TevenB

I posted my story here before awhile ago, but no one responded. I am posting it again because i added a lot more and hope to finish it really soon. I'm hoping to become a writer someday professionally, so ANY criticism would be greatly appreciated. I copied and pasted from Notepad, so if it looks screwy, my apologies.

Chapter 1: Getting Ready

Once upon a time, in a land of great turmoil. There was a warrior named Zilis who fought off the armies of the evil goblins. Zilis had amazing strength and determination. While he was fighting them, it sounded like thunder and lightning: "Crack, Pow, Bam!"

The armies of goblins fell at his feet and he was proclaimed champion of the kingdom of Trill. The king gave him an audience and he knighted him. "Oh brave and powerful warrior, you have saved us from the clutches of the Sigil." , "We thank you".

"Aiden.......Aiden!", "What!?" I said. "Quit writing for a few minutes and come help me with cleaning up." My mom said. "Oh mom, i was really close in having Zilis run into a huge ogre!" i said with grief, "Well, you will have to continue some other time, right now we have to get ready to move."

Me and my family were getting ready to move away from my home in Sacramento, California. We are going to Ireland to visit my grandmother and take care of her because she's ill. And with my grandfather already passed there's no one to do it for us. In part i was really excited, i have never been to Ireland, but at the same time i was sad to leave my best friends behind.

"Aiden, you have a call from Ian" my mother said with a sigh. "Awesome, cool!" "Just remember, you dont get off the hook that easy, you still have to help!", "Fine". "Hey Ian!" i jolted, "Hey Aiden, im really going to miss you when you go to Ireland." he said in a sad tone. "So will i" "Aiden, what part of Ireland are you going to?" "Hmm, i dont know, i'll ask!" "MOM, WHAT PART OF IRELAND ARE WE MOVING TO!!?" , "OW, not so loud!". "Uuh, were going to Killarney!" she said back. "Were going to Killarney, Ireland". "Why do you ask?". "I was just curious" he answered. "Well Ian, i will be able to see you tomorrow before we leave," "So i will have to go," "Why?" he asked, "Because my mom wants me to help her pack...and clean," i said in a monotone voice. "Ok, see you dude", "see ya!".

After i hung up the phone i helped my mother clean the house and pack. As i was doing it, i was getting more sad by the moment. We weren't moving away forever though, i will be able to see them again someday. But to be away from my best friends in the whole wide world was like torture.

At dinner time...

"So Aiden, how is your story coming?" my dad asked, "Oh, its doing great," "I just had Zilis beat the Sigil and he was knighted by the king!". "Oh, that sounds great son" my dad added. "Im going to have him fight an ogre next!" i finished. "Im sure that's going to be exciting!" my dad said. "Mmmm, Cathleen, this meatloaf is really good," my dad said. "Thanks Brian, i used a special recipe this time" my mom said with a smile. "Mom, Dad, can i be excused?" i asked, "Why do you want to be excused Aiden?" My mom asked. "Because i really want to get back to my story," "Ooh fine," she said. "But you have to be in bed by eleven!".


While the warrior Zilis was being knighted a soldier for the king told them that a huge ogre had come up to the castle. "King Thabias, i will vanquish that nasty ogre for you!" Zilis said with a loud cry. "Hurry Zilis, go!" The king cried.

Zilis started marching up to the ogre with his chest puffed out and head held high. When he came to the ogre he told him: "Listen you beast, you better leave this place before you get a taste of something you'll regret!" Zilis shouted. "Hahaha, you puny little human, your no match for me!!" the ogre shouted back. "Very well then" Zilis started, "I guess your going to regret it then!": Crack, Pow, Bam!

The ogre fell to his defeat as he yelled in anguish: "NOOOOO, you beat me!"
"That will teach you not to pick fights with us ever again" Zilis said in triumph.

Zilis had saved the land and the kingdom on it, and he was forever hailed as hero and legend of the kingdom of Trill.


"The End!" i said as i collapsed on my bed. Damn, i am so glad i am done with that story. As i was laying on the bed i started thinking on how Ireland would be. I was so excited, because i have never been anywhere outside of California, besides maybe Nevada. That doesnt count though, because we were just visiting relatives there. I then started thinking about another story i should write. I was getting tired of writing about heroes and kingdoms. I want to write about something scary this time. But i have no idea of what to write about to make my story scary.

"Hmmm, i better clean up my room a little bit." i said to myself. Looking around i noticed my dragon posters werent taken down yet. I still had a lot of my books in my room too. Most of my books were about mythical creatures, like the jersey devil or the abominable snowman. As i was picking up my things i stopped at my mirror.

"I never really liked my dirty blond hair" i said. "I like my blue eyes though, and my somewhat pale skin."

As a 16 year old boy i looked 13 years. I didnt look old at all. "Well, anyway, its time for me to go to sleep."


Chapter 2: The Move


"Get up Aiden, its time to pack a bit more before we leave," my mom said. "Uuuh fine,".

At this point, im more scared to leave my friends behind than i am excited about Killarney. From what my mom told me, it sounds like a cool place, but, i mean, who would want to leave their friends behind?

After packing for a few more hours, we were finally done. We are just taking the essentials really. Were coming back so we obviously didnt take any furniture.

"Finally...were done Aiden," my mom said. "Yeah, its about time too, i have to go get in touch with Ian and Brayan!"

Ian Finley and Brayan Benniton are my two best friends. We have known each other since the fourth grade. This will be the first time i will not see them for a long period of time.

"Aiden, werent you going to call your friends?" my mom asked, "Yeah, of course" i said back. "Well, why are you staring off into space?" , "Uuuuh, im going to call them now".

"Hello?", "Hey Ian, meet me outside, and get Brayan!" "Ok, cool. Although, he can be pretty lazy, i'll try to drag him out of bed," "Well im leaving soon, so he should find the energy to do it haha." i said. "Well, ok Aiden. Meet us in about ten minutes." , "Ok, i'll see you then." i said back.

As i was walking outside to meet with them, i kept thinking of the story i wanted to write. I want it to be so terrifying that i dont even want to read it haha.

"Hey Aiden!"......"Oh hey Brayan!" i yelled back. "I am so glad to see you" he said almost crying. "Brayan, dont do that, your going to make me cry." "I'm just going to miss you so much Aiden, and you might be gone for up to a year!"....."Yeah, that does suck." i responded. "Are you girls done crying?"..."Hey Ian" Brayan said. "Hey Aiden, how is your story about Zilis coming?" Ian asked. "Eh, its doing good, im done with it though." i continue "Zilis already beat the Sigil, and to tell you the truth, im tired of writing about heroes." i finished, "What do you want to write then?" Brayan asked. "I want a scary story, but something good." Well, your going to Ireland, dont they believe in Leperchauns?" Ian asked, "Yeah, they do!" i said. "But, dont they already have a movie of that?" Brayan asked, "Yeah, now that you mention it, they do. And its not too good." Ian added. "You will find out soon enough" Ian said. "Hmmm, are those my parents?" I asked, "Yeah, they are my parents."

At this point i hugged my friends, it felt like long hugs for each. I guess i was still sad to leave them behind. I love them both and to go maybe a year without them seems unbearable.

"Bye Aiden!" Brayan cryed, "I will see you again, dont cry." I said. "See you dude," Ian added. "I will see you guys later, i promise"

"Hurry Aiden, we have to make it to the plane on time!" my mom yelled. "Be good while were gone boys," my mom said to my friends. "We'll be back" she added.

So we were on our way to the Sacramento International Airport. Now that i think about it, i didnt live in Sacramento all my life. My parents said i was born in Ireland, because thats where they lived. My mom and dad both met in Ireland, so we are all of Irish descent.

When we got to the airport we had to go through huge crowds of people. Then again, you probably do with most airports. We got our tickets ready and boarded the plane. Now we were off to Killarney, Ireland.


Chapter 3: Welcome to Killarney

"We finally made it to Ireland!" my mom said, "Yeah, it looks great, doesnt it Aiden?" my dad asked. "Yeah, beyond anything i thought it would."

Ireland looked beautiful, green as far as the eye can see. Really sunny, and the plant life was lush as well. Very picture perfect. The grass was so green, it was a very deep green. And bright at the same time, as if light from heaven itself shown off of the grass and made it glow a radiant glow. It looked like a paradise, it looked fantastic.

"Come on Aiden, we have to meet grandma," my mom said, breaking me off from the splendor around me. "ok, doesnt Killarney look like heaven?" , "Haha, i dont know, its really beautiful though." my mom responded.

We took a rental car and drove to my grandmothers house. On the way i took the opportunity to drink in all of the sights. We went by several lakes, the water looked so clear and unpoluted. Its as if i could drink from it, so crystal clear. We also went by a few buildings that looked like mansions and castles. It looked so awesome. We arrived at my grandmothers house, it looked nice, but it looked like a hut compared to the other buildings.

"Hey, Mom, Dad...werent you living here before?" i continued "Why are you guys acting like everythings new to you?" i finished. "Aiden, we havent been here in over ten years, we forgot how beautiful it looks,"

We made way to the door of my grandmothers house and knocked. The house looked neat but it had these weird vines a long the sides. Not too much, just a little bit. As if it was slowly being pulled into the ground by nature itself, and the vines are its fingers.

"Oh hello everyone!" my grandmother said.

My grandmothers name is Phiala, it means "Irish Saint". Kind of weird since shes the one person i cant imagine doing any wrong at all, and shes Irish haha.

"Oooh look at this little lad, you have grown." she said, "Haha, yeah, i hope i have."

My grandmother has a very noticable irish accent. My parents supposedly used to have one, but they have lived in america so long they apparently lost it.

"Aiden" my grandmother said, "What is it?". "Why dont you play outside a little and look at some of the sites around here," she continued "I have noticed how you keep looking out the window," "Can I!?" i asked. "Yeah, go on lad."

I ran outside to look at every little detail of this place. I couldnt get over how beautiful it was. I wanted to stay here forever. Then i remembered my friends. I think im going to go back inside.

"Oh whats wrong Aiden?" my grandmother asked, "He probably misses his friends" my dad chimed in. "Is that right Aiden?" "Yeah, it is". "Oh dont worry, you will surely see them again." she continued "In the meantime, why dont you make some friends here, it might help you cope." "Really, there are other kids my age right around here!?" I started. "Why sure young lad, there are some right up the street." she answered. "Here, i will contact a boy i know around here." "Great, awesome!" i said. "Aiden, i dont want you getting into any trouble around here, okay?" My mom said, "Mom, of course im not." i answered. "Im just making sure Aiden, laws around here are different than in California."

"Aiden, this is Carlow, he is sixteen years old too." my grandmother introduced. "Hello" Carlow said, "Hello" i said back. "You two can go and play now" my grandmother said.

While we were going outside i studied him a bit. He definitely didnt seem like a bad person. He has a serene look to him. He has red hair, hes about the same height as me, hes also a slender guy. He had greenish hazel eyes. He broke my concentration with a question...

"Lady Phiala told me you are from America," he continued "What's it like there?" "Well, its not anywhere as nice looking as where you live, not a chance." i answered. "Wow, really?" , "Yup, Ireland is a lot better looking than anywhere in America i have seen." i finished. "By the way, why do you call my grandmother 'Lady'?" i asked, "I say it out of respect, Lady Phiala is a very nice person." he said, "Yeah, she is". "How do you know her anyway?" i asked, "Me and my family are somewhat poor, she helps us out sometimes" he coninued, "Even if we refuse, she helps us anyway." , "Wow, i didnt know she did that." i said.

"Aiden, its time for dinner!" my mom yelled, "Okay, i'll be right there!". "Carlow, do you want to join us!?" my mom asked.

Carlow, went trotting over to my mother and said "Yes, if thats alright with you and your family". "of course its alright lad" my grandmother chimed. "Thank you, i appreciate your generosity Lady Phiala and her family" he said. "Hahaha, hes always so modest, he is a sweet boy." she said.

During Dinner...

"Cathleen, how is life in California?" my grandmother asked, "Its going good, but it is glad to be back to visit you." she said. "Grandmother, arent you sick?" i asked, "Yes, in a way" she continued, "Im not going to lie, the sickness i have is very serious, but i should be fine" she finished. "Good, you better be." i said. "Aiden, arent you into making stories now?" my grandmother asked. "Yes and now that you mention it" i started "I need help in finding what im going to write about next, i want something scary." i finished. "Ooh, something scary, we have a few legends around here you can use." she continued, "Such as gnomes, Banshees, things like that." , "What is a Banshee?" i asked. "Its a female ghost who screams all the time." she said. "Whoa, that does sound scary" i continued "I will try to use it."

"Well, thank you all for the lovely dinner." Carlow started, "I must really be getting home now though." he finished. "Ok, be safe on your way home Carlow." my grandmother said. "I will see you tomorrow Aiden?" he asked. "Definitely, i cant wait." i said with a smile. "Well everyone, im going to bed" i said. "Ok Aiden, have a good night lad." my grandmother said.

Damian_Rucci

Ok I like the idea but it does need some work:

1)Use dialog correctly. When someone new enters the conversation, its a new paragraph. It looks messy and unprofessional to have two characters speaking in the same paragraph.

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"Comparison"

Thanatoseros

My advice would be to get a copy of your favorite fantasy book. Any one will do. Then pick a page that has a several characters talking. Look at the flow of the dialogue as it is written on the page. Not what they are saying but rather how the author has written it. Place the book against a hard copy of your story and you will see what I am getting at. Don't be afraid to seperate your characters as they speak and also to use the enter key to show that something new is happening. There are several helpful posts in the forums which provide specific advice on dialogue.

I think it has good potential and is an interesting story otherwise. And remember that the letter "i" is when used as a pronoun is usually capitalized. lol

Some of my favorite books in this genre are: The Dragonlance Chronicles or anything by Tolkien.

Thanatoseros

My advice would be to get a copy of your favorite fantasy book. Any one will do. Then pick a page that has a several characters talking. Look at the flow of the dialogue as it is written on the page. Not what they are saying but rather how the author has written it. Place the book against a hard copy of your story and you will see what I am getting at. Don't be afraid to seperate your characters as they speak and also to use the enter key to show that something new is happening. There are several helpful posts in the forums which provide specific advice on dialogue.

I think it has good potential and is an interesting story otherwise. And remember that the letter "i" when used as a pronoun is normally capitalized. lol

Some of my favorite books in this genre are: The Dragonlance Chronicles or anything by Tolkien.

TevenB

Thanks guys, i knew my dialog didn't look right. To tell you the truth, I just started writing in a "novel" format, so I'm still getting used to it. I used to write in script. And about the "i", I sometimes glance over mistakes like that, i will make sure to correct anything you guys point out. Thanks for reading through my mess!

Damian_Rucci

well everyone starts somewhere right? good luck!

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"Comparison"

A-L

I think that your story has a lot that could be done with it that could make it much better than it already is. It was interesting though.
Please read and comment Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy).

TevenB

Hello again everyone, i kind of screwed up my story by putting the other chapters in a different topic. I didn't think at all to put them in separate posts. If you haven't read chapters 4 and 5 go to the other topic with the same title it should have "(Extended 2)" in the name. Anyway, like always i would love any criticism you can think of

If you haven't read chapters 4 and 5 go here: http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ended-2-a.html

Chapter 6: Murders


There I saw it...the Fable. It was grotesque to say the least. It was about 5 feet tall with a slumped

back. It looked really old, and it had these long fingers, with sharp nails on the end. It walked slowly

most of the time, but was actually capable of running. It stopped at nothing to stick its sharp nails into

your gut and rip out your innards, you had to be faster, otherwise you were as good as dead.

"Oh, shit!" i said outloud.

I think it saw me! The Fable slowly turned around, and it appeared to be carrying a changeling.

Changelings look like normal children, but they are more than that. They are the babies of faery's. Normal

faerys are just a bit mischevious. Most of the time they just want a kid to get in trouble by their

parents by maybe writing on the wall while everyone is asleep, then they think their kid did it. But they

can go so far as to try to get people to kill one another or even to convince someone that suicide is

okay.

Changelings are left in exchange for a real human baby. The parent will never know they have a changeling,

unless it wants them to know. It can talk, eat pretty much anything, and its fairly intelligent. The

changelings have been known to bite through steel, the last thing i want is one biting me.

Damn, the changeling spotted me and ordered the fable to give chase!

I ran out of the room i spotted them in as fast as i could. The room was called the "Maelstrom". It was

used as a portal from whatever world these things came from. I was in a gigantic castle known as the

Lament. The castle was crafted in such a way as if to give the impression that you were never coming out

if you entered. It was beautiful and yet dark. It wasnt such a place you wanted to venture into. I am here

though, only because my darling Kelva is in this place.

I am now in the courtyard of the Lament. I looked up and could see the brilliant yet haunting night sky,

and clouds that seemed to swirl around each other with a very creepy glow. While out in the courtyard i

could feel the gentle yet very cold wind hitting me on my face, neck and hands. It felt as if frost was

falling on me like raindrops.

Just then, i saw in the sky one of the most fearsome sights. It was a Fire Phly. Unlike those teeny bugs

that glow in the night, these beings were terrifying. They looked disgusting, looked half bug and half

man. Their jaws protruded a great length from the rest of their head. Imagine a crocodiles lower jaw,

except much broader. The jaw was protruded that much i assume so that their tongues could whip out easily.

They used them to latch onto their prey while they killed them. The fire phlys usually kill their victims

by either cutting them with their elegant yet powerful wings, which seemed as light steel. Or they could

also cook them by blowing fire. They were very dangerous creatures indeed.

As i was running from it i saw a gate i could slip through. I slipped through the gate while the fire phly

tried to claw its way at me, while sounding like it was screaming in agony.

When i turned around there was a Gnome, i thought it was a wall at first. I dont care what anyone says,

gnomes are not the small creatures everyone imagines them to be. They are huge, they can grow up to 15

feet tall. They have amazing strength and are extremely intelligent.

The gnome tried to swing at me but i rolled out of the way and entered the next door. There...i saw my

love Kelva.

"Kelva!" i cried.

"Oh Zilka, you came for me!"

"Kelva, we have to esca-"


"Come on Aiden, come outside you moron!"

"What, Puck, how did you get in here!?" I demanded

"Your weird grandmother let me in, now come on doofus!"

"My grandmother is not weird, get out, i will come when im ready!" I shouted back

"Fine, suit yourself."

I didnt like very much him calling my family names. Who does he think he is anyway? He ruined my story

too. My story is called "The Lament" and im about finished, but i forgot what i was going to write next.

Oh well, i guess i will continue another time.

I left my room to go see my grandmother, i wanted to know why she let Puck in.

"Hey grandma, why did you let Puck in, i dont think you have ever met him."

She turned around and looked at me as if she has seen a ghost. I have never seen her look like that before

in my life.

"Aiden, where did you hear that word from!?" she demanded while looking at me with this surprised and at

the same time concerned expression.

"What word? Puck? Thats his name" I answered.

"He told me his name was Johnny...I dont want you hanging around him,"

"Why!?"

"I will tell you later, now is not the time."

I just didnt get it, why did she get mad all of a sudden? Why is she alarmed by his name? And why did he

lie to her about his name? These are questions i want answered immediately.

"Its about time you came out Aiden" Puck said with a sneer.

"Puck, why did you lie to my grandmother and say your name was Johnny?"

"I dont know, it was spontaneous, and besides your grandmother is weird anyway!"

"Puck, you better stop saying that!!" I yelled as i raised my fist in the air, ready to pound his face in.

"Your whole family is an eyesore, I want you and them gone!" he continued "Especially miss loony Phiala,

but we all know shes not going anywhere, unless of course she dies soon!" he taunted

"THATS IT YOU LITTLE PUNK!"

My head was spinning, i couldnt believe what he was saying to me. I was tearing up, i clenched my fists as

hard as i could. I didnt want to hit him, im a nice guy. But he was being an ass to say the least. He

continued to laugh at me as i got angry, i couldnt take it anymore. My grandmother is sick and he has the

audacity to say these things?

"Go on, hit that little snot!"

"Oh its BROOGAN!" Puck said angrily

"Yeah, it is, and you need an ass whoopin. Who better to give it to you than ol' Aiden here, who you have

been pissing off this whole time?" Brogan responded

"Stop it Brogan, its going to take more than words to get me angry enough to hit him." I said

"Aaaah, and i thought i was going to see a show." Brogan said jokingly

I recovered from my temper, i am 3 years older than him, i should act like it. He is just a spoiled brat,

i shouldnt let someone like that get the best of me.

"Aiden, you have a call from Brayan!" my mother yelled from the house

"Aaah, are you serious!!?"

"Who's Brayan?" Brogan asked puzzled

"Hes one of my best friends, i will be right back!"

As i was running to the house, i felt a rush of excitement. It seemed as though i haven't talked to my

friends for ages. I actually had butterflies in my stomach.

"Hey Brayan!"

"Hey Aiden, i missed you too much, i wanted to call you at least once."

"Brayan, how did you get my mothers cell phone number?" I asked

"She gave it to me and Ian before you guys left, in case we wanted to talk." he continued "Ian misses you

too, he just doesn't want to admit it."

"Aah, thats great, why did you wait this long to speak to me?" I asked

"Well, i wanted it to be a surprise and mean a bit more when i did call, you know?"

I laughed "Yeah...i know,"

"Oh, Brayan, could you look up a name for me?" I asked

"Yeah, sure, what?"

"I want you to look up a name called 'Puck'," I replied

"Puck, as in, hockey puck?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"Okay, I will have the information for you soon." he continued "But why this name?"

"Well, my grandmother got really ang-"

Just then i heard a blood curdling scream coming from outside.

"What was that Aiden!!?" Brayan asked alarmed

"I dont know, I will talk to you later Brayan!"

After i hung up the phone i ran outside as fast as i could. That scream was horrifying.

"Mom, Dad, what happened!?"

"Aiden, go back to the house!" my dad yelled

"But dad, what happened!?" I cried

"Aiden, listen to your father, go back and play with your friends or something!" my mom continued "Someone

call the police!"

My dad tried to stand in front of what he and my mom were hiding from me. I saw her between my dads legs,

lying on the ground in her own blood. It looked as if her throat was slit. One of her eyes from the side i

was looking at was missing as well. It looked horrific. I ran back to the house so fast my lungs were

hurting, so were my eyes. I dont think i was ready to see what I saw.

When i came back Brogan and Puck must have gone home, they werent anywhere to be seen. I ran to my room

still trying to catch my breath. I wanted to erase from my mind what i just saw, but couldnt. I decided to

go to sleep and see if any of this would blow over.


"Aiden, get up lad."

"Uuuuh, grandma, what is it?"

"Im sorry for getting a tad bit angry with you yesterday,"

"Oh, thats alright grandma"

"Well, anyway, Carlow is here to see you."


"Hey Aiden"

"Hey," i continued "Whats wrong Carlow?"

"...Aiden..." he started

Carlow looked like a wreck, like he just saw a zombie or something. He looked as if he just got done

crying.

"Carlow, whats wrong!?" I asked again

"...Aiden, Brogan is dead." he said almost about to cry

"What...that cant be!" i continued "I was just with him yesterday!"

"I saw Aiden...I saw him kill Brogan"

"Who? Who killed him!!?"

"...It was Puck," he said as he stuttered

He continued "I was on my way of walking to your house, when i heard your mom tell you that you had a

phone call from a friend."

"Yeah...go on," i said

"Well i was behind the house at the time. Him and Brogan were talking, Brogan had a mad expression on his

face and said something like: "You little punk, im going to beat the shit out of you!" he continued "After

he said that Puck pounced on him and stabbed him with a knife."

"He really did that!!?" I asked in disbelief

"Yeah, it was a teeny one though." he continued "After that, i saw him kill that lady too, because she

supposedly saw what happened."

"Wow, i cant believe this is happeneing!" I said

"Yeah, it all happened so fast." he continued "First Brogan, then that lady. It looked as if it wasnt his

first time killing someone, he did it so fast."

"Damn, we have to find him, i mean now!" I yelled


"Aiden, Brayan is on the phone.....Whats wrong?" my mom asked concerned

"Nothing mom, Carlow is just crying because of the incident yesterday." I responded

"Oh...well, dont worry, its over now Carlow." my mom said gently


"Hey Brayan!"

"Hey, Aiden, did you ever find out what that scream was?"

"Yeah, Someone was murdered yesterday." I replied

"....Really?"

"Yeah, so did someone i got to know while spending time here." I added

"Damn, you shouldnt have told me that, now im going to worry about you" he said

"Dont be, i'll make it."

"Anyway Aiden, I have a meaning for the name you gave me."

"Really!?" "What!?"

"Well, 'Puck' is an old english name, it means a mischievous fairy or it could mean a devil pretty much."

he continued "Now why did you want to know that?"

".....Shit....I'll tell you later Brayan" I said

"Okay, but you be careful Aiden." he said sternly

"Dont worry, I have no choice." I responded


Awhile ago we went to some place called dome of trees. I remember Galvin said something about a legendary

faery that preys on dreams. Im trying to piece two and two together here, but im still missing a few

pieces. I was looking forward to a fun time in Ireland, i thought the worse thing that could come of this

trip was not seeing my friends who are back at home. Man...how wrong was I?

Chapter 7: Enter Sylph, will be done soon!

A-L

I like this chapter a lot of drama, but it could be a little more clear, with just a tad bit more description.

TevenB

Yeah, i wanted to put more description but didn't know where. Where would you put descriptions?

A-L

you should describe the reactions of other characters a bit better, facial expressions, hand gestures, etc. the environment could be made a little more solid with some descriptive words and it would actually make it a smoother read.Other than that

writer5000

I agree with A-L. It's a very neat story, and I enjoyed it, but it's harder to identify with the environment without a description of it.

Good job other than that though, I look forward to more!

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TevenB

Lol i added a lot more, this should be one of my longer chapters, enjoy!


Chapter 7: Enter Sylph


After i hung up the phone i felt really dizzy, i had to go lay down some. I laid down on my bed, while

looking at the things in my room; The posters i took with me from home, all of the drawings i had on my

walls of the things in my stories. I picked up the charm my grandmother gave to me awhile ago. It sure was

nice, it was a rather large coin with what looked like a dragon engraved on it. I looked on the back and

found it had the name "Ardal" on it, that was the name of my grandfather.

I then started to think about what Brayan said to me. Mischievous fairy? Devil? That cant be what it

means, but Brayan wouldn't lie, and hes hardly ever wrong about anything.

"Shit...I cant believe it!" I thought outloud while having my eyes so wide it felt as if they would fall

out the sockets.

Really, why didnt i see it earlier!? We went to the dome, accidentally opened it, then we ran. We all had

strange experiences pretty much right after that. The next day we saw Puck run out of the dome. Brogan

even said that the kid in his house looked just like him. Now, even his name sounds evil. Why didnt i see

it before!?

I ran as fast as i could, i had to tell anyone of my friends about what i just found out. I got outside

and ran as fast as i could to Carlows house, he apparently went home as i was on the phone with Brayan.

When i got there i knocked on his front door.

"Yes?" a woman said as she answered the door

"Could i speak to...Carlow?" i asked while still trying to catch my breath

"Oh...your Phiala's grandson Aiden right?" she asked, I nodded

"Well, im sorry, i really am. But Carlow is resting from a very stressful day, could he speak to you when

hes ready?"

I didnt want to wait until later to tell Carlow, we had to find Puck now. I dont know how long until he

kills someone else. However i know how much hes going through, maybe he needs the time to recover.

I nodded reluctantly

"Okay, have a goodnight then." she said while closing the door

As i was walking away from the house i heard a noise, as if someone was trying to get my attention.

"Hey, guy, over here." someone said

"Huh, yeah what, who are you?" i asked

This boy looked about my age and had brown hair, blue eyes, and kind of an intimidating demeanor. He

looked like a rough type of guy.

"Hey, my name's Devin, i saw you yesterday." he said

"What do you mean you saw me?" i asked

"I saw you looking at the 'you-know-what'," he answered

"I dont have time for this, i have things to do, nice meeting you Devin!" i said as i started running

"Stay away from that kid!" he yelled

I stopped suddenly, i started to wonder who he was talking about.

"What kid?" i continued "Your not talking about Puck are you?"

"Puck!? Who the hell is Puck!?" he continued "Im talking about Sylph!"

"Who's Sylph?" i asked

"Sylph, is that kid you have met as of recent, the one who killed those two people." he answered

"Wow, really? Thanks for the information, but i really have to be going!" i said as i started to run again

Im not really sure what this guy was talking about. Who is this Sylph? I mean, i know he specified Puck

but...still, where did that name come from?

I finally got back to my house, i decided to go speak to my grandmother a bit.

"Hey grandma,"

"Oh hello Aiden, how are you and Carlow doing?" she asked

"Oh im doing...not so good, i really do miss Brogan, even though i didnt know him for very long." when i

said that my eyes started to water, even though he was some what unpleasant at times, he was still

beginning to be a good friend.

"Oh Aiden, dont cry...it makes me feel so bad when i cant do much for me family." she said sadly while

looking at a portrait of my grandfather

"Aaah, dont feel bad for me grandma, i will be alright." i continued "I am more worried about Carlow" i

said in a melancholic manner

My grandmother looked at me and smiled "Aiden, do you know what your name means?" she continued "Aiden

means little fire, and your last name Cargan means little rock."

"Really?" i asked tearfully

"I know it may not mean much, but thats what im reminded of when i see how strong of a person you are."

she continued "The great ocean itself wont be able to put out the fire thats in you, nor erode the rock. I

dont know anyone stronger than my grandson, im proud of you lad."

".....I love you grandma,"

"Oooh, me too lad."


After the conversation i had with my grandmother i went to bed, i couldnt get over what she said to me. I

didnt know she thought of me like that. I felt proud of who i was, well not arrogantly, but proud

nonetheless.

After the morning came the sun was out in full force. The birds were singing and Killarney looked as

beautiful as it always does. But despite of that, i knew today was anything but beautiful, not until i get

to the bottom of this mess. I went in search of my grandmother....but she was no where to be seen.


"Mom...wheres grandma?" i asked

She looked at me with the saddest face i have ever seen her have. She looked at me and a picture she has

of grandma in her hands, she kept exchanging glances between me and the picture. Her eyes looked as if a

great dam was leaking ready to burst.

"Aiden...honey...grandma..." she started

"No...did something...happen to her?" i asked with tears in my eyes

"Aiden, grandma had a heart attack." she said crying

I couldnt believe what i was hearing, i wanted to go and scream on the highest mountain i could find. I

felt my emotions were getting so violent that i started getting a migraine. So bad that my teeth felt as

if they were going to explode out of my mouth.

"Aiden, shes not dead...shes just in the hospital." she said reassuring me

"Was that her sickness!?" i asked

"She has coronary heart disease, the heart attack is a final warning if something drastic doesnt happen

soon." she said

"Well whats happening right now to make her better!?" i yelled

"The doctor is going to do a bypass surgery, hes also going to give her something called Angio-genesis."

she continued "The doctor said it may not work, but i have my hopes up."

"Well....atleast i know shes going to pull through, it could be worse right?" i suggested

"Im going to go find Liam and Galvin," i said as i started walking out the house.


I cant believe my grandmother had such a serious illness without telling me. Im not sure what this

angiogenesis is but i know it will save her. I made way for Liam's house.

"Hey Aiden, whatsup?" he asked

"Hey Liam, get Galvin and meet up with me near my house." i said

"Ok sure, what about Carlow?" he asked

"He may still need time to recoup, leave him be."

"Okay, be there in a minute."


As i sat waiting for them i looked at the sights around me. Ireland was sure a really nice looking place,

but at the same time it harbored secrets that were just as evil as this place was beautiful.

"Hey Aiden, were here!" Liam said

"Cool, now i assume you both know Brogan is dead-"

"Yeah, yeah...we know, dont remind us, we just want revenge." Liam said while cracking his knuckles

"Yeah, who does that kid think he is anyway!?" Galvin chimed

"Hey guys, count me in too!"

I couldnt believe it, it was Carlow. When i last saw him he couldnt stop crying, now he looks like brand

new.

"Carlow...are you...sure?" i asked amazed on how quick he recovered, afterall, he saw more than me.

"Yeah, i cant hide away, besides, i have to face my fears." he continued "I knew you were going after

Puck, i had to be with you when you did."

"Well actually Carlow, Puck may not be his real name." i continued "I heard from someone named Devin that

his name is really Sylph."

Once i said that name...everyone looked like they were going to fall over. Their faces looked as if they

have seen a corpse and it was frozen in place.

"You said...Sy...Sy...Syl..." Galvin stuttered while looking in bewilderment

"Sylph!!?" Liam shouted

"Whats wrong guys!?" I yelled

"Aiden...you wouldnt know since you havent been here long enough." Liam continued "But Sylph IS that

legendary faery i was talking about!"

"Wow, are you sure!? If you know more tell me!" I demanded

"Well, from what i heard Sylph is a demon faery of sorts." he continued "Back when he was first released

he killed hundreds and thousands of people, all anyone will tell us of how he succeeded was preying on

your dreams."

"Wow...that is really hard to swallow..." i added

"It gets more weird than that, if Puck really is Sylph, hes no kid, that was over a few hundred years

ago." Liam said


"What was a few hundred years ago?"

There he was, standing right in front of us...Puck. I wanted to lash out irrationally and tear him a new

one for what hes done and what he could do in the future.

"Puck...where were you yesterday after i went back to my house!?" i demanded

"I went home after that, i wasnt going to wait for you to come out!" Puck shouted back

"Puck dont lie to us!!" Liam chimed


"Aiden...Aiden!"

It was my mom, i was still worked up over Puck, i had to calm myself down before answering her. Especially

with my grandmother being seriously ill i didnt want to make her upset because of him.

"Yes mom!?"

"Who are you talking to!?" she asked

"...Im talking to Puck!" i answered

"Who's Puck!?" she asked

"The kid were talking to right now, hes standing right in front of me!" i yelled

"I only see you, Liam, Carlow, and Galvin." she continued "You guys need to lay off the coffee,"


How could she not see him!? He was standing here the entire time, we all saw him! I started to get

irritated and i guess Puck could see.

"I guess Aiden and his little buddies finally figured it out with the help of your pathetic mommy!" he

laughed

"I overheard your whole conversation, your right, im not Puck, and im not thirteen years old there you

happy!?" he continued "I am what you expected....Sylph!"


As soon as he said his own name his little kid body started to morph and twist into a weird form i have

never expected a faery to look like. He started sprouting wings, but not the ordinary bug-like wings

faeries usually have, but wings of an angel. He had these beautiful eyes, sky blue, a much deeper blue

than you will find on any person. His skin was as if it was silk and mahogony in color. He went from about

5 feet to about 6 feet in height. And he no longer sounded like a kid, his voice was as if it was deep

like a demon or an ogre, and elegant as like an angels voice.

"So, now you know what i am." he continued "But it doesnt matter, as you can tell no one can see me except

those who were at the dome at the time i was freed and those i wish to see me like your grandmother." he

said with a wicked grin

"Dont mention her again...you monster!" i shouted

As quickly as he morphed, he had disappeared. We ran all over the place trying to find him again, no luck.

"Damn, where did he go!?" I shouted in frustration

"Sylph, you coward, come back here!" Carlow yelled

"Hey guys, i saw everything!"

"Oh hey, guys, this is Devin!" i said

"Aiden, you ran away from me before i could tell you the rest, i guess you guys did have the wrong idea

about Sylph." he continued "I was going to correct Liam when he mentioned Sylph preys on dreams."

"What...tell us!" I demanded

"Sylph doesnt prey on dreams, he makes imagination come to life." he continued "Anything someone creates,

ANYTHING, he can use to kill and destroy."

What he said made me get wide eyed. I felt as if i swallowed a whole row of quarters and couldnt speak.

"Whats wrong Aiden!?" Carlow asked with a concerned look

"...He...he...he was in my...in my room when i was writing my story!"


Chapter 8: Havoc, will be added asap!

A-L

ooh now that was good! though there are still some problems in the writing involving first person and second person, but it was still good. I really liked the part leading up to the ending.

TevenB

Thanks for the comment, i may change the title of chapter 8 because i want the story to last a bit longer, so im going to drag it on. I do thank you for contributing to my story, its making it better than it already was.