonde hair. She wore an amber gown with a matching crown.
“My name is Julia.” another one stated. Julia was a little taller than Kristen and had black hair, blue eyes, and had a white gown. Julia pointed to another girl and announced, “That is Lisa.” Lisa was a little smaller than Kristen. She had brown eyes, black hair, and a black gown. Lisa pointed to another and told here she was Jane and the other was Lane. Lane and Jane were the same height as Kristen with a creamy blue eye color, green dresses, and black hair.
“What is your name?” they all asked.
“Kristen,” was all she could manage to say. They told her everything they would be doing and how they picked people off the streets that are pretty to make princesses or princes.
They all went to meet the new princes to have tea and to learn how to ball room dance. Kristen saw Billy and started smiling. He started smiling, too.
The instructor started to teach them how to accept tea and how to invite someone to a tea party. Then he showed them how to ball room dance with Kristen as his dancing partner. They all laughed at her, but stopped when they all had to pair up and dance to make sure they were paying attention.
She got paired up with Billy. As they began to dance, she asked, “How did you get caught?”
He told her how he was auctioned off to the palace guard. After he was done she told him about what happened. He laughed at her when she had told him about kicking the man in the ribs and escaping then running into the palace guard.
The instructor came over to them to see how they were doing right when it was time for him to spin her out and then back in. When he did it she felt like she was floating. When he pulled her in she felt like she was flying but she knew it was only because he had on a cool perfume. The instructor told them they did it perfectly. They were glad when he left, because she was having trouble standing up. She fell when he left to go to the others. She looked at her ankle. It wasn’t broken or anything just twisted.
Billy lifted her up and carried her to the bench so she could rest. She thanked him and then got some water and rested her ankle on the bench. Julia came over and told her it was time to leave to go to dress class. She decided to walk, but the palace guard insisted that he carried her to make the ankle get better faster. She couldn’t refuse so she had to deal with him carrying her for the rest of the day.
When he took her back he laid her in bed and a servant came in to ask if she needed anything and Kristen had told her that she didn’t need to serve her all she needed to do was point her in the direction of the kitchen. The maid looked happy, but told her that if the king caught her in there he would get really mad and might kick Kristen out. She told her thanks, but she didn’t really care, so the servant pointed to the kitchen.
Kristen snuck down the hall and into the kitchen. She got two snacks and a drink. When she was leaving she ran into a palace guard. “What are you doing Princess Kristen?” asked the bewildered guard.
“Getting a snack.”
“The servants shall get punished for this!”
“No I told them I didn’t want them to get it for me, because I don’t want to make the servants have to serve me!”
“Then come with me!” yelled the palace guard. He picked her up even though she was kicking and screaming. The others came out and were saying something about she is the next queen. Kristen didn’t really pay attention to them, because she just wanted to get out of the guys arms.
“What do you want?” bellowed the king.
“I brought Princess Kristen, because she was getting her own snack and told the servants that they didn’t have to serve her. She commanded them like a queen and wouldn’t take any back talk from them. She is also really good at the ballroom dancing. She would make a good queen.”
“You are right and she is pretty and would make a good queen. All we need to do know is get a prince. You are very lucky Princess Kristen. You have been chosen to be the queen. You will be transferred to a bigger and better room fit for a queen. Oh and by the way let the servants get your stuff. I would like them to do their pay of work. I do pay them by the hour to do stuff and if you just let them romp around I will be paying them to do nothing.” announced the king.
The guard shooed her off and returned in to speak to the king privately. She wondered what they were speaking about, so she went to spy on them. “I want her married to my son. Make sure he is the one picked to be king. I still want my bloodline here on the throne. She is beautiful and would have pretty children. They could rule together and I would still have the throne.” announced the king proudly. Meanwhile Billy walked in and was listening.
“Father, she is beautiful and I do like her. She would make a very fit queen. What if some other boy is chosen though? I want it to be me. I want to rule.” He spotted her and came over and asked, “Hello Princess Kristen, what are you doing here?”
“You planned this didn’t you, for us to meet and become friends and for you to save the day when I am all sorrowful? What if I hadn’t kicked that guy in the ribs and ran? Would you hunt me down or would you choose another princess?” she yelled.
“I would have hunted you down because you are so beautiful and lovely I just want you as my queen. Please don’t be mad.”
“Knock her out guard! She knows to much.” bellowed the king.
The guard came rushing over and raised his fist to knock her out. She quickly pulled Billy over in front of herself and ran. The prince dodged the attack, and yelled, “Get her!”
A bunch of palace guards started to come after her. She ran and all the princesses came out and beckoned her into their room. She ran in and hid under the bed. She got out her snack and unwrapped it to throw the rice patty into a guards face and run out of the window. A guard peaked under and she smeared it into his eyes and jumped out of the window. As soon as she looked down she forgot how high they were and immediately got scared. She fainted and the last thing she remembered was falling into somebody’s arms very lightly like a feather.

Eli Cash · 02-16-2008, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krissy901_830

The first chapter of my story.
Chapter1
Kristen was watching the rode ride past.

Made it exactly this far.

krissy901_830 · 02-16-2008, 08:50 PM

See that is exactly why I put it on this site. I get so wrapped up in my imagination I don't pay attention to what I am writing.

A-L · 02-16-2008, 09:54 PM

The idea behind is nice, but there is definitely some work that could be done.

mythologicalrealities · 02-16-2008, 10:20 PM

Kristen needs to stop 'was'ing and 'were'ing. God I sound like my yr9 English teacher... Creepy.

E.G
"Kristen was heading off to her death on the boat." should become "Kirsten headed to her death on the boat".

Writing this way makes your words more powerful, it absorbs the reader more. Try going through and changing some sentences this way, and see how much better it sounds.

Also, use more variation of words. I noticed that Kirsten 'went' a lot of places. Try writing about the way she moves, or how she feels when she's doing it. 'Went' is OK every once in a while, but there needs to be variation to grip the reader.

Eli Cash · 02-17-2008, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krissy901_830

I think your a little lost so let me fill you in on Kristen's life so far.

On the second read, this is as far as I got.