Helix Spire - Page 2 - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

salmon the creative · 03-05-2008, 06:56 PM

Chapter 2 – A hot proposal

21st march, 2007. It was 3:08 AM and Chad Hilton, a 16 year old high school student, sat up in bed. He had just had a rather vivid dream of a random woman being set upon by a gang of thieves and left for dead. He had read somewhere that peoples dreams were influenced by what the owner had been through that day. Obviously, those people were wrong…

Chad sat further up in bed. He didn’t want to wake his brother, Nico, who slept in the same room as him. If he did he would have a full blown rebellion against him. He leaned to the side and tried to get back to sleep but didn’t seem to be succeeding. Useless, he thought. He stretched his arms and grasped a glass of water on his bedside table. As he sipped the cool water, gently laced with ice at the bottom, he remembered what his father had used to tell him.

“If ever you find yourself struggling to sleep, the best thing to do is not to sleep”.

Even after five years, Chad still missed his father. He had supposedly gone on a boat trip with a few of his colleagues from work but they later got the news that the boat had capsized and everyone on board had been killed. His mother, Florence, had originally been mortified and spent the next two tears in a state of deep depression but long chats with her therapist had sorted that out. Chad knew she still wasn’t the woman she once was but she was definitely over the grieving period. Nico, however, changed dramatically after his father’s death. Long gone was the clever, bright and quiet student and in came the rebellious, wayward teenager. Things had changed dramatically but the past was to be left the past…

Chad suddenly awoke. The clock on his bedside table read 7AM. Amazingly, he didn’t even realise he had gone back to sleep. All that thinking and reminiscing must’ve sent him back to sleep. The day ahead was going to be a long one. Chad, Nico and their friends, James and Lydia had arranged to meet at the cinema but as he looked out of the window, he was wondering whether the meeting would still go ahead. The clouds were a pure shade of grey and rain was thundering down onto the ground beneath them. Still, a bit of rain wouldn’t stop him…

Chad walked into the kitchen. His mother was busy preparing the breakfast and Nico was sat in the chair writing something that looked like obscene gestures on his school notebook.

“Oh dear Nico. I do wish you wouldn’t do that all over your school books. It doesn’t look very nice now does it?” tutted Florence as she stared down at the mass of artwork on the notebook.

“Mum, no offence right. But shut the hell up” replied Nico as he continued drawing a one-handed gesture on the book. “Anyway, we still going to the cinema today because that rain looks like a flipping monsoon”

“I don’t know I’ll have to check with the others but looks like we wont be going after all” said Chad with a hint of disappointment in his voice. However, he was secretly dropping hints to his mother in the hope she would offer to take them there. Soon enough, his plan came true.

“Well if you like I could drop you two off. I’m going to the groceries anyway and it’s on my way. It will stop you getting caught up in that weather” offered Florence as she lay the breakfast on the table.

“Yeah I don’t see why not. The film starts at like, 2 o clock so we will need to set off around eleven thirty.” Said Nico as he finished what he was doing. Chad always thought it weird that one minute he was being nasty to their mother then the next he was pleasant and as nice as an angel.

“Oh I forgot to tell you boys. I got a letter through the door yesterday. You will never guess what it was about!” smiled Florence as she hunted around for the same letter she was describing. “Helix spire wants me to donate a strand of my DNA for ten thousand dollars guaranteed! What do you think?!”

“I’m not so sure mum. I mean, giving your DNA for money is one thing but you don’t exactly know what they’re going to use it for do you?” replied Chad as he surveyed the letter. The letter was indeed from Helix Spire and read:

Dear Miss. Hilton,

We are pleased to inform you that during an observation of the U.S.A census, your name was chosen to participate in the Helix spire DNA donation scheme. Of course, this isn’t a mandatory thing you must do but think of some of the things you will be contributing to. In September 2004, Helix spire became the first company in the world to develop a working cure for breast cancer in female women. We could not have done this without the donations of DNA by people like you.

If you would like to become a member of the DNA donation scheme this year, please visit your local Helix spire donation centre where one of our representatives will be on hand to guide you through the donation process. As you may have read, our company doesn’t let your kind donations go without recognition. Each donator is guaranteed a total of ten thousand American dollars regardless of whether we use their DNA or not.

If we do not hear from you in the next 2 weeks, we will assume you wouldn’t like to contribute to the scheme and we will then allocate your slot to another member of the public.

Yours sincerely,

Phillip Valaski
Helix spire manager

“What is there not to take the risk for? Even if they don’t use my DNA I still come away with ten thousand dollars!” smiled Florence as she put the letter back into the cupboard. “In fact, I was going to go to the donation centre after I’ve been to the grocers today.”

“Well if you ask me mum, I think you should go for it. Like you said what exactly have you got to lose?” replied Nico. Chad knew he only wanted her to go through with it in the thought that he would get loads of gifts out of her prize fund.

It was the year 2002, 3rd January. The scene was set for the first opening of the Texas Helix spire DNA donation centre. Just over three weeks ago, news had spread of the dramatic showdown in the president’s office and almost every newspaper had a different take of the events. One had said that the president had killed the armed man himself whilst others said that a Mr. Phillip Valaski had been found out to be the owner of a torture based group. Regardless of all that, the president had given the scheme his backing and the first DNA donation centre was merely hours away from opening. It was rumoured that Phillip Valaski himself was going to be making an appearance as this was, after all, the first DNA donation centre of possibly hundreds.

The crowd was gathered around a small black building. The words ‘Helix spire Texas DNA.D.C’ were illuminated above the entrance and, even from a distance, there were people visible inside the building. Even though doubts about Helix spire’s true motives had been cast in people’s minds, they weren’t uncertain about the fact that this company was around to break world medical records. Whether they liked it or not, Valaski and his organization weren’t going anywhere…

It was three thirty PM. Valaski was scheduled to arrive at four PM although people were sure that a man like him wouldn’t be late nor early to his own opening. There was a huge crowd of people standing around – all being held back by a line of burly security guards. After all -Valaski had already been threatened once who could assume it wouldn’t happen again? The selection of people in the crowd didn’t show any recognisable pattern. There were old aged women and men. There were mothers with their teenage sons. There were men with their wives. There were babies in pushchairs and there were people sat in wheelchairs. For all those people had been personally invited by Helix spire to become the company’s first ever DNA donators. Not only that but they had also been each given a sum of twenty thousand American dollars. Some people considered it as a reward for their contribution – others considered it a bribe.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a black limousine arrived from around the corner of the street. It was obvious who the occupier was as a bunch of hungry paparazzi were busy snapping photographs as they ran dangerously close to the limo. The security men pushed the crowd to either side for the limo to be allowed passage through. As it did so, they allowed the crowd to reform the near perfect hemisphere around the building. The paparazzi were also kept from nearing Valaski. Phillip stepped out of the car dressed in an alarmingly expensive suit and carrying a neat and important looking briefcase – the initials H.S. inscribed upon the front cover. The door was slammed shut behind him and Valaski walked up the stairs to the entrance of the building. All around him were flashes of dazzling white light as more and more photographs were taken.

“Ladies and gentlemen. I would like to thank you all for coming today for the very first opening of the Helix spire Texas DNA donation centre.” Valaski announced from where he was stood. “As you may or may not be aware, Helix spire has been welcomed into your lives by President. Goldburn and we can only hope we can do everything we can to prove to you, the citizens of the U.S.A that we can, and will, break medical records. Now, I would like to show you all a demonstration of how the DNA donation process is done”

Valaski laid the briefcase on top of a wooden stand that had been produced for him to use during his presentation. He fumbled about inside for a while before producing a long needle. But it was no ordinary needle. Instead of there being a sharp metal prick on the end, there was a rather peculiar looking laser device. No-one in the crowd had ever seen something like it before and so they didn’t know where to look. Valaski then scanned the crowd for someone he was clearly looking to be a volunteer and then pointed at someone.

“You sir. Would you like to be the first person to ever donate DNA?” offered Valaski with a grin on his face. The man he had pointed to was around twenty years old and, under close observation, didn’t spear to have anything wrong with him. It was only when he began walking up the steps did it appear that he only had one leg. The other leg was a prosthetic one.

“Now. The donation process is actually quite simple. All we do is insert the specially designed needle into a vein in the wrist and the special computer chip inside will extract a single strand of DNA. There will be no pain and no side effects.” Announced Valaski as he showed the crowd how it was done. Like he had said, he placed the needle onto the mans wrist and, as he flicked a switch on the device, a small, but audible, beep emitted and then Valaski removed the device.

“This technology was designed for us by our technological experts and was also aided by NASA. This device now contains a single strand of the patients DNA which we will take away with use and analyse.” Said Valaski as he placed the needle into a small black cuboid and then closed his briefcase. “As you know, the process is free and after it is done, we will write you a check for twenty thousand American dollars. No pain. No fuss.”

Valaski pulled a cheque book from his back pocket and with a flip of his pen, ripped the cheque off and handed it to the man, who now looked delighted and with a face full of glee. Valaski walked down the steps and just before he got back into his limo, he nodded to a nearby security guard who then pulled a pair of scissors and cut a neat line into a band of red ribbon surrounding the door. It was at this point that the door to the limo closed and the crowd began to rush through the doors of the donation centre.

But from a distance, one woman neither moved nor attempted to remove her pen from her notebook. She had no intentions of donating her DNA and was only there to observe Valaski’s presentation. After all, one newspaper on the bench near her read:

Everyone has another agenda…

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 04:13 AM

I apologise for the sudden break from the present day into the flashback. When i copied and pasted from word into here the line that i used to seperate them so you could tell where the flashback began disappeared and i dont seem to be able to get it back into the story. Again, i apologise but it isnt my fault.

By the way:

If you are wondering why it the flashback the prize fund is twenty thousand dollars instead of ten, that ISNT a mistake. The title for chapter 3 is actually "twn thousand american dollars" so this will be explained in the chapter, as well as introducing more new characters into the plotline. Also, the mysterious armed amn and the notepad woman in chapters one and two are actually crucial figures in the story later on in the book so they will not be explained for some time.

Anyways, i hope you enjoy what ive done so far. Again, feedback is extremely welcome and i will take EVERY comment into consideration when i am editing each chatpter.

Thankx

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 04:15 AM

and forgive my typos

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 01:55 PM

Please leave feedback its crucial to me when i am editing the story

animator · 03-06-2008, 02:29 PM

WOW
that is rly good
atleast I think it is rly good

A-L · 03-06-2008, 03:30 PM

Definitely an interesting read. I really like how you fleshed out this Valaski character. Good job.

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 03:40 PM

well Valaski is probably the character with the most depth and background. Before he started at Helix spire he was a good person. He worked on science for the good of mankind and he was, genuinely, one of the nicest people someone couldve met. Obviously, things have changed and instead of him being the nice guy he has turned into the mass villain. Obviously, several "Valaski flashbacks" will explain how he has transformed from those two different personalities

Gate · 03-06-2008, 03:46 PM

you remind me of robert ludlum on acid I love it .....

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 03:54 PM

well i shall take that as a compliment then lmao

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 04:02 PM

BTW, i need a bit of advice.

Im about to start writing chapter 3 in about 90 minutes lol but i need to know something: Do you think that i should do another flashback or not? If i was to do another flashback, i would make it an individual character flashback.

Also, i dont want to do a flashback EVERY chapter but i want the reader to be aware of whats going on

And may i ask: what is everyones personal opinion of my idea to include flashbacks? Do you think they intergrate well with the story??

HippoHead · 03-06-2008, 06:51 PM

hhehehe

yea same stuff as everyone else
24 and lost's lovechild!

and yeah include flashbacks - maks it interesting

gogogogog 3

salmon the creative · 03-06-2008, 06:54 PM

lol hippohead you crazy ass mother ********* lol

She did pick me you know so i win! HA!

Anyways, im takin my own thread off-topic lmao that cant happen back on topic

HippoHead · 03-06-2008, 07:00 PM

ano
wot a tart!

shes being very rude
using naughty words that would make gene hunt blush.

i can get her to see the light though

oh yeah helix spire, helix spire, helix spire <<< jst to keep things on topic

king601 · 03-06-2008, 11:01 PM

Interesting. You could improve on your flashbacks by saying a transitional line in between them and the flash back. Unless you did and my memory sucks... which happens. Keep the flashbacks and I would try and include one in every chapter... but that's just me.

salmon the creative · 03-07-2008, 04:41 AM

Ive just had an idea!

I could make it so that what happened in the PAST reflects onto what happens in the FUTURE. Im guessing that no-one else knows what i mean lmao but i do

And that would mean a flashback in each chapter because with this story, what happened in the past is incredibly important.

And thx to everyone for the feedback i got so carried away last ngiht with, "other stuff" lmao that i forgot to begin on chapter 3!!! So sorry guys but it will be a bit later than what i predicted sorry