Helix Spire - Page 3 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 06:19 AM

Chapter 3 – Ten thousand American dollars…

The alleyway was dark and dingy. A cat ran from behind a nearby garbage bin and off into the distance. Ahead of the bin was a woman. Normally, at that time of the night and the location she was in, people would have assumed her to be a prostitute. However, she was the complete opposite. She was carrying a briefcase and even in the darkness, the initials H.S. were clearly visible. This woman knew what she was doing was extremely dangerous both to her and to the company. However, it needed to be done. Whenever Valaski personally gave his staff an order, they knew it was serious…

The woman checked her watch. It was 11:25 PM. Her contact was already fifteen minutes late and she knew Valaski wouldn’t be pleased if she went back to him empty handed. Eventually, a figure appeared from behind the wall ahead of her. Seeing he was carrying a briefcase, she realised her contact had finally arrived. As he approached, she laid the briefcase on top of a nearby bin and flipped open the lid. Inside was a similar needle to the one that her boss, Valaski, introduced to the world almost a week ago. She didn’t want her contact to know she was carrying it and so slid it into her pocket, for its purpose wasn’t needed yet. Also inside the briefcase was a black envelope with “CONFIDENTIAL” scrawled on the front in white lettering. The envelope contained information that could, essentially, bring down the entire U.S. government and cripple the entire country. The information was all about Goldburn and the shady dealings he had been doing recently. Valaski had obtained the information from a client he liked to title as “The syndicate” when referencing them to his staff. However, Valaski wanted the man stood on front of her to hold the information. However, she knew that a man like Valaski wouldn’t just let anybody keep the envelope. He obviously had a plan…

“Are you from Helix spire?” asked the man in a gruff and violent manner

“Listen. You know where I’m from. Just take the envelope, give me samples and we will leave” she replied in the same tone of voice. The man grinned slightly as he hoisted his own briefcase onto the bin.

“Its Carla isn’t it? You’re Valaski’s favourite aren’t you?” smiled the man as he lifted a smaller briefcase from within the larger one. Carla looked stunned as she heard what he had to say.

“I would ask you how you knew that but I doubt you would tell me would you?!” replied Carla as she took the metal case from the man. Just as she was about to examine the contents, he took hold of her hand.

“I know what he is making you do. You don’t have to act like his slave just to please him! We would welcome somebody like you to our company” he whispered in a comforting manner. “Helix spire isn’t the right place for a woman like you”

“How dare you! Valaski has acted like nothing more than a father to me since I started working there and you come to me saying he is ‘enslaving’ me?!” shouted Carla as she threw his hand off hers. “I would rather stick pins in my eyes than work for you”

“He would treat you like his own – you look just like her…”

“I beg your pardon?” asked Carla upon hearing his latest remark. “I hope you aren’t suggesting…”

“You know exactly what I mean and you know that’s why he is so nice to you more than the others. It’s only a matter of time…” he said whilst closing his briefcase.

Carla placed the metal box into her own briefcase and slammed it shut. But as far as she was concerned, the meeting was far from over. As the man turned to walk back to his car, she withdrew the needle from her pocket and in one swift movement, jammed it directly into the mans skull. He writhed in agony and dropped to the ground, his case dropping with him. Carla stepped over his immobile corpse and removed the envelope from his pockets. Valaski had given her strict instructions – remove the obstacle with any force required and obtain the dossier. The envelope she was supposed to be collecting was a red one and a red one only. However, the words of the man in front of her were still echoing in her ears. What if Valaski was just using her? As the words remained in her mind, she placed the red envelope into her pocket – and also taking the black one Valaski had delivered to her…

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It was 5PM and the ‘Red-ax Theatre’ was illuminating the area around it. The neon lights were extremely bright and as Chad, Nico and Florence approached in the car, the lights made sure their friends were visible at the entrance. James, Lydia and another figure were stood at the doors to the cinema. Florence was going off to donate her DNA at the donation centre straight after dropping them off.

The car pulled up directly in front of the three people waiting at the doors. James was the same age as Nico and they had been extremely good friends since they were young. James’s father, Terry, was on the same boat that Nico’s father was on that killed them both. Unlike Nico, however, James took the news better than anyone could’ve imagined. Lydia was James’s girlfriend and was a year older than any of the boys. She was a tall girl with legs Chad liked to describe as ‘stiletto heaven’ and, everytime they met, Nico always became fixated with the size of her breasts. She was a pleasant girl and her family were from a rich background. Her mother was actually a member of staff at the Helix spire headquarters in New York City. No matter how much pressure they applied to her, she wouldn’t give any details on what went on inside Helix spire. Chad knew, however, she couldn’t give any details because her mother would’ve been fired of she told them anything.

“Hey guys. Wow! Sure looking sexy tonight lyd!” laughed Nico excitedly. Seeing James’s face, Chad elbowed his brother in the arm – a friendly warning to shut his mouth. Florence didn’t say anything as she drove away from the cinema and, realising they were getting soaked by the downpour, all of them ran inside the cinema.

“So who are you?” asked Chad to the other girl who seemed to be tagging along with them. She was of similar age to Lydia and her hair was something to die for. She was slim and carrying a handbag that looked almost too expensive to be carrying around in Texas.

“Oh I’m Tia. I’m Lydia’s sister” she said as she carried on tagging alongside James. “She probably hasn’t mentioned me…”

“I only found out you exist a few days ago!” laughed Lydia as she heard Tia’s comments.

“Well if you’re anything like your sister, I’m sure you look damn fine in a pair of heels!” smiled Nico. Chad had almost given up on telling him to stop making such remarks – he never listened to them.

It was almost half an hour after they had entered the cinema that the film actually begun. It was called ‘An hour till the start’ and was about a family who discover that they are being haunted by a family who used to live in their house – intent on getting their blood. Lydia had made it clear she didn’t want to see a film involving blood and gore but, when given the choice between watching the film or staying at home alone with a glass of wine and the telly, she chose the film.

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“What do you mean you lost it?!!” bellowed Valaski as he slammed the red envelope on his desk. Carla was stood in front of him looking scared and nervous. “Let me get this straight. You got the red envelope but didn’t check to see if it had anything in it?!”

“I’m sorry sir but I thought there would be something in…”

“I don’t want your pathetic excuses Carla!! You were told specifically to get the damn envelope no matter what the costs! You’ve disappointed me darling!” yelled Valaski as he walked over to the huge window behind his desk. Beneath it was a view of New York City with amazing skyscrapers visible. The headquarters building of Helix spire was taller than the empire state building…

“I don’t know what to say Mr. Valaski. I’m sorry. But he was making all sorts of accusations against you” Carla whispered, a tear forming in her eye. She hated seeing the man who had treated her so well upset because of her.

“What do you mean accusations?! What kind?” asked Valaski, suddenly starting to calm down and speak more pleasantly. “Come on Carla tell me for Christ’s sake!”

“He said … he said that you were only treating me nicely because I looked like her… that I looked like your ex-wife…” Carla told Valaski. She didn’t know how he would react to her telling him she looked like his ex-wife, who was dead.

“I’m ashamed to think that you believe that piece of filth. Don’t you realise he would’ve said anything to try and make you go to his company? Why you stupid stupid girl!” shouted Valaski as he stared into Carla’s eyes. Seeing that she was clearly upset, he turned away from her to break their eye contact.

“You do know what this means now? The reward fund for the donators… We can’t keep it at twenty thousand dollars any longer. I want you to contact my lawyers and tell them to change the contract to ten thousand dollars. You can do that without failing cant you?” asked Valaski with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“Yes Mr. Valaski.”

“One more thing before you go Carla.” Valaski said as she made for the door. Upon hearing his command, she went up to his desk. “I know about the pregnancy.”

“How did you…”

“Carla… This is Helix spire. We can learn anything. We know it’s a girl” revealed Valaski. He turned around and put his hand on Carla’s shoulder. “What are you going to name her?”

“No you have me mistaken Mr. Valaski. Im not pregnant anymore. I’m fostering a child from a family in London.” She replied. Valaski looked stunned to hear that his information had been incorrect.

“You were pregnant though what happened?”

“I had a miscarriage. So I went through all the procedures of adopting. It’s not easy because I live alone but, seeing as I work for you, they are letting me foster a child from London. Her parents died last month in a murder attack. She’s only 12 years old the poor thing” Carla informed Valaski as she remembered all the details the adoption agency had told her. “That useless waste of space wont be around anymore to hurt me or my daughter. I can’t believe I ever let myself get pregnant by him…”

“What’s the girls’ name?”

“Lydia…”

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salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 06:31 AM

UPDATE:

- I know that the flashbacks are seemingly taking more space now but that will change. The whole of chapter 4 is set in the present day and chapter 5 will only feature a small character flashback. Chapter 4 signals the start of something huge...

- The mysteries i think i have raised so far are:
i) Who are the man and the woman in the first two chapters?
ii) Did Chad and Nicos father actually die on a boat like they had been told?...
iii) What are Helix spires true motives?
iv) Who is Valaskis mysterious ex-wife?
v) Carla... What is she all about?! First shes behind Valaski 100% then shes stealing evidence from him then she goes back to being loyal...
vi) Lydia and Tia. Seeing as Lydia is adopted by Carla, is Tia an actual daughter of Carla or is she too adopted? Or, has she suddenly decided to find her sister after all these years...
vii) Did Lydias parents die like they were presumed to have or were there alternate methods involved?...
viii) What exactly was in the red and black envelopes that Carla took?
ix) Who is 'The Syndicate'?
x) Whats the company that seems to be rivalling Helix spire and who do they work for??

I could go on but id rather not lol

And to clear up any possible confusion: Carla IS NOT the woman seen taking notes at the end of Valaskis presentation in chapter 2! There are two different people...

Also:

Chapter 4 is called 'The group of mysterious strangers'. It may sound like a boring old chapter but believe me, this chapter signals amassive chain of events that will run through the entire story...

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoy writing it. As always, feedback is crucial as i will be starting to edit my chapters very soon. I will take all feedback into consideration when i am doing this.

Chow XXX

salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 11:38 AM

Hello guys!

Before i posted chapter 3, i had already begun work on chapter 4 and i have just finished it so, without furhter adom here is chapter 4 - The group of mysterious strangers. Lets just say, Carla is in it, there are people in it with guns, someone gets abducted and a lot of new questions are introduced. Enjoy!

salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 11:39 AM

Chapter 4 – The group of mysterious strangers

Florence had been driving for over fifteen minutes to the donation centre. She kept thinking how a quick, 5 second process would make her ten thousand dollars richer. What could she do with all that money?... She always knew that Helix spire could’ve chosen her name at any given time but people had said that it was just a chance of whether you got lucky or not. After all, the past few years had been anything but easy for her and the boys. They worshipped their father and to have him just taken from them so suddenly was a travesty. After all the years of hurt, misery and a suicide attempt, things were finally beginning to pick up. Ten thousand dollars was on the horizon and Chad was looking at finishing school with at least five A’s. Nico, however, was lucky to be getting away with D’s but she was their mother, and she would love them no matter what grades they got or what they chose to do with their lives.

At last, after what seemed like an eternity of driving along dark roads, the glowing Helix spire DNA donation centre loomed into view. The building was only just bigger than the school cantine but was big enough to house over ten doctors and nurses to guide the patients through the DNA donation process. The glowing lights lit up the otherwise black logo that read ‘Helix spire – Texas’ and so Florence knew she had arrived at her destination. Two burly guards were stood outside the entrance taking the invitation letters that people had received as proof that they had indeed been invited to donate their DNA. Florence double checked that she had brought her letter with her because if she couldn’t prove who she was, she knew what would happen. The car drew to a close in a vacant parking slot. Another car behind her was eyeing up the same spot and so when Florence took it, the man behind the wheel gave an annoyed look and went off to locate another one.

The security guard at the entrance eyed her up like she was a criminal before stretching his arm and hand out to her.

“Invitation please” he demanded without the slightest hint of pleasantness. Florence un-folded the letter out, checked it again to make sure it was the letter she needed, and then handed it to the man. He read through it, pulled out a stamping mechanism from his pocket and placed a red stamp on the corner of the piece of paper that read ‘Accepted’. Then, Florence passed between them both and into the main lobby of the centre.

There were at least eight desks in the room – each with a chair next to it with a device that extracted the DNA. All of the seats were filled with patients so she had to sit down in a chair to wait to be called over. The man sat next to her was very shifty and looked like he hadn’t slept for days. Florence could see that he was shaking slightly and thought about offering him a tissue as tears began raining from his eyes – but she knew a man in a state like that could’ve reacted in any way possible.

The main lobby was extremely high-tech. The computers were running on operating systems that hadn’t even been developed yet and were made by Helix spire’s technology team. Valaski had personally made sure that their system was void of hackers and inaccessible by computer criminals. Just under six months ago, Florence remembered reading in the newspaper that someone had broken through Helix spire’s firewall settings and gained access to thousands, possibly millions, of data crucial to the company. Just over a week later, he was found dead in a pool of his own blood…

“Miss. Hilton? Would you like to sit down?” called out a pretty receptionist sitting at one of the desks. The man who had been sitting there previously walked away with a cheque in his hand and a plaster on his wrist just in-case any blood came from the small incision. The mechanism they used to take the DNA looked very threatening and dangerous but she was re-assured that it was completely harmless and wouldn’t cause any harm to her. Florence sat down in the chair and placed her wrist into the device. The other lady gently pulled the strap over her wrist and secured it into place before configuring the device. Within seconds of sitting down, the device made a tiny, but audible, beeping sound and then the lady removed the strap and the device underneath the holder.

“Thank you Miss. Hilton. I will just write you a cheque now and then you will leave ten thousand dollars richer!” gleamed the doctor as she scribbled the words onto the cheque. “Hope you have a nice evening”

Florence stood up from the chair and collected her handbag from the same chair. However, as she was walking for the door, the entrance doors suddenly slammed shut. Seeing what was happening, all of the doctors rose from their seats and pulled a pistol from beneath their desks. Whatever was happening, the staff were all prepared. Suddenly, a man ran down the stairs to the left of a desk and to a taller podium like stand.

“Ladies and gentlemen. Please try to stay calm. It appears that New York City has been… well… attacked” he yelled across the room. His words did little to reassure the occupants and everyone started screaming and panicking. Florence didn’t do either. She stood there in total shock at what the man had just told them all. New York had been attacked but he didn’t say what by. She stood on top of the desk she donated her DNA from and shouted as loud as she could.

“Will everyone just shut up for a second?!!” she yelled across the room. Everyone went quiet and looked up at her. “Right then. What has attacked New York? Terrorists?!”

“No. Not terrorists. It’s like… something has blown up the empire state building…” the man said as he looked out of the window at the top of the building. “We don’t know what’s caused it but the tower has just…got a hole inside it!”

“When did this happen? Just now or what?!” shouted Florence. She was trying to sound authoritive but was extremely scared. “Tell me!”

“It happened about an hour ago but the fire services couldn’t get there quickly enough. The building hasn’t collapsed but there’s a massive hole in it.” Replied the man calmly.

“If that’s the case why have you locked down this building?!” ordered Florence indicating to the locked doors. “Let us out we will be a lot safer in our own homes than in here!”

“You see lady, or can I call you Miss. Hilton, we can’t do that” said another voice to the right of her. Florence turned her head around and saw a woman striding towards her in a very expensive black suit with an amazing pair of black heels to match. Her hair was flung back behind her head in a neat fashion and her skin seemed to gleam in the light.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Carla Metcalf and I am a member of staff at the Helix spire H.Q.” she smiled as she extended her hand for Florence. She didn’t take it and so Carla placed it back into her other palm. “We cannot let you out of here because we are being targeted by terrorists ourselves. If you ask me, the people watching this building caused that explosion but that’s just my opinion…”

“You keep saying there has been an explosion but I didn’t hear anything! And who is watching this building?” asked Florence shakily at the thought that she was in a room full of hostages.

“Well we can only describe them as terrorists because we don’t know who they are. All we know is that they sent someone into this building to spy for them and now we are in this position” Carla explained. She turned away from Florence and faced the other patients in the lobby. “If we all remain calm and do as you’re all told, we will ALL get out of this alive. Do you all understand?”

Each of the people in the room nodded slightly and began to calm down dramatically. Some of them still looked shaky and others looked like they were going to faint but they all did as they were told and calmed down. However, Florence wasn’t convinced that everything Carla was telling her was the truth.

“You didn’t answer my question. If there was an explosion, why didn’t any of us hear it?!” she demanded. Carla turned back around and stared at her thoroughly. “If you’re telling the truth, Ms. Metcalf, an explosion of that magnitude would’ve been heard across the entire state!”

Carla smiled at Florence’s question. There were definitely some gaps in the story she was telling the people. However, no-one other than Florence seemed to be picking up on this fact. Carla walked over a laptop nearby and brought it over to Florence. On the screen was a news broadcast on the Helix spire website saying:

BREAKING NEWS!!

There has been an explosion at the empire state building around an hour ago. We don’t have many details on what caused the explosion or whether there were any casualties or who caused the event, but we will update you soon!

“Fair enough. There was an explosion. But why didn’t we hear it?” Florence asked for the third time. It seemed that Carla was trying to avoid the question.

“You didn’t hear it because the explosion wasn’t caused by human activity. We aren’t sure what caused it but whatever was used, it created an explosion that wasn’t audible to the human ear. This is technology nobody has discovered yet. The ability to cause such destruction with a mere few decibels!!” said Carla confidently. Everyone in the room looked horrified at what Carla had just announced. “That’s the reason why no-body heard it. The human ear isn’t designed to pick up noises of that magnitude”

Before Florence had the chance to pose another question to Carla, the front doors suddenly smashed open. Three men and a woman stormed in, each carrying an assault rifle and wearing gas masks. Following their entry were two grenades that slid into the crowd of people. A gas-like substance emitted from the grenades and one by one, the people in the room started dropping to the ground in comatose states. Florence saw what was happening and ran for the door but one of the men who had stormed in grabbed her arm and brought her swinging back round. Then, the woman with them slammed her gun into her face and knocked her out unconscious.

“Nice to meet you. My names Carla Metcalf how do you do?” she said casually, seemingly unaware of what was happening around her.

“Why aren’t you dropping like the others?! What are you?” one of the men said from beneath their gas mask.

“I’m human, I’m sorry you didn’t accept my invitation of a greeting. I just thought you would like to say something before I did this!”

Carla quickly moved her hand into her back pocket and pulled out a gun. Without stopping, she waved it in front of one of the men and pulled the trigger. There wasn’t a bullet that hit him, however, but a dart. Immediately, the man dropped his rifle and fell to the ground in a comatose state. His friends were about to shoot Carla when two darts came out of nowhere and hit them in the neck too. By then there were only three people conscious in the room – Carla and two men standing on the stairs with identical guns to her.

“Take them all away. As for her… Take her as well. Her DNA showed some alarming results. She could be one of them.” Ordered Carla to the other men. They came down the stairs and scooped each of the ‘soldiers’ onto their shoulders. “Get her into the van. She’s coming with us. Just dump those three into the lake. No-one will miss them. As for everyone else – just leave them to come round. I’ll sort out the press story when they all come round.”

As everyone around her began getting to work on what she had told them all to do, Carla walked over to her desk, which was significantly different to the other ones. She opened one of the drawers and pulled out a small computer device. The stylus was extremely delicate and, carefully, she pushed the DNA sample that belonged to Florence inside it. Valaski needed to know what she might’ve found. For the first time in the existence of Helix spire, she had found one of them… However, she couldn’t neglect the fact she still had work to do. But before she aided her colleagues on their massive cover-up story, she pulled a photograph from her pocket. There was a girl on the front with short blond hair and beautiful eyes.

“One day I will find you sweetheart. And when I do, God help these bastards that took you…”

salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 11:48 AM

UPDATE:

These are some questions i think i have raised in chapter 4. Bear in mind that people who have read the introduction i made on page 1 of this thread will already know Helix spires true intentions, even though there is a lot more to it:

- Who tried to commit suicide? At the start of chapter 4, Florence reminsices about the past few years and that someone tried to kill themselves...
- Who broke into Helix spires database and how did they do it?!
- How does one create an explosion that doesnt carry enough decibels for it to be heard by the human ear?!!!!
- Whats changed Carla from being sensitive and always relying on Valaski to being a cold hearted cow?
- Helix spire has a website?!!!!!!

- Who are the 'soldiers' that stormed the building?
- How is it that the staff already seem aware that the soldiers are going to attack?
- Why doesnt Carla collapse when the gas hits?...
- (assuming you havent read my introduction), What does Helix spire discover in Florences DNA?
- Who is the girl in Carlas photgraph, why is she important and who is 'the bastards' that Carla says took the girl?

A lot of questions from one chapter lol.

Chow XXX

Jtjp · 03-14-2008, 01:58 PM

I just read ch.1... It is a very good idea and you write about it well. I can't wait to read the next chapters.
The only thing that I caught (I think) is
But you don’t seem to be grasping that fact…”
I am a little tired and may be following the story wrong, but if the above quote was directed to a President...isn't it a little bit insulting.
I know that there is a panic button in the room, but if it is a President, wouldn't there be at least one secrete service around at all times.
The man in the room with the gun grabbed my attention and his story caused me to be sympathetic. There should be something more to him...Like my initial thought was "How did he get in there with a gun?" "Is he a professional (like does he sneak around a lot or is he just a brother ...hmmm...letme reword this...like was he sitting there calm (before he pulled out the gun) or was he a little bit nervouse. But like does he have blood on his fingers from the confrontations he had to go thru to get to the room, or is their a tear on his sleeve from scaling the outside walls (or slidding through the vent system).
Is he a part of the agency that spys on Helix or is he a brother revenging his sister...or both?

salmon the creative · 03-14-2008, 03:08 PM

Nice question, but i deliberatley concealed information about this man. He is- in fact, an important character and all will be explained later on in the book via an individual character flashback. Everything will be explained about who he is, whether he does actually work as a spy, how he got past security etc. The office scene is far from over...

salmon the creative · 03-15-2008, 03:25 PM

UPDATE:

- I am writing chapter 5 tonight, which is called 'The syndicates instructions'.
- More questions will be introduced

but some WILL be answered, trust me on that one.

- I am going to introduce a new character into the present day timeline*

*Helix spire is essentially set around three timelines - the past timeline, the present day timeline and the future timeline (which wont make an appearance till near the end). The idea of using three timelines came to me last night because it makes sense. Eventually though, those timelines will collide into one...

Again, feedback and comments are needed

animator · 03-15-2008, 07:29 PM

I like the story
I think it is perfect
it's just I don't like the chapter titles
thought they were to long

salmon the creative · 03-16-2008, 05:50 PM

personally i dont think the chapter names are that long but thats just my opinion...

thx for the feedback anyway

salmon the creative · 03-17-2008, 10:55 AM

UPDATE:

Chapter 5 is now available for critism and feedback but not on this thread. As some of you may be aware, i have created this thread again but in the 'critique and advice' section of this forum as it suits it more there. Below is the link to the new thread which i would kindly ask that everyone who wants to make comments on this tory to make it there. I will not be posting future chapters in this thread anymore but in the new thread.

http://www.writingforums.com/critiqu...lix-spire.html