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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 4
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starting a fiction...
alright, im just looking for some feedback
its not done obviously...
The air, chill and crisp, hung still; the moon was just starting to reveal itself over the tops of the oak trees outlining the curving tiled patio. A light wind swept through the yard chiming the garden ornaments. The grass was a cool, dark green glistening with rain drops from the thunderstorm of minutes before. The smell of a neighboring meal was wafting into the yard, garlic and tomato. Crickets chatted from all directions. The candle on the table flicked next to an empty wine bottle, its cork slightly rolling back and forth with the wind on the tiled ground. A broken wine glass stem lay still with curved shards of the bowl lying next to it. The last drops of wine that were previously in the glass now splattered on the ground stain the rich Peru colored grout outlining each tile. The wooden chairs stand still, one knocked to its side.
Ayla moved her foot scratching a piece of the glass against the ground. She hunched forward placing her elbows on her knees; she buried her face in her hands. She let out a long sigh, lifting her head back up, out of her palms. She had a scowl look upon her tan and rosy face. The moonlight bounced off of her cheek bones and glittered in her eyes. A piece of white bang fell from behind her ear. Ayla moved her hair back into its proper place. The tense air of a heated conversation fell around her as she recalled the previous events of a just a few minutes earlier. Words of intellect, hatred, love, history and small talk ran through her mind. Every thought whizzed by quickly and blurred. She looked down at the table. The once bright candle had now burned to a little flame getting close to the pool of red wax. Next to the clear, glass candle holder was an empty match pack and black, used matches. Not remembering where she had set her pack of matches, she checked her purse that was lying next to her chair. No matches to be had but another object of her desire was discovered: A pack of cigarettes, a quarter full. She slipped one out and put it to her lips, tossing her purse back onto the ground. Her jacket was laid on the far side of the table. She leaned forward and reached across haphazardly knocking the wine bottle over. “Fuck.” Although, at this point she didn’t quite care. She grabbed the black jacket and reached to the inside. She slipped her fingers into the silk inner pocket and grabbed a pack of matches with her index and middle fingers. She sat back in the chair and ripped out a match. Ayla struck it against the back and flames instantly sprung up. She lifted the match to the tip of her cigarette. Waving the flame out, she flicked the match somewhere behind her. She inhaled and the moved the cigarette away from her mouth. She blew out smoke and reached for the standing glass of red wine and sipped from it. She set the glass in her lap still holding it, took a drag from the cigarette and looked down at the glass. She brought the glass to her lips and swallowed the remainder of wine. She sat for a few minutes finishing her cigarette.
Ayla was being left. Millions of thoughts ran through her head. She once had something so perfect and right. Kate was her everything. They had met 6 years ago in a book store that Kate’s friend owned. Ayla had never been to the store before but it was neighbor to her favorite Sunday morning coffee shop. One late fall, Ayla’s boyfriend at the time wanted to meet for coffee after they got off work. Ayla arrived a little early so she had a cigarette outside. She sat in one of the cool metal chairs and set her purse on the small table outside the door to the café. She stared at the ground moving a small rock around with her shoe. A car pulled up to the curb making Ayla look up. A woman got out of the car and walked into the store next to the coffee shop, the book store. Ayla paid but the slightest attention to her. She looked at her watch. Aaron was now ten minutes late for their date. She couldn’t help but be mad at the woman for not being Aaron. Ayla now realized that she didn’t have to wait outside and stood up. She stopped in front of the door fumbling in her purse for her phone. “Excuse me, miss.” She glanced up, her long hair falling before her face. She dropped a purse strap and moved the hair out of the way. Aaron stood beside her with a stupid grin on his face, “Hey you, have a good day at work?” “Just open the fucking door.” Ayla strode in before Aaron while he gave the back of her head a confused look. She had sounded happy on the phone an hour ago and while he knew they had been fighting a bit lately he thought they had straightened things out since their last argument. Ayla walked up to the counter and got in line. Aaron walked to the corner of the small café and draped his jacket over the chair. He walked over to Ayla as she got up to the cashier named Stephanie. Aaron and Stephanie had had a fling a couple months before Aaron and Ayla had gotten together so naturally any human contact between a one Stephanie Cooper and a one Ayla Patrick was to be dreaded. Ayla looked up at the menu overhead of Stephanie and order a latte. She asked Aaron what he wanted. “I’ll just have a regular coffee.” Ayla repeated his order to Stephanie and she replied with the total. Ayla pulled out her wallet, but hesitated and looked at the glass case next to the counter. She leaned past Aaron and put a hand on the edge of the case to steady herself. After a few seconds of looking, she straightened back up and looked at Stephanie in the eye for the first time since the beginning of the engagement and ordered a peppermint bar. Stephanie gave the new total and Ayla gave her a ten dollar bill. Stephanie handed her the change with a receipt and walked to the back of the case. She grabbed a tiny paper bag from the side and opened the glass case door. She grabbed a peppermint bar and dropped it into the bag, creased the top of it and handed it to Ayla. Ayla and Aaron walked to their table and both sat down. She took off her coat and placed it behind her on the chair. “My day was alright. Busy. I ran into Jen on the way out and she told me how the project due dates are now week earlier. What a fucking great team leader she is. She’s already pushed the due date up twice. And it doesn’t help that my group consists of complete assholes that leave all the work to me.” Their coffees came and they made small conversation for a half hour or so. As Ayla walked out to her car she turned around and let Aaron know that she wanted to check out that book store. He said he was going to head home and that he would see her later that night. They gave a kiss goodbye and Ayla found herself wondering whether that woman would be there or not.
When Ayla walked in, there were only a few lights on and someone was behind a counter with a rather large open book. They seemed to be copying something over to another sheet. It was 8:15 and Ayla thought they might be closing soon so she walked over to a shelf and looked at the titles. She didn’t have anything in mind and now that she thought of it she had no reason to be in the store whatsoever. She took a sip from her latte and walked to the next shelf fingering each of the spines. The woman from before walked out from behind an aisle of shelves and smiled at Ayla. “Can I help you with something?” She had a rich, deep brown hair and her skin was tan. Her eyes sparkled and Ayla couldn’t help but stare, this woman was stunning. Ayla looked down then back up at the books. She raised her hand and held onto the edge of the shelf with her fingertips for a few seconds then replied. “Um, no, I’m just looking. I’ve never been in here before and was just wondering what you guys had.” “Oh. Well I’m Kate. Just let me know if you have any questions.” Kate brushed against Ayla as she walked away. It gave Ayla the chills and a slight smile appeared on her face. She looked at Kate as she walked to the counter. Kate started talking to the person behind the counter. The person behind the counter, who Ayla would soon find out to be Eric, looked up and glanced at Ayla catching her eye. Ayla looked away almost instantly. She walked to another aisle out of vision of Kate and Eric. She felt giddy and couldn’t help but smile. She looked around for a little and finally had made her way to the back of the small store and was soon going to make her way out and head back home. Ayla felt a hand on the small of her back just as she was turning to leave the aisle. Ayla looked beside her and Kate was standing so close to her, almost touching her hips to Ayla’s. Kate, still holding her, turned Ayla to look at her. Ayla wasn’t sure what to think of this but she wasn’t opposed to it either. They looked at each other for seconds that felt like minutes. Kate leaned in to kiss Ayla. Ayla was taken aback and pulled her head away from Kate a few inches. Kate looked down at the floor and closed her eyes. Ayla leaned back to her previous position. Kate opened her eyes and lifted her head up again and began to say sorry. As Kate’s lips moved, Ayla thought about Aaron; she wanted to be with him but she couldn’t tell if she was attracted to this woman. Kate’s brown hair was loosely curled and slightly hung in her face. Her eyes were a deep green but depending on the lighting, they were brown as well. The lighting was dim and they were the perfect combination of the two and Ayla could not help but look at them while Kate was looking away. Ayla moved her eyes to focus on Kate’s lips. She had a lip gloss on, not glittery and not a bright color but instead a pale pink that shimmered when she talked. Her teeth were perfect and shiny, brilliantly white. Ayla noticed she had a necklace on with a single diamond attached. She looked back into Kate’s eyes and replied to the apology. “It’s ok.” Ayla pushed her body into Kate’s. Ayla put her hand on the upper part of Kate’s arm and kissed her.
Ayla walked out of that store an hour later and with a small, pink piece of paper adorned with a name and a number folded neatly in her pocket. She got in her car and placed her purse on the passenger seat. She pulled down the visor and opened the mirror and evaluated herself. She didn’t know what to think. Ayla shut the mirror and flicked the visor back up. She put the keys in the ignition and turned on the radio.
Ayla walked up the stairs to her townhouse and tried the door. It was locked. Aaron probably had gone to bed. Ayla pulled her keys out of her purse and unlocked the door. There weren’t any lights on and the mail was still unopened on the counter where Ayla had placed it last night. He hadn’t been home yet; Ayla slightly relieved, placed her purse and papers from work down next to the pile of mail. She turned on the kitchen light and opened the refrigerator. They needed to go shopping. Ayla pulled out a white styrofoam box and opened it: Italian. She put it in the microwave for two minutes and walked into the bedroom. She kicked her heels off by the base of the bed and walked into the bathroom. She turned on the light and looked at herself in the mirror. The lights in the bathroom weren’t very bright and they weren’t very flattering. Ayla wasn’t sure if she felt bad; she kept telling herself she didn’t feel guilty. She put a hand on the counter top and leaned into the mirror. Her mascara was crumbling. The microwaves beeped, making her jump. She blinked and wiped away the mascara with her free hand. She stood up straight and turned on the water and washed her hands. She dried them and put on lotion. She walked into the closet and unbuttoned her shirt. She bent over and opened a drawer on the right side of the closet. She grabbed a black tank and slipped it over her head. She unzipped her skirt and it dropped to the floor. She slid her feet into a pair of pink slippers and walked out of her closet. The microwave beeped once and she walked into the kitchen. She took the styrofoam box out and set in on the counter. She opened a drawer and took a fork. Ayla grabbed a bowl, put the food into it and walked back into her bedroom. She turned on the side table lamp on and sat on the bed.
It was one in the morning when the phone rang. Ayla was asleep above the covers, the light still on. The half eaten left-overs were sitting on the side table and a once stapled set of papers lay strewn next to Ayla. She opened her eyes and reached across the table and picked up the phone.
“ Hello?” The line was silent. “Hello…?” There was now a slight tone of annoyance floating in Ayla’s voice.
“I know, I know… Just, can I have two seconds? Hi, it’s Eric.”
“Hi. How’s your evening been sweetie?” Sarcasm was a specialty of Ayla’s. “Where the hell have you been?” Ayla questioned but after asking, really didn’t care. It was habit to be a bitch, especially when you’ve just cheated on your boyfriend and are now feeling horrible about it. “I’m at my mom’s.”
“Why?”
“I got a call. Her and my dad got in some argument… He left.”
Ayla always knew that one day Eric’s parents would split. She always needed to be right and didn’t feel the need to be sympathetic. Eric probably needed that right now but guilt was creeping upon her. She wanted to end the call as quickly as possible. She loved Eric, she did. At least, she told herself that anyway. Hold back, Ayla, be nice. “Well, I’m sorry. Do what you have to do, call me in the morning. We can hook up and go get breakfast or something.” Good girl.
“Ok?” Eric was slightly surprised. He expected her to be pissed off. How nice. “Sounds great. Night, love you.”
“Love you, too.” Ayla hung up the phone and turned so her feet hung off the edge of the bed. She ran her fingers through her hair. She closed her eyes.
Ayla felt guilty. He was always so nice to her. He cared so much and she had never even met this woman before, let alone had never been with a woman. She asked herself why she had gone into the store. She didn’t remember being curious about the woman while meeting with Eric. She had popped into her mind once or twice, of course she did. She was stunning. The way her back curved and the way she held herself. Kate was brilliant. The way she touched Ayla’s skin made Ayla feel comfortable. Even though they had just met, Ayla felt a connection with her. What kind of connection, Ayla wasn’t sure of yet, but she liked it.
Ayla went to bed shortly after getting the call from Eric. She awoke at 8 and got in the shower. The hot water dripped over her. She stood idle, feeling each drop of water touch her. She had thought about Kate a lot since the previous night. She placed her hand on a tile in front of her and looked down. The water flowed in a spiral down the drain. She looked up and filled her hands with water and splashed her face. She turned off the water and opened the curtains. She reached for a towel and wrapped herself in it.
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from the bit i did read it was good, just can't read it when it's all so close together.
