Metropolis (science fiction, fantasy) - Page 3 - Writers Forum

A-L · 02-20-2008, 04:28 PM

Thanks for the comments! I do not to do some patchwork though. Again thanks for the critique!

A-L · 02-25-2008, 08:41 AM

I'm getting ready to post some more so please critique it!

A-L · 02-25-2008, 01:11 PM

Bane awoke from a terrible nightmare. It had been but one of many that had plagued his dreaming mind. This one however, had left an emotional scar that refused to heal. His mind consistently replayed the events of his brother’s death. For as he lay there, in his minds eye flames surged around him as he fought through the fire towards his brother’s room where he lay dying. The hallway seemed to stretch for forever there was no end to it.

But just as he thought it impossible he would reach the door, and touch its molten handle. Without hesitation he would kick the door in and the most horrible image greeted him. In his dream he always attempted to scream but the smoke and his dry throat wouldn’t allow him. For within the room lay his wounded brother, recovering from a gunshot wound to his torso, wreathed in flame.

His screams were of the upmost pain, as the flames devoured his wreathing body. Bane’s eyes moistened as he tried to reach his brother, but the heat was too great, Bane was forced to run. The screams of his brother haunted him even as he ran down the lengthy hallway, and even still as he burst forth from their home into the eerie jungle that was the Metropolis.

Even as he lay in bed the screams of his brother still reached him from so many years past. Bane was not sure that he would ever fully recover from what had been done to his brother, who had been the only family he had ever really known. His brother had been his father, his mother, and his best friend. To Bane such a loss was implausible, his mind still couldn’t fully register what had actually happened. The death of his brother still affected him after nearly five decades.

So many things from his past had such affects on him. When he closed his eyes he could still see the faces of all the people whose lives he had taken. The images never left him, it was if he had been cursed to live an eternity with the crimes of his past. By some cruel fate he was forced to live every moment, whether it was nocturnal or diurnal activity, enveloped in painful reminisces. Nightmares crowded the corridors of his mind even whilst he was awake.

Light from the window flooded into the room. Bane lay still as the rising radiance tumbled across his body. Outside his window the Metropolis buzzed with activity, just as it had the night before. Nothing changed in the Metropolis. Just as the Metropolis didn’t change, Bane knew that his current situation hadn’t either. The men that had been sent to take him in had belonged to some tribe, group, sect, or family, and Bane was worried as to whom.

He had been in the city for a solid six months yet he still had come across no clues about the men who had been hunting him or why. Inside of him an almost ancient fear stirred. But he shook it away. Whoever was after him appeared to have given up, nothing had occurred that had convinced him that his run in with old acquaintances had been nothing more than an act of revenge. But he knew that this was not true. Something had provoked these men to find him, and it had also helped to locate him. A mix of anger and apprehension rose within Bane but he suppressed both.

He thought back to his lessons with the teacher and how far he had progressed. He did not feel as if his power had grown, yet he felt as if he had a better grip on it, providing far more avenues than he would have thought possible. His power truly had become as death itself, it was barely perceptible, when it came it gently tickled ones sixth sense, like a lover kissing another seductively but fleetingly. He was proud of his accomplishments insofar. It was moments like these where Bane felt that he was truly invincible. Death couldn’t touch him, and he had truly become its incarnate.

Standing from his bed he bathed and dressed quickly. There were no lessons today, and Bane decided he would wander the city in hopes of gathering more information. In fact the academy was practically emptied out; the Season of Fire had begun and everyone had left to visit family. Bane of course had none, and the academy offered a free home, he would leave, but not for long, he still had very little money and lodgings elsewhere, particularly around the Season, would be far too expensive. Dressing accordingly in light clothing, Bane left the academy and its grounds behind, and wandered into the city with no real destination in mind.

From far across the Murk a dark man watched Bane. His eyes glowed with intrigue as they followed him.

“Here is one man that my brother has apparently missed,” said he to the swathing darkness. “Oh and he has a dark past, yes he does, a very dark past. I think I will have to contact him before my sibling does, yes it will have to be done quickly the Watcher doesn’t miss much.” The Revealer clapped his hands, and from the darkness a woman made herself emanate light. “Go to him Elina and bring him to me, and do so in a timely fashion.” The lustrous woman nodded and faded away with a soft whoosh. The Revealer continued to watch Bane his eyes aglow with curiosity.

Elina appeared not far from the station that would take her across the Murk. The station was huge beneath the now overcast sky; it towered over many of the other buildings that sprouted along the docks. It was actually one of the tallest buildings in the Metropolis, and perhaps one of the oldest. It, one of the only things that humans in the city had created entirely on their own, at least without the assistance of the other races, to many human Metropolitans its marble facet and majestic spires, were symbols of human ingenuity and hard work.

It was perhaps the last monument entirely engineered by the diminutive human race. Two tracks, meant for the silver and glass transportation vehicles, ran up and down the mountainous station. One track ran beneath the other, in order to maximize efficiency with the given amount of space.

At the top of the building airships launched and landed, carrying passengers and cargo across the Murk and back. There were many different options of transport. Had she been a tourist or wanted to sight see Elina would have taken the silver and glass transport on wheels. The tracks ran throughout the entire Metropolis and even over and under the Murk.

There were also boats that sailed the Murk, though any that were not of considerable size were prone to be drug under the waters by any number of kraken or leviathan or other various types of aquatic dwellers. Even the odds were against the captain and crew, villages dotted the surface of the Murk and not all of them were friendly.

The Murk and its vastness still had yet to be fully detailed by the Metropolis federal government. Crimes of all sorts were committed above and below its depth on a daily basis. Rumors of small communities littering the bottom of the Murk were a constant part of the hubbub around the port sectors of the Metropolis.

Airships were perhaps the safest and quickest route to her destination. And Elina chose the latter of the three. The vessel loaded promptly, and soon after Elina found her seat next to a rather precarious man who looked to be middle aged, the airship was off. Flying over the Murk always made her ill at ease, just thinking of the dark waters beneath her terrified her.

Looking out of the window in here cabin, she could see the nearly black waters. It was as if the night sky had been liquefied and formed into a lake, the creatures that dwelled within its depths aliens of the outer spaces. She wondered if the rumors were true, of the societies that lived beneath the waves. It wasn’t impossible, but unlikely. The marine life would make things quite difficult to any one not prepared, and even then…

An hour thrice passed, and the flight went entirely without problems or alarms to give warrant her fears. But just as she grew comfortable an alarm sounded, over an announcement system a ship was called to be in an ‘emergency’ state. She looked out the window and her fears were only reaffirmed as a ship was being drug down by a monstrous creature.

Its body was sleek and dark, hardly discernible from the churning waves around it. It had wrapped itself around the ship as the ship’s crew desperately tried to fight of the massive wreathing body from dragging them down. She could see the occasional flash from a rifle being fired at the monster, yet this appeared to be doing no good. Some of the crew began to throw themselves from the ship in a desperate attempt to escape the monsters grasp. The unfortunate sailors disappeared quickly beneath the waves.

An ugly head rose languidly from the waves of midnight. Its eyes, if any, weren’t visible from above but its upper skull was covered in tufts of a brownish type hair, and horns protruded from various spots along its head. The gunmen aboard fired to no avail at the horrid head of the monster, who merely shook its massive head in annoyance, then a violent flash suddenly erupted from a part of the boat that hadn’t been submerged. The water dwelling goliath reared back in pain. Elina couldn’t believe it. Someone had just called down thunder.

“An elementalist,” she whispered to the window. The ocean bound beast roared in anger and from its open maw a greenish-yellow fluid sprayed the deck of the ship. The elementalist and the few other remaining members of the crew narrowly avoided the foul blast of regurgitated fluids. The ship however, was not so fortunate. Its deck was eaten through by the acidic liquids.

Roaring in frustration the horrid beast of the sea swept toward the ship with its monstrous head. Again another savage flash of blinding light and from the clouds a bolt of lightning ripped through the air striking its target with such violence that it sent rippling waves of concussion through the obscure waters of the Murk. Its echoes rocked the airship; causing Elina to grab hold of her seat in short lived panic.

As the airship passed the ship and its crew Elina saw the awesome destruction that the bolt from the heavens had wrought. The immense creature’s head had been blown to charred pieces, and part of its massive body had been split open. Unfortunately for the crew, the dead beast’s body was still enfolded around the hull of the ship, dragging it still into the black waters, the members of the ship scrambled to the highest point above the water in a vain attempt to avoid the inevitable: a watery tomb.

Elina watched the drenched figure that could only be the elementalist in awe and pity as the small ship slowly dipped beneath the water entwined with the now dead monster like two lovers. She hoped that the elementalist would survive.

Irane struggled against the current. It was almost ironic that he an elementalist would die amongst the very things that he was born to command, the elements. His crew mates swam alongside him glumly. Irane summoned a small wave to carry them towards the distant shore. His crew mates relaxed, thanking Irane in unison.

Hey Irane,” shouted one of his crew mates over the sound of rushing water. “How long can you keep this up?”

“Long enough,” Iran answered. In truth he wasn’t sure how long he could keep up the wave, the two bolts he had summoned from the sky had been powerful indeed, and they had sapped quite a bit from him. They were hours out to sea with no land in sight, the future looked bleak.

Irane hoped that they wouldn’t be attacked again by anything bigger than a crab because he had not the energy to defend them from such a beast as before. The odds of them not being attacked by at least a blood shark though, were slim to none. He hoped desperately that another ship would make its way in their direction soon, because he was sure that the airship that passed overhead had sounded the alarm.

Paranoia began to devour Irane’s mind as he continued across the vast lake. The black waters gave a lot for one to imagine about, particularly those that had been shipwrecked. He looked at either side of him and saw that his crew mates felt the same fear was clearly imprinted upon their faces. In the distance a small formation was just visible.

He hoped that it was nothing but a small rock, and if so, perhaps a sanctuary from the deadly waters. His crew mates sighted the small landing and urged him forward. Irane, using the last of his strength summoned a great wave to push them faster, and with a grunt of effort, slowed its progress as they neared the rock.

It was bigger than any of them had hoped, and the climb from the sea to its top was a short one and the six members of a crew of thirty scampered out of the water with a haste that gave evidence of their frightened minds. Irane had scratched his hands several times when climbing the rock surface, but as he lay atop it he was just glad that he had made it.

The remnants of the crew all lay alongside one another, each huddling near the other in spite of the day’s warmth. Robu the ship’s first mate spoke first.

“Irane, after today’s events I’m promoting you to captain.” They all laughed, and Irane the hardest.

“I don’t think I’ll be coming back to the waters for a while,” answered Irane, “I think that a little rest would do me just fine.” They all agreed to that. Then with on impulse he asked, “do we still get paid for today?” Robu pulled out a wet pack of chewing tack and handed some to each person before replying.
“Shiiiiiit,” they all laughed.

Sigur Rós · 02-28-2008, 08:50 AM

Green=specific parts that I really liked
Red=suggestions and sorrections

Quote:

Originally Posted by A-L

Prologue

Bane looked down at a tub full of blood. The dark liquid was still, giving it and ominous appeal. The room around him was shrouded in darkness except for a few candles that gave off scant light around the tub. Bane shivered, in spite of the rooms warmth, sending goose pimples (<goosebumps) runnning up (down) his dark skin.
Looking away from the tub he notcied (<noticed) a woman standing in the corner of the room. She was barely visible, as she stood in the shadows in the corner of the room. (<repetition and revise sentence) Though he could not see her clearly, he could hear her voice carry across the room. The woman uttered her words as if in prayer, (and) her hands clasped together.
Her mouth seemed to move far too fast, as if her words could not catch up. Her voice rose higher in pitch until it sounded like she was shrieking an incantation. The ragged patches of hair on her head stood on end as she chanted, as if an electric charge coursed its way through her bony body. Suddenly it (<switch words) appeared as if she had lost control. Her body began to convulse violently, her head was thrown back and she flailed her arms above her head.
Her cherst heaved and her back arched, spittle ran from her mouth and dark blood oozed from her nose, yet still she chanted.Her words were incoherent rasps of pain. As she chanted the shadows began to condense around her, growing closer to her body, as if to take a form other than her own.

Then, suddenly, the shadows pulled themselves from the walls completely independent (<completely independent from the walls), and (<take out) moving of their own accord.They walked clustered together, tearing their shadowy limbs from the surrounding darkness. Their motions were stiff and slow, as if they were wading through frozen water, yet as they pulled themselves away from their shadowy confinement, they moved swifter, but no less stiff, edging closer and closer to Bane and the tub.
Soon the figures of shade surrounded him and the huge tube, circling (ed) like a venue waiting and watching but not nearing any further. The candle light flickered and the shadows began to dance around Bane. Shapes became visible as the figures of shade continued to reel about him. (<Not repetition, but too close.)
He heard laughter and then it (<that) was followed by cries of pain and sorrow. The cries grew louder and louder as the woman in the corner continued to writhe and chant. The shadows now physical beings grasped Bane, running their dark fingers down the silvery-white tattoos that covered his body. He cried out in pain. It (had) felt as if hooks were being sunk into his flesh and grated bone.
Yet his torment did not cease. Some of the shadowy figures began (<un) to whisper in his ears, and horrifyingly vivid images filled his mind. He closed his eyes to shut them out, but he continued to see them.
Bodies lay atop one another, desecrated and debased. Shriveled and grey, their bodies seemed to have been deprived of blood. All of their decrepit (Take out or new adjective) heads were turned to face him, and with bone chilling certainty Bane recognized them, he knew them, even in their semi-decayed state he could never forget their faces.
Through rotted teeth and ruined flesh they smiled at him, their dead eyes pale and lidless. he could even smell then as if here there(?); the rot of decrepit flesh, the stench of feces and urine. They continued to smile up at him even as flies and rats feasted upon their bodies ripping and tearing apart their flesh.
Entrails flooded from the bodies as maggots and rats ate their way out, devouring the intestines of the dead. Worms and maggots crawled forth from their bodily orifices. Yet still the ruined corpses smiled up at Bane, even as their dead flesh was being devoured.
Atop this pile of corpses stood a vulture, but it did not feast as its kind were prone to, instead its eyes peirced Bane's own, searing his soul with a terrifying glare.

However, the gaze of the vulture was minute in comparison to what it held within its mouth. From its savagely curved beak a beating heart, a living heart could be seen, and with absolute dread Bane knew that it was his, that it belonged to him.
The whispers in his ears suddenly erupted into shrieks of of anger, violence and death. Bane cried out, he couldn't take it anymore. It was all too much, and so he jumped, and the ominously still and dark blood came up to greet him.

It wasn't bad at all, but it could use some more work. Sometime the vocab is stressed and of course, I had my over all corrections and suggestions, but I thought the plot was interesting, despite how twisted and morbid it seemed. I'll try and read more later when I have the time.

A-L · 02-28-2008, 09:27 AM

Thanks, yeah I'll edit that immediatley now that I've got the time.

Wilem · 02-28-2008, 04:35 PM

Right I've read the Prologue and first chapter, unfortunately I don't have the time to read the other two right now so I'll give you my thoughts on the first load, read the second and third and comment further when I've more time.

I really liked the gory side of things, the piles of bodies with the vulture at the top. Although how he knew it was his heart the vulture held was confusing, then he opened his eyes and I assumed it was a dream. I could be wrong since I'm yet to read the second and third chapter.
So far I like it a lot, I like your description and the pace of things, and I look forward to reading more.

A-L · 02-28-2008, 06:54 PM

Thanks!

TevenB · 02-29-2008, 04:53 AM

I always like reading the way you write. Its really cool, and believe it or not, your story has helped mine. Its very good, keep it up.

AtlanteanTapir · 02-29-2008, 04:53 PM

the writing style is very good, i like how it is descriptive, but at the beginning in the prologue, i felt that it was really slowed down, (the pace),

and i think it was mentioned above, but:

Prologue:

"running down [instead of up] his dark..."

"into her mouth and past her chin.."
that sorta sounds a bit wrong for me, since her mouth is above her chin... and i see the image in my head, but somehow, it doesnt sound right in words.

“Bane it’s me baby, Kaman. Don’t you remember me[,] the one you left alive?”
(left out a comma)

i didnt go into detail for the other chapters, as many have been critiqued, thanks for the comment on my story!

A-L · 02-29-2008, 10:56 PM

Thanks for the comment.

Gate · 03-05-2008, 07:20 PM

GREAT!!

A-L · 03-05-2008, 08:17 PM

Thanks!

HeatherLee · 03-06-2008, 03:23 AM

Wow, okay well obviously I'm a little late to this story. I only had time to read the prologue. It seems that you are extremely good at description and setting scenes as well as mood. Even though I have obviously never experienced anything like this before, I could tell what was going on and what it looked like. It's usually hard for someone to get a mental picture of something that is completely foreign to them, but from your writing, I did. I enjoyed the prologue (as much as a person can enjoy rotting flesh, blood, and entrails) and I will definitely continue to read further into your story when I get the time.

If you ever get the chance, maybe you could read my other story up here, http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...nder-rose.html it's in desperate need of a bump but I wouldn't want to do that on my own. It would be much appreciated.

~Heather

A-L · 03-06-2008, 05:40 AM

Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

A-L · 03-09-2008, 11:42 AM

I'm about to post more, so please read and comment, anything is appreciated. Thanks!

The airship arrived at the landing dock atop the newly built station just as the last remnants of light faded. Elina stretched and yawned as she forced herself to her feet.

The other passenger beside her grabbed his bag and left their compartment hastily. Elina soon followed. Fleetingly, she wondered why the man had been in such a rush. However intriguing his ventures may have been to contemplate upon, Elina shrugged them aside and focused on where she would find this man.

She knew already that he had taken up residence in on the Grounds of the Artists, but other than that she had very little information on the man.

As she proceeded down the steps of the air docks she wondered why he was so important to her master’s cause. His urgency had been frightening. Rarely did he ever show so much interest in someone. This mysterious character made her wonder, and his past was apparently questionable or ‘dark’ as her master had referred to it.

This alone made her uneasy. Something was going to erupt within the Metropolis, and Elina was unsure of what. Between her master and his brother a storm was brewing, a storm that in spite of her loyalty, she had no intention of being caught in the rain. Though she was confident in her own abilities some of the things that she had witnessed shook her, there were people and things within the Metropolis best to be left alone.

Finally she reached the bottom floor of the massive station almost twin to the other across the Murk. This one however, was larger. Gaseous orbs floated about the docks, fighting away the darkness in various colors. Elina sighed. She still had yet to reach her destination, and the Metropolis was vast beyond belief.

She thought of taking another airship, but flying in the air for another dozen or more hours made her feel ill. Elina headed towards the nearest silver and glass transport station. Though it would take her considerably longer, she could at least stop and sleep in bed. Fortunately for her it wasn’t far.

She headed up a side street accompanied by nothing but her own shadow amidst the glowing orbs. The buildings rose around her, devouring her. She looked up at them as he walked, taking notice of their design and structure. Bridges linked apartment complexes, some on multiple floors. Shops and restaurants hung above her, suspended between buildings.

The preservation of space within the Metropolis was truly amazing. Remarkable figures of art pronounced themselves from the walls, either atop buildings or from the walls themselves. Art was perhaps the most important feature behind the Metropolis and its residents, everyone appreciated art, and the city was made beautiful by its many expressions.

The buildings themselves had been built with the most artistic and beautiful expressions of thought. Some of them had been built long ago, and were made of dark material that was now so scarce a mere ounce could be transferred into riches. These buildings, to Elina, emitted a perverse power that repelled her, yet drew her all the same. She wasn’t sure if she was the only one to feel this, or if it were only her imagination, but either way she strayed from the magnificent structures.

As she walked she wondered just how she was supposed to bring this man back with her, far across the Metropolis. She considered whether or not he would even be willing. It didn’t matter, her master had told her to retrieve him and that is what she would do.

But still, the thought of taking him by force didn’t appeal to her nature at all. She sighed to herself. It didn’t matter, she would have him one way or another. With that Elina set out towards the transport station her mind hardened with resolve.