crowe1120

I started out today just a like anyone would start a day out, breakfast, shower, a quick shave and the other things people do in the morning time. Made a really strong pot of coffee, you know that kind that looks like you mixed hot water and coffee grounds together, and fried up some bacon and eggs. The eggs burnt as usual and it’s not like I have never cooked before or even cooked eggs less than a thousand times, but for some reason I have burned them nine hundred ninety-nine times. Yes, that one morning my eggs came out beautifully exquisite was a marvelous one. However, my perfect egg mornings only come along well once in every nine hundred ninety-nine tries. That is ok with me though because eggs are eggs. All in all my morning was going pretty well. The paper was somewhat depressing as usual. You know the story someone died here and there, and some idiot preformed a brilliant stunt like falling from a tree trying to save a kite. Oh yes, my favorite, the liberal media doing its best to downgrade some politician who disagrees with them. Things were going as expected.
Do you ever wake up in the mornings and think to yourself that something great is going to happen to you? Well, if you don’t, then you certainly should because I believe this is the only way to wake up. Especially on a sunny day; when the birds are chirping a song at your window, or a scent of freshly cut grass wonders into your nose from your neighbors yard. How it is someone could not feel greatness waking up to that?
Well for me this was one of those days, one of those glorious mornings where everything and anything would be possible. At the same time, much to my chagrin, this blessing was also a curse. This day of endless possibilities would fulfill that promise. How I to know my life was would change, at no conscious will of my own mind you? We all have situations thrown upon us that sometimes are completely out of our hands, and sometimes these situations can be taken in two fashions. In my case any way that I was to handle my particular predicament, I was surly going to end up with the short end of the stick.
My decision making career came to me in an unusual way just around the time I was finishing up my third cup of mud. The sun was shinning through my window in just the right spot, so that it would not be blinding. I had just the right amount of caffeine and nicotine running through my system, and to tell you the truth I was half ready to climb back into bed. Those half warm sheets and cozy pillow were calling out to me, but my life had different plans for me. Where as just about the time I was ready for bed again, just after waking, a violent knock at the door disrupted my vices. Not only did this irritate me to no end, which it did to the point I felt like answering the door just to knock the guys lights out, but it baffled me at anyone knocking on my door at seven in the morning.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! At first I just sat there thinking to myself maybe he will just leave if I act like I am not here.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Alright, hold on a second, my door isn’t made of steel!”
I stood up from my table, where I had been quite comfortable; to walk over and see what was so dire this person had to knock my door down. I dressed in some grey sweat pants that were almost to the point of being a wash rag, and my cut off t-shirt was in no condition to criticize. I had on a pair of moccasin style slippers that were probably way past over due for a trade in, but I was comfortable and who was really going to see me right. My little beach bungalow house didn’t have many visitors except for the occasional lady friend, but other than that I pretty much kept to myself. Well and now this person of interest had wanted to visit for some reason, and too early for my taste. I reached my door grabbing the knob firmly. Opening this damn thing is a struggle ever time, you have to giggle it lose from the hinges almost being rusted shut from the salty air. It comes with the territory I know but this rusting metal is getting to be a bit ridiculous around here. It seems like nothing keeps and the same goes for the local natives here. I am pretty sure all this salt air and water has rusted their brains shut.

WriterJohnB

I don't mean to pick on you, but almost every new writer starts out with the Main Character waking up (I did too). Why would we care whether this guy burns his eggs or not? Unless, later on, he's going to choke the villain by shoving the eggs down his throat, it shouldn't be in the story. As a matter of fact, you haven't started the story yet, at all.

An old writer's maxim. If you mention a gun on the wall in the first chapter, it MUST go off sometime later in the book. And if the character grabs a gun from the wall in the last chapter to save himself, it MUST be mentioned earlier in the book.

Another beginner's trait is to use first person and then try to act as though the person is talking to the reader and he gets all folksy. This actually distances the reader from the story.

Your story starts here, all before then is extraneous and can be brought into the story later (but only if it's relevant to the story.)

I was finishing up my third cup of coffee, seriously thinking of getting back into bed when a knock came at the door. (Don't do "KNOCK," novels don't have sound effects.)

At first I just sat there, hoping whoever-it-was would leave. No such luck the knock sounded again.

“Alright, hold on a second, my door isn’t made of steel!
”
I went to the door, dressed in some grey sweat pants that were almost to the point of being a wash rag, and my cut off t-shirt was in no better condition. I had on a pair of moccasin style slippers that were probably way past over due for a trade in. My little beach bungalow house didn’t have many visitors, so I hadn't dressed for company. I opened the door and the hinges squeaked like they always do. Everything gets rusted in the salt air, here, and that goes for the locals hereabouts, as well. I am pretty sure all this salt air and water has rusted their brains shut.

Hope that helps. It just takes practice, for most people. Keep on writing.

JohnB

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crowe1120

Thank you that does help a lot. Sorry I haven't been online in awhile to thank you.

Mirror

I started out today just a like anyone would start a day out (I'd delete the underlined part to avoid redundancy), (A dash would be more appropriate then a comma, for you proceed to enumerate.) breakfast, shower, a quick shave and the other things people do in the morning time. Made a really strong pot of coffee, (you know that kind that looks like you mixed hot water and coffee grounds together, and fried up some bacon and eggs. (In using 'you', you risk alienating the reader, for he or she may not agree with the ascribed attitudes.)The eggs burnt (burned) as usual <insert comma> and it’s not like I have never cooked before or even cooked eggs less than a thousand times, but for some reason <insert comma> I have burned them nine hundred ninety-nine times. Yes, that one morning <insert 'when' to avoid syntactic ambiguity> my eggs came out beautifully exquisite (I feel that exquisite is not the right word to describe eggs, especially since you modified it with a near-synonym) was a marvelous one. However, my perfect egg mornings only come along well once in every nine hundred ninety-nine tries. That is ok with me <insert comma> though <insert comma> because eggs are eggs. All in all my morning was going pretty well. (An unnecessary summarizing sentence. More like a coda of a discourse analysis. I'd delete it) The (news)paper was somewhat depressing as usual. You know the story someone died here and there, and some idiot preformed a brilliant stunt like falling from a tree trying to save a kite. Oh yes, my favorite, the liberal media doing its best to downgrade some politician who disagrees with them. Things were going as expected. (This portion contains sentence fragments. I would consider incorporating some of them into the text body. Dashes and semicolons prove useful in such instances.)
Do you ever wake up in the mornings and think to yourself that something great is going to happen to you? Well, if you don’t, then you certainly should because I believe this is the only way to wake up. Especially on a sunny day; when the birds are chirping a song at your window, or a scent of freshly cut grass wonders (wanders) into your nose from your neighbors (neighbor's) yard. How it is someone could not feel greatness waking up to that?
Well <comma> for me <comma> this was one of those days, one of those glorious mornings where everything and anything (This is redundant) would be possible. At the same time, much to my chagrin, this blessing was also a curse. This day of endless possibilities would fulfill that promise. How I to know my life was would change, at no conscious will of my own mind you? (Grammar. Rewrite sentence.) We all have situations thrown upon us that sometimes are completely out of our hands, and sometimes these situations can be taken in two fashions. In my case any way (redundant) that I was to handle my particular predicament, I was surly (surely?) going to end up with the short end of the stick.
(cliché)
My decision making career came to me in an unusual way just around the time I was finishing up my third cup of mud. The sun was shinning through my window in just the right spot, so that it would not be blinding. I had just the right amount of caffeine and nicotine running through my system, and to tell you the truth <comma> I was half ready to climb back into bed. Those half warm sheets and cozy pillow were calling out to me, but my life had different plans for me. Where as just about the time I was ready for bed again (This portion needs a rewrite. Why start by 'where' when you are indicating a time, not a place? Did you mean 'whereas'? If yes, how and why?), just after waking, a violent knock at the door disrupted my vices. Not only did this irritate me to no end, which it did (redundant) to the point I felt like answering the door just to knock the guys (guy's or guys') lights out (clichéd expression), but it baffled me at anyone knocking on my door at seven in the morning.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! (Could you express the pounding on the door through words? Show vs. tell. Even in poems, I find gimmick elements inappropriate.) At first I just sat there thinking to myself maybe he will just leave if I act like I am not here. (Discern thoughts of MC - Main Character - the description. Quotation marks or italics.)
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Alright, hold on a second, my door isn’t made of steel!”
I stood up from my table, where I had been quite comfortable; <comma not semicolon> to walk over and see what was so dire this person had to knock my door down. I dressed in some grey sweat pants that were almost to the point of being a wash rag, and my cut off t-shirt <insert 'that' or 'which' to retain the parallel structure and avoid ungrammaticality> was in no condition to criticize. I had on a pair of moccasin style slippers that were probably way past over due for a trade in, but I was comfortable and who was really going to see me right. (Run-on sentence. Rewrite.) My little beach bungalow house didn’t have many visitors except for the occasional lady friend, but other than that <comma> I pretty much kept to myself. Well and now this person of interest had wanted to visit for some reason, and too early for my taste. (Unnecessary repetition. The reader already knows.) I reached my door <comma> grabbing the knob firmly. Opening this damn thing is a struggle ever time, <semicolon, NOT comma> you have to giggle it lose (loose) from (due would create less ambiguities in syntax) the hinges almost being rusted shut from the salty air. It comes with the territory <comma> I know <comma> but this rusting metal is getting to be a bit ridiculous around here. It seems like nothing keeps <comma> and the same goes for the local natives here. I am pretty sure all this salt air and water has rusted their brains shut.


*

Overall thoughts:

For starter, you can improve this piece by replacing the linking verb 'to be' with action verbs so as to create more vigorous sentences.

I already commented on the use of 'you'. This snippet strikes me as overly self-conscious - almost a desperate attempt to connect with your audience.

As far as content, I feel that the narrative moves slow. Is there a reason for the meanderings on burning eggs? Does that serve as a foreshadow? Same goes for the derisive tone about the newspaper articles.

I keep wanting to encounter some images, similes, or metaphors.

Is there enough of a hook? I would consider the opening line. Do you feel a description of the character waking up would captivate the reader? Not me.

Haphazardness also poses a problem: how can you entwine descriptions of the sun glow, scent of freshly-cut grass, or muddy coffee with your ensuing irritation at someone demanding entrance?

Not entirely sure where you wish to go with this piece. The language verges on colloquial, as well. To what purpose?

Keep at it, though. I'd like to see what you will do this.

Best,
Mirror

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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

crowe1120

Thank you mirror, I am rewriting the life into that story. My only set back seems to be research of living in a beach bungalow. And I suppose that is what the mind is for, since I don't have that particular residence.

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