salmon the creative

ill say something now...

I LOVE it!

Im a useless critic so forgive me if i dont put anything lol.

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MY CURRENT PROJECTS:

Well, writing, what do you think?!

salmon the creative

Also, may i ask what genre you feel most comfortable writing with?

My personally preferred genre is sci-fi because i play a LOT of games on my xbox 360 and i also watch a lot of sci-fi movies so i pick up ideas from there, transform them into something from my imagination and then use them. Personally, i think you write sci-fi good whether it is your preferred genre or not

__________________
MY CURRENT PROJECTS:

Well, writing, what do you think?!

A-L

Thank you. Truthfully, I have never really read a lot of sci-fi novels in my time. Though I have written another version of this story with almost 200 pages I scrapped it because it sucked. Usually I write just plain fantasy, but I didn't want to make mine so much like so many other people trying to get into the market because some day I hope to finish this story and get it published. I also write fiction. But I read a butt load of fantasy. ( Erikson, George R.R Martin, Feist, Rowling, Goodkind, Hobb) Sorry if I haven't been commenting on you story so far, I've been reading up on it and I've found it rather good so far (usually read it at school) so I tend to forget to comment when I get time.

A-L

Continuation



Riel stood before the Judge afraid to make more than subtle movements to ease his growing discomfort. The Judge sat before him, with a commissioner on each side of him. The trio of men exuded power like a corpse would stench. Authority rolled off of the Judge in waves. It was also he who spoke first.

“Mr. Ortnum, at exactly 1:15 a.m. you said that you awoke to find everyone within your relative sector dead, is that correct?”

Riel swallowed and nodded.

“And you are also saying that you saw the perpetrator Mr. Ortnum?”

Again Riel nodded after swallowing.

“So tell me, what exactly did ‘it’ as you described it look like?”

He cleared his throat before answering. “Large, height-wise, mostly human features, except for its eyes and it’s tongue which was really long. I think that’s how it searched for it’s- The commissioner to his right interrupted him.

“You said that its features were predominately human yes? So then tell me, what was wrong with its eyes, and please be as specific as possible.”
Riel cleared his throat, and avoided the raptor gaze of the Judge.

Instead he focused his answer towards the commissioner who had asked the question.
“Well, its eyes were black.”

“Black, can you be more specific please?”

Riel nodded. “They were darker than black, like night in a closet, with a blanket over the door.”

The Judge fixed his raptor gaze on the commissioner to his left, and then asked. “Did the eyes of this ‘it’ reflect any light at all?”

He shuddered. “No.”

The three men conversed, each eyeing Riel on occasion as they spoke with one another. He stood ill at ease trying not to move more than necessary. Soon the trio came to a conclusion. The Judge spoke first.

“Thank you for your time Mr. Ortnum, one of our staff will direct you back to your waiting cell and we will let you know of our final decision on the matter promptly.”

Too afraid to say more he only nodded, and followed a member of the investigation staff out of the Black room. Soon after he was gone the trio of men conversed again, their heads coming together, and in whispered tones they spoke of dark things.


Honestly, is this at least a decent story so far? I mean could it be turned into a major novel? I would really appreciate some answers.

A-L

Haven't posted on this in a while though I think this part needs some major work done.


Bane stood on the balcony looking over the grounds, happy with its serene beauty. From his seat he could see all of the land that belonged to the academy, and the towering buildings of the city beyond. Bane wasn’t sure when, but at sometime during his stay he had become complacent with his current status. He had found a place to live, even made a few friends, and most of all he was comfortable. The towering building provided for all his needs, and the now almost empty grounds reminded him of his old home.

His eyes wandered over the city and its abundant inhabitants. Deep inside of him he knew that his time of sincere happiness was going to come to a close, as so many of them had before. Something pricked his senses and he looked far to his right. A figure moved down the brick laid path at a quick pace, and Bane knew that his was the first sign of trouble.


Elina walked at a brisk pace. Now that she was so near his location she intended on getting to him and back as soon as possible. As she drew nearer to the main building of the academy she began to wonder what he would be like as a person. Her social life had become all but non-existent since her apprenticeship with her master. Speaking with strangers had almost become a foreign art to her. She wondered if this man would provide at least tolerable company on the way back, and that was only if he co-operated. Elina hoped that he would because dragging a man back across part of the Metropolis and across the Murk would certainly not be easy, even for one of her talents.


Bane didn’t wait for the visitor to find him; instead he rushed out his room and flew down the hall and the stairs. Through the main hall he walked briskly past a trio of curious professors before bursting through the main doors. The brick path wound through the trees making it difficult for Bane to see the person. He followed the path and as he rounded a bend, before him stood a woman.

Elina froze. In front of her stood the man she had been coming to collect. He was tall, and by all accounts handsome. Though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it something about the man bothered her. It wasn’t as if he was physically threatening, in spite of his size and apparent muscularity, but it was if he were something more, as if his presence were greater, and on top of that he exuded a sort of ill taint. The obsidian orbs that were his eyes, she realized, weren’t human at all, this man had become something more. But what she wondered?

Bane regarded her coolly. He had never seen a woman so enticing, and he had had a lot of women in his past life. Her hair grew long and thick, tumbling to her shoulders like a black sheaf of cotton. Her eyes were almost violet in color and from their center an almost emerald green radiated. Her other features were….womanly, but in the most appealing ways. Her skin black as midnight was clear and smooth. But what really drew his attention was the power that emanated from her in waves. Whoever she was, Bane confirmed, she wasn’t human.

“I am Elina, and I have come here in order to bring you back to the one I call master.” Her speech was smooth and eloquent, though by her manner it seemed as if she didn’t know it.

“I am Bane,” Bane said, “and might I ask who your master is exactly?”
The woman balked, but regained her composure.

“I am afraid that I cannot answer that here, but I can assure you that it would be in your best interest if you were to accompany me. He can give you answers to the questions that have been haunting you, questions involving your past, about the men who tried to kill you not too long ago.”

Bane was stunned, he didn’t know who this woman or her master was, but he was curious. “A lot of men have tried to kill me, how can I trust this man? I don’t even know who he is.”

“You are all alone Bane, they will come again, now that you are here, it would be in your best interest to come with me, while he still offers the chance.”

“And if I were to refuse?”

Elina stepped towards him, her movement to slow to be threatening yet it had a message. She stopped before him, her violet eyes looking up into his black ones. “I’ll be forced to take you against your will.” The power that radiated from her was startling.

“I guess I’ll go and get my bags then.”

TevenB

Thats very good I think A-L. The story is is still interesting, never faltered for a chapter. Keep it up

Jade M

A couple of minor nits:[




Here, I don't think tickled is the right word. If the figure is 'the first sign of trouble', tickled is a bit.. hmm, positive. Only my opinion, but maybe something like 'pricked' or 'alerted'

Apart from that, the latest installment was good, and I like your writing style.

A-L

Thanks Jade you always help me along with my story. Thanks Teven for always reading it.

A-L

The trip back to her master would be a rather boring one, if neither one of them spoke. This was the first thought that ran through Bane’s mind as they sat next to each other on the silver and glass transport. He was sure that she felt the same; however neither of them was willing to break the awkward silence.

The train ride was pleasant though, in spite of their obvious discomfort around the other. Buildings sped by in a swirl of brick, clay, steel, glass, cement, and other varying materials. The magnificence of the city provided Bane with enough of a distraction so that he didn’t have to stare at the enigmatic woman next to him.

He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something about the woman drew him, and he was sure that it was more than just her physical features, exquisite though they might be. For the duration of the train ride he wondered how she saw him, was he attractive? Did he frighten her? Did she frighten him? Why was he so nervous? Did her heart race as his did when they locked eyes?

His mind ran through a thousand questions each seeking its own answer. Desperately he tried to keep his querying mind distracted by the architecture that blurred by, yet his mind continued to return to the subject which he was wont to contemplate, Elina.

He was hoping that they would come to their destination soon, else the awkwardness between them develop into something worse. He glanced over at her again to see her look back at him. He smiled, and so did she. They both laughed at themselves. Their laughter helped to break the discomfort between them. Feeling suddenly more relaxed Bane asked.

“So, would you care to explain to me who your master is?”
The woman looked at him, a hint of distrust evident in her eyes, but she saw no reason as to why she couldn’t answer his question, as they were the only ones in the car of the transport. “His name is the Revealer. He has the ability to see the truth in all things.”

“Y-your master is the Revealer?” his voice dropped a notch, “as in the brother of the Watcher?”

Elina nodded, her curly hair bouncing up and down as she did so. “But wait”, she replied, “how do you now of either of them?”

Bane’s face went expressionless, and his frightening eyes bore into hers. “The Watcher and I have had dealings before.” His voice was quiet.

Elina eyed him warily. “What do you mean ‘dealings’?”

“The bastard tricked me! I sold my soul to him, I gave him my life!” He snarled.

Elina was surprised by his sudden fury. “What are talking about, what did you do for him?”

“I-I”, he looked down at his hands, “I did a lot of things for him, me and my brother, terrible things, I won’t speak of them, but they were horrible things.”

Elina looked at Bane pityingly. “Please Bane tell me. What did you do?”
His cold eyes reflected his inner turmoil. Elina at that moment truly felt for him.

“I-we, my brother and I, we were his enforcers if you will. You see, from where I am from the Watcher presides over everything, nothing goes unnoticed by him. So, anything legal or illegal, benign or malignant had to be approved by him first.”

“And what if it wasn’t?”
Bane looked down at his hands again. “He sent me and my brother.”

Elina pushed further. “He sent you and your brother to do what?”

“Make an example of them. Make sure that everyone was afraid to do anything without his consent.”

It was clear to Elina that he would go no further about what he had done. “But you said he tricked you, how?”

“He offered me and my brother protection for our deeds, he said that neither of us would see harm.”

“What-what happened?”

Bane paused, suddenly surprised with his need to share. “My brother, he died, he was murdered actually, brutally by some piece of shit thugs. Amateurs really, but they had caught him by surprise. He had been shot, twice, but the wound in his abdomen was serious and he was bedridden while he recovered.” Pausing, he took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. “A while after he had been shot, he still wasn’t fully recovered, someone fire bombed the house or something. There was just this whoosh of flame and suddenly the house was on fire.” His hands shook in rage as he spoke.

“I ran to him as soon as I realized that the house was on fire. I didn’t know where the fire was exactly, but there were flames in the hallway. His door was on fire even before I had reached it” again another pause and then another deep breath. “I burst through the door, but it was too late. On the bed, my brother, my brother was too weak to save himself. He was burning, burning!
There was nothing I could do, and his screams, they were horrendous, the most terrible sound I’ve ever heard. And I ran, I ran out of the house, I couldn’t take it anymore, it was all too much. I tried to find help, but no one would come, and I watched as my home, and my brother was consumed by the fire.”

The silence that ensued was palpable. Her voice soft, Elina broke it. “What did you do afterwards?”

His gaze slid from his hands and slowly rose to meet her eyes. “I killed them all.”

Jade M

You don't need to tell us. His stuttering dialogue reveals his shock.


All in all, very nice. Interesting developments, and I think this meeting between Bane and The Revealer will be interesting. Elina seems an interesting character too. (Bane certainly seems to think so )

I find fewer and fewer nits each time, good work A-L. I look forward to the next part.

A-L

Thanks Jade for always reading and helping me with it.

Jade M

You're welcome. But reading your story is hardly a chore

A-L

Thanks Jade. Here is the next bit.

Riel sat in his cot, alone in the dark. His wife Nia was in another cell somewhere, probably thinking the same thing. Why am I being treated like a criminal? There was something going on, and somehow they were involved in it. Whatever it was, it was something big, something very big and Riel was now considered a liability.

Licking his dry lips he wondered if they would kill him. Desperately he hoped that his wife wouldn’t be harmed, but that was unlikely. She had given the same explanation he had. Looking up at the dark ceiling he shuddered.
Ever since that night he had been having terrible nightmares. Often he awoke in a cold sweat to find a guard leaning over him, checking to see if he was fine.

His screams worried more than a few people. His dreams were horrid; they were always filled with death and corpses. He remembered his mother once telling him that whenever someone encountered a demon they were haunted with such nightmares for the rest of their lives. Riel wasn’t so sure how long he could hold up . His nerves were shot, and his hands shook terribly. It was so bad at times that he couldn’t even hold a spoon when trying to shove the gruel they called food down his throat.

His heart nearly stopped at every sound, at every shadow. He had even developed a slight speech impediment. He tended to stammer whenever someone asked him a question. The dimness in the holding cell had also played a role in diminishing his eyesight, whenever they let the door open to give him food the sheer brightness of the hallway beyond was blinding. Riel had long ago lost hope. Dying in a holding cell didn’t seem anywhere near as bad as dying like so many from his home sector.

Tears ran from his eyes whenever he thought of them. They had been as much his family as his wife.
Staring into the darkness that enveloped the ceiling he wondered where they were now. He hoped that whatever had taken them had taken only their lives. Demons were known to devour souls. Gripping his pillow Riel cried, letting his many tears rack his body.

A-L

Here is a little of the next chapter as well.




Blue light illuminated Victor’s face as he walked around the round table. One hand nested in his trouser pocket, and the other dragged along the polished table top as he progressed. His dark eyes never strayed from the source of the blue light which was a perfectly round device. It sat at the center of the table, fitfully situated onto a small pedestal.

Images danced along its surface, moving along with Victor as he walked. Occasionally he would nod his head in compliance, as if he were agreeing with some unseen accomplice. Smoke trailed him, in his mouth a cigar issued smoke, thick and dark, a writhing weightless substance amongst the still darkness.

Suddenly the glowing device glowed red, bright and angry. Victor stopped walking abruptly. He flicked the cigar from his mouth and tossed it into the darkness, burning it into ashes in midflight. Placing both hands onto the round table he glared into the stone and grimaced.

“So, you are alive? I figured someone had to have wasted away with Kaman but YOU of all people? Seems the dead walk don’t they Bane? Hmm, well I guess it’s time to tie up loose ends.” He stopped talking and inclined his head to his right, listening to shadows speak in tongues only he could hear.

He nodded and turned back towards the fiery orb, a wicked smile playing across his features. “I think I’ll see what my new weapon can do, though I’m not sure how much of a fight Bane will put up.” From his trouser pocket he withdrew another cigar. Its end already clipped he placed it into his mouth. The tip soon grew hot and burned, and dark smoke rose to the ceiling amidst the laughter of the insidious shadows.

Jade M

If they don't want it answered then why are they asking it? Not neccessarily a critique -there might be some significance that I'm just too tired to grasp.

I don't think I need to tell you again how much your writing has improved.