patrickveech

Hello! I'm totally new to writing, minus what I've evaluated from reading others' works on other sites, but I think I have a bit of a handle on it. I'd like any pointers, evaluations, ect. that anyone can offer. I appreciate anything at all.

Anyway, this story's about a band of... well, you'll see

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"Alright, I think we're able to handle this, given what we're capable of. It's rather interesting anyway..." the soothing voice of Grace trailed off after giving her evaluation of Tristan's idea. She checked the others' reactions, and couldn't come to much of a conclusion about their own thoughts on the subject.

Tristan and his group of friends were simply put, low ranked bandits. They took missions where they could be found, just to scrounge up some pocket cash. So far, there hadn't been many defining missions yet, but that could soon change with the recent possibility of going undercover.

A boy around the age of seventeen decided to speak his mind. "Tristan, just how long would this last? We may not really be leaving much behind for now, but we're still leaving our home."

"It says about one to two months, minus travel time to get there"


"...Alright. So, we should pack now?" the boy named Patrick responded. He liked the idea of an adventure, though he was still at odds with himself, trying to come to grip the sometimes-harsh realities of an adventure.

Tristan didn't need time to ponder that, he simply replied with a nod. The three friends exchanged good-byes, and returned home. It was a beautiful afternoon, he thought to himself.

The view is absolutely stunning this evening, with a rosy-pink sky, puffy clouds, and the sun, of course.

Tristan assumed that the sun had about five minutes left before it began its plunge into the ocean.


(I can explain more, if you'd like...)

shraga

Who is ranking these bandits, is tere some sort of secret scoreboard?
Maybe that should be not very good bandits, or new, etc.

What type of bandits have missions? Bandits are traditionally outlaws why are they going undercover?

A mimatched group of bandits should hardly be worrying about their home.

What says?

This seems unecessary, its more likely that a boy age seventeen would be excited for adventure, and only after being on one would he be worried about the harsh realities.

Huh? where are you going with this, where is this going with this.
The last few lines are a little confusing

Keep at it.

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Shraga Y. Weissmann
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Please comment on my humorous short story Chompers Thanks!

patrickveech

Well, most of your questions are only questions because I haven't revealed any part of the plot yet, so that's why it may seem odd.

Is there anything else you can recommend?

Bucky24

This is a little bumpy to read, at least for me. I would put it like this:
Or
Then again, it could just be a matter of personal opinion.

There should be a comma, instead of a period at the end, followed by a short explanation of why this is a possibility.

This would also remove the problem that shraga spoke of above, about not knowing what "it" was, since the reader would know what "it" meant.

I got the feeling in the beginning that there were more than three. A group tends to indicate that there are 4 or 5 people. I think that you should make the fact that there are only three of them plain in the beginning.

And I agree with the above post: the last few lines of the story made no sense whatsoever. If he's gonna be commenting on the sunset, at least put some explaination in as to why he is doing that. Even if it's just random thoughts, make sure the reader knows this. It will help to develop the character.

Hope that helps!

-Bucky24

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