Untitled as of yet - Writers Forum

Rynash · 02-05-2008, 05:24 PM

Hey guys i've bee wanting to write this for some time and i just got inot the mood tonight please leave any criticysm or even maybe a complment thought thats hoping for a bit much. LOL

this is chap 1 part 1

Untitled

Chapter 1

Reaper

“Don’t forget the milk Ryan!”

“Yeah, yeah I’m not an idiot you know mum.” Ryan replied, as he closed the front door. Ryan stepped out into the cold, dark deserted street and started walking in the direction of the local coop. He looked at his watch and saw it was five o’clock he looked up and saw the stars shining back at him “geez it’s starting to get really dark now” he thought to himself, as if answering him the street lamps snapped on giving an eerie yellow glow.

Ryan glanced behind him and thought he saw the street shimmer slightly but when he looked again all was normal.”Weird” he muttered to himself and carried on walking, he glanced back again starting to feel really uncomfortable.

He looked on ahead and saw the street corner that leaded to the main street. Ryan picked up the pace and started jogging towards the main street where at least there would be some other people. Just as he rounded the corner the street lights went out. Ryan stopped in his tracks he couldn’t see anything not even his hand in front of his face, he looked up he felt a little bit better he could still see the stars but there silver glow didn’t penetrate the darkness surrounding him.

That relief was crushed as soon as it appeared because he saw the shimmering again but this time in front of him. The street lamps lit up again but the darkness was the least of his worries, Ryan looked behind him and there was another shimmer in the air he was surrounded with the houses on either side of him and the shimmers in front and behind him he had nowhere to run.

The houses were dark and looked deserted he lost hope of help coming from them. He didn’t bother wasting his energy shouting for help; chances were that no one would hear him. Ryan looked around him for anything that he could use to protect himself he saw a gnarled stick lying in front of him, it didn’t look like much but he slowly reached down for it anyway.

He didn’t feel any more confident now that he had a weapon in fact it made feel worse now he knew he was going to have to fight and he knew he had no chance against even one of these things let alone two! He could feel the raw power radiating of them, it almost felt like a real thing trying to push him to his knees and smother him. Ryan waited for them to reveal themselves in their true form he was sure the shimmering was just a guise.

Ryan moved sideways and positioned himself so the shimmers were on either side of him this way he could see if one of them moved for the attack or they decided to reveal their true forms.

Meanwhile he waited. Ryan closed his momentarily to gather his wits and calm his mind. He found himself mouthing a quick prayer even though he had never believed in any kind of god, “now’s the time to start believing,” he muttered to himself and let himself laugh a little.

Ryan breathed in deeply and let the air out of his lungs slowly, he felt something click into place in his mind, Ryan felt extreme power flowing through him, he opened his eyes and saw two gargantuan humanoid figures in the places that the shimmers had been before, they were about 30ft tall, grey and were slightly deformed, the one on the right looked like a pretty normal human except that its arms were long and gangly that reached its knees the other however was a different story its arms looked like huge scimitars their faces however were covered in a strange glossy black mask.
Ryan saw his reflection in the things mask he had his normal cargos and shirt on, his dark skinned face was determined and his long black hair was covering one of his eyes however when his eye’s colour was normally brown was now glowing a deep scarlet in fact around his body was a slight shimmer of scarlet, was this the power he was feeling now?
“Ahhhh looked like we picked a nice tasty soul to hunt today!” said the one with scimitars for arms.

“Oh yes, although it looks like he is going to fight his spirit energy is rising and, he has that absurd piece of wood in his hand” the other said. “Oi, boy you think that stick will hurt us?” it laughed explosively.

Ryan looked down at the stick.”What the hell? He could feel the stick like an extension of his body.” He looked down at the stick again and looked at the thing in front of him Ryan smiled feeling the power flowing through him and into the so called absurd bit of wood these things were going to have a surprise.

“Why do you smile human? You think just because you have a bit of spirit energy u can defeat us? By yourself as well! HA don’t make me laugh.”

Ryan’s smile widened even further and said, “So you think I have no chance then? Well care to test that theory of yours?” He swung his stick in front of him and took a fighting pose.

“Foolish human!” and with that the thing attacked.

It was too fast for Ryan he shut his eyes ready for the killing blow.

OzzyShiraz · 02-06-2008, 12:25 PM

There´s something about this that I really like. I think it´s the pace and the prismatic mood.

That said, the conversational tone seems sometimes out of place. A little grammar fixin´would do marvels for this story, which I think has the potential to be an entertaining read.

Rynash · 02-06-2008, 01:13 PM

Yeah lol i really tried hard to get the grammar in place but i am pretty rubbish at it lol got to listen more in english class and thanks for the compliment also would you say anything about description cause i thought it wasnt good and needed more

Rynash · 02-06-2008, 05:24 PM

Wow just did a proof read and found loads of mistakes so just corrected them

Akroma · 02-07-2008, 06:09 AM

Hey, Hun! It's Meeeee! Good effort

It's really exciting and a bit scary at the beginning

do the demon thingies get pwned? ;-P If you're having trouble with grammar, read it out loud to yourself and put stops and commas where you pause. Felt a bit breathless after reading it lol. Keep it up! I'll be back for more

Rynash · 02-07-2008, 03:21 PM

LOL thank you will be posting more soon! thx by the way do you think i need more description?

Rynash · 02-07-2008, 06:21 PM

Hey guys Chapter 1 part 2

hope you enjoy it

It didn’t come. Ryan opened his eyes slowly, and saw a man in front of him, blocking the things attack with a katana. Ryan’s eyes were drawn to the blade it was about 3ft long and had a red hilt, but the power it radiated along with the man wielding it was immense, Ryan noticed that the power that he had felt had faded away. “What the hell is he? Where did he come from?” All these questions whizzed through his head.

The man had short hair and was wearing some kind of black robe.”Wh....Who are you?” Ryan stammered. “I’m kind of busy here kid, think it could wait?” said the man easily in fact it didn’t look like he was giving any effort into holding off that thing.

“Time to finish this!” said the man he slashed at the things black mask, he cut straight through it and the thing just crumbled to dust. “Tch he always was stupid” said the one with scimitars for arms “I know when I’m out-matched, but I’ll be back for you.” And swung one of his scimitar arms to point at Ryan.

The thing started walking back “what where is he going?” Ryan said to himself. As the thing took another step backwards a dark portal opened up behind it and it vanished without a trace.

“Wow!” Ryan said aloud.

“Tch weaklings,” said the man.

“Wh...What were they? In fact who the hell are you?” Ryan said getting frustrated.

“You really want to know? Well I’m going to have to tell you, you’re involved now.” Replied the man calmly.

“What you mean involved? I haven’t done anything” Ryan said his voice going hoarse.

“It’s not what you have done; it’s what you were born with.” The man said and turned around, his face was weather-beaten, rugged but kindly to his eyes were bright blue and had fair hair.”Surely you felt that spirit energy in you?”

“What that power? Why was I glowing that scarlet colour? Just answer my questions god damn it!” Ryan said his voice getting louder.

“Tch, alright keep your calm,” the man took a quick breath and said “I’m a Reaper, and those things were spirits, evil ones actually we call them reds and the good ones are whites. That power you felt was spirit energy in other words the strength of your soul you glowed red because you were releasing all your spirit energy at once, the colour entirely depends on the person wielding the spirit energy.” The man explained.

“So what now? That thing said it would come back how the hell am I going to fend it off!” Ryan shouted.

“Mmmm.......that does pose a problem doesn’t it,” the man smiled “I wonder...”

“Wonder what?” Ryan said losing patience.

“You have to join the academy, to become a Reaper like me. It is the only way.” The man said quietly.

“Wh...What do I do there?” Ryan said even more quiet.

“You will learn how to control your spirit energy, summon your soul sword” he said indicating his sword “and learn to fight reds and kill them.”

“Ill do whatever it takes to be able to defend myself!” Ryan said determinedly.

“I thought you’d say that I saw those nerves of steel when you were trying to fight off those reds.” Said the man “I’m Jack by the way. Here take this ill be in touch.” Jack gave Ryan a silver bracelet but when he handed it over it changed colour to a deep, brilliant scarlet “good that means your spirit energy is fully released you should have no problems getting into the academy, and by the way don’t be afraid of the test.” He said as he opened up a portal but this time white and walked through.

“Geez what a weird night.” Ryan said to himself. Ryan made his way not even knowing what his excuse for all the time he took, and he still hadn’t even got the milk, “Man mums going to kill me” Ryan sighed.

A-L · 02-07-2008, 06:38 PM

I like it! Very fast paced and its filled with action. However, just a little bit more description would make this story excellent.

Rynash · 02-07-2008, 07:34 PM

yeah i was thinknig just that actually ill re-write obviously and add description in tihs chap then but ill try keep in mind as i write lol

Akroma · 02-08-2008, 07:38 AM

lol I like it

Hah, Parents. He's been fighting off evil spirits and they're worried about milk ;-P typical. Cool! Yeah a bit more description is needed I think but the pace is good and this Jack dude sounds like a legend

and he's got the best weapon in the world obviously ;-P everyone wants a katana!!

HippoHead · 02-08-2008, 07:50 AM

why is ryan so angry?
not too shabadamdelic.

Rynash · 02-08-2008, 12:35 PM

shabadamdelic.lol he is ment to be frustrated and confused soory if dont make tht very clear:S and btw what does shabadamdelic mean?

HippoHead · 02-08-2008, 01:06 PM

that's my odd word for 'shabby'
i made it interesting!

Rynash · 02-08-2008, 01:12 PM

klkl and thx and also the angynees ryan feels is needed here ull understand later in story

MerryLlama · 02-08-2008, 03:37 PM

Nice one, fast paced and keeps you reading.
could maybe do with a bit more filling out but the story is there

just one bit, jarred me slightly

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rynash

the street lamps snapped on giving an eerie yellow glow.

Snap seemed a bit sudden, maybe they could flicker on?

great idea keep writing!