Check this one out- I call it "Woods" - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Roman_Mitic · 01-26-2008, 02:29 PM

Tearing through the woods, a figure screams. A terrified shaky sound echoes throughout the forest. Footsteps quicken and panting grows louder. A deep rumbling sound quickens behind him. Sweats sting his face from the frosty air. His heart beats hard and his legs start to tire. Fatigued from the chase he stops aching with fear. Leaves rustle behind him his stomach climbs to his throat. Looking around he sees nothing-thick foliage surrounding him. No path nothing of a promising glance. Moreover, the rustling had stopped he had no clue were the beast was.
The creature stepped into the clear. It stood at least eight feet and on hind legs. He saw it clearly the moon played on the thick black fur, green glowing eyes pierced his own. Blood dripped from the six inch talons the creature stood almost patiently waiting. Standing only feet away, he could smell the foul odor from previous meals. It jaws horizontal resembling a spider snapping open and shut as if trying to decide its next move. Its round head tilted back and forth. It stood on two back legs black hairs covered its entire body it looked like a human, insect hybrid.
The man could think of nothing no refuge anything that he could do. Turning to the cover of the wood the man runs. He can hear the creature pursuing behind him, branches snapping in front of him and he abruptly stops. The brush splits and creature slowly steps towards him. Making a low menacing growl it grabs the stranger by the right arm. Raising him to its eye level the creature cuts through half way through his shoulder. Its talons rip slowly through his skin. His ligaments and arteries pop as the creature pulls the strangers arm of unhurriedly. It raises the man and drinks the blood flowing freely. The man howling in pain uselessly squirmed. Passing out from the pain the strangers body goes limp. The creature continues to remove the strangers other arm. Digging it is talons into the stranger’s chest jaggedly saw removing the tissue from around the heart. It removes the heart with a wet sopping sound and eating it. Throwing the body to the side and disappearing into the woods.

Istran · 01-26-2008, 03:59 PM

There are just so many things that are wrong with this story. I think I'll begin by pointing out that if this was meant to be scary, then this was an abysmal failure. A man running through some woulds while being chased by a mysterious, horrible creature who can somehow appear out of no where in front of said man is such a cliche. I was bored half to death by this. If you're going to try and write horror, at least find an original concept. Try reading some H. P. Lovecraft, then come back.

You really need to use commas and apostrophes. They are grammatically essential in any story. One little comma can make all the difference in the world. But that wasn't the problem. You didn't under use commas, you didn't use them at all. There might have been one somewhere, but it wasn't very well-used. Of course, I'm not saying that you should use a comma in every sentence, just use them when you are introducing new ideas to a sentence and such.

This little chunk of writing just angered me and I simply must include it in this rant.

Quote:

Looking around he sees nothing-thick foliage surrounding him. No path nothing of a promising glance. Moreover, the rustling had stopped he had no clue were the beast was.

I mean, what is this? It just doesn't make sense. "No path nothing of a promising glance"? That is complete and utter gibberish! Your use of the word 'moreover' is completely wrong and there is a complete lack of periods where there most definitely should be periods! I feel an utter lack of comprehension at how anyone could form such a terrible sentence, or sentences without not actually knowing English! Now, judging by the rest of this story, I'm guessing that you do have some basic grasp of the english language, so I can only say this: Try much harder.

Another thing, you should not use conversational terms (i.e. human-insect hybrid) when describing your terrifying monster or your horrifying aberration or whatever it is that the dark depths of you mind and soul have come up with. Its just not Proper.

Your last sentence,

Quote:

Throwing the body to the side and disappearing into the woods.

, is also significantly flawed. This should either be merged with the previous sentence, or there should be a pronoun. Pronouns, like commas, are very key to the success or at least the mediocrity of any story.

Now, I realize that I have been rather harsh in my judgment of this tale, however it is truly awful. When you next decide to spin a tale, pay attention to your grammar. I suggest taking classes on English, or visiting your local library and unearthing mighty tomes of language and grammar. You should also actually think of a good story, especially if you are trying to do horror. Come up with something original, something terrible, something that keeps you up at night if only to prove to yourself that your creations don't exist. Horror is really a difficult genre and I would suggest writing something a little easier, like fantasy or sci-fi. However, if your heart is truly set on the grotesque monstrosities and horrible beasts of your imagination, then I can only suffice to say good luck.

Oh, and a minor footnote, please don't use such large font. Its annoying and distracts you from the story.

panicnight26 · 01-26-2008, 10:58 PM

You explain to much. You don't have to describe every move that the monster makes. You're leaving nothing to the imagination. It gets the reader bored. Using big words in unusual orders isn't going to make whoever is reading the story think it is well written. Also, you explain everything like it is a play. Example: Making a low menacing growl it grabs the stranger by the right arm. What I would write: Feeling sharp pain on his right arm, the man realized he had been bitten. The menacing growl from behind made it feel worse and he felt his shoulder being teared.
You need to come up with better ways to express things instead of just telling them straight. What sounds better?:
"I lifted up the ball angrily and threw it at the wall. It made a loud sound."
or
"Picking up the ball with angry thoughts rushing through my mind, I chucked it hard at the wall and ignored the heavy pounding noise it made."

Lora · 01-29-2008, 05:53 PM

I saw your post "any other sites" and felt your pain. It's hard being new, so I thought I would check out your stuff. After reading the response you received for this story, it's no wonder you are feeling a might befuddled. Yes, this story needs a lot of work and you might want to chalk it up to being just a bit of free-writting unless you take it somewhere. If you like the basic idea of the story, first and foremost, fix the grammar. Next, you need to have a main story line running through it. Like, why is this guy in the middle of the forest running from this creature? Where did this creature come from, what is it, and why does it want to eat this guy. An important aspect of this story should be the story about the guy. I know nothing about him, and, therefore, have no reason to feel sorry for him. You do have a good start with describing the details, especially the gory ones. Build on that. Someone has to start somewhere. I give you two thumbs up for the effort. Keep writing, it will get better.